Insensitive People

[LindaKoz]

While most of my family and friends are so supportive, kind, loving, and understanding, I have encountered two people at work who don't understand, don't get me, and just can't seem to keep quiet. The one woman approached me after seeing me crying in the ladies room. She said that she knows I'm not really a "drug" person but thinks I should consider seeing a doctor for some time of anxiety drugs. I guess I'm not supposed to cry even though it had only been 3 weeks since Brian passed away. She then went on to tell me that one day I would be "just as happy." Really? And she knows this how? Brian and I met 3 1/2 years ago and I had never been so honestly happy in my entire life. My true friends have told me that they watched our love blossom and that we both got a big smile on our face and a glow in our eyes when we spoke of each other. I'm fairly sure I will never experience the same happiness in this life . . . perhaps when I am called to be with Brian and God again.

Another person at works insists on telling me that God had a path and a purpose for me and I guess she's implying that is why Brian died. Well I believe in a God who is all love and I believe in a God who is always with me, but I do not believe in a God who decided that Brian should have to die so that I could have a different purpose or path in my life. I'm a seminary student and some day will become a Pastor of a Chaplain. My God would never intentionally place this pain in my life. My dreams, hopes and goals were set. Brian and I had plans for the next 25-30 years of our lives. He died from an infection which raged out of control, not because God wanted to change my future.

What do we do when people are insensitive? How do we respond? I'm so sad and bereft that I don't have the energy to argue with them. I try to avoid talking to these two individuals and rather turn to the friends I know who will let me cry, will give me a hug, will agree there are no reasons. In actuality these are the friends who knew Brian and are also reeling from the loss. I just wish some people would learn that it is better to say nothing or to admit that they know they don't have words to heal my pain. Just give me a hug. Just let me talk about Brian. Just listen!!!

Ok . . needed to get that out of my mind for the day. I'm thankful to have this site to purge the thoughts which torture me if I keep them in side.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[Mrs. B]

Linda, I think that people just don't know what to say. Its kinda of like opening their mouth and insert foot. My spouses family are not very supportive at all. They have not come to my home in 8 months yet I go see them. When I am there they don't even say his name or refer to him at all. This really hurts. But I have to think that maybe it is to hard for them to come here cause that is where their son died. Yet my family constantly talk about him and say his name and I love it. As for God having a plan, I don't believe this in Ricks case. Rick chose not to look after himself or to call the ambulance. He could still be here with me. I'm mad at him for that still. His daughter is mad at God for taking him from her so we both have different views. There are certain times and with certain people that i will start to cry. Its hard. My sister is really a big one for doing the foot thing. Last weekend my other sister had to put their loved dog down after 14 years. My sister and I were talking and she said to me it must really be hard to have something like that gone after having it so long. I just kind of looked at her and she said that was a stupid thing to say wasn't it. But see she just was making conversation and not even thinking about what she said. It did make me chuckle cause the look on her face was priceless. Yet my brother in law said we had cinder just about as long as you had rick around and it didn't fizz me. Cause they still acknowledge he was here. Have yourself a nice weekend.

Mrs. B.

[MartyT]

Linda, dear ~ this is probably one of the most difficult aspects of grief and loss: coping with the insensitivity of others. It is a topic that's been discussed here many times. See, for example,

Are You Better Yet?

Losing It?

Given what you've chosen as your life's work, you might think of these encounters with insensitive others as an exquisite lesson in what NOT to say to those who are hurting. What you are experiencing now is the stuff of which empathy is made, and I know your ministry will be better for it. Let it be just one of the many ways you will continue to honor your beloved Brian.

[marsha]

Linda - I'm so sorry for the loss of your Brian. I've been playing catch up on reading everyone's posts, and I wanted to respond to yours. I think you're doing the right thing, emotionally, by coming here to vent, and leaning on your most trusted friends to be there for you. I'm at just over 15 months, and I swear I could write a book (well, maybe an essay) on insensitive things people have said. I know how vulnerable you feel right now, and it seems that understanding from others is non-existent. I found I sought out other widows' and widowers' opinions when I needed to unburden myself - I could cut right through the crap, and just say how I felt (and I still do it). I honestly don't know anyone who has a direct line to G-d - our faith is personal, and to me, when a person says something to the effect of what G-d's will is -well, to be blunt, how the hell do THEY know?? I sure don't! Please, no offense meant - just wanted to give my 2 cents - Hugs, Marsha

[Maryo]

Hi Linda,

I am glad that you have good support from your friends and family. Most people have never experienced the kind of loss that we have so they don't understand.But sad to say one day they might and then they will understand and only then will they know the true meaning of our grief.

I am so thankful to Marty for allowing me to find people who are so caring and understand on this site.

Take care.

Mary Lou

[LindaKoz]

Thanks everyone for your kind words and concern. I know that I am in the right place. Today a friend from church who lost her beloved husband almost three years ago picked me up and took me to lunch. It was so good to be in her presence because she has an idea of how I feel. And, her words to me were that she doesn't know exactly how I feel because we all experience grief in our own unique way. She reiterated what I've been reading and hearing on these boards . . . don't try to look too far in the future and be gentle with myself. Well, it was good to get out of the house and with her I didn't have to pretend to be stronger than I am and if tears welled up in my eyes and rolled down my cheeks, it was ok. I could just be me in all of my pain and grief. She also knew Brian and it was okay to talk about him as much as I wanted to. What a blessing to be with her.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[Korina]

I am so glad you have found a friend with whom you don't have to pretend...it means so much. Generally, when people ask me how I am, if they are aware of our situation, I am honest - usually it is, "As well as can be expected, I guess. Some days are better than others, some days worse." I don't need to expand on that, but depending on the person, I may. I certainly get the looks of pity / sadness, but I don't suppose I can expect much less. At least it is an acknowledgement.

