It Can Get Better

[Billw]

I have been posting here since this summer. My wife passed away from cancer in April of this year. I have been so lost and devastated from time to time that I didn't know if it was possible to feel human again. Something is happening lately, the fog has lifted slightly and I am starting to see the sun coming out again. I have been involved in some intense therapy since May and have started to reap the benefits lately. The feelings of hopelessness have been replaced with some joy and hope for better days. There are still days that the wheels fall off and the whole thing crashes down but it seems to get put back together quicker now. Christmas a week ago, yesterday my wedding anniversary, and tonight New years, I continue to work my way through these tricky times and come out the other side (with all of your help). Each time this happens it strengthens my hope for recovery from all of this. If you are new here or are having a rough time please know that it is possible to feel o.k. and we will recover. Today is a good day so far, who knows what the next day or even the next hour will bring. I have to remember to live in the moment and try and be patient and kind with myself. Thank you all for helping me....BW

[Queeniemary]

Very well said Billw, I have been posting here since April, lost my husband on Jan 13th. Good days and bad days, but good days are starting to outnumber the bad. Lonley and missing Michael, dreading the anniversary of his death, but I have made it through some bad dates, and will make it through that also. Thanks to everyone for all the help and support.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[sunstreet]

Thank you Bill, could not have said it better myself. I am so grateful for everyone here as well. My joyful days out number the difficult dark days now. I posted a poem in the Poetry of Grief and Loss forum that I wrote on December 25, this year that speaks about what hope is for me and was and is the key ingredient for me to have moved through the loss of my Melissa in the physical sense.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[kayc]

That is so good to hear! I think Marty put it well when she said years ago that it's not that it gets better but that we become more adept at coping (and that can make us FEEL better).

[redwind30]

Bill, I admire you that you are starting to "move on". You have great strength. I lost my husband in April, but don't seem to be making very much progress. Somedays I feel like I am just starting to adjust to the news that he had cancer. I only had three weeks from getting the news to losing him. Everything is still a chore. I go out with friends and try to take care of things around the house, but everything is just so hard. I don't feel joy, just emptiness. I am really trying hard to get better, but don't seem to be moving very fast. Christmas Day was horrible. I don't have any family in town which makes it difficult. I spent Christmas with a neighbor who was kind enough to invite me to dinner. In a way it was almost worse then being alone. Knowing I was spending such a special day with someone who is almost a stranger may me feel even more alone. This is not a satement against this dear lady who was gracious and kind. It is just something coming from within. I did not let her know how I was feeling; as a matter of fact she remarked several times about how well I was doing. That is because she did not see the "melt down" I had before and after dinner. I am only 51, too young to be so sad all of the time.

[Billw]

Hi Redwind, I am sending positive thoughts your direction. Some days it feels like we just stall out and it's hard to get going again. We wonder if this is truly all there is. I recently started forcing myself to socialize and do things that are uncomfortable and it has helped to keep me from isolation. The therapy has been a good thing also, I was skeptical at first but it has proven to be a useful tool in getting through all of this. It's hard to wrap our minds around all of this stuff and can get totally overwhelming at times. I keep telling myself "this is all temporary" One Day At A Time has never been this up close and personal to me. People use this phrase all the time but I doubt many actually do it. Grieving our loved ones is a huge chore and requires a lot of patience with ourselves, something I have struggled with for years. All I can say is please hang in there and know others care and you are not alone. Hoping for a better 2011....take care.....BW

[Susie Q]

Hello everyone

It's 14 months since I lost my wonderful husband to a cerebral haemmorhage - no warning, no previous health issues. It knocked me sideways so far that I had six months off work. Like many of you have said, I also have forced myself through sheer willpower, meltdowns, despair and an aching heart to return to the life I loved so very much before this nightmare happened.

Bill, I'm pleased that you see some return of good times ahead. I am yet to find any peace or happiness but I can now enjoy parts of days or functions, so I also believe it is possible. Without that hope, I don't think I could get up in the morning!

Yes, it is really hard work to get out there and most people have no comprehension of that, but it's the only way to make the second time and the third time easier.

My husband was always committed to organ donation so today I am thinking about the families out there that have just celebrated a second Christmas and New Year with their loved ones that wouldn't have been possible without his caring generous nature even in death - the only positive thing that could come from this immeasurable loss and heartache that my family are feeling at his loss. Perhaps you'd like to read a little about him in the attached file (Pg 8) from an interview I was asked to do for the DonateLife Annual Report.

I continue to draw strength every day from the caring people on this site. Thank you.

With my bery best wishes for some healing in the year ahead...Susie Q

[Susie Q]

Sorry, second try to attach file Pg 8

Annual Report DonateLife 2009-2010 .pdf

[Dimcl]

I read Ron and your story, Sue, and I must say that your Ron has a lovely face. I'm so sorry that his death was so sudden. My Glenn was diagnosed with cancer in September and died of heart fibrillation on November 1st, so his death was very sudden, too. He'd never been sick in the 33 years that we'd been together and so, I think I'm still in shock.

