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Girlfriend's Father Passed Away!


Tom19

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Hi there, my names Thomas, I'm a 19 year old male and I'm from England. I came across this forum via a google search on grief and was reading a few topics about situations in which I thought were of similarity to my own, but thought if possible I would be able to post my own 'problem' and if anyone out there who could help me understand this situation better then I would be thankful.

2 months ago tomorrow it will have been 2 months since my girlfriend's father passed away. This is a man I've known for the last 2 years has me and my girlfriend have been together for the last 22 months, which seems a long time for a couple aged 19 and 17. I don't know if age has a part to play in this either which is why I thought I'd mention that. I also apologise if I've posted in the wrong section altogether but this is the one I felt most suitable.

Since my girlfriend's fathers passing things have changed massively within our relationship and I don't really understand what it is going on and what I should be doing to 1) help my girlfriend through this tough period of her life and 2) understand how she will be feeling about us right now.

Before the 22nd February 2011 things where going fine, we was happy, we would talk everyday and see each other a lot as we only live down the road from each other, now that past statement couldn't be further from the truth.

Since her Dad's passing she's become distant from me and at times I've felt lonely and like it was the end of our relationship. There's been days where we've gone without speaking and weeks without seeing each other (this was mainly around the time of the funeral which was two weeks after his passing).

Now things currently stand that we're speaking but not seeing each other. I'm trying to be patient but in ways it annoys me and makes me think whether she really wants me anymore when I hear nothing from her or she doesn't want to see me. Since Friday I've tried to adopt a new approach to things and that I've stopped getting in touch with her and let her get in contact with me, which she has done everyday since Friday but still, we haven't seen each other since Friday and she's shown no intention of wanting to see me despite texting me. Also on Friday, when I leave her she would normally give me a kiss and we would say I love you but this didn't happen and all she said was see you later, which I feel understandably upset me a little.

At the end of the day I'm looking for guidance and help in what the right thing to do is which will ultimately firstly make my beautiful girlfriend who I love so much feel better and secondly give us the best chance to let her see how much I'm trying to help her and for her to come back to me and be as normal as a person can be after losing someone so close.

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Hi Thomas,

I'm taking the liberty of moving your topic to another forum, in hopes that doing so will connect you to others whose circumstances more closely resemble your own ~ and if you haven't already done so, I hope you'll take the time to read through some of their threads. See especially

Gf's Mother Has Brain Aneurysm

The Love of My Life's Mother Passed and She Left Me

My Girlfriend Broke Up with Me after Her Mother Died

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Thank you for helping me out with regards to where my article should have been placed, sorry for misplacing it, obviously being new to the site I didn't have a idea of where to start! Also thank you for putting me towards those articles, I shall have a sit and read through them now.

Just to let you know my girlfriend and I seen each other today, the first time since last Friday. I picked her up from work and afterwards we went back to hers. We sat there and watched tele, not on the same sofa but opposite chairs, but we spoke and she laughed a bit, which is nice to see. Right now I don't want to rush things, despite how much I miss holding her and falling sleep with her close to me. When I left I kissed her and said "love you" she said it back but still it's not the same, it's never going to be same I guess, but right now, it's all about her, which I understand now.

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Hang in there, Tom, you aren't alone...in fact it seems this story is pretty common, unfortunately. My own fiance broke up with me when his mom was dying. I guess it hits people a whole lot more than you'd think, and it seems to take it's toll on relationships. Read through the other threads and you'll see what I mean. Some make it and some don't, and only time will tell. All a person can do is try to be understanding and patient, and be there for them if they'll let you, no pressure. It's hard, it's really hard, I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation.

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I've read through the other topics that are similar to my own and in a way it makes me feel better when I'm feeling crappy about things, if that makes sense at all? Like in a way that I know what's happening is normal and that things are far from over but that for now I just have to be patient and hold on? I didn't ever once think it would be this hard, but it is so very hard to get by, which in turn must be 100x worse for my girlfriend right now!

