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Floundering


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Floundering

One day I want to do grief counseling .

On another I want to work with animals .

Then again painting pictures or better yet

doing nothing is appealing.

I thought I had it all figured out

life, that is.

We spent years creating our lifestyle,

our way of being and we liked what we created.

Now I have to find a new life (normal) and

it is a challenge, a frustration, a source of fear.

Where is this road leading me?

I can only see a few feet,

and even those befuddle and confuse me.

I am like a pot of popcorn cooking on the stove.

Someone removed my lid and I am scattering all over

looking for a safe and soft place to land.

My landing site has disappeared to another dimension

leaving me floundering on a planet that

does not feel user friendly.

Little did I know how much our lives

were intertwined, how what I did with my life

was so intertwined with what you did with yours.

OK, we both knew we were one soul

inhabiting two bodies and we both knew we did not want

to do life without each other at our sides, but

we each had our own friends, hobbies, jobs, interests.

Now…you are gone and I am left floundering alone

with part of me in a place

impossible to reach.

Nothing feels right

Everything feels empty, meaningless.

Where do I fit? Who am I now?

What used to feel sacred has lost its luster

I am hiking a new path

taking with me all were and all we still are,

yet struggling through tears, pain and confusion

to figure out what my life is about now

that you are gone.

I miss you so.

mfriedelhunt©2011

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I have thought so many of the same things. I don't want to go on without my husband. We planned to grow old together, and now, he is gone. It doesn't seem real. I hold his urn and am convinced it isn't really him. He is just out doing something and will come swinging in the door any minute. I don't know how to do this, and I don't want to. How do you keep moving through life when your soul is shattered and half of you is missing?

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Dear Debbie,

I am so sorry for your pain and loss. I understand...believe me. I am glad you posted. When did your husband die? It does get better. I never believed anyone who told me that but it does and it changes. This is a great place to be as people here understand and will embrace you and walk with you. Mary

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Dear Debbie,

I am so sorry for your pain and loss. I understand...believe me. I am glad you posted. When did your husband die? It does get better. I never believed anyone who told me that but it does and it changes. This is a great place to be as people here understand and will embrace you and walk with you. Mary

My husband died September 9, 2011. I keep thinking of ways to leave this world without it looking like I did it on purpose. I don't want to hurt anyone else in the process. I just want to be with my husband. We were married for seventeen years, and I love him more today that the day we were married. It's been like that for the last fourteen years. The first three years, we were like two bulls in a china shop. We didn't hit each other, but we sure did argue a lot. He was 45 when we married and had never been married before. I had been divorced for seven years. Both of us were very set in our ways. My girlfriends thought I was either really brave or really crazy. It was a little of both. We grew together and become one. Somebody read me a story about water bugs and dragonflies yesterday. I am ready to be a dragonfly. I don't know how to do this life without him, and I don't want to do it. I just want to be with him. I'm ready to check out the Hemlock Society. I have to get a will written first, so my son will have no difficulty. Please don't think I am being morbid, I just want to continue my life with my honey bear.

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Oh Debbie, how I get that feeling of wanting to check out, this pain is worse more than what i can imagine an amputation to be, well I guess it is an amputation of sorts, part of our souls have been cut out, as I believe Harry stated so well " without anesthesia". It will be only 5 months, on Sunday, since I lost Mike....so am not seasoned by anymeans on what to do on this journey, but was has helped me tremendously to come to this site often and talk to others. It helps to share my grief with others and to share in theirs, and to be reminded to take these days at times, 15 minutes at a time, if needed........Thinking of you...Dave

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Debbie,

It is an extremely difficult time. You are very raw right now and it is less than a month since your loss. I urge you to talk to someone about your feelings of wanting to die. None of us planned or wanted to live without our partners. We have all felt like we wanted to go with them. But your post sounded like you might benefit from talking to someone. It does help a lot. I do not know where you are but a local Hospice group has support groups, a church might have a list of good counselors who can help with your grief. I did both...and it helped a lot. Please do reach out for some face to face support.

A will is not going to help your son with the loss of his mom. Please do reach out for some assist. I did it and so did many others on this site.

Peace

Mary

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Dear Debbie,

I am so sorry for you loss. I welcome you to this great place we have here, where everyone has suffered a great loss. My wife Pauline passed on February 25, 2011. From end stage MS. She suffered the last few years, that I would not want anyone to go through. I was her soul caregiver. I also quite my job of 27 years to take care of her for what turned out to be the last 2 1/2 years of her life. I would not change a thing either. We were as one, one spirit, one heart and soul. The day she pasted I lost my wife, soul mate, best friend, lover, and my life. Now I am trying to rebuild a new life that none of us wanted.

