My Turn Is Gone

[kayc]

My son is proposing to his GF this week. As I watch them starting their lives together, I am so very happy for them, I couldn't be happier. They deserve this, they've waited a long time for the right person to come along. They go together so well.

But they are just starting out their lives, they will get good jobs, buy or build a nice home, have children, live their everyday existence together. I was there once. The closer they get to fulfilling their dreams, the more it hits home to me that my time has passed me by, it's over, now I'm in a different phase. The living alone/infirmities/struggles/aloneness/waiting for death phase. God that sounds horrible! There are some my age that still have their husbands, still make plans, go on trips. They don't know the day to day struggles that are mine to live with. They don't know what it's like to have ALL of the chores/decisions/financial obligations fall to just you. They don't know what it's like to sleep alone. They don't know what it's like to have holidays come and go, no different than any other day, because you're doing it alone. They don't know what it's like to have the spark gone out from their soul. We try to stay busy, spend time with a friend, get through the week as best as we can, but it feels like just busy work, still, there's no real joy. You put on your best face, try to look on the bright side, but the brightest side there is is still dull compared to what you had before. Where is my best friend? The one I told everything to, the one that believed in me, the one that was my biggest fan? Where is the one I did things with, the one that held me and made me feel all was right with the world? And how do I survive without him? I've been doing it, 6 1/2 years now, why is it I feel time took some of the edge off but no more? I am too young to spend the next 30 years alone, how did I end up like this? How do I get through this next year without him? I wouldn't mind any of the struggles if I had him to go through it with. How do I do the rest of this time?

[marsha]

I don't have the answer either, Kay, but you've just articulated pretty much what I've been feeling.

[mik]

I am so fearful that this will be my life as well....I will watch as others have each other and I have nothing but time to be alone now. I miss him so much!

[Dwaynecg]

My Dear Friend Kay,

I haven't been on much the last few days. I have been sick. It breaks my heart to read this on how you feel. You have been my rock. You are still young, just not a youngster, not many of us on here are in our early years.

I know the feeling about being alone, while other people our age still have their spouses. I could see that train coming down the tracks for years. Each day just a little bit closer, a little louder, until one day it stopped. It had Pauline's ticket waiting for her. I kissed her good bye, told her I loved her, she told me she loved me too, and boarded that train. It pulled away, and after the smoke cleared, there was another train, a big conductor said " are you coming on board kid, or are you just going to stand in the rain for the rest of your life? ". So I got on board. It started off slowly, building steam. The conductor opened a door and told me to get some rest. I started to asked a question, but he said there will be time for that latter. I slept for it seemed like days. I woke up hungry, and there he was at the door with my favorite foods. He said after you eat we will talk. I ate everything, and sure enough I finished the last sip of coffee, and here came the conductor. I asked him were are we headed? His reply was, any ware you want to go. We will take you and help you get there.

Kay, I know that, this was just my story, but it is one I believe in with ever fiber of my being. NEVER GIVE UP or GIVE IN. We do have someone that loves us, and helps us everyday. I know HE has me. I just help Pauline's Aunt 87 years old move from the East coast to the West coast, to start a new life again after the loss of her husband. Out there she has sisters, who wants her to be with them, so we all change as life goes on.

Just BELIEVE in yourself!!

God Bless

Dwayne

[ksbeachbum]

Dwayne

Your analogy was on target . However with my own analogy I feel like a vehicle with only two wheels as the other two have been stolen from me.. I normally have the ability to move and go forward or backward but it is now very difficult with the loss the the two wheels. I will have slow movement if at all until the car is whole again with those four wheels. Sometimes the car is just stuck...without the missing wheels and even if I could go anywhere I wanted to go I don't even know where I would go without being whole again, with all four wheels. The question and answer remains with "How do I become a whole working vehicle again?"

I have been exposed with new surroundings, new friends new part time job yet I yearn for some familiarity of my old life.. I continue to try to run away from it all..but in the end I can't, my old life is over and he is still not here with me any way you slice the pie.

As my father used to say...pull your boot straps up and stand up tall and get on with it. It was a hard pill to swallow but I know that this needs to happen. Enough of my pity pot..I will survive.

Becky

[LarrysGirl]

Kay, I was just thinking this morning, I wonder if because I yearn for him, I long for my life with him... I wonder if my body has been listening and responding as I'm physically going down hill. There is no one to help. I could try to let it all go, the memories, the love but my heart wouldn't believe it. I don't want to get worse physically but I don't know how to change any of this, its a train wreck. I worry more for my dogs than myself. Deborah

[mik]

Good words..I know Dragon would say the same..pull yourself on put on your big girl panties and deal with it! Thank you for your words.

