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Struggling To Form New Identity And Direction


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I lost the love of my life last November... so the anni is coming up. I'm still devastated. I still have no sense of who I am anymore, or what the purpose of living is. I can't see any sense in working, helping people, waking up. I just don't see any purpose in anything. I've been so frustrated in getting therapy, as I keep not having enough money to attend. i know I need it regularly... but I haven't been able to afford it. my life has been so sh*t since she died. So much stress, not enough money, wavering from one emotion to another. I feel broken. My life seems to be broken and like there is no purpose in anything. It's weird because I am usually a highly motivated person, with a passion for helping people... and now- I don't give a sh*t about anything, or anyone. I am just so hurt. So lost... and it's taken me this long to even think about looking for an online support group! Derrrrr.

Why does life have to be so hard! Enough agony!

So sorry to introduce myself in such a mess of a place. I need support. I am acutely aware of that. i am hoping people here can offer the gentle understanding I require.

One day I hope to be able to live again, and see there is a reason to keep going! Right now... i'm so unsure why!

It hurts so deeply. :blink::huh:

LOH

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I'm so sorry for your unmeasurable loss. I lost my husband of 34 years this past July so I'm not really able to offer anything other than support and understanding. You'll find a great group of caring, compassionate people here. Sending hugs of friendship your way. Peace and love, Pam

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Dear LOH

Finding the essence of yourself again is one of the hardest things - almost as hard as saying goodbye to the one who made it all worthwhile.

I'm still struggling after two years to try to find a real meaning for getting up every day. For the moment, just getting up and getting through the day and keeping special people close in my life is my goal. I'm pretending to be the person I used to be - maybe that will help me 'come back'.

Feeling broken is exactly the way to describe it - and all breaks take time to mend in some fashion.

I hope you come back here often - it's not clinical therapy but sharing with others who really understand can be good for the soul...Susie Q

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LOH,

Well you've found the right place to come to and it doesn't cost anything. This is a very good caring group of people who've all gone through it. What you are experiencing is so normal for the circumstances. I think the motivation and purpose in life is one of the hardest things to get back. I'm not sure I'm entirely there yet but I'm a whole lot better than I was in the beginning.

I am very sorry for your loss. Anniversaries seem to serve as a reminder, as if we need reminding, it's never off our minds anyway, but it does seem to trigger some reactions in us. Maybe try to plan the day with others and not be alone?

My thoughts are with you...

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Hi LOH,

I am truly sorry for your loss and can identify with you. My first anniversary will be 10/22 and although I don't feel totally depressed anymore, the sadness remains. I can only tell you that if it had not been for my concentration on school and caring for my son, I don't know where I would be. My love meant the world to me and I was so tied up in our relationship. I may have given away a bit too much of myself, though--but I guess I retained enough of who I am, myself, that I wasn't totally destroyed. But I still ask 'why me'? And why did he have to die? This entire month will probably be difficult, and I will just try to take one day at a time. I hope you can find a friend or hobby; something to give you meaning for your own growth. We will never be the same, I don't expect to be the same person because I'm not. You're different, too and it may take a bit longer to find out where your place is without your love. But you do matter!!! Keep coming back to post with us. We'll be here. Take good care.........

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Dear LOH,

I welcome you to this wonderful place we have here. We all go through grief different, and in a different time it takes as well. I know you pain, and all the emotions you are feeling. I lost, my wife, best friend, soul mate. And lover on 2/25/2011. This has been different for me then I think many others on here. Pauline had MS, for many years. Because of that we started making plans in the mid 90's as when the end came. So for me we had many years to talk about any, and everything that she wanted to happen when that time came. Because of her MS I was her soul caregiver for many years. About 7 months before she passed, and at that time we did not know that in a few short months the MS would burn like a wild fire and take her down faster than anything I have seen, I told her if, and when she passed I wanted to become a nurse. Every time a nurse came in whether it was for wound care, that I took care of, the wound nurse came in once a week, but they all told me I have what it takes to be a nurse. I set a goal to go to school and get started in that part of my new life. I have lost this summer to many, health problems, from being a long term caregiver, which they say is 4 years and longer, it takes a toll on your body, that you do not even know is happening until it is over.