Please feel free to come back and write whatever you are going through. We all support each other on here as we go through the waves of grief.

Mary,

That is just perfect. It catches everything we all have gone, or going through as we travel that new road in our new life. Very, very nice way to put our grief in terms we all understand. You are a very wise woman. Please keep them coming.

God Bless, Debbie, and Mary

Dwayne

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Dear Debbie,

I am so sorry. My wife and I had only slightly more time than you did--and we married late as well--but we loved each other more every day than the one before.

And then she was gone. I know your bleakness because it was my own.

But suicide never entered my mind as a viable option. It is not for you either. I know it feels that way just now--but it is not. Hard as it is, you have to go on. He would want you to.

So take a deep breath. And let it out. Then another. And let it out. Nice and long and slow--what they call a cleansing breath. Breathe in life and hope and the will to go on. Breathe out the pain and the hurt and the hopelessness. I know you cannot see a future right now, but it is there. It waits for you to make it real.

Eat good food. Drink clear water. If the bad stuff starts to overwhelm you, make a call to a suicide hotline. I don't know where you are, but the Samaritans are everywhere. Go online, get their number in your area and call them. Do it now--right now--so that when you need that number it is right there where you can grab it. the rest of what I write here will keep long enough for you to get that number.

As soon as you can, you need to see a grief counselor. Call your local hospital or hospice. They can set you up with someone. We can help you here to some extent, but a trained grief counselor can give you much more.

That is not to say we don't want you here. We do want you here. We will all wrap our electronic arms around you and give you every ounce of support we can. Tell us your story--all of it--from first blush of love to final chapter. We will listen. We will cry with you. Someday, we may laugh with you. But this family will embrace you and love you without condition. To quote a favorite writer: shared sorrow is diminished; shared joy is multiplied--that is what we do here.

We need you here. Now that we know you--even to the small extent we do--your death--accidental or otherwise--will diminish all of us. Stay with us. Please.

Peace,

Harry

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Dear Debbie,

It seems to me that you are signaling to us that you're having suicidal thoughts, and if I'm wrong, please forgive me for misinterpreting your words. If that is the case, however, please know this:

When we are in the depths of grief and our pain is fresh, we usually have the pessimistic belief that things will never get any better, as if life and living are useless. Thoughts of suicide are not unusual when we are grieving. It is difficult for us to imagine life without the person we have lost, and we may feel a compelling need to join or be with the person who has died. Nevertheless, there is a vast difference between thinking about suicide and acting upon such thoughts. In grief, thoughts of suicide are usually fleeting and reflect how desperately we want the pain of loss to end.

The sorrow of grief is not the same as clinical depression. A mourner looks outside and sees the world as poor and empty, while a depressed person looks inward and sees the self that way. Depression is a treatable illness. If you are concerned that you may be clinically depressed, I urge you to consult with your primary care physician, counselor or clergy person as soon as possible. You may need medication or in-person counseling, or you may need only to be reassured that your feelings are within the normal limits of mourning.

Debbie, if despite everything you've tried to do so far and despite everything you've read on this site, you still feel no relief, I want to encourage you in the strongest possible way to seek professional help. If you feel you are "coming apart," no longer in control, isolated with no one to turn to; if you are turning to alcohol or drugs to cope with stress; if you feel hopelessly depressed; if you feel suicidal, call someone immediately. If a trusted friend, relative, clergy person or counselor is unavailable or unable to help you right away, choose another option: Dial "O' or 911. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-8255. Call the National Suicide Prevention Center Hotline, 1-800-784-2433. Visit this Web site: If you're thinking about suicide, read this first

As I hope you've gathered from all the responses you've received so far, there are many wonderful people here who stand ready and willing to walk this grief journey with you, Debbie, and we don't want anything to happen to you. Please pay attention to the messages we are sending to you, and know that you CAN get through this, with a little help from your friends ~ and the members of your Hospice of the Valley Grief Discussion Groups family. We are here for you. You are not alone.

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Dear Debbie

I guess you can gather by the responses so far that you are not alone in finding the path ahead -without him - a seemingly impossible road to follow. I know that feeling well, as do so many others here.

But what you can take away from this site is that each of us has somehow managed to see another hour and then a day out, and then another day until the days somehow make weeks and months and years. Two years for me.

It's so very hard, every day, no question about that. But if we can do it, so can you.

Your boy (no matter what age he is) needs you and you must hold on to that thought when all else fails.

I wish you some comfort and encourage you to come online here when you need or want to. People who truly understand because they KNOW how you feel can keep you going ....Susie Q

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Mary,

You're an expert at using your creativity to express your grief. That is a gift. Your paintings, your poetry - use them! I know that like me you've reached a plateau that holds you prisoner, but I figure that sooner or later a path will open up and we'll continue traveling. You know I'm here for you.

