April_the_Cruellest Posted May 2, 2011 Report Share Posted May 2, 2011 I just lost my husband and I feel I am in hell!!! People keep asking me how I am doing...Well how does it feel to be stabbed thousands of times in the heart! "April is the cruellest month." And I am bound to this stupid waste land, tossing and turning in agony at nights, and walking like a living dead pretending, "I am fine. Thank you!". No, I am not fine and I don't think I will be! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 2, 2011 Report Share Posted May 2, 2011 You came to the right place. We are all in the same boat here and support each other and we don't ask how you are because we know you are feeling hollowed out and just awful and that you will for a long long time. I lost the love of my life husband of 25 years one year ago and believe me I know the pain and the emptiness....I did not believe anyone when they told me it gets better. I can't say it gets better yet but it changes. Waves come in and knock me off my feet each day yet but I recover more quickly....People here WILL support you and will NOT judge you and will understand your pain. No one will tell you that "he is better off" or tell you that you look great or any of those sentences that tells you they do not know what to say or do with you. One day at a time....for me...sometimes one hour at a time. We are all here for you...I know that because everyone has been here for me all year. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted May 2, 2011 Report Share Posted May 2, 2011 That's how we all pretty much felt when our loss was new. I never imagined anything could hurt so badly and make me feel so out of control with fear, panic and sheer misery. This may not be any consolation now, but it will get easier. I still grieve after 9 months, and tears still come, but it's nothing like that way it was then. But you may not realize your progress until you look back. I joined this site just a day after I lost my husband, and it's been of enormous comfort to me - just having a place to wail my heart out and friends who understand. Sorry you had to come here, but this is a good place to come to grieve. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted May 2, 2011 Report Share Posted May 2, 2011 April_the_Cruellest, I feel your pain and hurt (my wife passed 2/14/10) as we all do here or have at one point during this journey, all grief is differant but one thing is not we have all suffered the passing of our spouse or partners in life, as that has happened that's the one aspect that is the same, Melina is correct things will/do get bearable and we "heal" at our own pace some quicker than others, there is no time line but there are things that make the day go better....in the first few days or weeks you will feel numb and as if there is nothing to move forward for, but something that helped me is faith and I thought about how Ruth would want me to move forward...a few things that will help is comming here as often as you need, eat and sleep when you can this journey takes a lot of energy and will/does zap your strength, cry all you can the more the better as crying is God's gift for us to heal, cherish memories and remember the days past keeping in mind the happiness you shared, exercise or physical activity is also a wonderful tool to ease the pain and allow your mind to escape even if just for a little bit anything helps, and for me prayer, putting things in God's hands was the most powerful thing that helped the pain ease because when I did that I began to understand Ruth is not gone she's just not present on earth but she is very much alive in the Kingdom of God once I accepted that comfort started to find me....take things slow and day by day as there is no rush just do as you feel comfortable....we are all here for you and fully understand your pain, read and post as often as it takes you will learn much from everyone...my thoughts and prayers are with you and I pray you find some level of comfort somehow each day..... May God Bless You NATS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LarrysGirl Posted May 2, 2011 Report Share Posted May 2, 2011 I'm so sorry for your loss. This site is this perfect place to vent and share and finally be understood. We all need the unconditional support and you will find it here. I know you are hurting and suffering. I hope you will continue to come here and let us help. Deborah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 2, 2011 Report Share Posted May 2, 2011 Dear April is the Cruelest...for me it was June, as it was Father's Day 2005. It is the hardest thing in the world to endure but given time to absorb it, the shock eventually wears off and we are still here. Life is never the same again and it's up to us to deal with this "new normal" we are given. I am so sorry you are going through this, just as we have. The pain is incredible but it will lessen eventually. (((hugs))) Kay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