We caught the bus home together today from work, we spoke a little and she said that she would text me later tonight if she wanted to see me, but she did tell me that they're sorting some of her Dad's things out and so I just replied "Yeah sure, it's fine if you don't have time". Obviously I'd love to see her but I feel I'm doing the right things by not putting pressure on her right now.

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Well yesterday my girlfriend ended the relationship. She said that she has changed since her Dad passed away and that she just doesn't feel like it's fair on me that she can't give me enough time as she wants to and she couldn't stay with me when I was the only one trying in the relationship. She said that she still loves me to pieces and that she wants to be friends still if I wanted to and that we should meet up soon and sort things out. I texted her today asking if she wanted to meet up but nothing, no reply, no nothing. I haven't texted since and I'm trying so hard not to try and get in touch again until she comes to me. Everyone seems to think that she'll come back to me in time but I just don't know what to do anymore, my heart aches and I feel sick all the time. She was and still is the best thing in my life, I just want to talk right now but there's nothing I can do to make her and trying to do so will only push her away.

I'm asking for your help, I need guidance and support from people who have been through this and come out the otherside stronger, anything that will help me understand and feel better would be greatly appreciated.

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How I wish I could help you understand, but alas, I do not understand it myself, and I went through the same thing. You cannot control the outcome of the relationship, only your focus, attitude, and response. I would definitely respect her wishes and do not contact her, wait for her to contact you. You cannot change her mind by reasoning with her, professing your love, none of that works because when someone is grieving, they are basically out of their mind and not the same person you knew. If you beg, cajole her, etc., it will come across as needy, not a desirable trait, and inflict pressure on her, which will only cause her to withdraw more. The best thing you can do right now is focus on yourself and your recovery...because basically love is akin to an addiction and you will go through withdrawal and need to recover. Focus on yourself as much as possible, do things you enjoy doing, work hard, spend time with friends and family. For right now try not to be alone too much...it's when we're alone we tend to mull over things and you'll do that enough, you need to make effort to try not to. My heart goes out to you, I really know what you are going through. My fiance broke off with me 8 1/2 months ago when his mom was dying and after she passed away he contacted me again, but only as a distant friend. He talks on the phone with me but doesn't spend time with me and has not been back to my place since he broke up with me. Just Saturday he told me I had broke up with him. ???! Like I said, they're out of their ever lovin' minds! I even have his goodbye note he FedExed to me back then. Try to remove any reminders of her so you aren't constantly triggered. Pack up any stuff she might have at your place, get it out of your sight. Either drop it off at her place, or put it in the garage or something. From everything I have read, it is best to "go dark", not avail yourself to her through text, emails, etc. for a period of time...I think it's been suggested a year. Jim and I were only out of touch 2 1/2 months, but being on the other side of it now, I think I understand why they recommend a year. It gives you time to heal and it gives her time to miss you and see what her life will be like without you. As long as you're still there on the sidelines she can put off thinking about what her life will be like without you in it. The "being friends" is not recommended, and believe me, after trying that, trying to be understanding, etc., I now see why they say that. If you are available to her it lessens her need of you and prolongs your recovery. I know the temptation to stay in touch, believe me I know...our heads tell us one thing and our hearts tell us another. Ultimately the decision as to how you choose to handle this is yours...it's later on when we look back that it's easier to see how we should have handled it. There is a site called LoveShack.org with a section on breakups and reconciliations...you can go there and read or post your own situation and see what they say. There are some experts there that give some good advice (easier said than done, I know). Good luck to you, I know this is so hard, I'd rather go through anything than this heartbreak again.

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I really don't want to remove things such as photo's right now, I feel like it's too soon and tbh, I just don't feel like I can do it. When we broke up we was together only for around 5 minutes, and we both just said that we would arrange to meet soon and talk about the situation properly and so I'm rather stuck as to what to do at the moment. It's been 2 days since I've heard anything from her and tonight is the first time I'll be without friends with me and so we'll see how I get on!

I want her to talk, I want her to come back to me but I really don't know what to say or do right now. I've not texted her or anything but I just feel like this whole decision to end it was wrong but I guess I understand why she's done it without fullying understanding if you see where I'm coming from?

