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You Can't Go Back. You Can't Stay Here. You Must Go Forward&#3


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Hi My fine family,

This is a quote from my devotional for today...can we all do this...One day at a time I suppose...We all know we can't go back...we can't stay stuck and I believe that I was stuck, but since I have been in Ca. I haven't had the triggers that I had when I was alone at home...this is just what the Lord ordered...and the last part...we must move forward, I used to hate to hear this, but it is true if we can do it...I would love for all of us to get together on this site on Christmas Eve (Bob's deceased date) and wish eachother a Merry Christmas...Too bad we all can't be at a party together...and toast our love for one another...Bless you this day...Rochel

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Hi Rochel,

Thanks for providing a thought for the day. While I still wish I could go back (or at least bring Brian back), I do know that it's not possible. As for staying here, wouldn't want to live the rest of my life stuck in these dark shadows. All I can do is try to forge my way into a future where I bring the loving memories of Brian with me and where I begin slowly to live again. I've had several people comment that they still see light shining in me and that they believe I really am working through the grief process in an admirable way which honors Brian's memory. These are trusted friends who would not lead me astray. So I keep trying and hope I make a little progress every day. I know there will be days when the pain still overwhelms me, when little memories trigger the tears. But I also know that my schooling, my involvement at church, and my amazing friendships will help me along this journey. I have decided to choose life and I know that this choice makes Brian happy. Sometimes I feel his presence with me and this is a true blessing.

I'm glad to hear that you are doing well in California. It's good to hear from you, my friend. On Christmas Eve I'm planning to stop by a friend's house for a while. Not yet sure if I'm going to church. It might be a bit to overwhelming for me this year. I'll log on when I can and offer a toast of hope for the new year.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

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Linda, I still see light shining in this message. A little progress every day is good and takes you a step forward from where you were yesterday. Man, that sounds like something George Carlin would say. I hope your Christmas and this time of year is kind to you and your thinking of all the good memories of Brian...emphasis on the good.

Best,

Ted

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Hi Rochel,

I am so glad you are doing well in California. I am actually thinking about visiting my sister, she lives down the penisular from San Francisco sometime this summer.

I am trying to look to future but I feel stuck. I still am having trouble accepting this life that has been handed to me. These last couple of days I just can't stop thinking about how it used to be. I feel like I am going backwards in this journey. The little bit of joy I got by putting up a tree is gone. I just miss Pat so much.

Well tomorrow is a new day and I know things will get better eventually. I know there will be setbacks but my wonderful memories will carry me through. I know it just takes time.

We usually have a quiet Christmas Eve at home. We do the family thing on Christmas Day. Hope to see you here on Christmas Eve.

Take care,

Kat

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Hello,

I am reading what you are all writing. I feel like I am going backwards... Or is it more like a rollercoaster? I can't tell. I'm still dealing with life insurance and bills and legal stuff. Today, I feel completely hopeless and helpless. Although I think I accomplished some things today, but it was all in a daze. I am so sad, I can't even express my sadness. I feel totally inconsolable.

Linda said that she has "decided to choose life." That sounds nice, I want to do that some day. I have been walking around in a fog. It doesn't feel like I'm living, I feel like I am barely existing. Sort of like my husband, Wen, during the last 4 days of his life. I don't feel any quality in my life. I am broken-hearted and miserable.

Maxine

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Hi All

I am going to try to visit here on Christmas Eve. It was always a special time for Scott and I and our family. We always had meat fondue for dinner, gave thanks, opened one present each and laughed and talked before Scott and I played Santa. We actualy became engaged on Christmas Eve. It will be very difficult this year, like life is some.. most days

Maxine, Please accept all our prayers and support. I can sympathize with your feelings. It is such a fog during those first few days/weeks I am so glad you are posting so early in your journey. I wish I was smart enough to find this site early on. We are here for you.

Hugs

laurie

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Hi Ted,

Thanks for seeing my light shining. And, thanks for getting me to laugh with the George Carlin line. :D I don't laught as much as I used to and it felt good.

I hope that you are doing well, it sounds like you are. I wish you hope, peace, joy, and love during this Christmas season and during the days and years to come. Hugs to you, my friend.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

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Oh, Maxine, I'm sending hugs and love your way. It really takes time. I had two bad days in a row where all I wanted to do was hibernate and cry. Your roller coaster analogy is absolutely right. I am choosing life but that doesn't mean that the sadness has gone away. It just means that I am going to fight my way through the pain, the sadness, the grief, and the longing. I know that it won't be easy but I need to find a way to live. Please be gentle on yourself, my friend. Our time of grief is a walk through the shadows of death. I pray that you will find those glimmers of light and glimpses of peace. My counselor told me that it is life trying to lure us back. Take small steps. Face one day at a time. It's the best that we can do. I'm here for you to lean on and there will be days when I need to lean on you. We walk together because we understand. Know that I am lifting you up in my prayers.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

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I find it very interesting how people deal with this situation. A year ago I would read posts (on other forums) and my eyes would bug out in disbelief over how some were reacting to their newly aquired status. Ugh. I was the woman that wore the beautiful clothes, jewelry, makeup etc and I didn't have a day of 'don't get dressed and stay in bed all day sad' until I hit the one year mark. I was the 'cheerful' gal. Hmmm. Um, where did she go cos I would like her to come back? Something about the one year mark where everyone around me figured I should be 'moving on' has hit me like a ton of bricks. I know logically I have to go forward but I really don't want to. I want him to come walking through the front door. I want him to tell me some sports show story that I could care less about. I want him to tell me it's all going to be ok. And he won't or can't or figures I can do this. I know he thought I was a very strong person and I am. Just not for today. It's gloomy outside, cold and I want to light my fireplace and have him here with me. Is that asking too much? Apparently.

