azusaman Posted November 17, 2009 Report Share Posted November 17, 2009 Three months ago today I watched my darling take her last breath. She is the first person I have ever witnessed dying and I can't get that scene out of my head. I sure thought at this point I would be doing better and this site has really helped me express my sadness, but when I woke up at (3:00AM) I just starting sobbing and the tears are still flowing. I'm sitting here wondering if I should ask my doctor to refer me to professional counseling. Has anyone else tried that? This is going to be a really tough day, I just know it. Thanks for letting me try to get this out early this morning. I would appreciate your prayers. Best to all, Ted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaKoz Posted November 17, 2009 Report Share Posted November 17, 2009 Hi Ted, I'm sending you hugs and keeping you in my prayers. I think the impact of these dates will continue to make us cry. I have the two month date coming up next week and I'm dreading it. Three months is still very recent so please try not to be so hard on yourself. You are missing the woman you loved and trying to heal a shattered heart. I believe this will take a lot of time--much more than three months. I do see a Pastoral Counselor whom I had seen in the past for other issues. Today she is going to work with me so I can try to focus on good memories of Brian rather than the last few days when he was sick. I want to remember the vibrant, loving Brian who was so full of life. I also began to attend a grief support group last week. While both of these do offer we ways to find peace, it is not lasting. I am still overcome by waves of emotions and I still miss Brian with all of my heart and sould. I think that I will for the rest of my life -- he was that important to me. Remember to be kind to yourself, Ted. We're here for you. We care. And, we understand. I will continue to hold you up in my prayers. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rochel Posted November 17, 2009 Report Share Posted November 17, 2009 Dear Ted, I feel your pain...I too have been sobbing lately....I just read Psalms 13 and it really spoke to me...the enemy is sorrow and despair and that it who we fight...let the Lord comfort you in the end of this Psalm...I prayed for you this morning without even reading this...I'm sorry that you had to see Adrianne pass...how difficult this must be to keep picturing...give that picture to God and ask Him to replace it with her new healthy body...the one that is in Heaven...I too sometimes focus on the negative more than I should and that my friend will keep you down and under the "icy lake"...Yes, I think that you should go to your pastor and ask for a Christian man to talk to...Don't be lead astray by any kind of anti-depressant or anti-anxiety anything...they are so hard to get off of...and they are expensive...Walk in wisdom today and ge good to yourself...Bless you, Rochel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azusaman Posted November 17, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 17, 2009 Thank you so much Linda and Rochel. Your words are very uplifting and encouraging especially coming from someone who is experiencing the same pain. You all do a much better job than I do in encouraging other people. Just read Psalm 13...I don't remember reading that in the past and it meaning that much to me until I read it today. Wow!! God sure knows how to speak to us through His Word. Best to all, Ted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azusaman Posted November 17, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 17, 2009 Rochel, interesting that you should bring up the anti-depressant subject. When I went to my primary care physician right after Adrianne died, she wanted me to come back in Nov. or Dec. and, if I wasn't doing any better, she wanted to put me on some kind of anti-depressant. I don't think I really want to do that because right now I have to control the amount of alcohol I drink. I'm not over doing it, (couple of drinks a day) but it could easily turn that way if I'm not careful. No sense in adding something else to the mix. I sure hope I'm not being too open about all this. Ted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaKoz Posted November 17, 2009 Report Share Posted November 17, 2009 Hi Ted, When I returned to work about three weeks after Brian passed away, a co-worker found me crying in the ladies' room. A short while later she came to my desk and said that she knew that I didn't like to take medicine but thought I should see a doctor to get a prescription for anti-anxiety drugs. So I guess three weeks after I lost the love of my life I wasn't supposed to be crying? She then proceeded to tell me that someday I would be just as happy as I was before Brian died. I've written her off as a toxic person and avoid conversations with her. I really didn't think I needed to take medicine, I just needed to be able to grieve for the loss of Brian. And for me, grieving includes a lot of crying. I'm sure that there are many people who benefit from prescriptions, I just didn't and don't feel that I needed to go that route. In addition, I had returned to classes and felt that medicine might make it hard to focus and concentrate. We all try to do what is best for us and in all honesty I am making it up as I go along. This is a new journey for me. I wish I was walking a different path but that's not possible for right now. So, I face this new life--a life which I did not choose--one day at a time and I try to do the best that I can. Hugs to you. Remember to be gentle with yourself and to reach out to us whenever you need to. We are here, nmy friend, to offer prayer, love, and support. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rochel Posted November 17, 2009 Report Share Posted November 17, 2009 Ted, I just spoke with a neighbor the other day and she has to be on antidepressant drugs the rest of her life...they really become a monster and you depend less on the Lord and look for the fix...now some people need them, but for you and the drinks, it would be a bad combo...I can't drink, it makes me worse and then I really miss the romance and the love and then I cave in...It is a very rough time for you and all of us, but the Lord will see you thru...I'm preaching to the choir when I say this...yesterday, I didn't pray or read the Word in the morning and I was a mess...It was my cocker spaniel's birthday and we always sang to her, needless to say...that really turned the tears on when I tried to sing to her...just memories suck now, but later on, we will be glad to have them...How long were you married??? Be gentle to yourself...we are all here to hear your heart...In fact, this forum family is my counseling sometimes...Blessings, Rochel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rochel Posted November 17, 2009 Report Share Posted November 17, 2009 And, you are not being too open..this is what we are all here for to be open with eachother, because the one we used to be this open with is no longer with us...we are with you..............all the time....