Does It Really Get Better

[deborah ogren]

I want to believe that it does get better in time. I just reached the 6 month mark of my parnter passing.I didn't realize that it would be as hard as it was. I feel like I have taken several steps backwards instead of forward. But I have read that the next biggest one is the one year mark. Right now I feel so lonely, and scared all kind of emotions that i am feeling.

I know that life does go on. I do have a lot of faith and that is what keep me going. I know in my heart that she is in a much better place, and she is doing God's Work now.

I know that I'm thankful that she was in my life for 25 years, I wish that it would of been longer. All we can do is take each day as it comes. I have written several letters to her expecially when I'm upset or down. Maybe I need to write her again, because I do fine some sort of comfort.

Deborah

[carrieboo]

Hi Deborah,

I'm sorry for your loss. It does slowly get better, even if it's just a little easier to cope with. Sometimes we do and must take steps backward before moving forward with grief. And you will have those hard days where it feels you cannot cope (I have been dealing with it lately on the 3 year mark), however you will have more days when you feel happier, and can remember your partner while smiling rather than crying.

It helps to write about it, and writing her sounds like a great idea.

I wish you well in your journey, and hope you find comfort here whenever you should need it.

Hugs

[laurieb]

Deborah,

I too have reluctantly reached six months and I too also feel like I have taken some steps back. I feel like I have been in a fog for the last 6 months.. where did summer go? I am now feeling my loneliness and realizing that my future is .. well lonely without my best friend. I was just surviving for the last 6 months and now .. to try to focus on living and moving on it just painful. I find myself crying more and God knows it is so hard. I don't know who I am without him, what God has in store for me? how to go out and try... when I don't want to!!! this isn't how it was suppose to be.

I am trying to be gentle with myself and not push myself too hard. I get a massage with helps with stress, i "move a muscle and change and thought" so that I don't allow myself to dwell on what I don't have, and I try to reach out to help others when I can

My heart goes out to you because I know exactly how you feel

laurie

[kath]

Dear Deborah,

I wondered, too, if at six months life could ever be better. After carrying the heartache and sadness for so long and recognizing the lonliness as my certain future, made this time one of the most difficult. Somewhere in this forum I read that the worst grief is the one that happens to you. I think it's the same with holidays. The worst holiday is the one you have to face next. I try not to project too much, but rather give yourself credit for getting through the ones you have. You have made it through six difficult months. That is a huge accomplishment. Like Carrieboo said, it does get better. It's never the same, but the thought of our loved one brings comfort instead of ache. That is not to say we don't have bad moments or days or even weeks, because some things still need to be worked through. It is a hard journey, for sure.

I've shared this here before, but it's been awhile and this was really the turning point in my journey...I had asked my befriender (the person "assigned" by my church to talk with me on a regular basis) if I would always be this sad. The weight of sadness was exhausting. I told her I used to be funny and wondered if I could ever be funny again. Her response, without missing a beat was, "I know a lot of crabby people that have lost their spouse, and...they are still crabby." I laughed so hard for the first time hearing that. It became my mantra! It gave me hope. At that time there was nothing I needed more than hope and that is what I read in your topic. Is there hope? Hang in there, my friend. There are better days ahead.

Love,

Kath

[Korina]

Hahahaha "I know a lot of crabby people that have lost their spouse, and...they are still crabby." That one made me laugh - thank you!

And I write Scott letters all the time. It almost always makes me feel better.

Korina

[mlg]

I don't know if I would call it better, but becomes more bearable. The first time you laugh again you almost feel guilty.

I try not to obsess over dates and holidays and just let them come. Sometimes when I have a really bad time a week or so later I may realize it was near a certain "date", but would it have happened any way I don't know.

I still have a very hard time with the memories of what we had and will never have again. I was lucky enough to have had quality time through the years because we had decided we weren't waiting for retirement because so many people do and then their dreams are dashed against a rock. I'm so glad we made that decision. Were there still things we wanted to do, you betcha. But someday I hope to be able to look back on the things we did with happiness.

