How Do You Stop Feeling Empty?

[TryingToGoOn]

I lost my Mom on April 29th, 2005 (My Dad passed away in 1979). My Mom and I lived together and for the past 9 years she was unable to walk. I am 61 years old and single. I had a companion stay with her while I worked and I took over nights and weekends. I loved my Mom and it was a pleasure to care for her. It was not easy at times. 3 years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer and went thru the surgery, chemo and radiation. Thank God I am cancer free now.

In the last few weeks I had the help of Valley Hospice. Mom had congestive heart failure and I could tell she was suffering. That along with the onsent of dementia changed her from a very lively happy lady to

someone that was ready to give to give up no matter how hard I tried to keep her happy nothing worked.

She stopped eating then drinking and I had to give her morphine for the pain. She cried every time I tried to

move her. The day before she passed they brought oxygen into my home to help her breathe.

The next morning, I sat by her side and told her that when the angels come to take her to my Dad she sould go with them.

I told her I would be allright and that I loved her. For the first time in days she opened her eyes and tried to speak. I said yes Mom, I know you love me too. She closed her eyes and left me.

I feel so lost and alone. I cry at the drop of a hat and even my gardening which I love does not help me.

I am an avid Ricky Martin fan and so was Mom so that even hurts. I have a Brother that lives about an hour away who calls all the time and I try to convince him that I am OK because he has his own family and

grandkids and I don't want him to worry.

Friends have been great but for the most part I just want to be alone.

Will this feeling of loneliness get better?

Will I ever be able to go on?

I miss her so much.

Thanks for listening

[truckgirl]

HI! I am a "new griever" (3 months) and my best friend who has been grieving for 17 years tells me that you will always miss your loved one...you will always shed tears...but that sharp pain from the "fresh grieving" does eventually go away! I am trying to believe that and be positive! GOOD LUCK!

[TryingToGoOn]

Thank you.

The tears never seem to end but I am trying. I think the fact that I am living alone does not help. All of my family live at least 1 hour away and have not been here since the funeral. They do call but it is not the same as being here. I do have one cousin closer who has been a blessing. Letting me cry on her shoulder and trying to help me thru this.

Everything reminds me of my Mom, everything

[truckgirl]

Hello!

Sometimes I just want to scream because everything reminds me of my grandmother...I would give anything to be able to see her smile and hug her again!

I am sorry that you don't have much support...you have me and a lot of other people here! I have my roommate...she lost her brother 17 years ago and is still grieving...she is a great support to me!

Have a great day!

[avsqr_dancer]

Hi,

I just lost my mom less than two weeks ago and it is very tough! It was very sudden-a heart attack, so sometimes it still seems unreal. She was just beginning to get dementia, so I know how painful that is to deal with. My father is still alive, but went into the hospital the day after her funeral with pneumonia. He also has dementia, and although he understood when we told them that mom was gone, he doesn't remember. It is very difficult to grieve for my mom, and also be so concerned with my dad. Somehow I am hanging in there, but it almost feels like too much.

avsqr_dancer

[Kansaswalker]

I, too, have this terrible empty feeling. I lost my mom on April 24. She had moved to our city a year ago to be near my sister and myself. I called her every morning, took her places, saw her every day. I feel like crying most of the time. It hurts so much. A week after mom died after a 3 week hospital stay that was a complete surprise, my sister suffered a heart attack and had bypass surgery and was doing so well. She was doing fine but when they sent her home, she had so much fluid still on her body plus her blood sugars would bottom out. She had me call the ambulance for her, but the left side of her heart was severly damaged. The cardiologist wants her to go for SS disability. She will have to let her house go and move to live with an aunt in another city. She is single. I feel so bad I can't do more for her. I would give whatever I had for her, but there are problems with my husband. My sister had a pacemaker installed and seems to be doing better, but when she moves, there will be no one here with me. I guess I need to talk to my pastor as this grief over losing mother and my sister moving soon is too much for me to bear. My dad passed away 12 years ago and it was hard. Mom, my sister and I went through it together and we have been each other's best friend. I feel like I have had to be there for everyone, but now there is no one to be here for me. Thanks for listening.

