Cant Let Go

[bell]

I have just found this sight a few days ago.It helped so much just to read other people's post.I think it's time to write my own.My Father died 5 weeks ago.He died at 49 of a heart attack,working in the snow.I was very close to him my whole life.I spoke to him 3 times the day he died.Little did I know that hours later I would be giving the hospital a positive i.d. to his body.I have trouble getting that night out of my head.My dad was the funniest and carefree person I have ever known,and I know I will never be the same.Everyone from old friends even down to my own mother has been insensitive and somewhat rude.People think I should be ok by now.I feel like no one around me understands how much it hurts.I can't imagine such a positive part of my life gone forever.I cry all the time everyday.I feel like there is no answer because he wont be coming back.I know my dad thought I was the most gorgeous girl,he was so proud of me,he bragged about me to everyone who he talked to.It's hard to know the person that loved me the most is gone,and so is that love.I don't know how to act,I don't know how to treat people.I'm so angry that the world is going on like he wasn't that important.Even my brother who I know loved my dad deeply seems to be fine.I'm far from fine,and I'm starting to think I have a problem.I don't want to go to work anymore because the people seems to think I need to get over it,and a few have said that.I miss him so much I can't believe I will never here him speak again.

[Sally]

Bell: What a beautiful name! I am so sorry that you lost your father. Personally, I don't think 5 weeks is very long. I lost my father in 1993 and my mother in 2003. It took me a long time to get over it! You may think that others around you are over it, but people grieve in different ways. I think it is better that you are out in the open with your grief. I can tell you that you will recover. It will take time, but you can know a couple of things for sure that might help you. Your father still loves you because love never, ever dies! And you will be a stronger, even better person as you work through your pain. Finally, I don't think you have to "let go" after just 5 weeks! Give yourself some time, and find someone you trust to talk to about your pain. You may need to get some outside help because it might be too painful for your family members to deal with your grief on top of their own right now. Take good care of yourself and just keep being the beautiful person your Dad believed in. God bless!

Sally

[DebFromLodi]

It has been 2 years since my mom died and I am certainly not over it. I talk to her every day and every night and tell her how much i love and miss her. She was and is the most important person in my life. No one has ever told me i should be over it, thank God. I am so sorry people are treating you like that. Heal in your own time and the hell with them. Tell them I said so. What goes around comes around and they will get theirs someday, unfortunately for them.

[MartyT]

Dear Bell,

My own father died too soon many years ago, and I will never "let go" of him, either. He lives forever in my mind, in my heart, and in the way I live my life.

The feeling that the world goes on as if nothing happened, when your own world has been shattered, is one we've all experienced when we've lost someone dearly loved.

I think that feeling is captured beautifully in a poem by W.H. Auden entitled Funeral Blues.

The poem became famous after it was read by actor John Hannah, playing Matthew, in a scene in the film, Four Weddings and a Funeral. You can watch Hannah's delivery of the poem on YouTube here: http://www.youtube.c...h?v=b_a-eXIoyYA

This is the poem:

Funeral Blues

by WH Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,

Silence the pianos and with muffled drum

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead

Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.

Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,

Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,

My working week and my Sunday rest,

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;

I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;

For nothing now can ever come to any good.

[bell]

I want to thank each one of you for your support and comforting words.The fact that people you don't know are willing to listen to your story and care enough to share with you is a great feeling.I know now that I could never let him go.All I can do is try to live with his memories.They just hurt so bad right now.[the memories]They make me think of all that I have lost.And I'm gonna start trying to distance myself from the people that are making me feel wrong for having so much grief.Thank you again for sharing with me.

[bell]

And to Marty...that poem was perfect.I had never heard it,but now it's in the journal I keep.Thank you for the poem as well.

[JamesI]

Dear Bell:

5 weeks is such a short time for you or anyone to be "over it". Just know, that your feelings are normal. You are entitled to be sad. You need to grieve and mourn for your loss. If you need to cry, then cry. Crying is what heals us. It will get better. Just take it one day at a time.

I am so sorry for the loss of your father. My father died 10 years ago and my mother died about 11 months ago on March 20th. My mother was 87, but, age makes no difference. Although she had some health issues, she was doing fine for her age. It was unexpected and I don't think we can ever be ready to lose our loved ones. I loved my mother very much and I still miss her very much.

