Need To Share

[JohnG]

Kstrongmind.bmp Only my family and close friends know this but I really need to share my story with others in my situation of having lost their best friend and partner

I met Krystal when she was 20 and just out of college and I was 24 and had been working a couple of years already. We met at work fell in love and were married a year and a half later.We were inseperable our entire lives. We never went anywhere without the other. We may have spent a total of 5 days apart in nineteen and a half years.I was a musician she became a musician, I joined bands, she joined the same bands, she became a vegetarian, I became a vegetarian, she decided to go vegan and I supported her no matter what so I became a vegan. We worked together side by side for over 10 years. We moved a business together.I moved across the country because she wanted to and I loved her.We were in the hospital in the early morning hours together supporting brothers and sisters through the births of 4 nephews. We visited ailing grandparents on our lunch hours together. I had to go to work at 4am and she would get up with me and fix my lunch every day while I showered and dressed. We did everything together.

She'd been having a hard time in her job lately, doing what else, helping people with failing health, fitting mastectomy patients with prostheses and generally caring for them in a difficult period of their lives. Then downsizing hit her and she felt she was no longer useful. Depression set in but she hid it from us all. Her parents and I did not have a clue she was so sad. I came home early for lunch on July 14,2009, the day after my 45th birthday, to surprise her and I found my beloved Krystal had taken every pill in the house, lay down and then shot herself through the heart. I believe she did this because whenever she felt particularly hurt she would say it "hurt her heart" and I feel she felt her heart was hurting so badly that she wanted it to stop. She was only 41 years old.

The loss of someone who had literally been beside me constantly has left me wandering around in a daze so lonely and lost.I'm trying to get through but the pain sometimes seems insurmountable. I miss her.

[Maryo]

John,

I am so sorry about the loss of your wife Krystal.This site is a good place for all who have lost a loved one.

My husband have been gone 17 months.The pain will ease up. You have to take it one day at a time because this journey can't be rushed as everyone will tell you.

Mary Lou

[azusaman]

John, I am so sorry to hear about how that all happened. That is almost unbearable grief you must be feeling. My Adrianne lost her job going on three years ago and went into a downward spiral of depression and turned to alcohol and just not taking care of herself. In looking back, I think she was trying to kill herself, but in a slower manner. She even told one of the women in her women's ministry class at church earlier this year that she wanted to die, but I don't think I ever realized the magnitude of the situation. I will be praying for you man.

Best,

Ted

[jrm]

Dearest John, I've been crying all day because I miss my Duke. We were married 40 years and he was my best friend. When I read your post I liked reading about how you and Krystal were "best friends". That's why we are so sad, our best friend is gone...not away...gone. Some have been lost to cancer, some to accidents like ours, some with heart attacks, but I'm crying now for Krystal and you John. I'm sure everyone on this site will feel your grief in a special way. I promise to stick by you and help you on your journey. Oh how painful it must be. God Bless Judy

[Jsph110]

I don't even know what to say John. I am sorry.

[mrspapajohn]

Oh, John - - I am, so very. very sorry for what you are going through. Thank you for sharing Krystal's picture with us. Her eyes are so beautiful, they are haunting. Like you and Krystal, my husband, Stephen, and I were inseperable for 28 years. Even now, when I read something funny or poignant, I turn to tell him about it. We shared everything, every day, every minute. Like you, I miss that sharing so much it is unbearable. Like you and Krystal, we did everything together from the diets, to stopping smoking, listening to the same type of music, working for the same political party, playing golf together, working in our careers together to the point that we shared the same secretary. Our favorite part of the day was lying together in each other's arms at night. Stephen died at home, in his own bed, in my arms. That is the one thing you missed with Krystal and I am so very sorry that you did not have that. Right now, though, we, the survivors, are not really damaged. Nothing in us is "broken." We are hollowed out. The loss of the love of our lives has left a gaping hole in our hearts and spirits. But please know, that these empty parts will begin to fill in again as our loves start moving back into our hearts. It will be a year on January 6 that Stephen died. I was so devastated that I could not stop crying. I cried 7 days a week, 24 hours a day, just stopping when the crying had so exausted me that I fell into a fitfull sleep, only to awaken and begin to cry again. These days, while I still cry on ocassion, I can actually feel Stephen in my heart. I cannot say that my heart is healing because it was never really broken. There just seemed to be this vast empty space where my heart had been and now that space is not quite so empty all the time because Stephen has come to live there. There are still days when the pain is overwhelming and I think, "How can anyone survive this?" But I do; we all do and eventually, those horrible pain-filled days come less often. We are never the same, but the new us that we become alone is better because we have lived with a love that embodied what a love between two people is supposed to be. As intolerably difficult as it is now, I know that we are the fortunate ones to have experienced a love so deep and so profound as ours was.

