Why Do People Think They Know What Is Best For You

[deborah ogren]

Why do people think they know what is best for you? I know they mean well but sometimes it isn't the right thing to do.

I think people are trying to help, but sometimes it is hard to listen to their advice. Don't you hate when they say it is going to be alright and you will be alright. Only you know how you feel, and only you know how long this process is going to take. They don't have a book out their that says you have grieve enough. My parnter has only been gone 5 months. I still waiting for her to walk threw the door. I guess when the mind and heart get connected things seem to get easier. Or at least that is what others tell me.

Right now I'm not sure what I think or feel. I know that I'm not angry at my Deb, I'm angry at the diease that took her from me. I've wonder so many things since she has passed. I know for sure that I have no regrets of the decisions and the cimustances with her. Sure it was hard to try not beating your self up, but I did everything that she regusted. After all this wasn't about me it was about her. The only thing that I was unhappy about is she didn't want a meorial or anything like that. But because I loved her I wanted to do her final wishes the best that I could. I guess it will something that will always be on my mind.

Deborah

[NotCoping]

Hi Deborah, I'd really like an answer to the same question. How could anyone know what is best for us at such a horrific time when we don't even know what we want ourselves. Most of the time, what we really need is to be heard when we talk whatever we want to talk about. People would rather tell you what you need rather than listen to what you have to say esp. if they've never had such a significant loss, it seems. For me, my husband's family never even tried to hear me, so I tried to force what I thought on to them. Anything that made any sense fell on deaf ears....all of the hard truths that I had to say (like "where was the respect for me when you backed a truck up to my house two days after his death and took what you wanted as if I never existed and nothing was mine?" - couldn't it have waited? No...too busy) made them scatter in all directions.

My friends and family have meant well, but they would've been better off not saying a word. I used to hold everything in, but when my angel died, I stopped and it wasn't by choice. It just happened. Luckily, they understand that it's a sensitive time, and they also understand that they have no idea what I feel. While I've not taken my own advice, I think I would've been better off if I could have let things slide or ignored it, but raw emotion took over. A month or so (maybe weeks) after my husband died, a friend told me that I should be "over it by now". One week after he died, another friend said "He wouldn't want you laying around wallowing in self-pity - get back into life". At the same time, both of those friends have a 50/50 chance of the same thing happening to them. So if you find the answer to Why, I'd like to know as well. All I can guess is that they haven't been through and just have no clue. I know that when I've found myself in situations when I'm not knowledgeable about something, I tend to keep my mouth shut.

[marsha]

Ladies - I hear you. I've had a lot of anger and frustration, mostly internally, dealing with this. I haven't had people say to me, "this is what Joe would want," because my response would have been, how do YOU know what Joe would want? I was the one married to him, and I was the person who knew him best. How can you say what he would want? It's ludicrous, when you think about it. All I can offer is, please try not to take "advice" to heart. And this includes what the "grief experts" say. I loaded up on books about grief, especially in the beginning, and the ones that spoke to me, like this forum, are by those who have walked this path. Those are who I take advice from. I know the advice is given because our friends and families are concerned about us, but this is my take - they want us to be better, because they see themselves in us and don't want to accept that this could happen to them. Whatever - but it's not my problem right now. Hang in there, ladies, just for the minute, just for today - hugs and peace, marsha

[JeanneC]

Hi everyone:

I can't imagine ever getting over this. I might not cry every day or burst out in tears every time I talk to anyone, but when I am alone and just thinking or laying in bed, I do dwell on this whole horrible nightmare that happened to me.

I can only speak for myself, but I am sure none of you would disagree that this has been the worst thing that happened to you. All I know is that I expected Alex to be around for more than 54 years. He was the kind of man that was always visible, verbal, always out talking and helping people in the neighborhood. All of a sudden he is gone. I am left all alone in an unfinished (getting it done slowly) house. Not only do people realize that you have to deal with the everyday business at hand. Like making a living, taking care of your kids or if you have elderly parents, paying bills, fixing things in your house and taking care of yourself, while you a grieving.