Kim (mik)

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Becky,

The answer lies right in front of us, but most of us fail to see the answer. It is not going back, to what we had with the love of our life. It is taking their soul, their spirit, into our new life. They are with us every day. I know this, I feel Pauline around me all the time, I even hear her say things to me if I listen very carefully. I let Her help guide my life, my new direction, and I tell you I could not be any better off. I miss the Human contact, but we still have that spiritual we shared for all those years, that will never be broken. Do I miss Her, yes, Do I Cry for her Yes, but after all that, I still have a great peace inside, a gift she gave me. That no matter where I am , no matter what I am doing, I am NEVER alone, Pauline is always right with me, and inside me. That alone gives me great strength to move forwards in life, with a smile on my face, just like the day I met HER. This last week I have been real sick, and I had 2 things I had to get done, both real big projects. The second one was getting Pauline's favorite Aunt moved to California. I took her and her Niece to Boston airport early Saturday morning. I came home went right to bed. I wasn't sleeping yet, but I could feel Pauline next to me, the warmth of he body, I could her breathing as she slept, this is the second time this has happened. I did not move for about 10 minutes, and when I did, she was gone, she was just letting me know how pleased she was in me for taking care of her Aunt. It made me happy all day.

So yes we can go on, even though our car has only two wheels, your loved one has the other two and he is there with them. Trust in him that he will help you move on into you new life. He will always be with you. He really never left, only the human body left us, not the real them, their soul, spirit, they live with us, always and forever.

God Bless, My Dear Friend Becky,

love Dwayne

[kayc]

Some of the responses here left me feeling like my feelings are devalued and I don't deserve to feel this way. That's not the case. I know it's been a long time since George died and I think one of the reasons it's harder for me right now is I have new losses to deal with that stack up on top of the loss of him...it's not like the loss of HIM ever leaves. Losing my job/livelihood, and my impending loss of home leaves me feeling very uprooted...I've been here for 34 years in this place that I love. I, like Deborah, feel my greatest concern is my pets, I want them with me and cared for, they are not just possessions, they are my children/family. I cannot expect those who do not love animals as we do to understand. In addition, I feel too old to start over.

I commend Dwayne for starting back to school at his age and pursuing his calling. I just don't seem to have a calling nor do I feel I want to tackle something like that at my age. I think it's wonderful that he does but I just feel done, the energy sapped out of me mentally. Dwayne, I'm so sorry you've been sick! I had noticed your absence on this site and had hoped you were just busy enjoying your vacation from school and spending time with Donna and Greg. I hope you're well now and feeling 100% better!

Incidentally, my son took his GF into the wilderness to Spirit Lake in Oregon and proposed to her yesterday...he got the ring out and before he could utter "will you marry me?" she cried out a very resounding, "YES!!!" I am very happy for them. I guess it's just the contrast to all of the hopes and dreams they have that show up the stark reality of my life having lost all it's hopes and dreams and realizing I am on the other side of all that now. I was there just 11 years ago as George and I were beginning our lives together...how fast it went.

Deborah,

I am very concerned about you...could it be you are living a self-fulfilling prophecy, not wanting to live and so your body is taking a turn for the worse? PLEASE see your doctor regularly if you aren't already and if they aren't helping, please see another doctor for second opinion/evaluation. We don't want to lose you! And the fate worse than death is getting incapacitated so that we live with constant infirmities/pain and have no more ability for quality of life. Yes, please FIGHT to stay in good shape so you can be here for your dogs, they need you and we need you! Deborah, you are especially dear to my heart as we have transcended this journey together for so long, so please don't let your body succumb to whatever is going on within it. Call me any time! If you don't have my number anymore, message me...my cell phone doesn't work at my home and since that's where I am now, you'd have to call my home number. Take care of yourself, okay?

I love you all, I don't know what I'd do without this place.

[ksbeachbum]

Dear Kay.. I want to apologize if my previous postings caused you to feel devalued.. not my intentions at all. You are not and are a constant source of wisdom for me. My father was a strong willed individual and whenever I feel down deflated and can't/don't want to go on I hear my father's voice telling me I can do it and get on with it. My father has been deceased since 2008 and that was his gift to me my whole life. Survival skills and the will... I was just rambling not meaning anything by it. Please forgive me for my lack of empathy.

Dewayne: I wish I could say I feel my spouse with me all the time or any time. I just don't have that gift. I believe that I am open to that but nothing. Is it because you and Pauline talked about what she wanted you to do with your life before she left this earthly place? We did not have those discussions because we were going to beat the disease and get on with our lives. I have no idea want he wanted for me without him in it. I would give anything for a replay and have that conversation with him but that will never happen.

