It Doesnt Get Better...only Worse

[MZM]

I went to the cricket yesterday - an international game... I just remember how we were just at the Soccer World Cup recently - cuddling in the cold (as it was winter here). Its still a bit cold and I felt so alone..so empty. I missed him at the cricket and missed him keeping me warm. Also, he wasnt there to take me home, no one knows when i get home safetly anymore...i felt lonely and hated seeing couples. I cried so much on the way home, that i couldnt see..I cried so hard and long and the memories just crept in. I kept thinking "how could he be gone"

The loneliness is really getting to me. 2 months since the accident and it doesnt get easier...just harder. Theres no more shock, just plain raw hurt of not having your special someone with you...your partner. I miss him so much:(

[Ron B.]

Hi MZM. I have a different perspective on the pain issue. Yes is hurts as bad as ever. But that pain of going through grief is part of a long term process of healing. I would worry much more about the person who couldn't cry or feel distress over their loss. It seems to me that you are grieving quite healthily. It's hard for me to tell anybody that emotional pain has a rightful place in their life, but I think it does. Crying releases so much emotional tension; there's no better way to re-balance distressed emotions. And your thoughts as you grieve have a beauty of their own. They express not only your loss, but also devotion to your beloved husband. Grief puts our humanity to test. We struggle painfully, but also learn and grow as we grieve. Don't get discouraged! Your healing is already underway.

Ron B.

[Lindakay]

Ron, I agree. The person that holds it in too well is criticised as uncaring. I say unhealthy and maybe feeling to vunerable to let it show. It's a time and place to let most go. I have teared up at work and didn't want to. Most were understanding. In the car alot. At home is safe for me. Grieving is natural. Whether a parent, spouse, child or friend. We still grieve. I loved my parents and balanced the grief with knowing they had a long life with six children that loved and repected them everyday. They worked in a family business with four of the six kids. We lived in the same town and saw them often. Losing my spouse was harder. There is no right or wrong way. It hurts. LindaKay

[kath]

Dear MZM,

Many hugs to you as you go through this raw, wrenching pain. Two months is very early on this journey and I am glad you are able to reach out to this group. I still miss my spouse deeply but the pain of losing him is nothing compared to what it was in the beginning. It does get better, but sadly, there is no easy way around it. We have to walk through it. And it hurts like nothing else.

I struggled with the lack of anyone knowing where I was or if I even arrived safely. I finally started emailing distant relatives to tell them where I was going and when I'd be back. I doubt they cared, but I had to have that connection and the reassurance that at least someone knew. I give you a lot of credit for getting out on your own. It takes courage. Can you take a favorite sweatshirt or jacket of your husbands next time? It somehow lends a bit of security and warmth surrounding yourself in their things. (And the smell is nice, too.)

Let the tears come as they are necessary. (As if we could stop them anyway, eh?)

And take good care.

Love, Kath

[Dar W]

I know how your feel, I loss my husband Paul on April 5, 2010. I hate going out because I have to come home alone, I can't see couple together. They look so happy and I'm not a couple any more. This Sunday Sept. 26, would of been our #29 wedding annv. I don't eat or sleep much. I go to work and come home to a enpty house. I'm been told it will get better, but I don't how is will. But I'm learning how to take each day as it come. and so can you. I'm finding out that I can never forget my Dear Paul or can you forget your husband. but we can go on with our life the way they would wanted us to. Take care of yourself the best you can and find out to help you out. Cry when you need to and laught when you can. You are in prayer and thought.

[Korina]

While it has often been so hard to feel the pain of our grief, I am glad I do feel this way simply because it validates our love - after all, how could we not feel pain when we are now separated from someone so special. But please believe that as time goes on, though the pain may not go away, it will morph and become part of your existence in a manageable way. Hang in there.

Korina

[Queeniemary]

MZM, it is good that you got out and did something. The first time is always the hardest. I don't think missing them ever goes away, but I can tell you that after over 8 months, my husband died on Jan. 13th, it does ease up some. There are still pretty bad days, but there are also days that are all right. Mike always did all the driving when we went anywhere, and that has been a big challenge to me. I don't like to drive, but there is just me now, so I have to. I miss him in so many ways, and probably always will.

Dar, Happy Anniversary, it is still your special day. Our anniversary was April 12, and it was a pretty rough day, it would have been our 20th. Hugs going out to you today.

Grieving is just a way of life now. I am not the same person I was before Jan 13th. I have lost both my parents, a baby son, and an older sister. I have grieved for all of them, there is never a day goes by that I don't think of Kevin, my son. He died at age 4 months, he would have been 38 now. However, this loss of my husband hit me in a way that none of their deaths did. Part of me is just gone, and I still just can't imagine the rest of my life without him. I try to keep projects going, something to keep me busy, but there are times that I just don't want to do anything.

