Should I Be Alone Now?

[ARiddle729]

It has been just under 2 weeks since my husband passed away. I don't want to make any hasty decisions, but I do need to start finding my new "normal".

My son, his wife and 2 young daughters are living with me right now and while I love having my family around, I wonder if I should have them stay here or ask them to go now. They are building a house next door to me and have another place available to stay while they are building, but they moved in here to help me when my husband came home on hospice February 2.

I am lucky to have kids that care enough to stay here with me, but with a 3 year old and a 1 year old, the house is constantly noisy and cluttered. They have control of the living room and the big screen TV, so if I need quiet time, I have to lock myself in my bedroom with my little TV and computer. They help with a few things, but I do the majority of the cleaning and cooking.

On the plus side, they can help me out with groceries and utilities. This will be a big help because my husband's illness has ruined us financially. We traveled 500 miles from home the past year to seek treatment for him. The travel was a huge expense on top of medical bills. Then, our abscence and this economy has taken a heavy toll on our small business. So, financially, their staying here can only help me.

Emotionally and mentally, there are pros and cons to them staying here. I know everyone grieves differently and I am just not sure which way is best for me. Sometimes, I get very stressed with the messy house, noisy whining kids, and just constant chaos. Actually, I have to say my granddaughters are very well behaved, but they are still babies and no matter how sweet they are, they still bring noise and confusion. One minute, I feel I can't take another second of it, but then the 3 year old will snuggle up in my bed and say the sweetest or funniest things; or the 1 year old will shower me with her slobbery, baby kisses and my heart just melts. I wouldn't trade those moments for anything in this world. However, I also do not want to jeopardize those moments by remaining in a constant state of stress over the clutter and the noise - not too mention the constant state of grief that I try to control in front of them, but sometimes just needs to come out.

So, I guess after typing this out, I can see my biggest concern is jeopardizing my relationship with my kids or grandkids. I am so unbelievably lucky to have the sons and daughters-in-law with whom I am blessed. I do not know anyone else who has kids that ALL want to spend so much time with their parents. Since they have graduated high school, each of them has stayed working in our business, lived very close to home and still chose to spend much of their free time visiting their father and I, just eating dinner, watching movies, or laying around the house.

You know the old saying "be careful what you wish for." I certainly don't want to wish for a clean, quiet home and end up with that by sacrificing time with my family. I kind of rambled on here and I am sorry for that. But does anyone have any suggestions, been faced with a similar circumstance, or any ideas at all? How do you find the occassionally needed peace and solitude without losing the love and fulfillment only they can provide? Or is there a way to just overcome the noise, clutter and chaos while it still exists in my life and home?

Thanks for any advice

Angie

[beautifulmistakes]

EVERYTHING now must be overwhelming to you, I know my Dad after losing my Mom 1 1/2 years ago, still finds the smallest things overwhelming. He almost is angry if we show up and stay too long. He just wants to be alone. Some time alone is needed, I need that myself as I miss her and granny sooooooooooooooooooooooooo much.

You mentioned that they have a place they could stay. Is there anyway they might be able to go there 3 or 4 days a week and then spend the other days with you. Gives you both a break and yet the support you need. Its so hard dealing with grief and so many in the house because you all deal with the grief differently. Some need people, others need solitude. I wish I had answers for you. Maybe just tell them how much you love and appreciate them being there during such a difficult time but you also need some quite time to sit and just be with your grief to process it. Sometimes I just want to sit and cry and I don't want somebody trying to fix me, I can't be fixed. I have to just lean into the grief as much as I can and when it gets to much, back out for awhile.

I don't, I just know your heart needs some you time. I bet your kids would understand that.

I dont know if it would be a HUGE inconvenience to go back and forth between places or not, but maybe they just leave the bear minimum with you so that its not so hard.

Anyway, thoughts and prayers with you. Just know you have the right to do what you need to do for YOU and hopefully there will be no hard feelings.

Kathy

[Korina]

It is terribly hard to know what is the "right" thing to do for all involved; after all, it has only been 2 weeks. For myself, after my husband died, I stayed with my mother in law for a couple of weeks after the funeral, then flew home. I was alone with Kailyn (baby daughter) and the kitties at home for almost a month, and then just had to get outta dodge, and did a road trip to my parents. Stayed there for a couple of weeks. Back home. A couple weeks later, my sister-in-law and uncle/aunt flew out for Scott's memorial etc etc. I had a combination of people and alone time (though I was never alone, as I had the kitties and our baby daughter). (Note I was on mat leave for 6 months after his death, so I did not have work stress added to the pot, though financial matters are always there, somewhere.)

