I Need My Handyman!

[Kat2005]

We recently have had quite a few days of really cold weather. Some of you are probably laughing but down south we are not used to freezing or below freezing temperatures for any length of time. Last night I had to try to wrap exposed pipes and bring in all my plants. I was outside in the dark trying my best and I just started crying and couldn't stop. He was always the one to do all of these things. It just gets overwhelming trying to deal with all of the emotions and then having to deal with situations like this. The reality of being alone really slaps you in the face. I keep telling myself baby steps. Once again, thanks for listening.

Kat

[Rochel]

Hi My Friend Kat,

My heart really goes out to you...It is so difficult to have to do things that they did all the time and we find ourself alone trying to take their place with the chores...I know it makes you miss him all the more...The cold weather really can bring on the grief, lonliness and tears...I'm right with you there..I'm still in Northern Calif. and it is very cold and gray here...staying with my mom and counting the days to when I will return to Arizona...which I might add is very sunny and clear and beautiful....At least I won't have any regrets that my mom did not get taken care of after my husband died....I have jumped into the caregiver role again with my mom after taking care of my late husband....Sometimes, I need my head examined....Bless you and hang in there, Rochel

[marsha]

Hi Kat - I hear you! I've turned to friends, and if they're not available, the professionals to help me. I tried to be Marsha AND Joe - some things I could take on, some I couldn't. Sometimes, though, when I think if the situation were reversed, Joe would be going through the same lack of knowledge of what I did. We were a team - one took over where the other left off. But neither has/had all the answers. You're doing the best you can, and it sucks. Hugs!!! Marsha

[Sharon3]

I totally get it.....I sold my house and bought a brand new condo which has been wonderful even though the path to it was pure horror going through everything and selling when you are on your own. I had to rely on my son and friends a lot during that time and that was never my style but the lesson I learned is that when people ask how they can help, allow them to because they feel useful and purposeful and want to help. My husband was a carpenter and an even better cook so I miss his wonderful meals. Just today I walked past the pasta isle in the store and it brought tears to my eyes. My husband was Italian and we had his home made sauce all the time. There are triggers everywhere but especially when it is something you always counted on them to do. Hang in there

[Mrs. B]

Hi Kat,I totally know how you feel. My handy man would go out and warm the car off for me and scrape the window and it the snow was bad he would even drive me to work. The anxiety I get when i see the snow is overwhelming but I have to deal with it. He shovelled the sideway and driveway. I shattered my ankle a couple years ago and it still gives me problems. He would make sure sidewalk was always salted. Besides he did most of the snow removal in our town casue he had a payloader. I had a call just the other day and it was quite innocent the person at the business did not know Rick had passed away. So even the first snow fall made me sad becasue it was his business and he for the most part loved doing it. Just do the best you can and give yourself a pat on the back. I do get a sense of accomplishment that I did it but in the same breathe wish I didnt have to and he was still here. I miss him so . Take care have a good night. Mrs. B.

[kath]

Dear Kat,

I run into those situations quite often and the only way through is to cry it out. (Did I ever tell you my bat story?) I can't even load the salt for my water softener so all of us our walking through the winter scratching and dry. With a house, two kids, a full time job with an hour commute and a crazy dog, the work is endless. I try to keep everything going and realize I can't live up to "our" standards alone. So, if the driveway gets plowed, the dishes don't get done. And if I have a mountain of laundry, the car will stay dirty, and if the garage is clean, the house is trashed, etc., etc. It's probably a good thing my friends don't stop to visit. They'd think I've given up for good.

Thanks for giving me the visual of plants and warmth. We've been immersed in -11 degrees (before factoring in the wind chill) for weeks and I'm tired of freezing. It has to warm up to snow tomorrow so, that will be my reprieve. I'll be thinking of you when I snowblow!

Kath

[furkid]

My husband was a woodworker and general handyman. So many time I've wondered if he would have had a better idea on how to do something that I'm totally lost on. I don't have kids, but I have absolutely no motivation to cook, clean, or do anything I should be doing.