If you can try to find a support group in your area for grief. I go to the hospice, that took care of Pauline for her last 3 weeks, she was at home, so I did the most work for her. This hospice group is free and they have a meeting every week in 1 city and 1 town that I go to eery week. That is a very good place to start. I find it very helpful to talk face to face with people who are going through the something I am. Other than that dig deep inside you and never give up or give in to this grief. Keep fighting every day, even if it is only to get out of bed, and move from room to room.

I wish you the bests, keep coming back and write out all the emotions that you feel. This is a very great and a great blend of people on here to give and get the support we all need so bad.

God Bless

Dwayne

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  • 3 weeks later...

It's been hard to come back, because so many emotions. In just a few days, it's her birthday. I am not doing so well. Feeling pretty lost, devastated, trapped in many ways.

I wanted to say thank you for the love and care you have all shown me, and such a warm welcome.

Some days I feel strong, and others just totally a write off. TODAY IS A WRITE OFF DAY. - oh well... at least there is another tomorrow- I guess. Although at times it's hard to know why tomorrow should even matter.

I am slowly trying to do things that help, that begin some form of making a new life- but it all feels so hollow. And the isolation does not help at all. And I got myself into a new relationship- and it's been hard work and drama. I am existing that now. I don't even know how to talk about any of that, and how it came about. All I know is that this new person has not allowed any room for my grieving, and even is 'scared' of my old partner! She f'n dead, and she is jealous of her. Go figure!

ah.. breathe is the moto for day. just chill and breathe. I quit my job yesterday in such a state of overwhelm. need to figure out what I do now.!!!!!!! I have so fallen apart... and then I get things together a bit, and it all falls apart as I fall apart in deep grief again. I am sure my Lynx would be devastated to see how much I am struggling with the loss of my love, my soul mate, my best friend, and the only person who has ever REALLY understood me so deeply and perfectly. It was a match made in heaven as the expression goes. A far cry from the relationship I have been in recently.

I'm so sad. I miss her so much. and I hardly know how to even grieve this from here. Acceptance is the goal. Finding ways to move forwards with meaning in life again is the other goal.

My compassion to you all as you walk this painful pathway,

LOH

(I'm sorry that i am not in a place to be able to do much supporting of others right now. I know that will change, but right now- I'm an empty vessel in need I guess. Hard to accept- but it is the truth of where I am at. )

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LOH.......never to worry about not supporting others, no expectations here on this site.......since I have joined this group have had nothing but great support and encouragement.....and your feeling overwhelmed...... we all feel that at times, just check out my blogs...just recently felt like I could deal with no more pain.....and things have improved...at least for today! My best wishes to you and come back here and talk as often as needed.........it has saved me.....Dave

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LOH,

I know it seems like a lifetime since you lost her, but it hasn't been a year yet, it's still relatively soon in the scheme of things. Please don't have any expectation on yourself, we all grieve in our own way, in our own timetable. A part of us grieves forever...but that doesn't mean five years from now will feel the same intensity that it does today. The missing them goes on but I guess in a way we get kind of used to it. I don't think we ever learn to like what's happened, it just is what it is and we deal with it. The one consolation I have is that at least it's me going through it instead of him, I'm so glad he didn't have to go through this.

Please come here whenever you want, voice yourself if you feel like it, but don't worry about being a support to us...sometimes us just being here for each other is enough, we understand each other. My best regards to you.

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LOH,

I understand, you feel, the need to get into a new relationship again. After all we are social animals. But I think being short of one year is way to soon. It is better to find new friends that let you be you. Cry when you feel the need. Tears are really just a way of showing the great love lost, and a release of feelings. Hospice does have a free support grief groups all over this country. I try to get to one once a week, and it does help. You mite want to contact your local hospice, and find out what they offer and when. As Kay said we all go through grief different and at a different pace, than anyone else does. Go easy on your self. You will get though this grief someday or progress enough so that you can get back into the land of the living again. Then you will be ready to find someone else if that is what you want to do. For now eat healthy, get rest, and go easy on yourself.