Debbie,

I had the same thoughts as you when my grief was raw. I was married nearly 28 years, together with my husband - my best friend and soulmate - for nearly 30. I even talked about suicide on this site, and probably scared everyone. But I also have sons, and seeing their pain and grief made me realize how selfish it would be to rob them of their mother as well as their father.

If nothing else, think about your son. Take it from someone who's been there, this urgency to leave this world will pass. Your husband wouldn't want you to abandon your son or leave your life.

What helped me was to see a grief counselor. She's been my rock through this whole mess. I began seeing her the day after my husband's death - started with twice a week, and now I'm down to once every two weeks. It helps to pour out your feelings to someone who's stable and heard it all before.

You can use this site too, but it also helps to talk to someone who is not in the depth of grief as well and who can lend you a hand and pull you up.

Hang in there....

Melina

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Dear dear Debbie,

You can see how people reach out and embrace you on this site. I am so glad you found all of us. We do hold each other up when days are tough...every day. I hope you have reached out and used some of the phone numbers and links that have been offered to you. I can't say enough about face to face support. Sitting with another human being who is skilled in grief counseling and/or surrounded in a support group by others who are dealing with the loss is so helpful. You CAN make it. If I made it, you can. I NEVER believed I could survive the loss of my husband. I did not want to. yet, here I am months later...still here. Yes, I am still dealing with this loss and will forever but it changes...trust that. I send you warmth and support. Mary

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Dear All on this site,

Thank you for your love and warm words. I saw a counselor yesterday and shared my thoughts with her. She told me that an enlightened person she knew many years ago told her that when it is our time, there is someone there to guide us to the next experience. If you go before it is your time, there is no guide, and you can get stuck somewhere. My intent is to be with my honey bear. If appears that I can't do that until my HP decides it is my time. I am grieving deeply. I have warm supportive friends who keep calling and showing up. I have a busier social calendar for the next week than I had before my love passed. He WAS my social calendar.

I'm writing mainly to let you know I am okay. It seems I worried you. I'm just talking out loud, instead of just in my head.

Thanks.

Debbie S

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So glad to hear you found someone to talk to and that you have such good friends. My counselor told me that my grieving was necessary as it is "therapeutic" pain. It's only been a little over 3 months since I lost my husband of 34 years and I don't think one hour goes by that I don't think of him and miss him with every cell in my body. Keep in touch with us as we all lean on each other. Love, Pam

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So glad you have a grief counselor and that you are able to own all your feelings and also stay safe. We are all here for you, believe that! Mary

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My dear Mary, from another Mary, thank you so much for that beautiful poem. It touched me so much. Your words are always so wise, and I appreciate that also so much.

Debbie, my heart so goes out to you, your grief and loss is so new, I so understand some of the emotions you are feeling right now. Please know, from someone almost 21 months out from the loss of the person that I thought would be there forever, it will get easier, it is never like it was before, but it will get easier. Where you are now, you cannot believe that, I could not, but trust me it will happen. This place is a great place to come for support. Sometimes I do not check in for days, but I always know the group is here for me. I have close friends that I spend a lot of time with, who have also lost their spouses. They are a lifeline for me along with this group. My 2 friends, Tom and Dana, and I spend at least one night a month together, sometimes more often. Especially Tom and I (he was the best friend of my younger brother in high school) spend a lot more time together, as Dana after 2 1/2 years is in a sort of relationship with someone. We and our spouses were all friends, and members of a very small community theater group.....and they were all relatively young. Dana's husband was 48, Tom's wife was 60, and my Michael was 62. All passed of different reasons. Seek out people who have walked the road you are walking, that is my advice. Also grief groups, one on one therapy, and of course this great group on this site, who have bucked me up many times. Will be thinking of you, and praying for you.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas.

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Mary, thank you for saying that my posts are helpful. Sometimes lately I feel like I do not fit in anywhere, have anything to contribute or say and best to keep my mouth shut. I think it all flows from my emptiness and lack of interest in so much of life.... These are new feelings for me to wrestle with....so I appreciate your feedback. Thank you. I always look forward to your posts also....Mary

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Debbie,

Welcome to this site...it was my lifesaver and these people are wonderful. We've been where you are, I think most of us didn't want to go on when we lost our spouse. It's not that we didn't want to live, but we didn't see how we could under the circumstances. We wanted to be with the person we love. I believe we will be someday and that hope keeps me going. As Mary said, it does get better. If you read our beginning posts you would see we have been there. It does help to talk to someone and I'm so glad you found someone to talk with.

Mary,

I loved what you wrote, it was beautifully written, you are very articulate. Thank you for sharing with us.

Kay

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