Stuart Posted November 1, 2009 Report Share Posted November 1, 2009 I lost my wonderful wife and best friend Heidi (she was only 49) to IBC-Inflammatory Breast Cancer, on October 17th. This ridiculous and deadly form of breast cancer only needed six short weeks to rob the world of the most compassionate, caring and giving person ever. I consider myself blessed to have had 27 years with her as a couple and 26 1/2 years as husband and wife. I feel cheated that we cant have any more time together. The word wife doesn't even begin to describe what she meant to me. I am still sick with sadness. She gave us two great sons, they are 26 and 21, I know they are grieving in their own way. I dont think that they understand my pain. I dont believe either one of them have ever felt the love for a woman that I felt for Heidi. I'm grateful that Jared our 21 year old still lives with me. He has many friends that he likes to spend time with so I dont see him very often. I have returned to work, that is my only "oasis",in the turmoil that is now my life. I was fine when our home was filled with family, friends and neighbors. They have all gone back to their daily routines. I cant stand how quiet and lonely our house is. The nights are the worst. I cant sleep in our bed anymore, I miss the pretty girl who used to sleep on the right side of the bed. I not ashamed to admit that I cry whenever I think of her. I was standing by her bed in the Hospice at 3:00 am, when when I said to her "I love you pretty Heidi", she gasped for a breath and said, "I love you too". Twenty minutes lated she died. I'm trying to move forward but I'm still crushed with sadness. I have signed up for a bereavement class but it is two weeks away. I wish it took place today. To everyone reading this, visit the website www.ibcresearch.org Learn about this disease, help me spread the word and educate others. We may be able to save the the life of a woman that you love. Thank you, Stuart Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaKoz Posted November 1, 2009 Report Share Posted November 1, 2009 Hi Stuart, I'm so sad to hear that you lost your beautiful wife, Heidi, to such an awful disese and at such a young age. You found the right place to try to deal with your overwhelming grief. I lost my fiancee, Brian, 5 1/2 weeks ago -- he was 53 and it was a very sudden and unexpected death. I have felt and continue to feel all that you describe. The empty house, the inability to sleep in our bed, the overwhelming need to cry. Sadly, there are no words of wisdom which will relieve your pain and ache. We must walk this grief journey and we all do it at our own pace and in our own uniuqe way. Try to be gentle on yourself and be sure to honor all that you are feeling. Try to rest as much as possible because grief takes its toll emotionally, mentally, and physically. Remember to eat because it is important to nourish your body. I know that this can be very hard. I've also been told that some physical exercise is good. Yesterday I went for a long walk and found that it was healing. Keep coming here as you need to in order to express what you are feeling. For me, it does help to write what I am feeling. Know that I am holding you up in prayer. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LarrysGirl Posted November 1, 2009 Report Share Posted November 1, 2009 Stuart, I am so sorry for the loss of you wife. I know the pain is so hard and you miss her so badly. In the beginning I couldn't even go in the bedroom and slept for many weeks on the couch with two dogs. I do sleep in the bed now, but we don't go to his side of the bed. The dogs leave that space for him. Until you class starts keep sharing here and reading the support from alot of caring people who are experiencing this kind of loss also. Some are very new into grief, like you, and others like myself are further along. Take care of yourself and give yourself plenty of rest now. Deborah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stuart Posted November 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 1, 2009 Linda, Thank you very much for your kind and caring words. I told a social worker I met with yesterday, that I believe that women seem to understand me better than my male friends. She said that men are "fixers" and try to repair broken things. I understand you pain and feelings about the loss of your Brian. I wish you comfort and peace in your grieving process. I look forward to hearing from you again. Bless You, Stuart Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stuart Posted November 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 1, 2009 Deborah, Thank you for your kindness. In a brief period of time I have already found some comfort by sharing my story and reading supportive posts like yours. It's sad that we all share this common pain, but knowing that others care is inspiring. Bless you, Stuart Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaKoz Posted November 1, 2009 Report Share Posted November 1, 2009 Thanks, Stuart. I really do understand your pain. Brian was much more than my fiancee. He was my best friend and my soul mate. Though we only met 3 1/2 years ago, we knew immediately that we belonged together. We both had been in bad marriages and relationships but found in each other the person we had been seeking all of our lives. While I am thankful for the time we had together, I can't help but feel we have both been cheated -- Brian more so than me. We had so many hopes and dreams. Now I live in chaos and I don't know how I can go on day after day. I think that you will find the people who are best able to help you or to understand are those who have experienced the depth of your losss in their own lives. Before I lost Brian, I was able to sympathize with friends but now I am actually able to empathize because I know how it feels to be in the shadows of this darkness. So, my new friend, keep coming here and share whatever you are experiencing at the moment. We will listen. We will understand. Hugs to you from Pennsylvania. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laurieb Posted November 1, 2009 Report Share Posted November 1, 2009 Stuart, Gosh, I am so so sorry for your recent loss of your wife and best friend. My husband died suddenly of a heart dissection 7 months ago at age 49 and we too have two boys 20 and 18 and you are right, they do not know the depth of love we had for our spouses. My youngest son was just accepted to college and was all upset about leaving his girlfriend and "how could he go on" I said how do you think I'm doing it without dad by my side after 23 years!.. he finally got it. I would never want them to feel this pain but do want them to have some sort of compassion as it is different. Having said that it is so sad to think they will not know and experience him as adults and for us to grow with our kids and hopefully grandkids some day. This was suppose to be the easy time, after the struggle of raising little ones and then teenagers, this was the enjoyment part when you get to sit back and realize what a good job we both did and how wonderful they turned out. Although I sleep in our bed, there isn't a morning that I don't open my eyes and realize the other side is not slept in. My heart and prayers go out to you. Please keep coming back as this site will help you. I too go to a grief share support group and it has helped tremendously and I have opened up far more than I ever thought I would. I don't feel so alone when I go there or read here. Please be kind and gentle to yourself during this period. Remember to drink lots of water and take it only a moment at a time. God Bless Laurie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stuart Posted November 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 1, 2009 Linda, Thank you again. Everytime I read a response from you,I find it slighly easier to catch my breath. Your words hold a great deal of meaning to me. I also live in Pennsylvania,thank you for the hug and for your help. Please accept this grateful hug back from me. Bless you, Stuart Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stuart Posted November 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 1, 2009 Laurie, Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your story with me. I see the similarities in our grief. People have told me recently that our sons have my brains and Heidi's personality. They are good kids,but sometime I feel like I'm walking on eggshells when our 26 year old is around. I think he listenes to everything I say, but he is quick to be harsh or critical. I beleive that he thinks that I'm being "ridiculous" at times. I know he may be suffering too,but I feel there are times when he adds to my pain.I hope that you are well during this difficult period of your life. Bless you, Stuart Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stuart Posted November 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 1, 2009 Tim, Thank you for sharing this poem with me. I did enjoy reading it. I am going to print myself a copy and refer to often. Thank you for understanding the immense pain of losing a treasured wife. I hope you have peace and comfort in your greif. Bless you, Stuart Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
derby Posted November 1, 2009 Report Share Posted November 1, 2009 Stuart, I am so sorry. It was three weeks yesterday that my husband of 26 years passed (at hospice). I also have a son (22 years old) and I felt somewhat the same way. However last night, he moved from the anger stage to sadness and the tears came hard and for a long time. It is really hard on them when they deal with the finality of their losses. I can tell you this board and all the wonderful people have been such a source of comfort for me and I am sure they will be for you as well. Some of the best advise I got from here was to cry, be gentle with yourself, and go at your own pace. I wish I had the right words to say that could help ease your pain. Just know that myself and many others here, care about what your going through. Blessings, Debbie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maryo Posted November 1, 2009 Report Share Posted November 1, 2009 Hi Stuart, I am sorry about the loss of your wife.I have a 25 year old daughter and her grieving is more silent than my grieving and she doesn't always understand, but that is ok because everyone grieves differently. This is a hard journey but it does get easier. Take care. Mary Lou Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
singledad2 Posted November 2, 2009 Report Share Posted November 2, 2009 Stuart, So sorry for your loss. It sounds like Heidi was a very special woman, and you were indeed blessed to have her for all the years you were together. Few can comprehend the total devastation that losing a spouse causes. You have come to the right place. The best advice I can give you is to let your grief come out when you feel like it. No one can tell you when you should cry or feel hurt, or feel angry, or all of the above. You've got a rough road ahead of you, but the people on this board are all unfortunate enough to have been where you are. Come here often and read, post, cry, vent, or whatever you feel like doing. Just know that we are here for you when you need us Stuart. SD2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kat2005 Posted November 2, 2009 Report Share Posted November 2, 2009 Stuart, I am so sorry for your loss. You had a very special relationship with Heidi and you will always have memories to hold on to. It is okay to cry, scream or whatever makes you feel better. I have done all of these. My loss is fairly new. I lost my husband 4 months ago to a very aggressive form of Prostate Cancer. We had 25 wonderful years together and a wonderful son in his first year of Medical School. I can't tell you anything different that you haven't heard. My emotions are still all over the place. I have learned that you do have to be kind to yourself and take one day at a time. You have come to the right place. Everyone here knows what you are going through and will listen whenever you need someone to talk to. I also posted a beautiful poem. It is titled Needed to Share With Everyone! Hope you will find it comforting. Take care of yourself. Kat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stuart Posted November 2, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 2, 2009 Debbie, I am saddened by your loss also, it sounds like your love for your husband were as strong as my feelings for my beloved Heidi. I am experiencing a wide range of emotions. I just cant remember the last time I laughed. I sit on my couch and wish that we could snuggle together and watch a movie like we used to.I pray that you can also find some measure of comfort in your grieving process.Thank you for caring about me during the most painful time of my life. Bless you, Stuart Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stuart Posted November 2, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 