God Bless

Dwayne

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yes, hello. i lost my husband of 20 years. we had your ups and downs but our love always pulled us thru. so that means our love just grew deeper and deeper. i lost him on july 3 and i too am lost without him, his humor when things were down, his wisdom when something was overwhelming,his love for people around him.he suffered for many months with the illness copd and then all of a sudden he had a massive stroke. it was so painful to see him go thru that i thought i was going to die wth him, i was devastated. now i`m trying to put my life back together. all the things i`ve read it says be kind to yourself, do what you need to do for you. my husband told me before he died when i asked what would i do without him, he told me i just don`t want you to give up. so i try to remember these words when i get totally down and i try to do what he would have wanted me to do. pray god gives you and me the strength to not give up. sharon

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I disagree, Dwayne, in that some people are ready for a new relationship fairly soon and some are not, but it's an individual thing. I would just encourage you to be cautious and choosy...make sure if you do enter a relationship that you are ready, and that you've made your grief effort beforehand and you now have something positive to bring to the table instead of the baggage we can so easily bring if we're not ready yet. I would choose someone that understands about grief and loss and isn't so insecure that they're jealous of the deceased partner. Perhaps a widow would be understanding, having been there themselves. The one thing you do not need is drama and stress to deal with, you have enough on your plate already. Many people have mentioned being kind to yourself, understanding, etc., and that's really important. Treat yourself as if you're #1 in your life, you'll need to give priority to yourself for a good long while. :) Normally I wouldn't encourage anyone to get into a relationship right away because I think we're not in the right frame of mind to think clearly at first (I know I wasn't and I made a huge mistake big time! I'm paying for it now) but I know some people who have entered a relationship really soon and it's worked out great so we have to be careful not to assume we know for others or judge their actions.

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Hello LOH and Friends,

Just my thoughts here on the relationship aspect being that I have been in a new one for over a year now and Feb. will only be 2 years since Ruth passed, for me/us it was something that just happened, the main difference is my new "Love" is also a grieving spouse and I contribute that to part of our success and acceptance of each other fully and unconditional, LOH I would also as kayc mentioned proceed with caution we are all very fragile during this process, I/we have and it's most healthy not to rush...another important thing to remember is you both need to be comfortable talking and keeping your spouse in your new relationship as we will always have that gut wrenching feeling of our beloved spouse passing and we know the pain it's unforgettable indeed...let your heart guide you and take things at your pace there is no time table for this journey....

NATS

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Dear Kay,

I believe that you miss read my first line in my post to LOH. I said " I understand, you feel, the need to get into a new relationship again. After all we are social animals. But I think being short of one year is way to soon. It is better to find new friends that let you be you " I did not say it was a good idea. Because I don't. To jump right into a relationship is a big mistake, especially if your loved one lost was as deep of love as Pauline and I were, and still are. Just because her Human body is gone, her spirit lives in me, and all around me, helping guide my path into my new life.

In the early 2000's Pauline had a woman name Lisa that came in, in the mornings, she left about mid 2008 for another job. That was one of my reasons, to leave my job. Pauline's last 6 months of her life, she told me over and over, that when she passed, that some how Lisa would try to get into my life and want to come live with me. I told Pauline not to worry that she was her friend not mine. I always treated Lisa with respect, but that's it. Wouldn't you know around the first part of May, I got a call from Lisa. I was pleasant, and respectful, during the call. She asked how I was, and after I talked a little, I asked her how things were with her. She had been living with her boy friend of many years, for about 4 years now. Well she told me her and her boy friend broke up and she was apartment hunting. All I could here was Pauline saying, " Dwayne I told you so, she wants to come live with you.". Pauline's voice was loud and clear, as if she was sitting right by me. So I told Lisa, she could use me for references, for her apartment hunting. I felt like I dodged the bullet one that one.

No I do NOT think it is a good idea to rush into a relationship right away. I do not know if I will ever be in another relationship again. I would always compare the next woman to Pauline, and that would not be fair to her. The same would go if another woman did not want me to talk or grieve for Pauline.

The past couple months I have had women of all ages interested in me, and start talking to me first. It feels good to be found attractive by another woman, and even talk to one for awhile, but for now, and I do not know how long, that is all it will be. I have my GOAL, to meet first and foremost. Nothing will stop me now. Like I say, never give up or give in, because when you do, you fall so far down the rabbit hole, that you cannot even see the light any more. Keeping moving into the light of life again, is what we all try to do. It is very hard at times, and seems like we will never get there again, but if you just keep moving forward, one step at a time, even if you get knock down, get up dust yourself off and take another step back to life. That is my take on things. I have made a lot of progress, from the time I join this group. With all the help, people on here give, keeps me going, and reaching for my goal. It is so close now.

God Bless

Dwayne

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  • 3 weeks later...

Wow I am surprised to see the responses that post created.

I'm kinda lost for words, and really not sure what to say. Had a healing session the other day- and feel much better for it. Has me connected with life again. That's important.

I've decided to study again. Am excited about that. It's something Lnx and I had discussed I would do. So it's in her honour, as much as creating my new future.

I have also joined the SES (State emergency Service) now. It's great. Nice to meet people, learn, and help people. That's my two goals for the next 4 years. That feels good. Keeping it simple, but also involved and interested.

It's 11 days now til her passing. About to start a new job- am hoping to get the day off... Would like to go swagging that day. It's important to me.. and actually if I work, I will swag the day before and the day after! Feels good to have that figured out.

thanks for listening.

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LOH,

You will be surprised what you can learn here, we have many people wise in there own ways how to deal with the grief journey, we have a broad range of opinions and thoughts which allows us to adapt ideas and solutions to help our own needs...we all just need to keeep our minds open and receptive from the spiritual aspect, afterlife, and many other thoughts we each have...I find the most single best tool is positive energy and it takes no degree or title to figure that one out, if we are sad and closed minded everyday we will never get on with the life we have remaining, our departed surely would not want us drowning in grief for years... I am one who does use positive energy and am doing so by not being stuck in a constant grief pattern or way of thinking, I take each day one by one as if it were my last, being happy that I am moving forward yet still able to miss Ruth, and Love her in a new way...

NATS

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Dear LOH,

I am very happy to hear that you have set some new goals in your life. That is what I did , and it helps keep my focus on my future that, My wife Pauline wanted for me so much. To be able to move more into a positive directions, and not live in those final days of her life. I can see and hear it all so vivid, but I choose to honor her, by setting goals and making them come true. I have made one goal, that is to sing in our church choir and excel there, which I have. Now as we write and read our posts, I am waiting to hear about my funding for nursing school. I was told yesterday by my counselor that the director is going to review, and approve more applications today for re-training funding. I should get it, because, last week mine was one of about 40-50, that is still pending. It is a totally new start for me. But sadly one I was being trained for many years, taking care of Pauline. Giving her the very best care she disserve and needed. Was it any easy way to hone my skill, and ready me for nursing, no it was not. At the end having your heart ripped out, and you soul has shaken to the core. It took a lot of inner strength, to fight my way back into the land of the living, but I made it. Today I do my first Handy man job. My grief counselor at hospice started a list for someone you would recommend as a handy man. She put my name first. So my first job is not even from the grief group, but just by word of mouth, from a friend I had told about the list.

You keep going and moving forwards towards your goals, and you will make it. At times it will be hard when that wave of grief washes over you, but after, get back up, dust yourself off and take another step towards you goal. I wish you well, and may you find peace inside your soul.

God Bless

Dwayne

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LOH,

It's good to hear an update from you. This has been like a family of sorts to me, absolutely wonderful caring people, so transparent and helpful!

BTW, what is swagging?

Good luck on your new job! And joining the emergency team, that is a great idea, it will keep you busy and focused on something and channel your energy into a positive direction. What will you be doing? The company I work for does Hazard Mitigation Plans and Emergency Preparedness for states, parishes, etc. We have an office in Oregon, Texas, and Louisiana. I am not involved in the planning, I am an Office Manager and Bookkeeper, but it's interesting.

The anniversary brings up a lot of emotions, but it wasn't as bad as I'd thought it might be, I mostly looked at it as a feat, having survived the year of "firsts without", no easy task!

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