It's been awhile since I've been here but I've been thinking about all of us, especially the females like me, who have been thrown into snow removal. My brother, who is working 2 jobs, recently helped me with the snowblower. I'm just learning how to use one and its a 10 (something or other, it's a big one.) Turns out I burned out the electric started and I have trouble getting anything started with a pull started. I have a whole system I have to do to start my lawn mower in the summer. I need two hands to pull that starter, so forget hanging onto the handle. Anyway, the first time with the snowblower I did a few passes, was getting the hang of it, then I sucked in an old fashioned heavy-duty, entry type scraper rug. It got stuck in the blade. Luckily my brother was coming to pull the electric starter off, to see if could be replaced, because I had broken the pins (which are supposed to break rather than bending something or burning out something else). We spent 45 minutes going through all the coffee cans of nuts, screws, and washers my husband had. There were about 8 of them, trying to find 2 bolts and nuts that would work.

We had 1' of snow a week before and I spent 2 hours shoveling that. I don't ever want to do that again.

There are other things that are starting to give around the house and I'm just at a loss. He also knew how to talk to contractors. I had some work done on my chimney and around it and had mentioned that it looked like it was leaking nearby, in the attic. Well when I was up there finding boxes for christmas gifts I noticed there's still a damp spot. No roofer will come out in the winter, and then almost all of them only come Monday - Friday, so I have to take time off work to let them in. I don't know how the rest of you feel, but I don't want people working in my house when no one else is home.

KFC was rebuilding their restaurant about 200' away from my house. They expanded it and took out 2 houses along the main road. (They are on a corner my small side street). They just opened up and their parking lot lights are so bright, it's like daylight in my backyard. I'm glad Randy wasn't hear to see this. All of our yards are long (200 + feet) and narrow (my lot is 40' wide), with no fences for 4 houses in a row. It was a little private yard back there, now it's like a parking lot (without the cars).

But I digress, my next project is to replace the tub spout. The diverter is giving out again. He replaced it the last time. The wiring for my stereo speakers has gotten messed up too. He wired up 4 sets of speakers in my house. Now I have 1 working. I don't have stereo anymore, it's mono. Then there's issues with the computer, some of which I've straightened out, I need 2 rugs replaced due to pet damage, one side of my deck is sinking, etc., etc., etc. Thanks for letting me whine. We all need some whine time. Too bad I don't drink wine, that might help too.

I'm also finding that enough time has passed where I'm starting to feel just lonely. My furkids help, but I can't have a two-sided conversation with them.

[Kat2005]

Kath,

What is the bat story?

Kat

[marsha]

Kath - I'm freaking out already, and you haven't even told it yet!

[furkid]

Bats are great if you live in an area with mosquitos. I could used about 10 more of them around my house in the summer.

[LindaKoz]

Oh, Kat, I understand. Last Friday when we had some snow I went out to clean off my car (Brian would have done it). I started getting a panic attack and ended up calling in sick. There are so many things that Brian used to do which I guess in hindsight I just took for granted. He knew things that I just don't know. And he was big and strong. Right now the light bulb on the pole light out front is burned out. I guess I'll get around to replacing it one day but I'm not sure how to take the covering off. The garbage disposal is broken. My son is home from college so he's been taking out the trash but when he goes back I'll cry every trash night because that was never my chore. This new life is so much harder than my old life and I feel so unmotivated. I hope I'll feel better once winter is over and there is sunshine.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[kath]

Okay, here goes...The bat story...one of my totally worst nights ever...

