Crying

[abergsma]

It will be one month on the 14th since I lost my husband so unexpectedly.

Some days I don't cry and others I don't stop... I realize this is expected but it is like nothing I have experienced before. All of a sudden it just happens.

I was at my daughter's for supper yesterday and just starting bawling when my other daughter from out of town said they could not spend the night with me as previously planned. I felt so bad for her and did not want her to feel guilty but the crying just came and I could't stop it.

I know unless you have walked in our shoes you really don't understand. Do people think enough is enough get on with your life?

[nirac]

Who cares what people think, I don't. Because like u said until they have experienced what we have then who cares what they have to say. It has been five months since I lost Charlie and I still can't believe it! Its a struggle every single day, some days are not as bad as others. I don't know what makes one day worse than another or what triggers it. But the best advice I can give u is honestly to take it one day at a time, sometimes an hour at a time. Don't worry about wht others say or think,if u want to cry,then cry if u want to scream then scream. Only u are gonna get u thru this!

[redwind30]

It has been a little over five months since I lost my husband. I still cry almost every single day. It seems like all I did this past weekend is to cry. But, you know what? It really does make me feel better. During the first two or three months there were several times when I just laid on the floor and cried as hard as I could. It doesn't matter what people think. I am finding that alot of people don't "think" period. Unless someone has lost a spouse they can't possibly understand. Give yourself time to heal. Do what works for you and try not to worry about other people. I know it is much easier said than done, but right now you are the only one who counts.

[kayc]

Welcome to this site, I am sorry you lost your husband. Many people won't understand because they haven't been through it but people here will. I agree, it's not so much what others think as recognizing your needs and learning to stand up for yourself and be the best person you can be.

[abergsma]

Thank you for all your kind words.

It is my first holiday without my husband. This is Canadian Thanksgiving weekend.

What a wonderful site this is. I will definitely stay on board.

Allana

[nats]

Allana,

Hello and Welcome to the site, it's been 8 months for me since my wife left and I still have those teary days, I never know when they will hit me, I can be going thru my day fine then out of no where the tears turn on, I used to suppress them depending on what I was doing now I just let them flow as they are good for us, but I now focus on the positive energy my wife and I had and the tears are differant, I also feel differant after crying from positive memories, it will get easier I promise, glad you found the site we have a great group of people here, with God and all of us sharing our thoughts and stories it makes getting thru each day a little easier...

God Bless You...

NATS

[Sharon3]

I am sorry for your loss and welcome to the site which helps me so much on my journey. Some days I don't think I have progressed very much but I have. I too am Canadian and we are celebrating Thanksgiving this weekend. Last year Thanksgiving without my husband was torture because I didnot feel I had anything to be thankful for. This year we celebrated on Saturday night and I looked around the table and knew as much as I missed my husband I had much also to be thankful for. Tears are badges of love and you just let them loose. My Mother to this day (I cried in front of her the other day) still tells me not to cry...but that generation were taught to suck it up.........I think it shows strength to cry ....it takes strength to show your vulnerability....so do what you need to do not what other people who are not walking in your shoes think you should do...............and try and get thru Thanksgiving.........the next one will be better.

[abergsma]

YES, I feel like you did last year....what do I have to be thankful for...nice to know there will be changes to that feeling...thank you for your thoughts and suppost

Allana

[MartyT]

Allana, dear ~ I encourage you (and others reading this) to read what some writers have to say about crying, tears and grief:

Every tear not cried will be expressed elsewhere in the body. ~ Fritz Perls

A sorrow that has no vent in tears makes other organs weep. ~ Dr. Henry Maudsley, an eighteenth-century British psychiatrist

But there was no need to be ashamed of tears for tears bore witness that a man had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer. ~ Viktor E. Frankl

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than 10,000 tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love. ~ Washington Irving

I used to wonder if there would ever come a day when I would stop weeping for my dead child. I thought of tears as a reaction to my feelings of deep grief. Gradually I came to realize that the shedding of tears was part of my healing, like a cool salve on a wound. My tears are my gift to myself, a way of physically acknowledging the love I have for my child, a way of saying, "I love you to the innermost depth of my being." Tears have an almost spiritual healing power, an expression of deep love for the ones for whom we weep. ~ Ann Dawson

Above all, don't be shy about crying. Crying is coping. In fact, I suggest you don't miss an opportunity to cry – it will be good for your body and soul. Crying is at once an act of cleansing and releasing. Your tears will remove some of the toxic byproducts that have built up in your body due to the stress of grief. I promise . . . you will feel better. ~ Louis LaGrand, PhD

See also these articles:

Can't Think of Mom Without Crying

I've Never Been a Crier, But Now...

We're Strengthened When We Say 'I'm Here'

Shedding Tears, Healing Waters

When the Crying Won't Stop, Try Breathing

How Crying Can Make You Healthier

Crying In Response to Grief

Strengthened When We Say ‘I’m Here’

Toxic Tears: How Crying Keeps You Healthy

Widow Asks: Why Can’t I Cry?

Mother Asks: Why Can’t I Cry?

Sibling Loss, Unable to Cry

Teen Misses Uncle’s Visitation and Funeral

Edited December 13, 2012 by MartyT
Articles added

[melina]

It's been just over two months since I lost my husband. He had cancer, but it was in remission, and his death was very unexpected. The trauma of sudden death adds to the grief process, I think. I still cry - at least a little - every day. But looking back I see that things are easier now than they were a month ago. So I know I've made progress.

Some days I have sobbed so hard my stomach muscles end up sore. Some days I've cried from the moment I wake up until going to bed. But now the last week or so, I cry for a few minutes, and am able to get on with things.

What's helped me, I think is: time, sessions with a grief counselor, talking to others in the same situation (in my case I have this site, but a support group near you would also be a good idea), and more time. As many here have told me - you can't go around it, you have to trudge through it. You have to experience the pain to get to the other side.

I've hated every moment of grief. I still miss my husband terribly, but I am having an easier time coping now than I did a month ago. At first I didn't believe that I would ever progress past the intense pain, but it does seem to be lifting a bit. The tears still come, but they don't last as long. You just have to allow yourself to be sad and try to be your own best friend.

Melina

[MZM]

Abergsma, i know exactly how you feel and i agree so much with what nirac said as well:

Who cares what people think, I don't. Because like u said until they have experienced what we have then who cares what they have to say. It has been five months since I lost Charlie and I still can't believe it! Its a struggle every single day, some days are not as bad as others. I don't know what makes one day worse than another or what triggers it. But the best advice I can give u is honestly to take it one day at a time, sometimes an hour at a time. Don't worry about wht others say or think,if u want to cry,then cry if u want to scream then scream. Only u are gonna get u thru this!

I have some days where i cant stop hurting and crying and other days that do feel a little better. But not many people know exactly what we're going through. Thing is, is that for everyone else...life moves on and they think that it should for us to. I had a huge fallout with my best friend because she hasnt been there for me. Her words to me yesterday was that she doesnt need to ask if im ok, she just thinks that i can deal with it. This is my so called best friend who hasnt called me once since the accident just to find out if i am ok (shes called me for other things like work etc). My zubeir passed away in an accident on the 25th of July. Its still so fresh...and for you too....it all takes time, for every one of us... theres no way that we can just be strong!

Hang in there though and know that you're not alone...hugs, M