[TryingToGoOn]

Kansaswalker I can relate to that feeling of being alone and having no one. I have family and friends but they cannot take the place of my Mom. I come home from work to an empty house and the memories are just too much and the tears flow almost every day. I know in time the pain will lesson but right now it hurts every day and it is very hard to convey these feelings to someone that has not felt this kind of loss. I know my Brother loved my Mom also but he was not with her every day. He had his own family to take care of and lives 1 hour away. It was just Mom and Me and now that my Mom s gone it's just me It helps me a little to come her and let some of these feelings out. I hope it also helps some of you.

[TryingToGoOn]

I need help. I can't do this alone anymore

[tootie]

Dear trying to go on,

Hello my name is Tootie, & I have lost my mom 2 & 1/2 years ago.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I have read the post you made here, & the kind replies you have gotten.

The pain & grief we share is so terrible, as I go through it I only wish that noone, will ever have to suffer this way.

Eventhough it has bee over 2 years since I lost my mom, the pain is still here every day. I too helped my mom with everything.

I did not live with er, but 4 miles away.

She was in a wheel chair & there were many things she could not do for herself, but I would drop everything & do for her.

My dad did not help her much, & has since died too.

He died Nov. 21st of 2004.

My whole family split up when mom passed away, & this left me feeling all alone, & feeling as if I were the only one going through this pain.

I then found this group & now know I am not alone.

The people here have been life savers for me & helped me through the last couple of years.

I am so sorry you have all of this pain, but I am also very glad that you have come here to be among friends & are seeking help, to cope with it all.

Feel free to email me if you like, at any time.

I need you to know that you are not alone. The pain is hard to deal with, but we must be strong & keep going on.

Wishing you all the best.

Tootie

[JCL]

Dear Trying to go on,

I too helped to take care of my mother who passed away at 76. I also feel very alone. I have never married or had children. I never suspected that I would end up feeling so alone at 48. I have my father and two older brothers, but it just is not the same as having my mother here. It also makes it worse that my best friend died 2 1/2 years ago of MS, a year before my mother. I have been through the months of going to work everyday, just to come home and fall apart, knowing that she is gone. Sometimes I think I am doing better and then it all comes back again. I understand how hard it is.

[TryingToGoOn]

Oh how I know that feeling. That is the worst part. Walking into the empty house with all those memories.

I have even tried to force myself to remember only the good times but it has been impossible. I have resigned myself to the fact that this is going to take a very long time and I just have to do the best I can

[STARKISS]

I TOO HAVE THE PROBLEM WITH FEELING EMPTY. SOME DAYS I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO GO ON. I LOST MY MOM WHILE ON VACATION IN APRIL OF 2005 AND NOW DAD IS DIAGNOSED WITH CANCER AS WELL PLEASE HELP ME

[SharonK]

This is my first time here. I've read so many of the entries and I hurt for all of you that are suffering from the loss of a loved one.

My Dad passed away on 4/12/05. It was my parents 58th anniversary. He had a reoccurance of prostate cancer and the doctor didn't move on it quick enough. He was my hero, the man that I looked to for strength all of my life. I had to sit and watch him take his last breath and I can't move beyond that morning when he left. He was in a wonderful hospice unit and all the people there were wonderful. I miss him so much that there are days I can't hardly get out of bed. My Mom is so sad and lonely. She says she's not ready to go to a support group, but I think she really is. She lives about 25 miles away so I call her twice a day and go to her house on the weekend.

I cannot get beyond that morning. I've had many people tell me what a gift I've received being able to be there when he passed. For me, it's a horrible memory. Maybe it will get better later, but right now all I can think of is that I sat and watched him take his last breath and I did nothing. He opened his eyes just before and looked an my Mom and me and I pray that he was letting us know that he was ok and that he was leaving. I my grief I sometimes think he was asking me for help, that he didn't want to go. I loved him so much. My heart hurts so much. People think you're supposed to just go on and not feel pain, but how can you do that. They think, well it's been 4 months now, you should be ok. I'm not! His birthday will be on the 14th. We're going to try and celebrate his life the way I know he'd want us to, but it's hard.

To all of you out there hurting...I will pray for all of you to find peace and comfort knowing that your loved one is in the arms of God.