A very close friend of mine is married with a 17 year old son. Her husband is on disability and gets quite a nice sum of money a month. Everytime we get on the subject of health care and Obama trying to get a bill in effect, she is outraged on how terrible this will be for all Americans, especially people on Medicare (which her husband is on). Now don't get me wrong. If this turns out to affect people on Medicare and their benefits being cut, it will hurt. But she makes comments like: "Aren't you concerned about this" and "How can you not read about this". She even knows the bills by their number. I just told her "Listen, I get up at 5:00 am and get home from work at 7:00pm and I don't have time to read all about this." "I am just trying to survive everyday without my husband." I know we all have to move on and not dwell on our own problems, but right now I truly have more important things to deal with. In time, I probably will have a better idea and be more involved with the issues of our country.

I made a comment to this same friend about another friend of mine who lost her husband 16 yrs ago. This person still has not put her house in the order the way she would like since her husband passed. This other friend of mine thought that 16 years is long enough to grieve. We just don't know how long is long. Maybe her not fixing her house for 16 yrs is a different part of the grieving process that she can't get past.

This is how our lives are right now and we did not ask to be in this situation.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[kayc]

Deborah,

I felt like you did too...I had a sister that kept telling me I needed to move, etc. etc. when our home was where I felt most connected to George and where I eventually laid his ashes to rest. She wouldn't shut up about it and I finally told her "I tell you what, when YOUR husband dies, I'll tell YOU what to do!" She got the point. Sometimes I think they just don't stop and think about how it sounds on our end...meaning well is good, but not enough, sometimes they need to understand what in the h_ll they're saying to us!

As far as the memorial service goes, I'm with you on that...yes, we should respect their wishes, but it also helps US to have one...maybe you could just have an informal get together with friends or family and each one share what you want to about her? It helps to hear what others have to say, whether it be something noble, funny, a memory, or what. It could be YOUR way of remembering her without it being an all out "service". Sometimes I think when the living say they don't want a service, it's because they don't want us stressing or being sad, but what they (who haven't been there themselves) don't realize is, it's also our way of coping. We feel for you.

Kay

[marsha]

Debbie - I'd like to add to the wise advice Kay gave about a memorial. Joe didn't want any service, either. He said, a long time ago, "just put my ashes in a bottle of Jack Daniels and put them in the ocean." Well, that's what I did. Friends joined me on the beach, stories were told, I said the Lord's Prayer, and put his ashes in the sea that he loved so much -- in the bottle of Jack. It was heartbreaking, but in the end it gave me a great sense of serenity to do it. This was almost 3 months after he died. I'm reading between the lines here, but I think this would be something that you might consider. Lord knows I'm not giving advice!! Just a thought - Hugs, Marsha

[valley]

Deborah and All,

People love to give advice. To fix you. Make you well. I take it with a grain of salt. It is like a parent offering advice when their children are adults.....still trying to sway them, fix them, change them. Grief is personal and different for all of us and we go through this or live in this in our own ways.

My husband never talked about dying, not really. The whole time he was fighting cancer we talked about him getting well. I can imagine if he did talk about it he would have not really wanted a memorial, but maybe a little party. I did a memorial for him. In my heart it was not really for him though it most certainly was a celebration of his life. I did it for his many, many friends who were also feeling such a loss and a need to come together. It gave them a chance to publically grieve and to celebrate Tom, and my kids and I just got through that day. My daughter put together a fabulous slide show of Tom's life and we played over a speaker the music he was listeing to on his Ipod. One of Tom's best friends is a practicing Buddhist and I asked him to do a short chanting ceremony. Tom's cousin's came from afar and talked about the fun times with Tom when they were little boys. One of our good friends sang an acapella song for Tom. And people stood up and offered memories. Followed by a potluck. In our community hall. And that was that.