Becky

[DebbieS]

I am so there. Even though I now have two puppies plus my big boy cat to take care of, I am waiting to die and hoping it is soon. I want to be with my husband. Okay, before somebody panics, I am talking about someone else taking me out, not me hurting myself.

Thanks. It helps to know I'm not totally nuts. Even if I am, I don't much care at this point.

[kayc]

BTW, Debbie, what is a Zumba class?

[teny]

dear kay it has been a long time since my last post. almost 6 years for me and can not get familiar with my new life. Im sorry you feel that way but I must tell you that I also have many bitter days.I do wish the new year to bring some hope to all faraway friends here.as you know Im not that easy with the laguage I would like to expres my feelings and let you know how much you realy helped me when I joined this site .Please find your courage again.love your faraway friend.Teny

[kayc]

Oh sweet Teny, your words mean so much to me! I feel beaten down, I know. I don't feel bitterness, but more like there doesn't seem to be any hope or anything to look forward to. Right now there is just too much going on in my life...I only work one day a week, will lose my home, feel very alone, and to top it off, my mom is nearly 90 and completely nuts and we're trying to figure out what to do with her when she won't cooperate. It's a bit overwhelming. I need help packing/moving but my friends are too old and my kids too far away. I keep wondering what is going to become of me and my pets. I know this is not what George would have wanted for me. Somehow I need to find some peace in this crazy world. I know you're in Greece and have your own situation, but here is the United States, everything has gone nuts. No jobs, the ones who are fortunate enough to work have more expected of them and less hours to do it, less pay for it. We are taxed on everything. There isn't a politician anywhere that seems to grasp reality and know how to deal with it. Our jobs have all gone overseas and illegal immigrants abound. I just wonder where this is all headed...and at the same time, I don't want to know. Our homes have become worthless and the market is glutted. It's all enough to make we want to crawl under the covers and not come out.

[DebbieS]

It is a kind of exercise/dance class with latin music. At least, I think it is latin music. I am going to my first class on Monday. I will let you know.

[kayc]

Cool! I hope you have fun!

[DebbieS]

If hope i have a fatal heart attack during the class.

[hendrixx2]

Hi kayc,

Sorry to read you are in such pain, you have expressed many of the same thoughts and questions that occupy much of my time these days. For myself I have only begun to deal with the churning emotions they bring to mind. Those emotions surrounding the fact that yes, that special voice is not here and you feel the pain of that loss. Having to deal with all the decisions, make all of the choices, determine which of the various ways to best deal with a given situation...I can only imagine how, even at 6-1/2 years that pain can still strike a spasms of fear and uncertainty. These can be overwhelming when you have almost always had another voice to respond, to go over the finer details of things with, no matter how large or small. At least that's how it's going for me. Being so raw, I can only share with you what I have started telling myself; that the price of having the blessing of my partner in my life is that I must be willing to accept that at some point, I may have to deal with these things. Moreover, in the scheme of life, I have had a turn (mabey not my only one!), others must have their turn too. It sounds so simple, so trite when put like that, it doesn't take into account the accompanying memories, hopes, joys, promises and emotions that are involved. This may just be my way of dealing the present wave of grief, mabey its something i'm using to get through till tomorrow, I really don't know. Just something to help us escape this feeling of dread and loss all of the time.

What i'm trying to get at is that I can relate to where you are, and I wish for answers for you. As I said those same thoughts and questions are pummeling me now and there's no answer for me in sight.

praying peace for us, all of us

[kayc]

Fred,

I realize others must have their turn, I would not deny them that, I am beyond ecstatic for my son, I really am. It is just the stark contrast has hit home to me that my turn is gone...it is that sinking in, that realization that my life with it's hopes and dreams and LIVING is over. It's been 6 1/2 years for me and in that time I have tried, really tried, to live again, to build something, and yet here I still am, no further than I was before, maybe a little wiser, but alone and seemingly without purpose nonetheless. Maybe it's the losing my job and eventual losing of my home adding to the mix that is making it all hit home to me. Where others are starting out with all their hopes and dreams and promise of love...my life is quite on the opposite end. It is as Ecclesiastes says, there is a time to live and a time to die. God I know that sounds melancholy, and I don't mean it to be, but rather matter of factly, it just states what is. I have watched people get older, go to assisted living...where once they were part of a hustling bustling family, raising kids, working, planning their weekends, now they live alone in a little room, their possessions diminished to bare necessities, no longer participating in active sports and family meals, now with a walker or a cane, counting their hours by when they take their meds...it's sad, but it's part of existence. It's like the full cycle of life and death is eventually a part of it. We raise kids to be self sufficient and they leave home and ARE self sufficient, and we feel the loss. We give our all to our spouse and intertwine our lives, and when death comes for one of us, the other is left really feeling it.