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azusaman Posted November 17, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 17, 2009 21 years married...together 23 years. Ted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted November 17, 2009 Report Share Posted November 17, 2009 Ted, dear, you might find these posts helpful: The Use of Anti-depressants in Grieving? Interview: Are We Medicating Normal Grief? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rochel Posted November 17, 2009 Report Share Posted November 17, 2009 Hi Ted, My counselor told me today that the 3rd month is really rough as you are experiencing...and we thought it was going to let up ...This grief thing is truly a monster...and without God, we would be helpless and hopeless..."He" has a plan for our life...and we have to remember this...Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. So you see my friend...we will have a future...Next week I will probably have to read this for myself over and over....Bless you, Rochel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaG Posted November 18, 2009 Report Share Posted November 18, 2009 Oh Ted- I am in my second month. I have brief moments of clarity and then an entire weekend of crying. I am reading and talking to multiple grief counselors. If you call your local hospice they will refer you to someone to talk to locally. My thought on the pain meds is when they wear off - you are still there - in the grief. I truly believe you have to feel it - all of it- to be able to one day function again. The first night my husband died I slept in his truck. I have a sectional sofa in the living room with a bay window that overlooks the driveway. I have sat on that sofa for weeks waiting for him to come home. I am beyond sad - beyond lost. I have a good support team that I have built around this grief. If one outlet did not work - I tried another. I will say one thing that has helped me regain some control is exercise - walking. When I feel I have spent too much time looking at pictures or crying over memories - I grab the dogs and head down to the beach for an hour walk. Find good people to help you and if you can't ask a friend to help you. Hospice is wonderful and I find it easier to talk to a complete stranger than family. Good Luck - this web-site has helped me enormously and I believe you will find the same. - Linda G Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azusaman Posted November 18, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 18, 2009 Rochel, that is one of my favorite scriptures. It's incredible to know that God has good plans and good thoughts for our lives even if we don't see them in our current circumstances. Thank you for that and thank God. Ted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azusaman Posted November 18, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 18, 2009 Linda G, I'm sorry for your loss. I think that the second month is a "tweener", between shock and reality. I do go to the gym when I feel like it, but haven't felt much like it in this third month. And you're right, this site and the good folks on here have been a life-line for me. Best to you, Ted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rochel Posted November 18, 2009 Report Share Posted November 18, 2009 Hey you guys, looks like we all live here in beautiful sunshiney Arizona...The weather is perfect to walk....I have been walking for the last 3 years and it is my sanity and a way to keep the weight off...me and the dog...The mornings are perfect now...My counselor said yesterday...if we don't get the grief out when it needs to rip thru our entire system like a 220...it will come out in other ways later on and also seep into other relationships, especially new relationships...now that is nice huh...really gives us something to look forward to...Let's all work on getting it out...Like Lindakoz says..she just lets it happen...do we have a choice???? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azusaman Posted November 18, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 18, 2009 Rochel, you are making all the people that live in other parts of the country really jealous right now. Isn't it so beautiful here in AZ now? Actually the summers aren't that bad, at least we don't have to shovel the heat! Man, I have to just knuckle down get through this. I don't want to end up like my brother in Oklahoma who lost his wife of 50 years. He has been sitting on the couch doing nothing for the last two years. Keep up the inspirational posts. Best, Ted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 18, 2009 Report Share Posted November 18, 2009 What you are going through is very normal and to be expected...yes it's harder at 3-6 months than at first because the shock has worn off, people have gone home, back to their lives, and you're left to deal with the harsh reality. I'm sorry! If it's of any consolation, we get better at coping and do adjust some with time. Personally, I think whatever helps one get through this, great...alcohol doesn't help, but counseling, support groups, and sometimes antidepressants or sleep aids might be called for, under a doctor's care, of course. Good luck to you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Korina Posted November 18, 2009 Report Share Posted November 18, 2009 I, too, feel that we must allow ourselves to feel the pain. When people suggest things like antidepressants, they are likely just uncomfortable with grief, and don't know what else to say. If your doctor is suggesting antidepressants, it is important that the doctor knows background circumstances regarding alcohol consumption (not supplying a doctor with relevant information can be like giving a doctor the wrong information - and something we may not consider relevant may very well be important). Ted, as you know, I am seeing a counsellor. And because