I will try my best to start my week off positive. I give myself weekends to be sad. Maybe it is a luxury? don't know.

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Yeah, just having a rough day. Is it really past 2 and I'm still in jammies? I'm not sure if I'm more freaked out about not being dressed in my day to day wardrobe or the fact that I had to actually purchase warm jammies because my true love isn't here to keep me warm? Ugh. Either way it sucks. He would crack up that I have on a true 'pajama' set. So not my style :) Oh well, pity party for one or if anyone cares to join me, let me know and I'll change my reservation.

Thanks to everyone here for understanding.

Rochel, when will you be back? Maybe the Phoenix people can get together? I wouldn't mind hosting and it would give me something to direct my attention to. I used to love to have parties at our house and it seems like such a waste not to do that anymore.

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I doubt I will be here on Christmas Eve, as my mother-in-law doesn't have internet... So a toast to you all in advance. I pray we all will get through these holidays - somewhere up there, I believe our loved ones are looking down on us.

Hugs,

Korina

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Good morning all,

I am hoping to check in Xmas Eve sometime during the day/early evening. My son and I are having our annual Christmas Eve drop-in and I have a feeling there will be standing room only as many of our extended family will be stopping by to support and surround us. I am hoping to find comfort in their visiting. I am more worried about New Year's Eve. I believe our office will be on regular schedule so I will not get home till 5:00pm. Thinking about staying with my orginal plan of junkfood, movies, internet, and plenty of tissues. I read a post on here something like do we want to let go of 2009 or hang on to it. Not sure which I want. I thought it was an interesting point and prospective. Makes me ponder the question and a good one at that. Until then, Blessings to all and I am so glad for all the viewpoints and the opportunity to read what you all are feeling. Thank you so very much for sharing. Debbie

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Hi Kat,

I'm doing as well as can be expected here in CA...but the triggers are here too....I cannot remove this photo off of the site and it makes me sad to look at it...I'm sorry that you miss Pat so much...there are a lot of memories around a Christmas tree...I think it is hard for all of us...we all here have become increasingly more sad as the Season is moving upon us...I haven't said Merry Christmas this year like I used to and I hate "Happy Holidays"...we all need eachother here to keep eachother company...we understand the pain and we can help one another...I for one, get so much out of this site...Bless you, Rochel

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Maxine,

I am walking in the fog with you (mark passed 11/11/09) and I feel like my heart is broken. Just know someone is walking in the fog with you and maybe we can walk out together one day.

Ellen

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Ellen,

I hope we can walk out of it together too. Someday... I don't see any light at all, just dark clouds and fog and I feel like I'm funneling down into the 7th circle of Hell. I feel like my days are getting worse, if that is possible. My heart is ripped to shreds. I am barely going through the motions.

I know I am being too hard on myself. I always expect alot from myself. LindaKoz is always saying, "be gentle on yourself." Linda has been the most inspirational person on this site for me so far. I can relate to her very well and she helps me wrap my brain around things. I say, "be gentle" to myself in my head but I don't know how to communicate it to my heart right now. There is nothing gentle about the ripping and shredding and heaviness and anxiety and tightness that my heart feels right now.

Also, if I want to analyze myself, I will say that it is because I was in the Air Force for almost 10 years and have trained myself to keep pushing forward no matter how bad it feels. I am a very determined person when I have to be, except when it comes to matters of the heart. I can be outwardly "determined and steadfast." But my insides are a pile of mush. The only strength I have right now is coming from the Holy Spirit. Just as it was when I was taking care of my Wen while he was severely ill from liver cancer for 4 months. As a human, I have no strength of my own now or then. I didn't know what I was doing from one minute to the next, I was just following my heart. That last 6 days of Wen's life, we were at home with Hospice and the nurses were literally, "Angels sent from God." They were so amazing. They put my mind at ease, and assured me that I was doing everything possible to keep Wen as comfortable as possible while waiting for the inevitable.

Now I have to close because the flashbacks from those heartbreaking days of watching "My Love" slip away from me are so vivid and clear it feels like it happened this morning. I hate looking at the clock at 10:30 am everyday because that was his time of death.

I'll be back tomorrow, I'm going to cry myself to sleep and do it all over again tomorrow.

God Bless you all,

Thanks for the loving and caring words,

If I read them enough, I hope I can feel them,

Maxine

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Maxine...right now I know it seems overwhelming, but it's true when we say this is your time. Take all the time for yourself. I too have been dealing with insurance issues, lawyers, crazy in-laws, medical bills, and still a vehicular homicide case of the 22 year old that was texting and hit us on our motorcycle sending us both l0 feet. I don't know what angel laid me down safe even after my helmet flew l0 feet away from me, but she saved me then. Duke laid close by with a severe femur crushed. I never asked about any other injuries. He was operated on and I was told by the doctors we would both be fine. On July 8th a clot lunged to his heart and he could not even be saved right there in the hospital...Geez. I was right in the next room, in my clamshell brace (fx T8 T9) and broken tibia braced thinking we'll be fine. Shock!!! I only got to see him after he died. It wasn't him there, it wasn't him at the wake, he isn't lying at the cemetary. He's somewhere. I've come through the fog to see the sunshine of our life together. I'm moving forward a little at a time 5 months ago I didn't think I could get here but because some poem says "he's right around the corner" I keep moving on. All of us here on the site will help and support you through this journey. God Bless Judy

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