Am I Trying To Forget Him?

[Suzanne R.]

I am in an analytical mood at the moment and even though I feel a heaviness in my heart and filled with depression I am thinking that I am trying to forget my husband because it is so heartbreaking to me to even know that his pictures exist and I remember them so I don't even bother looking. I really don't believe this but is it a form of denial to not want to remember him? I know intellectually that he is gone but because there is such a huge hole in my heart I think maybe a part of my mind still thinks it's just not possible that he can really be gone. I think I really am trying to forget him to stop this grieving heart from hurting and that's what scares me. Yet I don't want him to be a memory. That hurts too much and as you all must know the aching pain is unbearable. I believe that Danny is not an angel or a spirit or watching over me, and I believe this because I don't feel him with me or near me, so please keep this in mind as it would be appreciated. We all have our own beliefs. I don't talk to him because I know in my heart that he can't hear me. I just want to understand if you have this same situation where you are trying to forget your spouse in order to be good to your heart. That's what I think I'm doing, anyway. This is what's going on inside my head and heart so I am thankful that I believe you all understand that I'm just getting out my frustrations and thoughts here. I just have this need to speak my mind while I grieve. I don't know if I'm making any sense. But I knew you would all understand. God bless you all.

[Frank G]

I have the opposite attitude to deal with the loss of my June.Every photo is still where it was.I have a small shrine on the chest of drawers in our bedroom with her ashes in front of a photo and a framed poem entitled "June" explaining the origin of the name which a friend gave her a few years ago.When my daughter and the grand-kids visit we discuss her openly and I am also making a concerted effort to visit the places we used to visit together and do some of the things we used to do together.It's hard sometimes but once it's done I feel better.

The only thing I still have a problem with is music as it was such a big part of our life personally and for a long time proffesionally but I'm positive I can overcome this eventually.

I think our ability to be positve is weakened when we lose the love of our life after going through the "be positive" phases of the treatments that eventually fails us.(I hope I've expressed that correctly.)

[JeanneC]

Dear Suzanne:

It will be two years this June that I lost Alex. When he first passed I hoped and prayed that I would never forget him. I never wanted to forget the way he looked before he passed. That is one thing I feared. Most people deal differently with their loss. Some have a very hard time remembering what happened. The part that I want to forget is when he suffered for 5 months in the hospital. That is what really haunts me. Love and God Bless, Jeanne

[dpodesta]

It has been 4 years for me since I lost my wife and looking back even though the pictures were still in place I reailized that I didn't look at them, really didn't even realize that they were there. I wasn't trying to forget, but I found that it was just too painful to look at back then. Today the only pictures that are out are in my son's room. I have them there for him.

[nats]

Suzanne,

I feel your pain and pray for you....I to am like Frank G.

I take all the simple steps to remember, I also have a small shrine

in the living room pictures are surrounding her remains, I have a peace lily

on the table and 3 angel figurines, and above is a picture of Jesus she bulit as a puzzle

I have framed, I also feel better when I take things "head on" while it is hard and I cry

sometimes for hours it seems to be helping, I also do talk to her because I feel she can here me

I think thats partly due to my faith because I truely believe in

eternal life after death with our Lord, but if not what can it hurt if it makes me feel better?

Now it's all about you and getting your feelings in order so take it in small steps and I think

your husband would want you to remember all the happy times, and even though it makes us sad remembering it is

a gift God gave us for a reason.....I'll be praying for us all....

NATS

[WendyJ]

Suzzane, first I want to say how sorry I am for your loss of your husband. Even though some of us have drifted from here we do stop in now and again and sometimes feel compelled to offer up some advice to someone like yourself who is new to this whole horrible experience. You know in your heart that no matter what you do, you will never be able to forget your dear husband, the reason you are not looking at his pictures mostly because it just hurts so damn much to do so, this I know. I just passed the 3 year mark and would you believe I am having a harder time so far this year then I did last year? Why, I have no idea...maybe reality is just setting in? You are going to go through so many changes during this time, you will take pictures down, put them back up again, be able to listen to music, then not be able to for crying your heart out, you will realize he is gone from this earth forever, yet next minute you will think of something you need to tell them etc . All of what you are going to go through I guarantee will be normal and most of us have or are still going through this. I am confused also to whether they see us or hear us or not...how do any of us know for sure and I do not talk to him that often as it always ends with me crying my heart out, so I just try not to. You said one major point, you are trying to tell us what is going on inside of your head and heart...that is the problem right there. Your head is telling you one thing and your heart is telling you another, so you do not know which one to believe. This is so confusing I know, but know you are never alone here, we will help you in any way we can and even though you do not realize it, but may later, you are helping us here too, this you will understand in time.

Love,

Wendy

[Dale&Sue]

Hi Suzanne: It's been just over 5 months since my Dale died. At one point, actually a few months ago, I just decided one day that I couldn't stand the pain and I didn't want to remember him anymore and I just wanted to wipe 20 years of a relationship from my memory. I put all the pictures I had of him away, and I even put his Urn in a closet so I wouldn't have to see it. I told a couple of people what I'd done and they were horrified and seemed to think I wasn't behaving very "nicely." Later, I did get his pictures back out and his Urn is back in our bedroom, but there are still some things I cannot look at. The sense of finality is like being hit by a freight train.

The point here is that the pain is so brutal that we look for some small way to ease it. I know that's what I was doing and I'm still doing it. And, I think that's what you're doing too. I was all over the map and I still am. From the sounds of your post, you are as well and that is grief. I think if we were in physical pain equal to this emotional anguish, someone would give us painkillers...probably pretty darn strong ones. And yet, we mostly carry on the best we can.

I can only say; be gentle with yourself and hang in there. Susan

[Korina]

Suzanne:

I seems to me that you are just trying to survive. You won't forget him. I have three pictures of Scott in the living room, where I spend most of my time at home, and in general, I am used to seeing them there and (usually) am not bothered by them. HOWEVER, I still have my moments. And I have only looked at other pictures very occasionally, as they still put me over the edge.

The day of Scott's funeral, I was desperately afraid I had forgotten what Scott's laugh sounded like (he had a great laugh). Our daughter had made a very stinky diaper in the middle of the service. Before we left for the gravesite, I plopped her down in the middle of the chapel and changed her. My mom smiled and said, "I can hear Scott laughing now, saying 'Way to go, poopy-pants! You pooped in the middle of my funeral!'" I couldn't remember his laugh, and it devastated me. How could I forget his laugh!?? But I didn't forget for long. It came back.

In a way it is comforting to hear of another who has questioned herself/hisself about fearing we are 'trying to forget'. I just did that this weekend. I felt I had been getting along pretty well, and hadn't cried or felt as sad as I 'normally' do. Well, I have been working through the pain for a good deal of the weekend. I guess we all have to learn how to live in our new reality.

Take care,

Korina

[Suzanne R.]

Dear Frank,

I have realized from reading posts, here and on other grief sites that others are similar to me in that they find it very disconcerting and heartbreaking to look at their spouses pictures. This, from what I've been told is a coping mechanism because I am so overwhelmed with grief, as you know we all grieve differently since we are each unique. I'm been told this is 'normal' for grievers and I still find it extremely fascinating that there are some, like yourself, who actually like to look at pictures of their deceased spouse. You would be surprised how many 'grievers' cry at the most inopportune times when they happen to be in public where they were with their spouse when buying groceries, et. You see, I am at an early stage, even though it seems to me like forever that while I know intellectually Dan, my spouse is really gone, my heart and soul haven't accepted it yet. With me it is sort of like how music played a part in your life with June. I am incapable of listening to any music or watching TV that we experienced together as a couple as my heart breaks in a million pieces when I just look at the title of music and TV programs that we both enjoyed when Dan was alive. At this time I don't want to overcome anything, I don't want Danny to be a memory, I just want him to be alive and well. I know this is an impossibility which is why I'm grieving. However, because we are all on our own pathway, I am really glad that you are able to keep June's memory alive by remembering her. In a way, I wish to God I could do that, it seems remote to me now, but maybe some day in the far future, I will be able to 'remember' Dan that way. I sincerely wish you peace and God bless you.

Suzanne

[Suzanne R.]

Dear Suzanne:

It will be two years this June that I lost Alex. When he first passed I hoped and prayed that I would never forget him. I never wanted to forget the way he looked before he passed. That is one thing I feared. Most people deal differently with their loss. Some have a very hard time remembering what happened. The part that I want to forget is when he suffered for 5 months in the hospital. That is what really haunts me. Love and God Bless, Jeanne

Dear Jeanne,

I don't think I'll ever forget my husband. We were together for 39 years and I fear I'm trying to forget him but I've read in other posts that it's just a coping mechanism that's common for some grievers to overcome overwhelming feelings that we are not ready to deal with yet. I would like to forget how my Danny suffered as well, but sometimes the thoughts come over me and I cry for the pain and suffering he underwent, so this haunts me as well. But, hopefully this too shall pass. God bless you too. Take care.

Suzanne

[Suzanne R.]

Hi dpodesta,

It helps me to know that I am not the only one who finds it very painful to look at my husband's pictures. Someone actually told me that I was being selfish in not trying to keep his memory. They obviously don't know that we all grieve in our own way. But your comments reminded me that I am not alone and I am in the right place. God bless.

Suzanne

[Suzanne R.]

Dear Nats,

I also believe in eternal life after death with our Lord, but (and I'm not trying to push my beliefs) I just don't feel Danny with me and I think because we will all rise on the day of judgement that's the day he (and each of us) will be resurrected and judged. If I thought he was really watching over me and I felt him near I would love to talk to him, as you and lots of others do as well, but I just don't feel his presence. I don't think it would be help me if I were to talk to myself, I don't want to talk to myself,I'd rather talk to Dan but that's just me. I'm not saying everyone should think as I do. Thank God, we live in the U.S.A. where we all have a right to think and choose what we believe. You are very kind in letting me know that you feel my pain. You are absolutely right that it is about taking care of you and me and all of us right now. But I'm just working on trying to be kind to myself, because right now it is too heartbreaking and unbearably painful to remember the happy times. I guess it is too soon. I really do know intellectually that it is a gift to remember our loved one, right now I feel it would have been better to never have loved at all, because I didn't know that after Dan's death it would feel like this. Your prayers are appreciated. God bless you. You are in my thoughts and prayers as well.

Suzanne

[Suzanne R.]

Dear Wendy, You are right, it really is because it hurts so much to look at pictures of our life before he passed away because it is the past and that life is forever gone and it hurts, it really does and I know that is just me trying to cope and I know, try as I might I will never be able to forget him. Even though as hard as grieving is, it does make it more endurable to know that this is normal behavior for someone who is grieving, so thank you for reminding me. My head is telling me one thing and my heart is telling me another. Well put! I say it a little differently but sometimes its better and easily remembered when you put it so simply. I've been already told, to my surprise, that I've helped others when I've posted on other grief sites how I felt. It's good to know this and I wanted to let you know that you have helped me greatly by your encouraging words and your support.

God bless,

Suzanne

[Suzanne R.]

Dear Susan,

I have been given advice on other grief sites and at the bereavement group I attend and I would like to pass these suggestions on to you because upon reflection it helped me a great deal to get through my pain. We all have a right to grieve in the way that helps each of us the best, if anyone feels the need to put away pictures or anything it is perfectly okay to do this, because we are learning how to cope and handle our loss in our own way and in our own timeframe. No one else has the right to tell anyone how to behave or think. It is up to each one of us to 'take care of ourselves.' We have a right to let go of others' opinions and let go of their friendship if need be, if we feel they are not helping us because we need to be kind to ourselves. Grief is best experienced in doses according to how we each feel is right for us, like easing our pain, and I agree that I think you're right that's what I'm doing by avoiding my husband's pictures. I have been told that we will always feel grief but in due time when it is right for each of us, we will be better able to deal with our grief. So, I think when you put the things away that were painful to you, you were 'behaving nicely' to yourself. Your comment about being given painkillers if this emotional roller coaster was physical pain was aptly put. And a little humorous if you don't mind my saying. Seriously though, the finality and unbearable pain in our hearts can be comforted when we are supportive of one another and gentle on ourselves, as you suggested. And I would like to thank you for your support and kind words.

God Bless,

Suzanne

[Suzanne R.]

Hi Korina,

You seem confident that I won't forget Dan and I'm just trying to survive so I do believe you. It's strange you mentioned not forgetting Scott's laugh. My husband once had a bellowing laugh that all of his family always spoke about, by our two sons, myself and his four sisters, all of my six siblings and all our our nieces and nephews all remembered saying it was an infectious laugh as when he was with neighbors, or family, or friends that he was unable to finish his jokes and funny stories by laughing at the punchline before he got to the end. Some children called him Mr. Giggles, When Dan's Mom and Dad were alive and when my Mom and Dad were alive they always said when he laughed, they couldn't help laughing with him even though he hadn't finished his joke because he was so funny when his laughter filled the room. But, the ache in my heart is compounded when his laugh jogs my memory. I've heard and it must be true that we will always grieve and the tears and waves of grief come and go because we need to take it all in in 'doses.' Like you said, we have to live in reality. Thank you for your help and support and encouraging words.

God Bless,

Suzanne

[kayc]

I can relate to what Wendy said...I had a shrine to George at first, then took it all down, and the pictures have been up and down since...right now I have a couple up but not a shrine. We could never forget them, but sometimes the reminders are so painful. For me right now, the reminders are the absence of all of the special things he did, the specialness of who he was, for no one, nothing, can ever replace that or fill his shoes and sometimes only serve as a reminder of his great absence.