2, 2009 Mary Lou, Thank you for your kind words and for understanding. Bless you, Stuart Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlg Posted November 2, 2009 Report Share Posted November 2, 2009 I'm not going to add much to what people have said, but I want to tell you what I have found. I couldn't figure out what my purpose was to be. Why was I the one left behind? Well, the only answer I could come up with was I was always the go getter and so I am doing every thing I can to try to get people to know about pancreatic cancer and to help and organization that is trying to find an early detection test. Even doing that can be depressing though because this year we didn't make as much as last year. Just remember what ever we do to help rid this world of the things our loved ones died from is honoring them. You have already started with your very first post. Maybe more people need to hear a man's perspective of breast cancer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stuart Posted November 2, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 2, 2009 SD2, Thank you also for your kindness. Heidi was indeed special, she was the light in my life. She raised ten of thousand of dollars for projects that benefitted children. She was the primary caregiver for my 96 year old grandmother. In a very breif time period I have come to realize how impotant this forum is to me. I'm saddened by the fact that we all have a similar agony that we share, but I am so grateful for the outpouring of support and love. Bless you, Stuart Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stuart Posted November 2, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 2, 2009 Mary Linda, Thank for sharing your story. I pray that you are sucessful in informing everyone about pancreatic cancer. Your statement about honoring our spouses by fighting the disease that took them from us is so true. In the future,when I have learned how to live my life without my wonderful wife. I plan to form a non profit orginization to educate everyone about IBC- Inflammorty Breast Cancer. I dont want IBC to take anymore women away for their beloved families. To anyone reading this post please visit, www.ibcresearch.org . Bless you in your fight against pancreatic cancer, Stuart Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaKoz Posted November 2, 2009 Report Share Posted November 2, 2009 Hi Stuart, Thanks for your kind words and for the hugs. This grief journey is the roughest road I've ever walked. There are many things I used to do with Brian that I am unable to do right now. I haven't watched a movie since he passed away. The hours that I sleep fluctuate. I eat only because I need to nourish my body. The joy has left many of the activities we used to enjoy. All we can do is face life one moment at a time. Looking any further ahead than the next moment can be too painful. Remember to breathe. In the beginning that was even hard for me. I remember that I could feel the beginning of panic attacks coming on (numbing of my arms / legs and a difficulty breathing). Coming to this site was really helpful for me so keep pouring out your feelings. You are safe here. We are all in this together and it is so much better than being alone. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Korina Posted November 2, 2009 Report Share Posted November 2, 2009 Stuart: Your Heidi sounds wonderful, and I too, am so sorry that you had to find us. It is an awful journey. As you are doing with breast cancer, I have a goal of raising money for children's hospitals, as this was very important to Scott. We actually started our own federally registered, volunteer only, foundation with a mandate to raise money for children's hospitals. This was a great source of pride for Scott. Also, as my hubby died from complications related to alcoholism and hemochromatosis, I try when I can, to educate about these conditions when the opportunity arises. Especially in the case of alcoholism, which, I believe, has been a traditionally much misunderstood disease. To know than someone so highly intelligent as Scott suffered from it is a testament to its insidious nature. He was in an inpatient treatment program when he was admitted to the hospital, and it was eventually an infection that took him from me. I rail everyday at the fact that I did not have the courage to act earlier, though who knows if it would have done any good. It is so very frustrating and heartbreaking that he died just when he had finally started to combat the disease. I guess I want to make him proud. Hugs, Korina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boo Mayhew Posted November 2, 2009 Report Share Posted November 2, 2009 Hi Stuart welcome to the family that we are here. I am so so sorry that you have lost your beautiful wife. It will have been a huge shock to you to lose her so quickly, and you are in the very early days - I remember those very clearly I am glad that you have found us because I can honestly say that this forum saved me so many times, when I thought I was losing my sanity, when I thought I couldn't do this, someone is always here to listen, to hold your hand ... and it is a completely safe environment. I found posting so cathartic - when we vocalize what we feel, what we think, what has happened it helps us. Take care, be kind to yourself, eat and sleep when you can, Boo x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
derby Posted November 2, 2009 Report Share Posted November 2, 2009 Stuart, Just wanted to thank you for your kind words and let you know I am thinking of you this morning. Blessings, Debbie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeanneC Posted November 2, 2009 Report Share Posted November 2, 2009 Stuart: I am so sorry for the loss of your wonderful wife. I know about this cancer. I know that it is very fast moving and many women don't know about it. I hope that you do find comfort with your sons and know that we all care here about you. Love and God Bless, Jeanne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
derby Posted November 3, 2009 Report Share Posted November 3, 2009 Stuart, Just thinking of you this morning and sending positive thoughts and prayers. Your replies were so touching and my heart is aching for your loss. I am sure our loved ones can feel our love for them. Hope you are being kind to yourself as best you can. Blessings to you. Debbie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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