Thank you for replying and pointing me in the direction of further advice, I really want to be with her but it's something that she might change her mind on in time.

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I totally understand where you're coming from and I still have a picture of my ex-fiance on my checkbook cover...I removed the one in my wallet last week, I tell you, it's hard, and you have to do things as you feel it's the right time. I only said that because 1) they need to know their action/decisions have consequences, they can't have it both ways, and 2) having things around that trigger us makes it harder on us.

I put things away but still have them, they're just out of sight so I don't have to have my heart sink in my stomach all the time. To be quite honest, it's still tough although it's gotten slightly better, I don't cry anymore but I think of him a lot and so many things remind me of him and it still hurts. I still see this all as so senseless. I lost my sweet soulmate/husband to death, so I know a thing or two about death and grieving...and I wouldn't dream of pushing away those closest to me, I wanted them all the more, so it's hard for me to understand this reaction, but there's enough people going through this that tells me this must be fairly common...unfortunately. I'm sure some make their way back together...in our case, I haven't seen any such sign of him desiring that. I wish you the best and hope you have a desirable outcome.

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I so want to get in touch with her! This hurts so bad. I constantly feel sick and I just want to cry all the time. I've heard nothing from her since she dumped me despite this being nothing to do with me? I'm trying to stay busy but sometimes I end up on my own and time just seems to stand still now. Sleeping is becoming a problem with me waking up all the time, last night I woke up 4 times!

I walked past her work today, which was hard enough!

She said we should talk but she hasn't even got in touch and I just want to get in contact with her!

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Just a quick update, thank you by the way 'kayc' for replying, it's been very helpful to me.

Today things were tough again, I came home after work at 12 and just went to my bedroom, I cried a little and then went sleep for a few hours. My Mum woke me up and then I went out for dinner with my family, although I came home half way through as I couldn't eat anything and was feeling down. I then picked up a card and wrote a little message in there for my girlfriend. I went round to her house as she was at work and seen her Mum. She asked what was going on so I explained it to her, she just said that she thinks she'll be okay given time. Anyway I left her card and easter eggs that I had brought her with her Mum who said that she would pass them on to her when she got home from work.

At 7:20 this evening I received a text from girlfriend, she didn't say much just "Hey. You got work Friday? x" I replied with just "Hey. No I haven't. x" She didn't text back afterwards and I still haven't heard anything back at the moment, this being over 2 hours now. I don't know whether this is a good sign or not, I really don't know what to think about it. Should have I said something else? Who was that okay what I replied? Should have I asked what she was asking for? I really haven't got a idea but I'm trying to learn how she's thinking by constantly reading different topics on here everyday! Although due to the time difference between here and where you're it's always just me online! Haha.

Thank you for reading my post if you do, and any help is greatly appreciated.

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Hi...well the only thing I would have done different is added "why?" that would leave it open ended and show interest in her thoughts and prompt more discussion. To just give a quick reply closes the discussion. There was some reason she was wondering, aren't you curious? Was she wanting to meet up with you? At any rate, she'll contact you when she's ready. I've been trying not to call Jim and leave it to him to call me...first of all, I want to know if he misses me, and second I don't want to appear needy.

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Well we spoke again today and it wasn't really what I wanted to hear. She texted me this morning saying thank you for the Easter Egg, and I asked her about why she texted me yesterday about Friday. Anyway she replied saying that she wants to meet up so we can sort stuff out and to give me my stuff back basically. So I'm guessing it's pretty much the end, done and dusted, I feel like rubbish and I can't cheer up! I just feel like ringing her now and saying can't we just get this out of the way and do it now! Just waiting is making me hurt more, I want to talk, she's not even explained things to me! I just don't know what to do anymore, it's affecting me so much.

She's so cold to me, so distant, I feel like the past two years have meant nothing at all to her. I was mad and frustrated and so I said that I wanted to talk and that I was hurting, she just replied "Don't be like this please"

I want her, before her Dad passed away things were fine and we was in love, now I feel like she doesn't even want to know me! She'll go out with her friends, family etc but not me? Why? What have I done that's so wrong?