Peace, my friend. You are in my thoughts.

Kathy

[MartyT]

John, dear ~ your loss is so unspeakable that we scarcely know what to say to you ~ but we are grateful that somehow you have found your way to us. As you read the responses you've received so far, I hope you'll feel our collective arms embracing you, and you'll see that we won't let you travel this difficult path alone. We are here for you as long as you need us, with compassion, support and comfort ~

Yours is a special kind of traumatic grief, and I want to point you to some resources that I hope you will find helpful and informative, since they are aimed specifically at survivors of suicide. Sadly enough, there are more of you than you can possibly imagine ~ and many of them stand ready to help one another. When you feel ready to do so, please visit the Suicide Loss page of my Grief Healing Web site, and follow some of the links you'll find listed there.

Meanwhile, know that we are holding you in gentle thought and prayer, and sending you our deepest sympathy . . .

[JeanneC]

John:

I have been on this site now for about 1 1/2 years and just recently I haven't been posting that much, but I do read everyone's post. I had to write when I read your's. I am in total shock to hear your story. Every story here is sad, but to hear how your wife passed is even more shocking. After reading what a wonderful relationship you two had, my heart goes out to you. I really don't know what words to say to you, but just know that this is a wonderful place to talk about whatever you want. The people here are wonderful and all are caring. They helped me through some really rough times. Please take care of yourself and maybe one-on-one counseling will help also.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[Kat2005]

John,

I am really lost for words. I just want to let you know how sorry I am for the loss of your wonderful Krystal. What you had was very unique. Like you and Krystal, I also met my husband at work. We worked together for over 30 years and were married for 25. He passed on June 23rd and that is the day my whole world was turned upside down. My heart feels like it has a huge hole in it. I know as time goes on the hole will become smaller but it will never feel the love that I shared with Pat. It will be six months next Wednesday and my emotions are still all over the place. The tears still flow but I am able to control them alittle more then before.

Just remember to take care of yourself. Come here as often as you need to because there is always someone here to listen. Unfortunately, this journey we are on is not a pleasant one. Each person's grief is unique. All I can say is that I have felt so much love and compassion from my friends here. They understand because they are going through the samething.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Take care,

Kat

[Rochel]

Dear John,

We all have our own painful stories on this site and this is the place to be when you have those gut wrenching moments. I read your story and I immediately prayed for your heart...Oh how it must be breaking...I don't want this to sound like a cliche but the only way you can pull yourself out of this is to seek God - "one day at a time" - counseling one on one - meeting us here all the time, we will become your family, friends and the ones you can confide in...It takes time, time and more time to have your brokeness mended...The men on this site have gone through their own private Hell..They can relate to your pain and will be here for you...I know the agony that you are going thru from my own pain of losing my Bob in September from Prostate Cancer...although I knew that I was fighting a losing battle and the struggle trying to save him, it didn't catch me by surprise like you losing Krystal and she was in good health?? Did she have anything wrong medically?? I would love to send to your email today's devotional on grief...I don't know where you come from Spritually, but where you are in your crisis, the only one you can call on is "God" and He is right there to bring peace where there is pain...There is love here at this site, come to see us day or night, we are here for you...Believe me John, all our hearts are breaking for you...Bless your day today...Rochel

[kath]

Dear John,

Your loss is so great that I think we all just want to wrap you up and hold you as you heal. I was inseparable with my husband also and it takes a great deal of self-forgiveness and care to be able to function again. I am certain you are still in shock and the numbness is what gets us through the early days. Krystal must have loved you so deeply to not want to burden you with her pain. She sounds like an angel and someone who touched the hearts of so many hurting people. It takes someone special to be able to do that line of work. It can't be easy. I will pray for you both.

Kath

[Korina]

John:

Thank you very much for honoring us with the story of Krystal and your lives together. I heart cries for you. My Scott died in June of this year, from complications brought on by both addiction and hemochromatosis (a genetic blood condition causing iron to build up in the organs). I found that Scott seemed depressed, and I sit here wishing I had done something else, said something else, delved deeper....hindsight truly is 20/20. But now, I am doing my best to deal with life without my soulmate, taking comfort from our baby daughter, and the certainty that our love will never die, no matter what. It sounds like your love was very special, and will never fade.

Take care,

Korina

[Fredzgirl]

Wow, John, you are an incredibly strong man to be able to deal with Krystal's decision to take her own life and then to share your story. I'm humbled. You may not have realized how sad she was at the time but you knew her heart and you loved her deeply when she was alive and still love her now. It sounds like you understand why she did what she did and that you have been able to accept it because you loved her so much. Peace be with you.