Hugs,

Korina

[PaulaB.]

For me.... I understand where you're coming from. I lost my Tom almost 4 months ago and some days, it seems like yesterday. One thing that I am learning is that none of my friends or family understand my personal pain nor do I understand theirs. I expected that they would for some strange reason in my mind. I also expected other people to understand, but they don't and they can't unless they have actually walked this road. In that respect, I have learned many things about this lonely journey.

I'm moving past the "Why" about this one and I think it has to do with my previous losses and my learning to not ask that over the past few years. All of the losses are different, but it's kind of like a ladder for me. I don't know if it works that way for everyone, but it's the way it's worked out for me. One step at a time...

Insensitive people are just that; insensitive and I don't even try to understand them. I used to, but I don't anymore. Paula

[mlg]

I too understand your pain, but I really don't think that most people realize how much it hurts. I don't think they are meaning to be cruel. Knowing how much sorrow we go through I had decided to start a program through our church to contact family members about 8 or 9 months after the loss of their loved one to take them supper and talk if they needed it. It was a way of letting them know the church had not forgotten their loved one and give them a supporting hand. So far there are no takers because they say they are doing OK and somebody (not someone who lost someone) felt that maybe it was just a reminder and would maybe make them feel worse. So you see people are damned if they do and damned if they don't. So unless you can tell that they are being spiteful just take it as trying to be kind and not knowing how to do it. Try to be forgiving of their ignorance for one day they will experience this too probably.

[kayc]

1) Remember not to personalize their lack of wisdom and experience...they say stupid insensitive remarks because they don't know any better and don't realize the impact of their stupidity.

2) Enlighten them...even if they're truly stupid and don't get it even when you bluntly point out the reality of the situation, it will make you feel better to speak your piece. Kindly but firmly tell them the correct thing to set them straight.

3) Don't give them another thought...don't let their insensitive, inappropriate words mean any more or any less than what they are...insensitive and inappropriate. Remember, it's not personal, they are probably equally stupid and insensitive to everyone.

I remember two weeks after George died, I was at church (it'd just let out) and I was crying (it was OUR church, and I was still getting used to going without him) and a lady said "You CAN'T love George more than Jesus!" I found that incredible and insanely stupid. I replied, "It's GEORGE that died, not Jesus!" The pastor was standing there and affirmed my response.

I can't tell you how many stupid remarks people made "You'll find someone new" tops the list. Some statements are just too stupid to address. Be glad you aren't as dumb as all that, and don't waste your time on these joe clowns.

[Boo Mayhew]

Linda, I think people just want to act as specialists in every subject ... sometimes it is more helpful and more positively impactful to just sit with someone and not speak - let them talk. They don't understand that we don't want to hear these things, in fact, what we need to do (esp in early days is vocalize what we are going through, because that is how we get our minds to process the horror and reality of what has happened).

Someone (supposedly intelligent scientist at work) said to me, "oh well, it could be worse. There's a reason for everything. At least you're young." I stood there and said, "hmmmmmm". And I thought what a stupid person you are as I watched her bounce off, clearly happy that she had paid condolences to me!!! What I wanted to say (and prob would today) is: Really! What could be worse than losing my heart, my soulmate, my future that was, and can you please explain what the reason is to me BECAUSE I AM JUST DYING TO KNOW ... and what are you implying with the age thing? That I've got longer to adjust (or be miserable) or perhaps that I should go clubbing a seek a replacement husband, because I'm young enough?

Human have an insatiable desire to identify with others (and their feelings) but by doing so, turn the focus on to them (oh I know how you feel, I lost my mom 5 months ago) ... I used to just stand there mute.

And the one that really irks me? "I know how you feel." NO THEY DO NOT. How can they? Breaking up with ones boyfriend is not comparable, on any level to your husband dying. The only people qualified to say those words to you are those that walk the same path as we do.

The reality though is, thankfully, that after the first few months, you just brush these inane comments off ... they are trying to be your teacher, when in fact, it is you who will be theirs one day .... they mean well xxx (but as my father used to say, "that's the worst insult you can give a man to say he means well"!!)

[LindaKoz]

I remember a very wise mentor giving our Adult Ed. class in Church an acronym for what to do when approaching someone who has experienced a great loss. He said to remember KISS -- keep it simple, stupid. For if you don't, you will sound stupid. He went on to tell us that when there are no words, offer a hug. When you don't know what to say, say exactly that. And then, listen. Many of my friends did exactly this and I will be forever thankful for their empathy and compassion. As for those who were insensitive, they really aren't my friends so I'll just try to let it go. Hopefully they will never have to experience someone saying something insentivie when they experience a loss.

Thanks for all the wisdom and sharing on this site. I'm so glad I found all of you.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda