I Have No Joy And I Wait For God To Call Me Home.

[Suzanne R.]

It's been 6 months today since my husband has passed. I recently have started crying again as if it were yesterday. Because my heart is in a million pieces it cannot be put back together and I know that there are others who are trying so desperately to get through their grief but I am unable to. When others tell me, "Oh you're new to this, it will take time" I have to cringe. In some small ways I know things are different because I know in my head and my heart he is really gone, but that's what makes it so difficult for me. I don't want him to be gone, I don't want him to be a memory, I don't want to be by myself, I want to see him, I want him to see me. I said this before and I need to repeat that I have no joy in my life because he is not here with me, and I despise the filtering sunshine as it tries to creep through my shades that are always drawn, and I loathe the chirping birds and try as I might I can't get out of my head swimming at the beach with husband or listening to his bellowing laughter and talking with him and now we'll never watch our children, our grandchildren and our only 6 month old granddaugher grow older and it breaks my heart to see her older brother smile at her and show affection and run and play. When my husband died, my spirit died with him, things will never be the same and only by my Faith and all of you here and support groups can I move from one day to the next. I just wait for God to call me and I feel like I am the saddest person in the world, but I know that I am not because I know you all understand.

God bless all of you here,

Suzanne

[Kat2005]

Suzanne,

I wish I had a magic wand to take all your pain away but unfortunately I don't. I know how you feel and it isn't fair. We didn't ask for this life that has been handed to us. You just have to remember that your wonderful children need you and it goes without saying your grandchildren too. You need to take care of yourself.

It has been 13 months tomorrow that I lost Pat. It has gotten better for me. I still have days when all I do is think about him. It just doesn't consume me like it did. You just need to give yourself time and deal with this at your own pace.

Just remember that we are all here for you. I will keep you in my prayers.

Take care, Kat

[closs86]

Hi Susanne,

I hate when people tell me that stuff also, because i am not interested in feeling better, I just want Johnny back, it feels like my heart is also dead, and i doubt that it will ever feel any different, I also just am waiting for god to take me so that i can be with johnny, I understand exactly what you are talking about. there is no cure, we are not sick, we will never be better. and it seems to be getting worse as the months go by.

God Bless

Hugs

Karen

[Korina]

Six months for me was Christmas. Scott loved Christmas. Thankfully, I spent it with his family, and then off to my family for New Years. And then right after that, it was back to work (I had been on maternity leave for a year), and had to put Kailyn in daycare. So much all at once. And then it was back on the plane to Scott's family as his aunt passed away, the partner of his favorite uncle. I look back on it and wonder how I got through it all. But I don't have to wonder for long. Our daughter. And love from friends and family. Scott would want, rather insist, that I do everything I can for Kailyn. And I promised him as he lay unconcious on life support.

As with Kat, my grief no longer dominates my every waking moment. But I still have my moments, no doubt. "I miss my guy, but The Girl makes me smile." The Girl used to be me; now it is Kailyn.

Hang in there - I believe that they are waiting for us when it is our time, but in the meantime, there are things for us to do in this world.

Korina

[Abby48]

Dear Suzanne,

i'm so sorry you are in such pain.

it will be 2 mos in Aug when my loving husband passed away.

there are no words to express how much it has changed me from a happy person to someone i don't even know.

i just don't care about anything,getting up in the mornings is a chore.

i can't explain to friends & family the grief i feel.

they aren't the ones that are reminded 24/7 that i no longer share my life with him.

they don't see his personal things still where he left them,they aren't reminded everynight

that his side of the bed will forever be empty.

i cry untill i fall asleep at night,why did this have to happen ? why am i left alone ?

sending you hugs

[rich's girl 4 ever]

Suzanne... I feell every bit of what you are saying. My love has been gone 22 months now and I think about the life we had every day. I really, really miss all of it and when I get up everyday I just go thru all the motions. I dont want to be here either I wish i was with him enjoying all the wonderful things that I once enjoyed.

Everyone always says things happen for a reason and God only gives us what we can handle.... well I am finished handling all this, I am tired and definitely not happy being here any more. I hope we both can get thru this but our loves will be there with us

[Korina]

I, for one, will always question 'the reason'. Doesn't make a lick of sense to me! However, not much we can do about it . One foot in front of the other, one day at a time.

Korina

[Ron B.]

Suzanne,

You wrote,

"I know that there are others who are trying so desperately to get through their grief but I am unable to."

This may sound weird, but I want to feel every bit of my grief, to its depths, and I'm not looking for it to pass as soon as possible. Memories of my deceased mother are precious to me and at the same time painful. Without that pain, I will never know the gravity of my loss. I believe you know this grief and pain beyond what i have experienced, in that I still have small joys and welcome the sunshine. The only way I can see to alleviate some of your grief is in what a fellow poster here, Kavish, has written. He writes that our loved ones are still with us. At first I didn't get his meaning, but eventually I realized it's the legacy of our loved ones in our own memory that keeps us going. You thoroughly know your husband's character, and you know the things he would say and do in a given circumstance. You can ask yourself, what would he want for you now, or how he would advise you? Then you just try to follow what you know his advice would be. I don't completely understand Kavish's faith that our loved ones are still with us, but he certainly communicates the power of that belief.

In short, the legacy of your husband can be a beacon to light your way through these dark times.

Ron B.

[Susie Q]

Dear Suzanne

In two weeks it will be a year since I lost my husband - no warning. I understand everything you say and feel. At six months I still wasn't back at work and would long for the end of the day when caring family and friends would leave or I could go home and be alone - still miserable but only 'with him'.

It's still like that but I am able to put on a 'face' in public and be close to normal. Nothing has changed inside but I have learned to bear the pain in a different way. I've managed to move it from overwhelming me to putting myself in charge of it. I'm still miserable, but in my own time and place.

I couldn't see that things would improve either but I just tried to keep going. Went to things but stayed for a short time. Did what we used to love to do but only when I wanted to and felt strong enough. Each time makes the next time easier.

I can't say I have or will ever feel again the joy in my heart that I had every ordinary during our life together. I guess what I have done is adjust to not expecting to feel that way again - and accepting that has made this awful road a little easier. I took heart from people on this site that told me the unbearable pain would abate sooner or later. I wish you some comfort as you continue to fight through this nightmare...Susie Q

[AliciaL]

Hi Suzanne,

This will be my first post to this. So if I somehow muddle it, I apologize. Saturday the 24th was 3 months since my husband passed away. I just now started reaching out to people, as I thought I can do it! And I thought that I could do it by myself. Wow, what a rude awakening. I have 4 kids, all of them under the age of 18, and now they do not have a dad. I have also said to myself, what is the point of moving forward. I wrapped my life in this person, he was my world, and somehow I don't have him anymore. I am angry. I have to wake up everyday, and I can tell you, I don't do it for myself, I do it for my kids. Because I have my children, I think that is the only reason God decided to not take me yet. I don't know if he has something in store for me, but I can tell you, there has been many nights when I pray to both God and my husband to take me, so I can rejoin my husband, because that is how my life was supposed to go.

I will never be happy, I will never have my life, and I will never be able to touch my husband, or hear his voice, or nag him because he was too loud, or abnoxious. I can never tease him, or tell him, "Don't forge the milk on your way home," and I can never call him Jonathan without hearing him tell me, "that is not my name". I have had to do birthdays now without him, our anniversary was a week after he passed, and I can't tell you what I did that day.

I loathe seeing people holding hands, or I cringe when I see a baby girl or boy holding tight to who I think is their father.

My life will never be the same. I will never be the same. I always ask myself "what would John do?" When I think I know the answer, I do just that. I live my life one minute at a time, and there have been plenty of minutes that I pray and wish I had died instead of him. We were both in the car, but I survived. I am truly angry at that.

I have no words for you, just what everyone else tells me, which doesn't help me, but that time does go on, and you have to find a new normal.

I thank God everyday for my kids. That is the only thing that keeps me going.

Sorry for the pain you are enduring

Alicia

[nats]

Suzanne,

Well I had many of the same feelings a few months back until I understood God does have a plan for all of us and being told I have an area of concern in my left lung which I'm having a second opinion on, both gave me a wake up call....I was actually praying God would take me but after being told this and the fact I don't think my plan is complete yet I now focus on things with a new outlook, I'm not ready to go home yet, I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to leave until I have completed my plan to the finest detail, sharing the word of God, being a disiple, and comforting anyone I can is how I proceed daily now...I also recently have found a Love that was unplanned and blindsided me, so I'm sure God is hard at work along with my wife Ruth encouraging every new challange...she wanted me happy after she was gone and I'm pretty sure I'd be safe in saying everyone else's loved one's would also want them happy as hard as it is without them...so with that being said we must focus on positive thoughts and energy to overcome this grief.... Alicia, you have your children you've been blessed with, mothers are a gift from God, enjoy them and cherish every moment you carried them for 9 months I think God's plan is you can raise those children to the highest standards, all while your husband provides guidance from heaven....I will be praying for you and all the other people grieving the loss of there spouse, praying God can provide some comfort and healing....

God Bless

NATS

[kayc]

Suzanne,

I wish you didn't have to go through this. I used to console myself that at least it was me going through it and not him. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, especially my Love.

You are at one of the hardest spots on the journey...that of six months, for that is where shock wears off and reality sets in. You realize they aren't walking through the door, they're not answering the phone, they aren't going to say "Hi Hun, what's for dinner?", they aren't leaving the garage light on for you anymore. And that is a hard lump to swallow. I console myself with the knowledge we'll be together again, that this is temporary, that he didn't "cease to exist" but is merely somewhere else, out of my reach. I still talk to him, write to him, think of him, and carry him in my heart. I always will. Grief takes an immense amount of effort...the effort/challenge to try and find some little joy in each day...maybe it's a rainbow or a sunset or a puppy's kiss or a child's smile, a stranger letting you merge, someone holding the door open for you...maybe that will be all the good you'll find that day, but recognize and acknowledge it, look for it, and you will find it. It all helps our positive focus. I know it's hard, it really is, more than people can ever imagine or think, but you have us here to go through this with you, to listen, understand, and care. This place has been my saving grace. I hope it will be that for you too.

[closs86]

Hi Suzanne,

So sorry for your pain, this all dosen't give me anything to look forward to my husband is gone 3 1/2 months and I can't breath as it is, so you are telling me it is going to get worse, don't think I can do that,

take care

Karen

[Suzanne R.]

Hi Karen,

I am saying what I'm feeling and I believe this to be true just for me. Every single one of us has our individual unique pathway, but I believe the pain is all the same. I am so sorry for your loss and also if I was misleading you with my own grief. I come to this group site to share my deepest, darkest feelings that only those here can understand. I want you to know that there are those who grieve and get through to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just honestly feel, just for me, that there is no light at the end of the tunnel for me. However, I also truly believe that God is carrying me through from one day to the next because He is the only one who can. When I share with others, and I receive messages that others know how I feel, I feel still sad but also some relief that I am not alone. Consider the fact that everyone has similarities but we all have our differences in how we react to our own situation because I believe God made us all different but I think He made us to help one another too. I pray for you to have peace somehow.

God bless,

Suzanne

[closs86]

Hi Suzanne,

I understand what you mean, and i don't expect things to get better for me either, how can they, my love for him will only get stronger, and i will only miss him more and more with each passing day. How could you get used to or accept the loss of the love of our lives, impossible. so I do know what you mean,

Take care

karen

[Pamy]

HI SUZZANE

Well am sorry for the emptiness in your life after the loss of your dear husband. I lost mine 2years ago and i must say it has not been easy at all.I was left with two children to take take of and i just cannot manage alone in this life. Life was soooo empty that nothing seemed good to me i could not sleep for one year however tired i could try to tire myself, i was not feeling hungry at all at all but Sezuie God loves you and sees whatever you r going through. He will come to your aid and just hold on a little longer as we join you in prayer for you and one time one day it will a story.He knows you as you and the plans for you are still there for you to accomplish. You are special and not to die now look up to Him when you feel overwhelmed and with that you will go far without realizing it.

With lots of love and hugs from Pam