It sounds like you have a wonderful family. Is it possible to sit down with your son and daughter-in-law, and discuss everything openly without anyone getting hurt? Perhaps between you all, an optimal solution can be found, a way that you can all benefit through these very difficult days. Whatever the solution is, in my experience, the support of family has been critical. And I just seemed to know when I needed to be with people, and when I needed to be alone, and I have been lucky enough to have temporary circumstances either way.

As a footnote, my parents are planning to sell their house in the midwest and move out to be with Kailyn and myself. If all goes to plan, we will buy something and move in together. As long as we get something big enough so that we have enough personal space, this is our long term optimal solution.

My best to you,

Korina

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry for your loss, Angie, and I completely understand your need for peace and quiet. As a fellow grandmother, I know how exhausting it can be to have your little darlings with you for several hours, let alone 24 hours a day, seven days a week ~ even when you're not in mourning. I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for you. (There is a reason why we have our children when we're young!) I would suspect that a part of you wants your precious family to be with you, and another part craves solitude and peace. I just wanted to point out that, if I were in your shoes (and of course, I know that I am not) I would find the most difficult part of this arrangement to be the fact that your kids and grandkids are staying in your home (not the other way around, where you are staying in theirs) ~ and so, if you're like most women, on top of all the grief you're in, you feel a sense of ownership in your home and consider it your responsibility (maybe even your pleasure) to keep it the way you like it. Even if your children and grandchildren are very good about picking up after themselves and keeping your home the way you like it, chances are (even just some of the time) they are operating under their own set of housekeeping "rules," rather than your own. When another family is living you with for an extended period of time like this, the lines of authority get blurred: Whose home is this, anyway? You may be engaged in a constant internal struggle, wanting them to stay and to feel comfortable and to make themselves "at home," yet also wishing they would do things the way you would and feeling as if your home is no longer your own. I am only guessing here, but as I said, if I were in your shoes, I would feel terribly torn and conflicted ~ and that's an awful lot to deal with when you are mourning the death of your husband, who died only two short weeks ago.

I agree with Kathy and Korina ~ this situation is best handled by keeping those lines of communication open, tuning into and identifying your own needs at this sad and difficult time, and sharing that information honestly and lovingly with your son and daughter-in-law ~ as often as you need to. Our thoughts and prayers are with you, and you can always use us as your sounding board!

[Susie Q]

Angie

I understand how you feel. After a few weeks I had to ask my friends and family to resume their life. They didn't want me to be alone, but I craved the freedom to cry when I wanted and sit and stare at walls when I needed that too. I diidn't want to watch TV, sit down for meals or behave as if everything was the way it had been before. At two weeks it is all so raw for you. Socialising even with loved ones can be beyond bearable, I found.

I felt like a caged lion under those circumstances and that was with people just staying over not living there. Maybe you could state what you need and how you are feeling and just ask for their advice. Alternatively, are there quiet places you can escape to for a few days at a time - other children, sisters?

Just let me say that it's 6 months since my husband died - I still have no idea what the 'new normal' for me is. You may need to give yourself much more time before you can work this out. Best wishes ...Susie Q

[Frank G]

Angie,if you need to be alone,be alone.As I said in my original post I miss my wife so much when I'm with the grandchildren as we were always with them together so I told my daughter this so she knows how I feel.

I went to my grandaughter's school swimming carnival on Wednesday because my wife always attended these occasions so I made the effort.I really enjoyed it (even though the tears were at the ready a few times) and she won the 50 mtrs. and really appreciated me being there.By winning the 50 mts.she swims in the 'District' competition next week so I will be there also.Maybe these efforts will help me back to some form of 'normal'.

Frank G..

[golden48]

On my husband's demise 7 months ago, I was surrounded with family support from day one, my loving sister came from overseas and decided to stay with me for a month, my daughter and my 3 grand children aged from 1 to 5 also stayed for a period of 2 months.

Ground rules were made by me, but it was hard to follow, chores around the homestead was constant. There was no time to grief and eventually I decided it was time to make some important decisions when I realised my Darling daughter was intending to extend her visit by another 2 months.

I sat both my s.i.l and daughter and told them it was time they head home and commence with their lives, it was also time for me to move on and pick up with daily living, besides, I needed the time to really grief for my better half. If they had stayed longer I would have become dependent on them and that would not have been good for either of us.

I also made a promise, in the event if I am unable to cope I will visit them or likewise they will return. I have been home on my own for close to 5 months and am glad to be in familar peaceful surroundings with lots of memories still intact. I had to master a new gadget (mobile phone) so she and the g.children calls me daily to ensure they are keeping track of my whereabouts, still having butter fingers with the usuage of the sms, very very slowwwwwwww.

Yes, I still do have good and sad days but Thankful to the Lord for His promise of caring for widows.

Ariddle, you know within yourself what you want and need at this point in time, just be upfront with your love ones and they will understand.

In His Loving Grip,

Golden48

[ARiddle729]

Wow, you guys really do understand. I was hesitant to start this topic because I thought it sounded so selfish and unappreciative. But all of you have assured me that these feelings are normal. I think Marty is right on target when she says that the problem is that it is my home and I feel my sense of ownership threatened. Because of bad winter weather, the kids actually moved in my home in December while my husband and I were still in Houston, TX. Therefore, they had, in a sense, "taken over" when we returned in February. Also, since we spent so much of the past year and half in Houston, our business was left in the hands of the kids. Now, I realize I also feel my sense of ownership threatened there. Of course, it also doesn't help that I am now the "sole" owner of the business. I not only lost my life partner, but also my business partner. I also returned to work this week and it was so hard being in that store that we built together, seeing customers he used to visit with, and making those daily decisions alone. I guess I just have too much on my plate at once.

Frank G, I am so glad you made it to your granddaughter's swim comptetition and congratulations to her. My husband's thing was basketball and he coached several children's teams in our community. I don't think I could handle going to see one of those teams play if he would have still been involved with them. So, I know what an effort you had to make to be there for her.

I hope I will be able to talk to the kids about this. I think they will understand. Sharing raw emotions just isn't easy for me. I know they really do not know how this whole thing is effecting me. This site is such a good outlet for me because I can write about it much easier than I can talk about it. Also, you have all been where I am so you understand.

I also need to remember that my sons are experiencing something I have never experienced. My father is still alive, but they have lost theirs. My sons are 26, 22, and 21. They are all young and dealing with their own grief.

Golden48, I am also thankful to the Lord for His promises. The first thing my husband told his sons after his cancer diagnosis was "No matter what happens, NEVER lose your Faith." This has really stuck in their minds and I hope they continue to heed his advice. My husband never once questioned his disease; in fact someone once asked him if he ever said "why me?" and his reply was "No - I should be asking 'Why NOT me?'"

Maybe I do need to give myself a little time before deciding on this situation. I am just so overwhelmed right now. Dealing with our loss, finding my new "normal", getting back to my neglected home and business, a new granddaughter not due for 9 weeks, but doctors having to fight to keep her in the womb right now, and all the other daily routines that don't stop just because my world has. It is just tough being so ALONE when you are surrounded by so many.

Angie

[teny]

Im so sorry for every new member of this family.I have been here almost 3 years and I live in Greeceso I have found a far away support.I want to tellyou my way of handling the first year after my husbands death.My love died 10 days after he was diagnosted with liver cancer without having any previous signs.We had plansto change home and live to a small house by the sea.I found myself with no plwce to live cause I could not face to live alone at our dream house.I have spend the first months with my brother and when I got very ill I moved with my son.I neededpeople around me I needed their love and suport.After 3 years of strugling to find some rutine I was able to move to our house by the sea for only a couple of days during the week.Memories are so painful at that house so I do feel better with my children.Dont try to deside now give it a secod thought.We aways need time.Your far away friend TENY

[kayc]

I would say to go with whatever seems most comfortable to you. If it feels better having them there, then have them stay while they're building, but if the noise and activity bother you, then have them take advantage of the opportunity for this other place.

[golden48]

Dear Angie,

It is a new ball game, having to make decisions by oneself when previously one is able to bounce ideas before reaching a solution, at the end of the day I am the one responsible rightly or wrongly.

Being alone is HARD WORK but I take it as a challenge, one day at a time, there are days when I find it extremely difficult and feel the world on my shoulder but thankfully with my faith I know I am not walking this path alone.

There will be times when u feel very strong, and yet you can feel tears swelling when someone enquires 'how are u' it is ok to cry whenever and wherever...just to let you know don't hold back for it is normal and part of the process of grieving.

Bearing in Mind, Tomorrow is a New Day.

In His Loving Grip,

Golden48

[Frank G]

I went to my grandaughter's school swimming carnival on Wednesday because my wife always attended these occasions so I made the effort.I really enjoyed it (even though the tears were at the ready a few times) and she won the 50 mtrs. and really appreciated me being there.By winning the 50 mts.she swims in the 'District' competition next week so I will be there also.Maybe these efforts will help me back to some form of 'normal'.

Frank G..

Went to the 'District Swimming' today and she won again and we are waiting to see if she's qualified for the next level of competition (Area Carnival).She is really helping to lift my spirit.

[ARiddle729]

Frank G - That is WONDERFUL! It makes me feel good to read things like this. I am happy for you and your granddaughter. CONGRATULATIONS to her!!!

[Frank G]

Thanks for that.I'm happy I helped you feel a bit better.Wednesday 3rd was also 3 months since I lost my June.Isn't it strange how we keep sort of making these little anniverseries.

[Lucia Abeytia]

I know this is a very difficult time for you but like everyone has told you,you need to do what is right for you...I lost my Ben 1,and 2 wks ago and this 1st year has been very difficult..He was sick for 6yrs and I cared for him worked and also raised 6 of my grandchildren due to his illness we lost our moblie home, and lived with our children and than we rented a house . Then Ben kept getting sicker and I would come home from work and find him passed out or vomitting,sometimes he wouldn't even be home and he would finally call me and tell me he didn't know where he was at and be crying so I would have to keep talking to him asking him questions until I finally figured out where he was at and go get him...so we ended up having to give up our rented house and move in with my daughter so she could help me take care of him...That was difficult enough but than he passed away and there i was alone no home and sick...I have lived with my daughter and my son since he passed away and sometimes I have been so overwhelmed because my grandchildren get on my nerves but I needed this year to think of what I wanted for myself so now I am off to Atlanta to a new job and a new life I am just trying this out I will be going back and forth and in 6 months I will decide wheather I will stay in Atlanta or come home for good...So what I am trying to say is don't be in a hurry for everything talk to your children you would be amazed at how understanding they are and remember you lost your best friend and your business partner but they also lost there father, this is new to them too!!! and they feel they have to take care of you and you have to let them, but let them know that what you feel

[Frank G]

It's strange what can trigger the tears.One day last week it was of all things food.

During our 3 months of hell getting June to eat was just one of my problems.She could handle a 'weight watcher's chicken hot-pot' now and again so I stocked up on a few.Not being into this sort of thing I thought I'd try one last week.As I was eating it I suddenly thought this should be June's dinner and I had a minor melt-down.

I've had another 'hot pot' tonight but with a different mental approach.She would be telling me to eat and enjoy because you can't afford to waste them now your not working.Frowned on waste and loved an ebay or 'garage sale' bargan my June.

[ARiddle729]

I had to smile when I read this. I know exactly where you are coming from. Dan also had major trouble with appetite his last few months and we tried all kinds of foods and drinks to find things he could tolerate. We had to travel 560 miles from home to seek treatment the past year and a half. While away from home, we stayed in a motor home. When the end was near, Dan had to return home in an ambulance and the motor home was left behind. A family member later went down and brought it back for us. So, it was a couple of weeks before I emptied out the motor home. When I did, removing all those special foods was harder on me than cleaning out his closet at home.

I am also learning that the mental approach does make a big difference. Just sometimes things sneak up on me and I don't realize that a planned approach is needed until it is too late to prepare one.

[DeeGee]

To Angie,

First of all my condolences to you for the loss of your husband. My husband died from kidney cancer 6 months ago. He was sick for 14 months from day of diagnosis to his death. Fortunately we live near a city with much excellent health care and he had very good insurance. None of it helped.

I want to let you know that I have three beloved grandchildren. And they are the light of my life and they visit and I babysit them a lot. But not for the world could I manage to be around them 24/7. And their parents seem to know and accept this.

So there may be some thinking on the part of your son and/or his wife that they would maybe want to move on and live alone as a family but they are planning to stay to help you. Consider this into the equation.

Also, I had my daughter and her husband move in with me for 6 months while they were building their home. They had no children at the time. It was supposed to be 3 months and turned into 6 months. And we love each other dearly, but everyone was REALLY glad when they were able to move into their own home once again.

My sister came and stayed with me for a week after my husband died. I felt a little sense of relief when I put her on the plane to go back home. I just wanted to be alone in my own home to grieve. I have been on my own since then. For me, I think this is best. I have the kids over for "overnights" and go visit them often. But this is my home and I figure I may as well get used to living here by myself.

Just one more perspective,

DeeGee

[ARiddle729]

Thank you for all the input. It is extremely helpful.

DeeGee, It sounds like you think a lot like I do. As much as I love them ALL, I feel I do need some quiet time. I am not rushing any decisions and haven't really discussed it much with the kids. Eventually, we will probably have to talk about them staying somewhere else at least part of the time. My son just started their house this week, but since he is building alone and working full-time and has to watch the girls while their mom works, it will be a slow process. I try to help them out with the girls as much as I can, but it is just hard to do right now and harder still since they are here 24/7.

I am sure my kids will understand that sometimes I need space. I really don't mind just locking myself up in my bed room but sometimes I just want to relax in my own living room too. In fact, the past 2 nights, I laid on my sofa and watched a couple of tv shows that I wanted to watch in the living room - the kids were there too just not in control. Generally, I would much rather read and let everyone else watch whatever they want, but I just can't concentrate right now so I decided I was taking charge of the remote and that is what I did. I actually slept pretty well those 2 nights for the first time since Dan passed away. I don't know if it was getting to relax and wind down somewhere besides my bed room or if it just caught up with me finally. I will find out tonight I guess.

[Frank G]

I had to smile when I read this.

I am so happy I managed to bring a smile to your face while remembering something that originally bought tears to your eyes.Please along with me except this as a real positive.