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To add, a question for you kayc, how long have you and Jim not been in contact for?

Also, I left her a text earlier "Sorry for earlier. Your pain is far more than mine and I'm trying to understand. No matter how much I hurt, your pain must be 100x worse, I can't even imagine the hurt of losing a parent could bring. I'll always be here for you x"

Was I wrong in sending that? Will she be mad? The main thing that really does bring me down and make me think is that she seems to be okay with everyone else! But not me.

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Jim broke up with me Aug 10, over 8 1/2 months ago. We had no contact for 2 1/2 months, then he started calling about every other day, now it's slowed down a bit but we've only seen each other twice in all that time, at his initiation. He has thought about asking me out but hasn't acted on it. He's given me some mixed messages. I don't think he's real clear on what he wants. I've had to shut off emotionally to protect myself.

I know all too well what you mean, Jim is still friends with his friends, close to his neighbors, sees his family, etc., it's only ME he's cut off. Maybe he felt he couldn't keep up with our relationship with all he was going through but I don't understand completely breaking up, things had been good between us, it just doesn't make sense to me. But so many respond this same way, it's not uncommon.

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The fact she's been in touch days after surely counts for something then? Even if it was just to sort stuff out, we'll see each other and hopefully we'll get to talk. Fern's Mum texted me last night so I asked how Fern was, apparently she was very upset yesterday after they picked up her Father's ashes. Her Mum just told me to give her time and she'll come around, how I wish she'll be right!

I just want tomorrow to hurry up now, I want to see her, I want to hear her voice. Even though I haven't a clue what to say!? Every night I dream of her, dream of us.

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It's hard to say how it'll go, but I hope things work out for you. I wish I understood this, but I don't.

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It's over, forever. How can she just dispose of me so easily? She can't even talk to me, yet I've been there for the past two years. Her friends just told me that she was mad because I went round her house on Tuesday to drop her Easter Eggs off, even though Fern texted me the next day saying it was fine that I went round. I can no longer cope with this, she's gone out with her best friends tonight to get drunk in town, why is it she can go out with them but can't even talk to me? And apparently now she's going horse riding with her family tomorrow so I doubt I'll get the chance to talk to her tomorrow either.

But that's it, I'm not going to try anymore, I'm going to detach myself as much as I can. Tonight and the next few weeks are going to be so hard, but it's got to be done. Her friend said she'll get in touch when she's ready, and so I'll just have to wait, but I don't get why it's just me that's been treated so badly, I was there for her, I supported her and now she's moved on already it seems. I'm never going to understand all of this, I'd like her to come back to me but I don't feel like she will anymore. Her friend said that she doesn't want anyone else but doesn't want me anymore. I just want to crawl up in a ball and cry, she meant so much to me, she still does.

I know I should be more sensitive during this time but what's she doing isn't fair, and it's mean and cruel.

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I'm sorry, Tom. This sounds exactly like what happened to me and I don't understand it either. Everyone was allowed in Jim's life but me. I wasn't allowed to bring him a meal or a hug or anything. I was shut out. Even his ex-wife was allowed over, his friends, his neighbors, pastor, kids, everyone but me. Well if you ever figure it out, cue me in. You're doing the right thing by trying to detach to protect yourself. Do not call her, let her make the next move. Understand it may be a long while and she may not come back as anything but a friend. Meanwhile, you need to get on with your life. I know, easier said than done. You will cry, there will be triggers...places you went, songs you heard, even things you ate, things she liked, movies you watched together, but eventually the power of the triggers will lessen and this will all be more palatable. Update us when you feel up to it, okay? My best wishes for you...

