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What Do You Do?


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I have found that I am becoming extremely worried that my expression of normal grief ( I guess it's normal) is starting to make people around me uncomfortable and that they are tired of hearing about it. I can't act like life is okay even when I hear 'it will get better".I'm sure it will but even with the greatest friends and family and my total love for them I'm still moving in this fog. I limit my contact with them because I seem to feel better that I'm not burdening them with my sadness. I hate the solitude but I don't want to hurt them and bring them down and consequently be hurt myself from someone eventually saying "sigh...again with the sadness, what you need to do is...".

Do any of you feel this way?

What do I do?

What do you do?

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John, I so understand how frustrating this can be. For me, early in my grief, it was the one thing that actually drove me nuts. I could not understand in the beginning how those around me could expect anything from me but my grief. I was very vocal because I felt he had been murdered, robbed of his life, due to medical error and I wasn't about to shut up. It did cause a strain in relationships with family and friends and still does at times. I would get so irritated when I was told "they can't understand because they haven't had this experience of losing a spouse". I felt they didn't have to have the experience they should know how devastated I was. The one thing I would tell you is lean heavily on this site and these people who "do" understand and want to listen and share. They are hurting just like you and are running into the same problems. I think its a normal reaction to distance yourself somewhat, I did that too. I had to, to save my sanity. With time some of this improved but I don't share the same closeness with many of those people anymore. I didn't want that to happen but it did. Talk to us, so that you have a place to feel your grief and not worry about others reactions. I hope this helps some. Deborah

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Dear John

When your life faces a crisis like this it's only natural that your inner strength is low or gone completely for some time. That makes all of us very vulnerable to other people's comments and assesments of how we should be 'coping' at any given point. I find that coping as a concept is greatly overrated and not having my husband here with me to put important things into persepctive is one of the greatest losses that I feel.

I quickly found out that people react to me in a range of ways. Most people were well meaning but a few of them feel the need to give advice that is totally foreign to me - the stop moping around/he would want you to be strong/you can't hide away forever type of messages.

All they do is make me feel a failure and cause me extra stress and burden that I don't need. Unfortunately their voices also seem to wipe out and overshadow all the wonderful support I get from many, many others.

With the help of a counsellor, I have stood back and assessed what I feel I have lost without my husband here with us.

The list is full of huge things that affect the core of who I am as an individual, and who we had become as a couple, as family members and as community members.

The counsellor led me to a point where I understand that any functioning person would naturally be traumatised by such losses and also that it is reasonable that it will take me a lot of time to get over this and readjust my life back to some balanced place, where I feel even a little bit happy. What she has really helped me do is to regain some trust and confidence in my own assesment of how I am going, and take less notice of everyone else's reactions to me. She also talked to me about some possible strategies for handling others.

As i become more in control of my outward emotional state I have started to open up only to those people whose opinions I value and whose reactions I can trust to make me feel better. I avoid where possible the other type of people, but not wanting to sever important relationships, I smile and accept the silly advice where I have to, shrugging them off and knowing they haven't got a clue.

For me, it's less traumatic and personally damaging to modify my behaviour than to try and change theirs or to cause a family/friendship breakup. This course of action has given me some peace. I know we shouldn't have to do this, and it's hard, but it's not a perfect world out there. It is working for me.

Seek out the few who have only your best interests at heart and stay close to them. They will be the ones who understand 'the fog' you are in and feel comfortable letting you stay there for as long or whenever you need to. And come to people on this site - they do understand. Good luck...Susie Q

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Hi John,

I am very new to this site and really do not feel qualified to offer advice. I do however understand. I lost my Ron to lung cancer 5 months ago. People seem to be moving on with their lives and expecting me to do the same. I can't even think about that, let alone doing it. I know they mean well but just do not understand as they have not experienced what we have. I am intolerant of others giving me their opinions and also avoid those that think they know how I should feel. I do find great comfort in communicating through these posts, we are all in this together and truly do understand. I will keep you in my prayers, please keep posting so we know how you are doing.

Brenda

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My counsellor has helped me tremendously see the progress I have made, she has made suggesions as to handle certain people I cannot avoid and she has told me that my intuition as to who I trust my feelings with is good. You need to trust the person you are sharing your feelings with. I watched Oprah today and there was a segment on grief. There was one statement that held with me....you have to heal from the soul out....not from the outside into the soul..........so we do bear our soul when we are grieving and it is the right thing to do....I worried at first as you do how my expression of grief would sadden other people. My counsellor actually told me that it is a good thing to do because it allows others to be vulnerable as well. If we pretend then how do they express their grief. If we show our vulnerability, it allows them to show theirs, which they need to do as well. ( I am referring obviously to family and close friends who are also grieving the loss of our spouse). It has freed me. Of course there are still those insensitive people out there but they have to go their way and I have to go mine.

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John - - I am so sorry for what you are going through, but I totally understand how hard it is to deal with people who expect us to "get on with our lives." On the year anniversary of the death of my husband, Stephen, it seemed like that was the time limit that many people gave me for grieving. One of my friends even felt compelled to tell me that once it was once customary for widows to wear black for a year after the death of their spouse. After the year was up, they stopped wearing black. I guess they were supposed to be free to start living again after a year. When I responded that my friend did not have a clue, she was insulted. I plan to take Susie Q's advice and just try to ignore remarks like that from people I care about. I do try to avoid people who try to give me advice, even though I know most are well-meaning.

Susie Q - - Thank you for your post. Everything you wrote is just good common sense. I guess I just needed to hear it from someone who does understand.