For whatever reason, Glenn had a fear of having his body "mutilated" after death (he died in hospital, so no autopsy was required), so organ donation was out of the question. Your and Ron's story has made me think more seriously about it, though. Thank you.

[abergsma]

Thanks for sharing Bill. I lost my husband in Sept and it was very unexpected. To hear all of you voice your feelings is so helpful in my journey.

Day by day , hour by hour, minute by minute it does change.

Hope your New Year's Eve went okay.

Thanks again

Allana

[Billw]

Thank you all again for your kind responses and inspiration..Happy New Year to all, we have made it through the holidays and are on the other side. Hoping for a great 2011. BW

[redwind30]

I have found that many days I have to take it "one hour" at a time. A whole day is too much to get through. I feel that I am running out of patience with myself. I need to be progressing quicker than I am. I have experienced so much loss over the years. I am afraid to "hope" that things will ever be any better...sorry to be so gloomy. I guess I am just really tired.

[Dimcl]

I feel that I am running out of patience with myself. I need to be progressing quicker than I am.

I've found myself falling prey to these feelings and thoughts, too, redwind, but I honestly think that I'm feeling the pressure from society about this. Glenn and I were together for 33 years. How I progress is a totally unknown factor. I've always prided myself on being logical, pragmatic, and objective, but that's not how I feel now. Problem is that my family, friends, and acquaintances don't know the "new" me. They only know the "old Di" and I think she's going away, at least for a while.

I think my frustration with myself comes from other people expecting me to be "better" (than what, I say), but also from my confusion at my reactions. I've come to realize, though, that this is a road I've never been on before. I have no idea what the terrain is, how many twists and turns the road has, or where it'll end up. I guess I'm learning to expect to get lost once or twice.

Please don't be too hard on yourself.

Di

[wmjsca]

Hi Billw:

I lost my love in October and this was the first holiday season and I thought I was doing fine until I started crying uncontrollably between Christmas and New Year's. I stayed home for both events because I couldn't stand being around happy, festive people. I am still very angry and envious of happy people. Some days it seems I'm making progress, but lately, it's been very hard and sadder than usual. I am trying to feel positive of new beginnings with the new year, but I'm getting sidetracked because Clint isn't here to share this new year with me. I agree that the good days outweigh the bad for the most part, but the saddness doesn't seem to lessen all that much. I'm hoping for more progress in the coming months.

[Billw]

Hi wmjsca,

I never realized when I was one of those happy festive people having fun and enjoying myself that people like us were suffering loss while we were having fun. This experience has opened my eyes to all sorts of things that I was oblivious to. I have found through getting out and putting my hand out to those around me I have actually run into people like us that have suffered great loss in the past months as well. I have had people put in my life lately by no accident (I believe), one of these people lost three friends in a climbing accident, another lost her husband to cancer, I have come across these people by getting out and talking to friends of friends and others that I never associated with before. We share the same bond as the people on this site.

As awkward as it feels at times I have put myself in places and taken some interest in something outside my own little world. My wife was very good talking to people and making friends easily, she was very outgoing could talk to people about anything. I have tried to start practicing that and it is getting easier. One sure way to get out of my own head and feel better is to listen to others who are having difficulties and walking through the grief daily. I relate to these people and their stories.

My first reaction was to draw the blinds, isolate and feel bad, now that has changed to getting up, moving around, and finding something to do or someone to talk with. Exercise has played a huge role in my recovery. Finishing projects my wife and I started is something I promised her before she died, they are all either finished or in the works. Counseling has saved me, I know I have beat this one to death but is has been very instrumental in my attitude towards living and moving through this. I feel better now than I have in months....this does still change minute to minute some days but I know what to do now.

I have rambled on long enough tonight, I care about each and every person here, you have all helped me through these days as well. I send positive thoughts and prayers your way....Take care and thank you all......BW

[redwind30]

I was starting to do better, getting out of the house and keeping myself busy. Really haven't gone anywhere to meet any new people, just trying to stay in touch with those that I already know. It would be great to meet some new friends, but I am not sure how to go about doing that at this point. But, the past month has been extremely difficult. Christmas Day was about as bad as it can get. I am trying to stay busy, trying to keep my mind off of myself. But it seems like it is getting harder rather than easier. New Years Day was much more difficult than I thought it would be. I have had a few days off of work, but I am due to go back tomorrow. Maybe that will help. It is good to know that so many of you are making progress...it gives me hope that someday things will also get better for me. As for now, it is still a terrible hurt that just does not seem to go away.

[Lainey]

SusieQ,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. It is wonderful that people are willing to help others, even in death.

My husband had more than one illness and not able to donate his organs. I truly don't know that if it would have been possible for him to donate the organs that I could have been strong enough to agree. I commend you on your strength.