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Thank you. Of course I'll come back here and keep you up to date with what's going on and how it's taking it's toll on me, but for now it's time to wipe it all away, it's the only thing that can be done. It just hurts to see that she is seemingly doing everything else she normally would except spend time with me. Take care of yourself and if you end up understanding things, just let me know so hopefully I can go the same way. I'm not going to wait around for a call because if I do that I know it's not going to come and that will just eat away at me. I feel that purely because she's been so busy just lately with things that she hasn't had time to think but that's all just if's and buts and it's something I can no longer spend time pondering over in order for me to recover fully. There's many things I'd like to ask her but right now isn't the time. I'm just going to leave her to it for now. She goes Ireland on the 9th May to bury her Dad's ashes, was thinking of giving her a text before she went, just something along the lines of "Hope everything goes okay in Ireland and you give your Dad the send off he deserves. Thinking of you. x" But that's 10 days away anyway and so anything can happen between then and now.

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Jim was his mom's caretaker and her weight was down close to 50 lbs before she died, so he knew she was going, so his grieving started before her death and that is when he broke up with me. When she passed (I heard about it on FB) I sent him a hand made sympathy card and let him know I was here if he wanted to talk. He called the day he got the card and talked for 3 12 hours, mostly about his mom and what he'd been through the two months prior. Still, he never saw fit to rekindle our relationship. I stopped hoping a couple of months later when I saw what it was doing to my emotions. We can be kind and caring to them, but we really do need to look after ourselves first. (If they send us over the edge, we wouldn't be any good for them anyway, right?) Good luck in your journey back to sanity, I hope your recovery is quick and as smooth as it can be. While we don't know what the future holds, we can't hold our breath, either.

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I feel weird right now, I haven't heard anything yet I feel okay? I haven't cried and I haven't really been down despite being on my own all day. Even though she planned to see me so I could get my things and stuff I haven't heard anything from her so I haven't bothered going to fetch it, in order not to annoy her. I woke up with a new mindset, no contact, not even with her family or friends now. If she wants me, she'll come to me, time and space is what we both need right now. I'm going to play football with friends in a hour and so that will keep my mind off things for tonight, although I still wonder what's she doing and if she's thinking of me too, it's not as bad as it's been in the past. This past week I've been a mess and I've let my emotions get the better of me. I feel like I've been selfish just thinking about me when she's suffering to cope with the loss of her Father, I'm sure she knows that I love her and care for her, and hopefully she'll come around given time and space. My fingers are crossed anyway. I don't know if this means anything but she hasn't changed her Facebook relationship status but then again that's probably just me looking into things too much.

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Good for you! That's just what you need to do, spend time with your friends, keep busy. That's one of the first things Jim did was delete his status, so the fact she hasn't, perhaps that's a good sign, perhaps she hasn't thought of it. Jim has not indicated in any way that he's missed me but his daughter says he's always checking me out on FB and he does call me. but he's never said "I miss you". I find that odd. One time I was saying something to him about how I'd cried and he wouldn't know about that and he said "You don't know if I've cried or not..." that's all he'd say, leading me to believe he had, but I said, "well it's a lot different if you're the one in control and caused the crying." Anyway, I just think we're better off not letting on how much we care and letting them make the moves...or not. But not putting our lives on hold either. We can't sit around and wait, we have to protect ourselves and be happy.

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After I came home from football I felt a little down but nothing major, looked at our pictures and smiled at them instead of crying. I think it really gets to me when she does something like update her Facebook status or something. One of her friends added a couple of pictures from last night, Fern looked so beautiful. :( I know that she's at work today, and that she'll be back at College on Tuesday due to the end of the Easter holidays so maybe just maybe once things have gone back to normal for a little she'll get back in touch, not just for me to pick my things up, but to talk and maybe get back with me, but I can't rely on that anymore. Anyway I'm off to work today and so hopefully that will keep my mind elsewhere for a good 7 hours! She hasn't said she misses me or anything else just yet but it's still only been 6 days, and everyday excluding one (which she texted me) there's been no real contact.

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Fern texted me today whilst we was both at work, it seems she's only got in touch whilst she's been working, not sure if this means anything at all! Anyway basically she just said that she was sorry that she couldn't see me yesterday and that we should meet up in the week so we could sort things out and I could pick my stuff up. I replied, I don't know if I should but I did, I kind of regret this now. I just said hello and that it was okay and that I hope she had a good time and that she was doing okay. I don't know if I should have said anything at all as she didn't text back.

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