Kathy

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I only have one person in my 'real' life that is still understanding and there for me and my meltdowns. Everyone else is over it and cringe when I even mention his name. It is as though he never existed. Makes me nuts. I found another forum that includes a chat room and most nights several of us are there to share, support, laugh, act silly occasionally and just knowing there are other people out there helps me. I can say anything and noone is uncomfortable and in many cases, someone has a suggestion or something nice to say that can really help me deal with things. Last night I cleaned my house while chatting. Yeah, boring Saturday night but it was nice chatting a bit, doing a thing or two, going back and seeing what the chat was about and it felt like I had company without the company, ya know? Pm me if you'd like the info on the chat and I'm sending you out a million hugs and support today. It's a beautiful day in the Valley. Think I'll get out and breathe and take a walk.

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Great advice from Suzie. I found when Scott first died that I HAD to talk to people, whether they liked it or not. We had in general, kept our problems to ourselves, but I knew that I needed help. And talk and cry I did. And just about everyone was there for me. I have also seen a counsellor. And now 7 months into it, I don't talk as much about it, but there are those with whom I can share anytime I need to. Poeple loved Scott, and the support I now enjoy is a testament to him.

Korina

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John

This site was a tremendous help to me because I knew the people here could relate to loss and all the feelings that go with it. My friends were great really, but I started feeling bad after many months, that I was bringing them down. I didn't want to feel a responsbility to "be up" with them. My grown children were another matter, as I felt such longing for my husband, their dad, that I could not talk about anything else, but sadness. Finally I realized that I was hurting them even more than they already hurt losing a father they loved...they couldn't stand to see me so sad all the time. I did try to reign myself in a bit with them. I think when we love someone and see them hurting, we just want to help, to fix things. With death there is no fix. Each one of us goes through it in different ways, at different pace, expressing ourselves differently. We all have to find our way.

Suzie has it right in that we cannot change others, but we can ourselves. A good, good friend of mine told me that a fellow she knew had lost his wife 6 months ago to cancer and he was so down. She casually said to me, "he should snap out of it"! I had to shake my head. She was a friend that was always right there for me through my deepest grief. It made me think that she believes I have become stronger, less grief stricken, and yes, that has happened. Good thing she was gentler with me. Snap Out Of It....how weird is that! How insensitive. Spoken by someone who never lost a deep love.

My love died over 14 months ago and I love it when our friends talk about Tom. Bring him up in converstion, like he is right there with us. For me he is. I haven't been able to find the space between his life and his death and the distance that perhaps I should by now feel. He was/is one of the better parts of who I am. or so I see it. Certainly the fun part.

Believe in what you feel and just feel it. There is no way to really walk around it. Love your friends. Love yourself. Go at your own pace. To each, his/her own.

All the best,

Valley

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And yet...I/we (can't just say I yet) own a deli, and I've seen my regulars for years. I don't know what it is - I don't wear my heart on my sleeve at work, but, after Joe died, I remember an instance where the manager of the store next to me said, out of the blue, I lost my daughter when she was seven. Or another customer, saying, I lost my wife when I was very young - I couldn't even talk to anyone for 2 years. There were others. People whose grief was buried, somewhat, only to be brought up again by mine, and wanted to share it with me. It humbled me, and I was grateful. The DGI's I steer clear of - but the human angels, and there are many, even strangers - I thank G-d for them.

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friends,

I was moved by Marsha's post here, about people stepping forward to share with you their own grief. That has happened to me to. And it is so touching and so real.

A few weeks after Tom died, I came in the house and had a message on my answering machine. From a mechanic at Midas, where we had taken our cars to be worked on. I didn't know Steve well at all, but could put a face to his name. He said, he read about my Tom dying in the paper. He was so sad and wanted me to know that I should not worry, he would always be happy to help me keep my car running. I was so surprised by this message.

A few months later I had to go to Midas. Steve was working that day and he walked out to my car with me. He told me that his wife had died young and left him with their two young boys who he has raised. He is a younger man and wanted to tell me his story. He wanted to tell me that he knows my pain and how sorry he was. How he liked my husband. Even remembering this tonight brings me to tears. So many of us walk around with grief that is not known by others. but we do feel the pain of others when we hear of their loss. Steve took it upon himself to personally call me at home to say his kind words. To someone he only knew in the smallest way. This is kindness. As are all of you.

Thank you,

Valley

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I only have one person in my 'real' life that is still understanding and there for me and my meltdowns. Everyone else is over it and cringe when I even mention his name. It is as though he never existed. Makes me nuts. I found another forum that includes a chat room and most nights several of us are there to share, support, laugh, act silly occasionally and just knowing there are other people out there helps me. I can say anything and noone is uncomfortable and in many cases, someone has a suggestion or something nice to say that can really help me deal with things. Last night I cleaned my house while chatting. Yeah, boring Saturday night but it was nice chatting a bit, doing a thing or two, going back and seeing what the chat was about and it felt like I had company without the company, ya know? Pm me if you'd like the info on the chat and I'm sending you out a million hugs and support today. It's a beautiful day in the Valley. Think I'll get out and breathe and take a walk.

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Today is 10 months since Tom died and I have been surprised; not so much that others move on and forget about his death, but surprised by the people I thought would be "with" me through this process who have fallen completely out of my life. Death is such a difficult experience for we who have suffered the loss of loved ones and that gets compounded by the isolation. I read a post under another topic where the discussion was all about going back home and I fully understand how home is a safehaven filled with memories, triggers AND protection from the aloneness that goes along with this grief thing. Peace to all.

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Ohh, been there! Try to compromise...

No it's not healthy to be alone all the time so force yourself to get out a bit and around people.

But then again it feels like quite an effort sometimes to be around people and endure the well meaning comments, so allow yourself some time home alone. Don't feel like you must answer everything they say. Don't feel the need to always correct their ill-put comments. And do come here and vent whenever you want...here you have others that go through it and have been there...and understand.

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