Hopefully more people that read your story on this site will think about the possibility of giving also.

Lainey

[melina]

I have been posting here since this summer. My wife passed away from cancer in April of this year. I have been so lost and devastated from time to time that I didn't know if it was possible to feel human again. Something is happening lately, the fog has lifted slightly and I am starting to see the sun coming out again. I have been involved in some intense therapy since May and have started to reap the benefits lately. The feelings of hopelessness have been replaced with some joy and hope for better days. There are still days that the wheels fall off and the whole thing crashes down but it seems to get put back together quicker now. Christmas a week ago, yesterday my wedding anniversary, and tonight New years, I continue to work my way through these tricky times and come out the other side (with all of your help). Each time this happens it strengthens my hope for recovery from all of this. If you are new here or are having a rough time please know that it is possible to feel o.k. and we will recover. Today is a good day so far, who knows what the next day or even the next hour will bring. I have to remember to live in the moment and try and be patient and kind with myself. Thank you all for helping me....BW

Billw and everyone,

I lost my husband to cancer in August and have been through utter hell - but I might also add, hell and back. Or almost back. I feel I've come quite a long way since he left. I still have trouble saying "died". Though Christmas and New Years was tough, I now notice a slight lift in my attitude and mood. I can go to work, I can take care of things at home and not fall apart. I can laugh with my kids. Sometimes I get aftershocks and feel miserable all over again, but these pass and I feel sort of okay again. I can't say I ever feel happy, but sometimes I feel okay, or not too bad. I guess that's all I can expect for now.

Thanks friends for being here for me since August. It's meant more to me than you'll ever know.

Melina

[Chrissie]

Sue,

Thank you for sharing Ron's story. I've always planned on being an organ donor and his story confirmed that I've made the right decision. I also commend you for being able to make that decision during such a difficult time. May God Bless.

Chris

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

On the matter of organ donation, you may be interested in reading this thread: Did We Make the Right Choice?

And Melina, I want to acknowledge your post and commend you for the remarkable progress you've made since you first joined our GH family. You've worked so hard these last several months and have helped so many others here too. We're all very, very proud of you

[Deb625]

Happy New Year! It is just so bloody strange to live in a new life where you wish time away as you simply can't stand the reality of being alone and coping in the new world. I just had my "normal" get through an event (Christmas/New Years) - a few days when you remember what it's like to do things and just be a regular person (not a widow) and then back to reality and the complete melt down sinking into the abyss of grief. lonliness and despair. I'm hoping that now the "firsts" are done (anniversaries, birthdays, holidays) that I can get a few more "level" days and sanity... Today is better than yesterday and still keeping just one foot in front of the other... Take care, Deb

[Dimcl]

How I envy you that your "firsts" are done, Deb. I've only accomplished Christmas and New Years and still have all the others to get through yet.

I still haven't been able to get my mind wrapped around the fact that "normal" doesn't mean the same thing as it used to. When Glenn died 2 months ago, I tried to keep things as "normal" as possible and it's only in the last couple of weeks that I've started consciously understanding that the "normal" that I knew before isn't "normal" anymore. There's the "old normal" and the "new normal" and although I recognize that, it's not something that I'm really ready to accept yet. I feel like I'm in a kind of limbo where my old life and my new life aren't marrying up.

I'm glad that your todays are better than your yesterdays, because that give those of us new to this journey a reason to keep on plodding.

[mfh]

I too have some more first ahead of me. Bill's first birthday since he died, first anniversary of his death coming in March...first spring without him...seems like every day is a first in many ways because nothing is the same and never will be. Your words all inspire me and also help me feel less alone. mfh

[Billw]

Made it through the holidays. Happy New Year everyone,

Yesterday was My wife's birthday. I still stopped at the same place on the way home and picked up a couple long stem red roses and acted as if. I know she still appreciates it. We always had a good time on our birthdays. It was a little rough at times yesterday. We will continue to get through these days and weeks. Every time I pass another "special" day, I realize that it hurts no matter what day it is, Tuesday hurts as bad as Friday or Sunday. My wife wants me to continue living. She also wanted me to remember her and I do that every single day. Part of what I remember is her strong desire to live life to the fullest and I need to live up to that for both of us. It is truly the highest honor I can pay her. I miss her desperately and know we will meet again some day, for now one foot in front of the other right? Have a great day everyone.....BW

[wmjsca]

Hi everyone,

I am relieved the holidays have passed; now I've got to deal with all the other 'firsts' without my Clint. Valentine's Day is coming and I have so many memories of how we spent that day. He always bought chocolates for all the 'ladies' in his life, myself; his mom, sisters, and others. He was such a sweet person. Everyone liked him and he had a pleasant demeanor. I know I'm going to miss him on certain days even more than others. I was in the store the other day and saw the Valentine's Day displays and the row of chocolates; those he would have purchased. I may just get one, just for us, to celebrate that day as he would have.