my baby was going through addiction treatment when he got his infection and died, I made it a point to go to someone not necessarily a grief counsellor, but someone who has counselled on addictions, as I felt I really needed this added perspective. And no, you are NOT being too open. Very often, I believe you have to be able to say the words in order to deal with and accept feelings, fears, whatever it is that is troubling your heart. Take care, Korina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azusaman Posted November 19, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 19, 2009 Rochel, what type of counselor do you go to? I had a one on one with the Hospice counselor during my first month and I'm thinking about calling her and setting up another appt. I really think I need to see someone on a regular basis now. The church I attend has a Wednesday evening grief class, but I'm not really interested in that. Right now the loneliness and boredom is really getting to me. Ted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rochel Posted November 19, 2009 Report Share Posted November 19, 2009 Hi Ted, This gal is named Petra Luna (good name huh!) maybe you can write a song....do you write songs??...Here I go again talking about music.. anyway, she is a really good counselor...I got to talk my head off yesterday and she just listened with her heart....she has been counseling for years...She told me yesterday to call her anytime...even when I'm in Calif...Ted, I would much rather see you go to a counselor than try and go this alone, lonely and too much alcohol...I understand the boredom...I'm too young to be a widow and not keep busy and yet, where do I fit....????These are some of the things that I talked to Petra about...Make that call and get some counseling...better than doing the bachelor thing and really get mad at yourself....There can be lots of trouble out there in the world...be careful....Rochel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azusaman Posted November 19, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 19, 2009 Rochel, Thanks for the info. I don't write music, just play blues and classic R&R on guitar. How often do you see Petra? (cool name by the way) East side or West side? Too many questions? Ted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rochel Posted November 19, 2009 Report Share Posted November 19, 2009 Petra is on the eastside Hospice office...not too many questions.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeeGee Posted November 19, 2009 Report Share Posted November 19, 2009 I would like to add my own take from the other side of the spectrum on the value of anti-depressant medications. First of all, they are not "pain medications". Nor are they "anti-anxiety" medications. Anxiety and depression are two different things. A person can have one, or both of these conditions. Clinical depression and grief are not the same thing. BUT it is well documented that grief can set off an episode of clinical depression. So for any of us who have any type of a depressive history - or even for those who have no history of depression - any good physician will be monitoring a patient who is experiencing grief. I am a person who needs to take a maintenance dose of antidepressant medication every day. So "getting off the medication", for me, would be like a diabetic wanting to "get off" insulin. It is not something to even consider. There has been much research in treating clinical depression over the past 20 years. There are numerous medications available that are safe, well-tolerated, and taken by millions. We do not feel "medicated", we are not "masking our pain". What we are doing is preventing ourselves from sliding into a deep, deep depression. So I would advise anyone who is experiencing grief to speak freely with their doctor about these issues. They know what to look for and how to diagnose the condition. And yes, there are other solutions for clinical depression but medication. Cognitive behavioral therapy is very effective. Oh, and by the way azusaman, you need to know that alcohol in and of itself is a depressant. Meaning it can CAUSE depression. Most doctors will allow a glass of wine with dinner when taking anti-depressants, but that's about it. I was told that it is not that combining the antidepressant with alcohol will make you crazy or anything like that, but the alcohol negates the action of the antidepressant medication in the body. The big bad thing about depression is that it far too often results in suicide. That's why it needs to be treated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azusaman Posted November 20, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 20, 2009 DeeGee, Thank you so much for your in depth response. You see, I am reluctant to discuss any alcohol use with my dr. because she tried to get my wife to quit drinking and was unsuccessful. Having said that, when my wife was admitted to the hospital, she could not be put on a list for a liver transplant unless she had been alcohol free for 6 months and that means absolutely no alcohol at all. Now suppose she had been alcohol free for 5 months. Who calculates the death-meter? Do you detect a little bitterness here? That's another issue I have to deal with. I will consider the anti-depressants because that will be motivation enough for me to quit drinking altogether. By the way, my dr. tried to get my wife to take anti-depressants, but she said she didn't like them and therefore wouldn't take them. The only thing I worry about are the side effects...addiction, ED, spaced out etc. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Best, Ted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rochel Posted November 20, 2009 Report Share Posted November 20, 2009 Hi Ted, The grief group (Hospice) that I attended was older people and kind of moved on from where I'm at...so, therefore you can't bare your soul like a one on one session....and since I don't want to cry among many people, I chose not to attend...Since I'm going to Cali for awhile anyway, why get started....Ted, if you like to read, there are some good books on Amazon (used) on grief that are pretty good...such as "I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can" by Linda Feinberg...Hope you are doing better tonight...of course, you don't know when the "thing" is going to hit....Blessings, Rochel beautiful weather huh!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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