There are wonderful people here that will help you through. Even if some of the old ones leave there are always people like Boo who appear so it should be never ending.

[valley]

Hello All,

I think each word all of you have written, I also have. Today is the anniversary of my Tom's memorial service one year ago. Has life gotten better? Life is just different.

I write this on my son in law's computer as I am staying at my daughters a few days after being released from the hospital after spinal surgery. I am still taking morphine so pardon me if I FALL off topic. The surgeon said all went well, but at the moment I have two numb toes on my "good" foot. Something I did not have before, although the pain down my leg and in my hip seems better.

As I was being pushed into the operating room I saw Tom's face. And then tears started to come so I let go of him. I knew that being strong and steady and still right then was the best place for me at that moment. And I did that. I did not let myself fall apart. When I was finally wheeled out of the post op room (recovery room) I looked up into the faces of my son and my daughter. And that gave me reason to try really hard for a recovery that would bring strength and independence and activity back to me. Is life better? No, not mine. But do I have reason to live and to grow as a person? Yes. I have these two grown children that I want to be there for, as they have been for me. And for my friends, who have shown such concern and caring. Of course I would give anything to slide my hand into Tom's right now and know that when I get home he will bring me coffee in bed and take walks with me in the yard....and yes, even yell at me.....quit bending over!

Love to you all.

Your friend, Shelley

[Boo Mayhew]

Valley, it is SO good to see you name on the boards ... well done, really a huge well done for being so brave and strong. I wish you health - a speedy recovery with your children. Much love, Boo xxx

[marsha]

Deborah - I read something today that really struck me - "there's no such thing as straight line grieving". We go backwards and forwards, again and again - such is the nature of our grief, and our abilities as humans to be resilient. I try to live in the day, not knowing what the future will bring. I think about it, but try not to dwell on it. But like Kath said (thank you for the laugh!), who we were is still who we are, inside. The hard journey is coming to this understanding, to know ourselves again. That's my take, at least. Hugs, Marsha (P.S., GOOD to see you, Valley!!)

[denny's heartbeat]

My Dear Deborah, I'm not so sure at times myself if it gets easier as I approach the 6 month mark in about a week... I think that those steps backwards are part of this journey we are left behind to take. That way when we do step forward again we move farther than we realize. I think about Denny probably every minute of every day, and I push myself to do what I have to do now. He would want me to do that, and I know that I don't have to like it....because I don't!! I think what helps me is knowing that the love of our partner in life stays with us, and for me that's my fuel to get thru these lonely days and very lonely nights. So I can relate to wondering if it's ever going to get easier, I'm still riding the rollercoaster of emotions with you hun and understand how you feel. I wish that I had wonderful words of wisdom that would make your pain easier to bare, but all I can offer you is the honest belief that your partner's love is still very much alive inside you and will keep you going through these days of sadness. Coming here has helped me so much, so keep coming back and we can walk this road together. ((HUGS))

[kayc]

Deborah,

Yes the one year mark is a significant one but for me it was good in that it meant I had survived a year and had gotten past all of the "firsts without". The six month mark is different, it is when everyone has gone home and back to their lives and it's gone on and it feels like so many little things remove you that much further from your spouse...you can't smell their smell anymore, some of their possessions are gone, reality has set in, you now live in an altered state that is your life and you're grappling to make some sense of it, this new life of yours. I wish you the best in your adjustment, there are a lot of people here who have been there, and we have a new person on here that is also at their six month point as well.

Take care,

Kay

[azusaman]

Deborah - I read something today that really struck me - "there's no such thing as straight line grieving". We go backwards and forwards, again and again - such is the nature of our grief, and our abilities as humans to be resilient. I try to live in the day, not knowing what the future will bring. I think about it, but try not to dwell on it. But like Kath said (thank you for the laugh!), who we were is still who we are, inside. The hard journey is coming to this understanding, to know ourselves again. That's my take, at least. Hugs, Marsha (P.S., GOOD to see you, Valley!!)

Marsha, that quote about "there is nosuch thing as straight line grieving" really spoke to me and I have sent it to a lot of my friends. Thank you for that.

Ted