April_the_Cruellest Posted May 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 6, 2011 It's been one week and I am still in hell. I went to the mortuary alone to sign paper work, select an urn, and see my husband for the last time. Then I returned to work 3 days after his death. Yesterday I went back to the mortuary alone to pick up his ashes. I almost shut myself off from the society. I don't need a dinner at a friend's house. No, thank you. I don't need someone to take me for a walk. No, thank you. I don't need someone to visit me and see my cry like a baby. No, thank you. I will not call back if I need help. No thank you. I choose to keep private and only let a couple of co-workers in the office know what happened. What can they do for me except saying something nice and watching me cry more? I guess I don't care anything any more. Job, health insurance, clothes, food, hobbies, entertainment... everything seems to be so empty.... I don't know why I am still alive! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne E Posted May 6, 2011 Report Share Posted May 6, 2011 So very sorry for your loss. There is nothing to say other than I am sorry. Keep in touch with us. Rant and rave! Yell and scream! Know that we are here and will listen. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 7, 2011 Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 Dear New Visitor I am sorry for your loss. I lost my love of my life 13 months ago and felt like I was in hell. I am glad you have a couple of co-workers that you allow into your pain. I have found that though no one knows what I feel, talking about my loss helps me. I sure understand how it all feels empty. I feel exactly that way. I take painting classes and most days I just don't care but I won't quit. Everything I do feels empty and pretty meaningless. We all have experienced that. Stay aboard this forum as we all accompany each other through the tunnels, over the obstacles, and through the tough days. No one here will judge you and we all understand. I also found a spousal loss group helpful...the most helpful people in my life are those who are also grieving or have recently. The rest try but lack the tools or experience even if they have the desire. Stay with us. mfh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted May 7, 2011 Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 It's been one week and I am still in hell. I went to the mortuary alone to sign paper work, select an urn, and see my husband for the last time. Then I returned to work 3 days after his death. Yesterday I went back to the mortuary alone to pick up his ashes. I almost shut myself off from the society. I don't need a dinner at a friend's house. No, thank you. I don't need someone to take me for a walk. No, thank you. I don't need someone to visit me and see my cry like a baby. No, thank you. I will not call back if I need help. No thank you. I choose to keep private and only let a couple of co-workers in the office know what happened. What can they do for me except saying something nice and watching me cry more? I guess I don't care anything any more. Job, health insurance, clothes, food, hobbies, entertainment... everything seems to be so empty.... I don't know why I am still alive! April_the_Cruellest, I know the exact same feeling as I did all the same for Ruth except view her one last time, I felt that would be to hard on me, I prefer to remember her laying in the ICU comforted with the cocoon they put her in, she was at peace and comfort, and I wish to remember that after myself, her daughter and a few close friends watched her heartbeat slowly stop, that when I kissed her hand and told her I Loved her and would see her in heaven her heart beat was present once more for a brief moment and I heard everyone say Oh my God she heard him....and then I left the room lookig at her thru the door and told her I would miss her and please rest in peace, until we meet again....... We do have a reason for still being here and the sorrow the Lord has placed on us to deal with but it's been done for a reason we just don't know why, and I prefer to look at that as being chosen for a reason....there is life after our spouses pass we just need to find it, some seek some do not...I am still trying to figure it out and the sad thing is I may never have the answers....because the quote in my sig is so true...."You think your life has changed, but life has changed you"..... keep posting and sharing it's a great resource during this rough time... NATS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
April_the_Cruellest Posted May 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 9, 2011 Week 2. Self-abandonment has led to deeper sorrow and greater pain. When I wander lonely and aimlessly like a ghost at midnight, how I wish a “careless” driver would end my sorrow! When I face a houseful of emptiness, how I wish a bottle of “mislabeled” liquid would kill my pain! In the end, I am still too much of a coward to end my insipid life. I don’t remember when I ate or what I ate. I’ve lost my appetite completely--the senses of taste and smell that I used to be proud of seem to diminish overnight. The only thing I still feel is pain, excruciating pain, on my broken heart. I don’t think it can be consoled by anyone or anything before I am liberated by self-destruction. Thank you for providing a space for me to rant but I will not come back. This is a place for people to grieve and heal, not for a wicked and wretched failure like me that there is no hope for healing and redemption. I do hope you all can get over your painful loss but it's not going to work for me. I don't know if I want to go to work tomorrow; I don't know if I even want to wake up tomorrow. It doesn't matter any more. I was dead on the same day when my husband died! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted May 9, 2011 Report Share Posted May 9, 2011 Dear One, I sense the despair and hopelessness in your words, and my heart goes out to you tonight. I know that it feels as if you died along with your husband, but the fact is that you are still here, and you have many, many people ready and waiting to care for you and support you through this awful, challenging time. I don't know if you will return to see this post tonight, but I want you to know that your voice has been heard. Since your husband was on Hospice of the Valley's service, I am familiar with all of the support that is available to you through our Bereavement office (in addition to what you've found on this Web site), and I hope and pray that you will be open to all that we can offer you. You are not a wicked and wretched failure ~ you are in the deepest "dark night of the soul," the very heart of grief. We've all been where you are now. You are not as alone as you think you are. We are here for you! First thing tomorrow morning, please, please consider picking up your phone and calling our Bereavement office, 602.530.6970 ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 9, 2011 Report Share Posted May 9, 2011 All of us have felt what you feel and we hope you will come back and allow us to share your journey. You are not a wicked and wretched failure....you are in deep pain...a pain we all know too well. I joined a spousal loss group sponsored by Hospice and it helped to share my load with others who were in pain. This is a journey that needs to be shared. I hope you will come back. I will watch for your posts. Also do call the number Marty gave you...she and the rest of us all know this pain. It helps to share it. It really does. mfh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lainey Posted May 9, 2011 Report Share Posted May 9, 2011 Please come back to this site, we're all here to help you through the horrendous pain you are feeling right now. We probably all have had the same thoughts in this journey, but survived it. Don't give up on yourself, let Marty and this site help. Lainey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
new Posted May 9, 2011 Report Share Posted May 9, 2011 April, I understand how you feel. I felt exactly the same way and still do sometimes, but not as often as the first 2 months. I am in my 3rd month since the loss of my husband. I still don't know how I've made it this long but I have. I get up each morning and get through the day & most days can't wait for it to be over. I actually had 3 days where I had more happiness than sad this past week. I thought I would never feel that again. When I was where you are it was unimaginable, but it did happen. I am not over the loss of my Jeff and I never will be. We met in high school and were together for 35 years. He is my one and only and always will be. My life is so lonely without him and there is no one I can talk to like I did him. He was my best friend. A co-worker suggested that I write in a journal. I write in my journal every night and then I can sleep, most of the time. I write him a letter to tell him about my day and I always end it like we ended our day with,"I love you, goodnight". I also write in it whenever I am upset and need to talk to him. I talk to him a lot when I am home or in the car. Life is different and all of our plans are suddenly gone. My husband was killed in an accident and I had no chance to say goodbye or a last, I love you or ask him how to take care of things. I truly wish I had had just 5 more minutes with him but it wasn't to be. I have been angry, I question the existence of God and if there is a God how could he let this happen. It doesn't make any sense and I had to give up on trying to make sense of it because it doesn't exist. I'm not convinced that it ever will. I kept telling myself that I can't do this because I truly felt that way and still do at times, but I am doing it. I too have lost my appetite, I've lost weight and have little interest in food. It's hard to go shopping, I don't want anything at the grocery store and I don't want to eat out. When I am feeling really bad, it helps to read the posts on this site, because no one else gets it. I hope you will keep reading and know that you can do it. It isn't easy for any of us, and we never dreamed we would have to learn to live with this tragedy. But we are learning to. Pat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deb625 Posted May 12, 2011 Report Share Posted May 12, 2011 Please know you are not alone in your despair many felt the same as you do, and grieving is what we do here. You have suffered a traumatic loss and that is so devastating. You've probably learned, a heart can actually feel pain when it has been broken (I had never felt such pain until I lost my Michael May 16th 2010). I don't feel there is a loss that compares to losing a spouse as when they are taken away in an instant we loose our best friend,our lover, our roommate and our closest family member - we lose our other half. This is not something you will "get over", it is something you will slowly get through. Try to take time, take support from anywhere you can, tell us about your husband, and don't be afraid to post here anytime... We do understand what you are going through and will help anyway we can. Try to be gentle with yourself, try to eat, sleep when you can, drink lots of water. I'm so truly sorry for your loss. Take care, Deb Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 12, 2011 Report Share Posted May 12, 2011 You ARE grieving and all of us are also. We have all felt what you feel and no, we don't get over it, we learn somehow to live with this new reality that we did not invite into our lives. The pain is excruciating, the silence deafening, the emptiness beyond words. We have each other here and some of us have chosen to work with grief counselors, get support from friends but in the end...it is each of us facing a nightmare. We are all here for you. You are not a "wicked and wretched failure"....you are grieving a horrendous loss. Stick with us. mfh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maryo Posted May 14, 2011 Report Share Posted May 14, 2011 I am so sorry for your loss. The first few months are the hardest but you will get through it as many of us on this site have. It is a great support group who have helped me through the hardest nights. I miss my husband after almost 3 years but I did survive the first few months and so will you. Baby steps. Tears are part of the healing process. Take care. Mary Lou Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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