Korina, you are right the pain becomes more manageable, but it is always there, just a part of who we are now.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[melina]

Mary,

I'm sorry to hear about you losing a baby son. That must have been unimaginably painful. I have never lost a child, but have lost other family members. And I agree that it was nothing compared to losing my soulmate who was a part of my life for nearly 30 years. I feel utterly lost and it still feels unreal.

Melina

[redwind30]

It has been five months since I lost my husband. It is so hard to do anything; everywhere I go the emptiness is still with me. I try to get out and do things, but sometimes it just doesn't seem to be worth the effort. I too hate going out and seeing couples and happy families, then I feel guilty that I am so jealous. You are so right; it doesnt seem to be getting better...it just keeps getting worse. I thought I would be farther along in the grief process after five months. But, in many ways it seems like I am just beginning. I can say I do know how you are feeling; I know how incredible the pain is. I hope things will get better for both of us soon.

[Cris]

Im fairly new to this site but not new to this pain! I lost my husband Larry 3 years ago. You never get over it you try to live with it! I tell everyone you only grieve as deep as you loved!! I just got back from vacation with my kids and their spouses and another couple that was my husbands best friend. I have a place in NC where we have gone as a family for 23 years! An it never gets totally better. I still cry when I walk into the mst br and all I see is my things and not his!! My kids and friends are great but they dont truely understand my pain. Nor do I want them to! I was with that man for 30 years. Since I was 19. I hate to see couples also. Old, young it doesnt matter! I can only hope we all can learn to live with our losses. If I can offer anything it is that you will survive this. I hope everyone keeps posting here. I wish i would have had this site 3 years ago! I will pray for all of us here in a club we didnt want to join!! Hugs Cris

[west]

I am so sorry for your loss, an accident is so quick and changes your life in a second...hard to adjust to this. I do not know about time helping; after six months it seems it is getting worse. Less crying but a lot more sadness realizing that he will never be part of my life again. too much to do with the house and the paperwork. i have no energy left. May your journey be easier. I will pray for you.

[nirac]

Hi, I agree with Kath, bring a shirt of ur husbands. I always wear a sweatshirt of my fiancees. He had two favorites and whenever I feel like I need him close I spray his cologne on it and snuggle with it. It reminds me of him and gives me a little comfort to smell "him".

[kayc]

I'm sorry...I know how badly it hurts, it feels unbearable. None of us can physically take that level of pain forever, and eventually it has a way of subsiding a bit so that it's at least more tolerable. It's always there, just beneath the surface, but not as intense as it was in the beginning stages. It's kind of like the difference between a throbbing intense unbearable pain, and a dull ache.

[sunstreet]

Dear MZM,

I am just so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. I understand so well. I want to encourage you to believe that you will survive your pain. It is a healthy thing to express and feel. I have been where you are now, and I want to give you hope that the pain does transform into something different, something that we can carry without crumbling. By your posts I see the love you and your partner shared and I believe it quite healthy to be hurting so as you are now. Hang in dear one, all waves of pain eventually reach shore and dissipate. Courage to you.

Blessings, Carol Ann

[MZM]

Thanks all, for your encouraging words! I really really love having found this group - people who truly understand me!

Rob, you were right and thats exactly what my counselor has said... it IS better to feel all this. Kath, thank you for that advise...i will definately try that next time...Thanks DarW and im so sorry about your anniversary - hope you were strong? I cant imagine facing all those dates like birthdays, anniversaries, Xmas and new year...how?? Korina, you are right - this all validates our love... shows that they meant something deeply to us if we miss them this much. I really am missing him heaps today:(

Queen Mary - thats alot of losses, im sorry...infact sorry for us all... I really cant imagine going through more losses now though:( - this was my first big loss and I cant imagine any more...Life really is tough! Redwind - I was with couples this weekend and it really sucked! I never felt more alone!! I just went into the bathroom and sobbed. I missed having my special someone... It still feels worse and isnt getting better...But everyone here has very encouraging words and I do believe we will feel better oneday...Chris, you're so right, we're in this club we didnt want to join. All of us need prayers...but atleast we're all here for eachother...thank God for that! Thanks west...and yep...it does get worse - the loneliness is too much! Today i realised yet again that "My babylove is gone!!" Its too much, but like many have said - this is the healthy way, so thats somehting positive. Thanks nirac and KayC. Thanks Carol Anne, very wise words as well... "Hang in dear one, all waves of pain eventually reach shore and dissipate. Courage to you.

" thanks for that!

[HisEvelyn]

This is my first post. It's been 10 weeks. I cry every day. In moments. My days are normal, but I go through them in a daze. I do have happy moments. But then I want to turn and tell him about it, and that is gone. And that's when I cry. Cry when I'm laughing, or smiling, or joking. And realizing that we will never do any of that again. I feel okay to cry. I do feel it validates, and I do appreciate what I had...crying reminds me that I use to be happy and that I know how to be happy and how to love. But everyone around me is too worried that I cry. I do it privately, so no one is uncomfortable. Reading all of your posts have helped. Thank you.