I drove back home with two girl friends who had come from far away and were staying at my house. People loaded up the flowers and left over food and booze into the car and into the cars of my kids. And then the unplanned wake began. I walked into our house and about 7 very dear, dear old friends were here and my adult children and their friends who knew Tom and loved him. We ate and played music and drank and had the kind of party that Tom would have wanted. I kept looking for him in the house as he would be the life of the party and so happy to see his kids and their friends having such fun remembering all the great times. A spontaneous wake.

I guess I am taking a moment to remember this as I am only 7 days away from Tom's one year.....what.....what do I say? It is still so hard to say, "of his death". Anyhow the memorial was for the friends, the wake was for Tom.

Bless you all,

Valley

[lostluv]

Amen to you all!!!

I read this and don't feel so isolated. So many people try to help. I try to remember that at least they are still here. Some friends and family have told me that they can relate because of a divorce. I have never been divorced myself, but somehow if feel that it isn't really the same. Its "almost" funny some of the comparisons I have heard. I usually manage to keep my sarcasm to myself.

My husband was a chiropractor and I managed the office. Sometimes I dread going to the store, never knowing if I will run into that patient that doesn't know or that does and wants to talk. I find myself being very blunt. Just jump in and get it over with. I remember the first outing I had was just a few days after he passed. It was Costco, getting my stepson a book. I didn't know that the membership card had expired. I had to go take another pic. The lady told me that Chris could stop by whenever he wanted for his. I should have let it go. I told her that he had just passed, but if he stopped by have him call me, I'd love to see him. I was still in shock and my strange humor kind of kicks in. The picture of me is awsome. Someone telling you to smile when it is the last thing you want to do. I have never seen such a strange expression in all of my life.

Like "Valley", my husband and I always believed that we were going to beat the cancer. Chris would never talk much about any other option. He lived much longer than they expected. We expected more years. Whenever another Dr. would tell me how bleak it was, I would smile and tell them that they didn't know my husband and they didn't know me. I never thought that we would lose. To this day, I still can't accept it. I guess that is typical.

I too sometimes fear that I will forget the "details". I was so upset that I hadn't kept a journal during our marriage. There was always going to be time for that later. Now I have a file in my computer that I just write any random memories that come to me. His funny habits, how he liked his sandwiches everything I remember. I remember being freaked out because I hadn't journaled our life, but when I did something so simple as open the fridge, memories of him flooded thru me. Those simple things are some of the things that I write. Sometimes it's painful to remember but good too. I don't want to forget a detail. Thats what I did when he passed away. I studied every finger...every scar....every freckle...somehow trying to sear every detail into my memory. There are so many painful memories of losing him, but there were good things too. I know without a doubt that I would do ANYTHING for my husband. I KNOW how much I love my husband. And just as importantly, my husband had no doubts. I have never loved or been loved so purely. And THAT was stronger than the cancer. The cancer could never over come our love. That is what I will always hold onto. I was blessed.

You are all so kind and caring. Thank you all for sharing. (Even hearing others just vent helps)

[Fredzgirl]

My sister's SO passed away three years ago. Now I'm apologizing to her for not understanding how devastating her loss was. The point is unless you have been there, you don't know. I was married 25 years and divorced 5 years before meeting Fred. I found that the initial grief I felt when Fred died was similar to the grief I felt when Bob left. In both cases someone I loved was taken away and I had not control of it. At first I thought divorce was worse because I was rejected and when Fred died he died loving me. At this point I find that losing Fred is so much harder.

Back on the topic of this thread, why people think they know what is best for you. I wish someone did know what was best for me because I don't think I"m doing such a good job of figuring it out for myself.

[DeeGee]

"My husband never talked about dying, not really. The whole time he was fighting cancer we talked about him getting well."

This is also the way it was with us. Even when it got to the point where things were becoming really bad, he never initiated a conversation about dying, so neither did I, of course.

In terms of people telling you what to do, at the WAKE (luncheon after the services) yesterday, my dear, batty mother sat there and said to me "Well, you need to get rid of all his clothes immediately. Do it tomorrow! And then go right back to work! That will take your mind off things. Don't you remember how I gave your father's clothes to ______ (a nephew) as soon as they got into town?" And I just said "Yes, mother, I do remember that." (Yes, I remember coming into your home along with my daughter after having gone out to the store and seeing my nephew sitting there wearing the nice, brand new pair of Doc Martin shoes that my daughter had lovingly purchased and given to her grandfather as a Christmas

gift only two weeks prior!)