[JCL]

Hello, I was there also when my mom passed nine months ago. It too was horrible, the machine was still breathing for her even though the heart monitor had gone flat. The strange thing is that I was the last to get to trhe hospital that morning, but the monitor did not go flat until I got there as if her spirit was awaiting my arrival before she could go. I could not get the pictures of that scene out of my mind for the longest time. I had to take Ambien the first few weeks, just so I could drift off because everytime I would close my eyes those last scenes would come back. I felt like I was frozen too. I wish I had some great words that would make things better and take away some of the awful pain that comes with losing one of the people you loved most in the world, but I can tell you that those images do fade. Myself, the first month all I could do was help plan my mother's two memorials, garden and not much more. For some reason, gardening, planting and watering things helped give me moments of peace. Then I just kept getting out of bed everyday to go to work even though I would fall to pieces on the way home everynight. I would go to my father's house on the weekends like you and I would make a family dinner every Sunday to keep people from being alone with their grief too much. My mother's birthday was July 27th and I left work early to go make dinner for my brother and father on that day. Just doing those things I have gradually put together more bearable days, but it has been a struggle. Losing my mother has been incredible heartbreak for me. I understand.

[SharonK]

JCL, thank you for sharing your experience with me. I'm sure it's difficult to relive those moments, but it helped me. I hope that I don't have to experience that again. As I told my Mom last night when she finally said she'd go to the Hospice support group, I'm grateful I was there with my Dad and with her too, but it's a heavy burden that I carry each and every day. My sister had been there all night, but she chose to leave because she was tired and had a headache. I resented her for that because we were all tired especially my Mom who hadn't left my Dad's side for the 10 days he was in Hospice. She slept curled up in a chair the entire time. My sister feels guilty for not being there and I've told her not to because it's something I will have to carry with me forever.

I ask myself so many times, how do you move on. I'm a spiritual person, I know that my Dad is with God and not in pain anymore. I know all that....but I still have this profound sense of sadness. I try to hide it a lot so that my husband and 12 year old daughter don't see. My husband is wonderful. He loved my Dad so much and I know his grief is very real too. My daughter is amazing. She knows Grandpa is gone, but her faith tells her he's ok and that he's with her. Maybe that's what keeps me down. I don't feel him with me. I've always been a firm believer that our loved ones spirits are with us. I just haven't felt him. In my crazy mind, I've thought maybe it's because he's mad at me for not helping him and for lying to him that he was going to be ok and that he needed to fight to get better. But I really believed, we all really believed that he would be ok. The doctors never told us otherwise. They said it was the radiation wearing him down. I promised him that he would be ok. I let him down. See what I do to myself?? I'm nuts!!

Thanks again for your words of encouragement!

[STARKISS]

HI,

I AM NOW WRITING TO TELL YOU THAT I HAVE LOST MY MOM IN APRIL OF 2005, AND NOW DAD HAS PASSED AWAY AUGUST 2005. I AM WONDERING IF I WILL EVER GET THROUGH THE EMPTY FEELING I AM FEELING. TAKE CARE GOD BLESS

[STARKISS]

HI I AM PRESENTLY LIVING ALONE MY MOM DIED APRIL 2005 AND DAD DIED AUGUST 2005. I HAVE A HORRIBLE EMPTY FEELING INSIDE OF ME AND I CRY AND SCREAM BECAUSE I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL IF I DO NOT DO THAT. I HAVE JUST SOLD MY PARENTS HOUSE THAT I HAVE LIVED IN FOR 26 WONDERFUL YEARS. AND MY DOG HAS GONE TO LIVE WITH MY BROTHER SO I MISS HER ALOT AS WELL. WITH EVERYTHING THAT IS HAPPENING I JUST DO NOT KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO GET RID OF THIS FEELING PLEASE HELP STARKISS

[JCL]

Starkiss,

I am so sorry you have lost both of your parents so close together. How difficult to bear all this. I said a prayer for you that the supreme being (God) whatever name you put to it, would help you with your grief. I do believe in prayer, although sometimes, I get answered in ways I did not expect. Life does not seem fair! After losing my mother, I realize now a year later, that I did progress through this even though now I still have days when I fall apart. The only way that I got through it was to allow myself to fall apart over and over again and let the sorrow keep coming out. That does not mean it goes away completely, but over time I was able to put more and more days together where I did not fall apart and feel so empty. I will say more prayers for you.

Julie

[Maylissa]

Starkiss,

I, too, know the utter shock of losing 2 loved ones close together ( Mom and brother, 2 months apart ), although I imagine it might be worse to lose 2 parents almost at once, especially if you were close to both of them. One of the best phrases I've heard is simply "It really does a number on you." But words are totally inadequate to describe the shock and horror of such things. Similarly, my family's home, where I lived for about 20 years, was sold a month after my brother passed...except my father didn't tell anyone and we found out by other means. That, too, is a piece of history 'lost' that we must mourn, and another shock to deal with, even if you did the selling yourself. It's an entire world crumbling to bits in front of your eyes, isn't it?