My son was gone so my daughter and I stayed up late watching a movie. It was 11:00 and nearly over. We were both ready to go to bed when this "thing" circled a few times over our head. I screamed, "What is it?" and covered up with my arms. She screamed, "It's a bat!" and covered up with her blanket. Then we both screamed for a good 10 minutes and this flying rodent kept circling. By now I was on the floor (if you've been through a tornado drill, you know the position.) Well, it disappeared so I figured we broke its little rodent ear drums. We were in the basement so I shut the doors and looked around. I couldn't find it. We were both freaking out and I told her to stay downstairs and I'd go up. I had to get this thing out of the house and I really did not want anything to do with it. As I opened the door a crack to turn on the light, my daughter, who was now attached to my back, screamed and I slammed the door and dropped to the ground again. (By now I had a blanket and was under it.) She was crying hysterically for me to not leave her and there was no way she was going upstairs. Finally, I gathered up the courage to go up and saw it flying in circles around the living room/kitchen/dining room. The dog was in her kennel calmly watching this whole thing. I tried to throw the blanket on it as it would swoop by me and kept missing. I was screaming and crying. Then I lost sight of it. When I found it on the wall I thought I could catch it, but missed. It flew around some more and I was having a hard time so I thought the dog could help and I let her out of the kennel. Bad idea. She (a large Lassie-type collie) started chasing it over the chairs, the couch, tables and more chairs, while I freaked out thinking she'd get rabies if she did catch it. I lost sight of it again. I looked in all the bedrooms and shut the doors. Then I noticed the dog staring at the kitchen valance, so I shook it and the stupid thing crawled down the window. I still couldn't get it...I was too afraid to get close. I could hear my daughter sobbing in the basement and the chase with the bat, the dog and my blanket started again. When I lost sight of it yet once again, I shook the valance and this thing crawled slowly down the window. I must have stunned it. As I could feel my heart settle in my throat and my skin crawl and hide behind my body, I pushed the blanket over it and heard its little "eek, eek" sound. I called for C to get me gloves and a bag because I knew I'd have to touch it to be sure it was caught. I got the gloves and screaming all the while, held its little bat appendage as I ran out to the deck and tossed it and the blanket over the edge. We were up for hours crying and (me) washing my hands. I really cannot understand how the whole neighborhood could not hear us. WE WERE LOUD. IT WAS HORRIBLE. I NEEDED BOB and he wasn't here to help.

The next day, the neighbor who heard the story from her daughter as told by my daughter wanted to know why I left my daughter alone to fend for herself while I crawled away and locked myself in my bedroom! To me, I faced my most extreme fear and made it through. So, now if it ever happens again, I'm moving out and letting the bat have the house. THE END

[Kat2005]

Kath,

That story in unbelievable. I don't know what I would have done in that situation. I probably would have left ...... I'm not good with rodents. Hopefully, that will never happen again. Do you know how it got in your house in the first place?

Take care,

Kat

[Sharon3]

I never thought in a million years I would be saying this but Condo living is fabulous. I sold my house and moved out 6 months after my husband passed away. I have met some new friends...it's like a community unto itself and I don't need to fix anything. The one I bought is brand new, open concept, lots of square feet, gym, pool..............I would have totally freaked over the bat or any rodent.

[kath]

I think the bat flew in one night when I was trying to get the dog to come in. I stood there with the door open, thought it was my imagination that something flew by (lack of sleep will do that.) And it may have even been in the house for a day or two before making its appearance. What also stunk was my friend who asked if I killed it, which I didn't. She says they'll find their way back in if you don't. I can't imagine having any more contact than what I had to.

[Sharon3]

Your friend should have kept her mouth shut...the thought of it coming back in I think is remote..don't let that spook you

[kath]

Sharon,

Looking back, I see this as teaching me more about what I am capable of than anything else. And, it has since become a badge of courage somewhat for my daughter and I. It was, don't get me wrong, totally and utterly horrific for me. But then, so was watching helplessly as my husband died, or cleaning up blood for months before, or the worst, having to decide to take him off ventilation and then telling our children their dad is gone. We do what we have to do when we have to do it. Sometimes, and this is more often than not for me, it means doing it alone, without advice or assistance from anyone else. It isn't something I would have chosen for my life, but I can't not handle things as they come at me. It also doesn't mean that it isn't okay to cry, scream and hate every second of it. We are all survivors. We don't have to like it. We do have to carry on and in some ways the tears help soften the blow.