I was married to my first husband for over 25 years and the pain was great when the divorce came. And I remember being told that divorce is like a death. I think in the sense there is a grieving process involved regarding the "death of the relationship" in a divorce that is true. But still, it was certainly not the same as this.

I have decided that what I am going to do is just say "Thank you for your input" and let it go at that.

I am grateful to have found this site .... it really helps to read the posts.

Oh, and - two years ago a younger friend died suddenly of an acute illness. We had a gathering of family and friends at home, lit a large "memorial candle" with his picture beside it. I had written a eulogy and read it, then we went around and everyone present said something about their interactions with him. It was great - we laughed and we cried.

Dee

[valley]

Dee and All,

Your mother would really be shocked at me as now 5 days to go before my Tom's death one year ago, I still have not gotten rid of anything. I may be moving closer to that now. Feeling a bit more ready. Just some of the things....like he had a big pile of jeans stacked on a shelf in the closet that he wasn't wearing. Probably didn't fit him anymore. I think I can let them go now. But his shirts....I love to see them hanging on his side of the closet. I know this is morbid to some, but it feels good to me.

We are all different and have different needs and timing. What works for one, is not the answer for another. There are no rules. I know there are things of Tom's that I will never give away. They represent him....silly things. He was so proud of a Hawaiian shirt he bought for his 65th birthday in Honolulu and he wore it lovingly. Who would have ever known this bright, strong person would be dead 3 years later. He loved that shirt. Believe me, it is not going anywhere. And his boots by the door. I love them there.

I know I will change too. Life is change. But where I am at, almost one year down this horrible process of loss, is I keep my man around me, his symbols, because they get me through the day, they make this home....still....OURS. And I am still very much with him.

No one around me seems to mind.

Love to all,

Valley

[Boo Mayhew]

I'd just like to reiterate what Valley has said. The Hawaiian shirts of Cliff's will always remain in his wardrobe too. They are so him. They bring me comfort and are full of happy memories.

I am thinking about having some of his clothes made into a comfort quilt, but am not ready to cut them up yet.

His Levi's are still folded on the side, next to his side of the bed and I am not strong enough to move them into his wardrobe yet.

Please don't let anyone pressure you into doing anything that you are not comfortable, or ready, to do. Our worlds have been tipped upside down. If "things" bring us comfort, a sense of normalcy or stability into our lives, go with it.

You will know when you are ready to do stuff. It's hard to explain, but you just know. For example, I threw away his mustard after 7 months. That was a big step for me. But I was ready to do it and didn't even cry.

One day at a time ...

[David'sGirlStill]

Boo and Valley are 1000% on target. My husband passed in February and I just moved his boots from in front of the door, ( that I kept tripping over) Boo is so right you just know when it's time. But other than that my house looks like he still lives there. I haven't moved a thing. everyone handles this monster grief differently. Some people get rid of all material things and that's fine for them. Whatever works. But in my humble way of looking at it , those things are what I have let of him. Of course I have his love and daughter but....

Hugs

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

You will appreciate this Open to Hope video featuring Dr. Tom Attig (noted author, speaker, philosopher) discussing "Remembering." Be sure to listen to the beautiful song at the end . . .

Read more about Thomas Attig on his Grief's Heart Web site, here: http://home.earthlink.net/~tattigca/

[Boo Mayhew]

Marty, the lyrics were spot on ... I am going to type them out and stick them on a church candle to burn at home. Thank you.

Dear Ones,

You will appreciate this Open to Hope video featuring Dr. Tom Attig (noted author, speaker, philosopher) discussing "Remembering." Be sure to listen to the beautiful song at the end . . .

Read more about Thomas Attig on his Grief's Heart Web site, here: http://home.earthlink.net/~tattigca/