I found this website early on and it really did help me and continues to help. I also found a grief counselor who I saw for about 9 months and I attended a bereavement support group at a local church for 8 weeks. I still attend another bereavement group that meets every Monday evening from 6-7 PM. All these things have helped me get through this journey. Its not easy, but, we need to go through it.

I have an older brother that is grieving his way and I cannot really get much support from him. He has the attitude that life goes on and I can understand that, but, I need to grieve and mourn for my loss. I was close to my mother and I was also her caregiver. When you have a close relationship with a loved one, it makes it more difficult to get through it. I remember a saying from the bereavement group, that, grief is like a snow storm, you cannot go around it, you need to go through it.

Family members and also friends are not necessarily able to give us the support we may need. They may not be able to deal with it or they just don't know what to say. That's why it is important to find someone that does get it and is able to give you the support and comfort you need.

Try to see a grief counselor and after a few months, you may consider attending a bereavement group. It all helps.

Keep coming to this website and read the topics and posts. Sometimes just reading the posts are a help too.

I read a book titled Life after Loss by Bob Deits, M. Th. You may be able to get it from your local library or bookstore or it can be ordered online at lifeafterlossonline.com

This book helped me alot.

Be well,

take care,

James

Edited February 12, 2010 by MartyT
Links inserted

[bell]

James,you are so right about everything.My brother has the same attitude and even though I understand,I don't understand.You see,when my grief wants out there is no stopping it.I'm a waitress and I can be taking a order,and out of nowhere,tears will fall out of my eye's.That's emotion I never knew.And I have known lots of people that died.I have loved people that have passed,but have never felt this pain.Thank you for taking the time to respond...I will take your advice.And guess what?My dad's name was James!

[MissingMyDaddy]

I don't think anyone EVER gets over losing someone. Especially a daughter losing a father. its almost a sacred bond. I guess its something us daughters only understand. That being said, I was a Daddy's girl through and through. Its been a year and Im not the same nor will I ever be the same. A piece of me is gone and I know a piece of you is gone also. Do not feel bad for missing him and for crying. Those that dont understand it , probably never will. Don't beat yourself up over it. Just know your Dad is looking down on you and probably very proud of your strength. Its a tough thing to go through alone, so if you want you can email anytime

[beautifulmistakes]

Bell, I posted this on another part of this site, but it almost gives you permission, which for some reason, we feel we need, to grieve as long and as hard as you need.

My Granny and Mother,my 2 biggest supporters, died within 2 1/2 months of each other a year and a half ago and I still cry myself to sleep. I will probably continue to do so as I have no females in my family left to turn to, so I cry. Don't let others tell you how to feel.....hopefully this helps a little and chin up.

Mourner's Bill of Rights

[bflyrn]

I understand how you feel. My dad passed about 4 1/2 weeks ago. I feel like everyone should stop their lives because my father is gone. Don't they understand the impact this has on the world? The first and one of the most important men in my life is gone forever and people think I should be getting over it. I feel sometimes like I can't bring his name up because people think I should move on. Everyone in my family seems to be doing so much better and I still struggle to get out of bed each day. I feel like if I don't feel this pain then it's like he didn't matter. Don't think that love is gone, you have it. Just as I have my dad's love. Take your time. No one can understand how hard this is. Ask those people how they would feel if they lost someone important if they could just get over it. I'll tell you the first thing I was told when I went back to work: It's hard. Do what you have to. Take care of yourself.

[SandraH]

Bell, I am very sorry for your loss and I know exactly what you re going through! I lost my Mom on Jan.23, 2010 and I know what you mean when you say the one person that loved you unconditonally, the one who would give thier life for you, the one that was always there is no longer there. Well he is actually there. He is with you everday and everywhere you go. He is on your memories, your heart, and you probably have pictures of him around your home. He is with you in spirit. The only thing that is missing is his shell (body) that he occupied while he was alive. Without a body you cant see a person. This is where its hard for us. He could be standing beside you consouling you and you dont see him. The body that you hugged and kissed is gone, but the heart, spirit and the inside of that person is still with you! Never listen to anyone who tells you that you should be over him by now. Tell them to mind their own and go about their day as you go about yours. I still cry about Mom and memories make me cry too because I know that I cant make more memories. I know how you feel. Drop the negative people in your life and keep the good ones! God Bless you and keep going hour by hour, day by day! You will get there when you are ready!