Take care all of you. I see your strength and courage every single day. You are amazing and inspiring and marvelous. No wonder you had these amazing loves in your lives.

Kath

[furkid]

Wow, that was some story! Congratulations on your success. Bats are really hard to catch. I'm not bothered as much by rodents. Plus having 3 cats and 4 ferrets in the house, no self-respecting rodent would come near.

Spiders on the other hand . . . . . . . I would have had the same reaction if it were related to spiders. My sister once said that everyone has something that gives them the heebeegeebees. for me it's spiders. For my sister, it was snakes, of course she lives in Texas, so most of their snakes are probably poisonous. For you Kat, it's bats and rodents. If it had been a regular rodent, your dog could have probably taken care of it for you, but with a flying one . . . . I can almost picture the pandemonium going on.

[Babs11]

Kath,

Thank you for the response to Kat2005's: I Need a Handy Man...

..I am sorry that you had to make the decision to take your Husband off of Ventilation..What a very difficult decision to have to make...Your "Sheriff" (Your Husband) has been the one to award your Daughter and you the Badge of Courage and Honor..and He will Continue to make sure you Both wear it even one your hardiest days..You have a Great Man.!..

..Thank you for acknowledging our strengths and courage also...

..I read it on Every entry....We are trying so Hard..and We want to Inspire...to Vent...to ask for Help...and just to say, "Does anyone understand what I am Saying or how I Feel"? This is the Trickiest Role I've Ever Played..All of Us.

..Thank you for KNOWING We Have These Amazing Loves In Our Lives and They Also Saw Our Integrity...

We Our Survivors and Our Husbands and Wives are Too...And We Will Continue To Work Together to Honor Our Badges...

ps..Need My Handy Man too..Should have put Plastic up on Windows over Two Months Ago..Just got the Heating Bill (yuh)!

Thank you,

Love and Peace.

Babs

[Kat2005]

I guess I did something right "No Broken Pipes".

[furkid]

Good on ya!

[Susie Q]

Hi All

This topic is so important and timely. My husband certainly was my handyman (in fact everyone's handyman in our family/friends circle/neighbourhood). I've done nothing mechanical, technical, maintenance or building related that required physical skill for the whole 32 years of our marriage. I was more the colour consultant, the interior decorator, the shopper, the garden waterer and the inspector of what need to be fixed etc. It worked so well. He took great pleasure in building and fixing and nothing was ever a bother.

So since August I've repaired, planted, replaced,fixed,hired tradesmen,supervised work and generally stepped up wherever possible. Other people have also helped with either advice or practical asistance when the task was beyond me. I'm lucky to live in a beautiful new home that he built mostly with his own hands so the things left to do and any repair woes are small, compared to what others here are dealing with. It's also summer here so my tasks are easier, I'm sure.

Even so, I am taking great pride in tackling these new things alone, and keeping our home in the state he felt important. It's really another way that I try to pay tribute to him. And I know he would be sure I can do it, but I still want my handyman back!

I really admire you all for having the will and determination to go on so boldly,in the face of such incredible personal losses - it's so much harder than other people know. This site gives me strength and encouragement because I don't feel so alone in my struggle. Your posts about the deeply personal nature of your loss and your words about coping with even the mundane effects have a profound and positive influence on me. Thank you.

[kath]

When Bob and I got our first home, he was always so busy bustling around taking care of this and that while I did the day to day cleaning and straightening. We used to joke that we should write a book of jobs, just in case one of us wouldn't be around for awhile. He started writing things on the calendar...when to change the oil or add salt to the softener. When to use what fertilizer on the grass, etc. How I wish I had that book to guide me. It seems like a million years ago that we laughed about it. When he was in the hospital his last week, all he was concerned with was telling me how to run the sprinklers. It seemed ridiculous to me because I expected him to come home and that was his "job." But he insisted that I write down all the details. It's all I had to go on and after the first year I had it pretty well figured out. Now, the sprinkler heads are popping and breaking and it took two years to figure out the snowblower. I learn something every day. So, tell me, how do you caulk a window? Mine are thick with frost, so I'm thinking that can't be good. It would be one of those things he'd take care of. It seems I just have to keep opening the checkbook, because I sure don't seem to know much about keeping a home!