What Julie said is true for many of us. Time itself doesn't do the healing, but it usually takes some time to get those bigger spaces in between the anguish, but these are brought about from letting all the emotions out of your system, in whatever ways work for you. And much of what works is found by experimentation &/or experience. Having said that, each loss can be different in many ways, so all we can do is push ahead, or just stumble ahead, then look back later to discover how far we've come. Sometimes we don't even see the results until someone else points little things out to us. It gets 'easier' (though that's not a great word for it, and I'm not sure what is a better word yet ) the more we are able to release from inside, even when it hurts so very much to do so. I feel so badly for you, too, and for all of us here. If your brother lives close enough, I'd suggest you visit your doggie as much as possible, as animals have wonderous ways of helping us through hard times.

BTW, if you hadn't noticed yet, I answered your post about Thanksgiving in the other section. I forgot to mention that the next year at Christmas, we volunteered at a local free Christmas dinner, just to break up the usual pattern. It helped me a bit.

[JEM1968]

Hi

My mum died August the 16th 2004, like many of you I was there when she took her last breath and felt so powerless to help her.

We did not know she was going to die, although she had cancer, until 2 days before we were told there was no more they coud do for her and she faught for 2 days to stay alive - she wanted to see her three grandchildren grow up. I too feel I let her down as I told her she'd be ok 'cause thats what all the doctors were saying.

Since that day I have feel so empty and like many of you the pain is so intense, people that haven't lost someone so close really do not understand the intense feelings and emptiness.

Whenever something happened to me I always went to my mum and she always listened, understood, and yet now with this terrible loss it is her I need most. Somedays I find myself driving to her house to see her and tell her the news only for the pain to hit me again.

My dad is still alive and although we have got closer it is not the same, and my brother and I have become more distance. My sister died 33 years ago at only 18 mths when I was 4, and this grief has hit me now too as think this would be the one person I could share the grief with.

Sometimes I think that she is close by but then I think I am just imagining it, as it's my greatest wish just to have one last moment with her as she was before she got so ill. I try to comfort myself with the thought that my mum and sister are now together, but this often makes me feel left behind.

I do agree that the times between the anguish does increase as time goes on, you just have to try to find a new way to live and accept the old way has gone along with the person you have lost - but this is so hard. The gap left is so big!! I understand what you are all going through.

[AllyNoble]

to all those who have shared their stories - hugs and strength

I know its easy to say but time does heal the sharp pain that goes with losing a loved one

In the early days of losing my son the pain was there on a daily occurrence now its there but not so acute, then when I lost my dad the pain became a little more acute but quickly respited - I kept telling myself I got through losing my son I can get through losing my dad, then a few more deaths within our family circle made me realise that I was to either begin to sink or swim - i decided to get me some floaties and just relax and go with the flow

dont get me wrong there are some days when I sit and question the whole circle of life and I wonder what on God's green earth did I ever do to deserve all this - but at the end of the day I have realised that none of the deaths were my fault and nothing I could of changed would of made things different

I too was with my father when he passed on and although the memory is still there it is now more peaceful and ambient if that makes sense.

with my son I cannot say the same I often question the reasoning for losing him, although not as often now, but when I hear of people abusing their children I wonder why they couldn't of lost their child whom they obviously dont cherish - I know that sounds very unchristian but its how I feel. we had a woman who chopped her sons leg off with an axe here recently, this incident broke me down more so I think than when my son first went away - what ever did I do in my life that was so bad that God had to take my son away and yet this woman who doesnt want her child gets to keep hers - how unjust is that - how can a parent like that remain on earth when my father, who did nothing but good things through his life, had to be taken

then I realised the saying God only takes the best is so very true, this is what helps me through - this is what keeps me sane knowing that he took my precious family members because they are the best.

sorry for rambling so long but I hope it helps you through your darkest hours

love and best wishes

[AllyNoble]

STARKISS 2 years and 4 months ago marty gave me some information and like so many others told me things would get easier - at the time I was not so sure that they spoke the truth - now I can definitely say that time does heal and even though life as you knew it will no longer be the same you will grow into a different life and cherish those who have left your side