[niamh]

hi Bell,

Reading your post I think I might aswell have written it myself....everything you have written is straight from my life these days.

I am sorry for your loss, you know yourself there are no words of comfort I can give you.

My Dad passed just before Christmas, it will be 12 weeks this thursday and yet while it feels like only yesterday at the same time it feels like a lifetime since I spoke to him.It's so hard to comprehend that he is gone and not coming back, that I can't go to him for advice or just to rant and rave about life's issues.I have no brothers or sisters, was always just me and Mom & Dad.He was my best friend in the world,I miss his love, encouragement,hugs,guidance. I cry at the slighest thing now. Tears well up so often.I wonder how I am supposed to carry on my life without my Dad,it was never supposed to be like this.I just exist now, the happy funloving person I used to be left that day with Dad.I don't want to be different but I am. Just sad all the time, wishing life was over for me, missing my Dad every waking second of every day.

I wish I knew for sure my Dad was still around me, still loving me, still proud of me but I don't feel it. I feel so stunned still sometimes trying to grasp what's happened.

I can't think back on the happy times, it's too much, too painful. I can't pray ....i'm not even angry with "God" most of the time coz I can't even acknowledge him. It's not just my Dad I long for, it's all the thousands of moments to come in the future that he won't be here for.

I've never known real loneliness until now :-(

I just wish he'd visit me somehow someway....

[loulou]

I have actually wrote on your post,I cant remeber my log in name,so now instead of Bell Im lou lou...Thats what my dad called me,Loulou Bell.We are in the very same boat,the 2 of us.I don't know how many girls were "bestfriends" with there fathers,but I feel lucky for such a great dad,but it makes it hurt so much more cause I know It's over.Me and him would chat for hours on the phone everyday,and now I feel so alone.I wonder if its normal to start picking people apart and seeing the negative in the people closest to me.I too want to KNOW that he is around.I look for every sign I can.[even reaching]but in all honesty I don't feel him at all.I even bought exspensive tickets to go see a famous medium this summer.The only thing that helps is believing he is happy and still around.When you say you feel stunned,I think Im entering that phase.My emotions are hard to grasp,I feel numb...and then boom,I'm sobbing for hours.I don't know about your family,but in mine I feel like I'm the only one having a hard time.I dont know why,he was amazing,a truly beautiful person.He deserved so much more....thank you for sharing with me.Daddys girls forever!

[niamh]

oh it's you loulou :-).

yep I loved my chats with Dad.He was just so wise and always right,never put me wrong once, never let me down ...until now and wow what a let down.Yep I look everywhere for signs,people talk about the wind blowing, birds flying and all that...nah that's not my Dad...i need something so much more real,something I absolutely cannot doubt.Did you get anything from the medium?I've been to a couple (before this happened) looking for something from my beloved aunt who died 4 yrs ago but got nothing at all from them. I figure if Dad is around I won't need to pay someone to find out.A friend of my family's who is a nun told me I will definitely feel him someday.She said it may be a long time, the grief is too much now, it's way too soon and too raw yet but she promised that day will come.I think what scares me is to think the bond between us is now gone...but then I think it can't be, he has to be around, there has to be something after death, he couldn't be given to me for 35 yrs and taken away forever.

I know that numb feeling too,it's been a week/10days or so since I've had it. The stunned feeling is a little different, I do know what's happened and I'm so sad all the time but yep same as you when I fully grasp it ...BANG I am a mess. With the numbness I could call to friends, pick up the phone for a chat....now I can't do that anymore. I get little panic attacks where I'm just hyper-ventilating not wanting this to be real.I write to him all the time actually. I'm waiting on a nice journal so for now I am just using notes in my phone. (check out "Courtney Davis" journals online,they are beautiful).I'm not sure if it helps but I just write and write to Dad and I'm like a broken record a lot of the time....like you these emotions are so new to me. But I hate the one way conversations, it's all me doing the talking and nothing back from Dad.Sometimes I have this anger inside me I find so hard to describe.....I guess it's like an internal rage, I want to burst from it, I don't last out at anyone or anything and it comes out in sobs eventually.

My family is really small actually and everyone else seems grand now. I'm sure they are sad in their own way but their life goes on you know, I'm sure they don't think and long for him all the time like Mom and me (I'm an only child).

Have you read any books on grief yet ?

Daddy's girls forever...ain't that the truth!!