Like Marsha, I found many tubes of caulk. Do they still work if they've froze?

Kath

[Korina]

My husband was a woodworker and general handyman. So many time I've wondered if he would have had a better idea on how to do something that I'm totally lost on. I don't have kids, but I have absolutely no motivation to cook, clean, or do anything I should be doing.

It's been awhile since I've been here but I've been thinking about all of us, especially the females like me, who have been thrown into snow removal. My brother, who is working 2 jobs, recently helped me with the snowblower. I'm just learning how to use one and its a 10 (something or other, it's a big one.) Turns out I burned out the electric started and I have trouble getting anything started with a pull started. I have a whole system I have to do to start my lawn mower in the summer. I need two hands to pull that starter, so forget hanging onto the handle. Anyway, the first time with the snowblower I did a few passes, was getting the hang of it, then I sucked in an old fashioned heavy-duty, entry type scraper rug. It got stuck in the blade. Luckily my brother was coming to pull the electric starter off, to see if could be replaced, because I had broken the pins (which are supposed to break rather than bending something or burning out something else). We spent 45 minutes going through all the coffee cans of nuts, screws, and washers my husband had. There were about 8 of them, trying to find 2 bolts and nuts that would work.

We had 1' of snow a week before and I spent 2 hours shoveling that. I don't ever want to do that again.

There are other things that are starting to give around the house and I'm just at a loss. He also knew how to talk to contractors. I had some work done on my chimney and around it and had mentioned that it looked like it was leaking nearby, in the attic. Well when I was up there finding boxes for christmas gifts I noticed there's still a damp spot. No roofer will come out in the winter, and then almost all of them only come Monday - Friday, so I have to take time off work to let them in. I don't know how the rest of you feel, but I don't want people working in my house when no one else is home.

KFC was rebuilding their restaurant about 200' away from my house. They expanded it and took out 2 houses along the main road. (They are on a corner my small side street). They just opened up and their parking lot lights are so bright, it's like daylight in my backyard. I'm glad Randy wasn't hear to see this. All of our yards are long (200 + feet) and narrow (my lot is 40' wide), with no fences for 4 houses in a row. It was a little private yard back there, now it's like a parking lot (without the cars).

But I digress, my next project is to replace the tub spout. The diverter is giving out again. He replaced it the last time. The wiring for my stereo speakers has gotten messed up too. He wired up 4 sets of speakers in my house. Now I have 1 working. I don't have stereo anymore, it's mono. Then there's issues with the computer, some of which I've straightened out, I need 2 rugs replaced due to pet damage, one side of my deck is sinking, etc., etc., etc. Thanks for letting me whine. We all need some whine time. Too bad I don't drink wine, that might help too.

I'm also finding that enough time has passed where I'm starting to feel just lonely. My furkids help, but I can't have a two-sided conversation with them.

On the subject of those awful lights, KFC should have been able to install lights that don't cause such awful light pollution, but rather focus on the parking lot. You and your neighbors might talk to your municipality about that. It may not be something you are up to tackling, but just in case.

Hang in there,

Korina

[Korina]

I gotta say that what I really really really miss about Scott is our conversations. He was so sharp and intelligent - I will never have conversations like that, again. In politics, we were a team. He was the planner and organizer, I did the politicking (sp?). Sigh. I really loved it, and I believe he would want me to continue if the opportunity presents, but I don't know how I can without his acumen and support. I don't think I could ever trust anyone like that again, and you need someone to organize.

And this last while, with tax season upon us, I have been going through his business stuff. Excrutiating. Looking at his handwriting, all of the different memories I associate with certain dates. I cannot be finished with this soon enough!

On the bright side, daycare made my day today, sending some photos of Kailyn and the other kids from this morning - absolutely adorable. Scott would have been soooo proud of her. No doubt he is proud of her.

Korina