Yes as someone put it, put on your big girl panties and deal with it. Well I've been "dealing with it" for 6 1/2 years now, I can't say as it's gotten any better, the only remedy for that would be George reincarnate, but we both know that's not happening...the coping gets better, in the beginning there is such raw pain we feel we can't bear it, but eventually it settles into a dull ache, and then finally we're just left with our changed lives, we rarely cry any more, but the change is forever and we continue to know and feel it. We've just had to live with it. We don't have a choice but to deal with it, no one asked us if we wanted to, there's no option, we still have to breathe, still have to get up in the morning, still have to go to work (if we have a job), still have to eat and clean and shop and mow the lawn. But sometimes we feel as if we're just going through the motions of life, like we're in a scripted play, and we're playing the part of a robot. We find something funny and there's no one to turn to and share it with. We feel an ache inside of us and there is no one to cuddle up with and hold us. We make something wonderful to eat and there's no one to enjoy it with us. That is what we are left dealing with, what we are left feeling, whether it's year one or year ten.

[melina]

Kay,

We're about the same age give or take, and in the last two years I've had two sons marry, and the youngest (my "baby") is in his first relationship. I'm so happy that they've found happiness - and not just in romantic relationships - but also in other areas of their lives. In just a couple of weeks, my third son is off to study in Australia for a year. He's looking with joy and anticpation toward the future. My youngest will be off to Japan for a year of study in about a year. Second son and his wife are planning to do humanitarian work in Africa for a year. My oldest and his wife are probably planning babies. Whatever path they take - it's about looking toward the bright future still ahead. All the dreams and possibilities.

As much as I'm happy for them, I'm also a bit envious. All the opportunities they still have ahead, while mine have either been used well, screwed up (a lot of those), ignored or have disappeared. I also feel like I'm in this weird place: Too old for freedom and exploration, hope and anticipation. Too young to sit waiting to die. So what to do?

Are there no new opportunities for middle-aged people apart from golf, cruises and TV? If I'm to be denied my husband, I might as well be completely free - no strings. Even backpack around the world. But all these obligations we've got. Work, mortgages, people who need us, pets who need us. What is there to look forward to here? How to break free?

Melina

[mfh]

Metteline,

I have had those same thoughts. I know that if I want to venture out there to some new unknown life...I have to sell my home, live at risk financially, deal with Bentley (my pup who would have to go with me wherever). Sometimes I see myself making some outrageous changes and realize that I have to let go of a lot again. I am not prepared to do that. Where would I go? What am I passionate about? (not much at this time). I can only imagine that as you are a bit younger than I, that you would have lots of thoughts like this and more.

Sometimes it appears that staying put, surrounded by friends, is best and safe...and an opportunity to actualize my potential to be kinder, gentler, more giving....

It is all a mystery to me at this time.....but I do understand the wonderings.

Mary

[kayc]

Melina,

I don't know, I feel the same way. I feel like I'm just passing time...until...what? I don't know. It doesn't really feel like living.

[Queeniemary]

I also feel like I am just marking time. I have a nice life, good friends, loving family, my house is paid for, I am retired with reasonable income, but none of it means a lot. It almost seems like I went from a person with a future in front of her, to a person whose life has mostly passed her by. I go through the motions, but a part of me is just marking time.

I am passionate about nothing, I do enjoy some things, such as reading. I still do community theater, and that does consume some time, I spend time with friends and family, but then you come home, and no one is there. AND this is not a matter of wanting to be married again, I just want to be married to Mike again. I want things back like they were 2 years ago, and see him walk into the house from his night shift at the jail, and let Sassy one of our corgi dogs lick all over his face. I want...what I will never have here on this earth again, Mike.

I am not miserable, I do not sit around and cry, I even laugh and have fun sometimes, but that something is always missing, Mike.

Like you, Mary, I have thought, maybe I could move to a different place, do something.....don't know what. However, just the logistics of selling house, packing, etc.....and just how much better off would I actually be? All my family and friends are mostly here, so why do I even think about this. I think it is because, I know my feelings of marking time are not going to change in the current situation, so maybe if I shock my system by totally changing things, maybe I will feel like I have a future again, .....

And in the meantime, I will do nothing and just wait. I am 66 years old, I may have to wait a long while.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[mfh]

When I read your post, Mary, the first thought that literally popped into my mind is: "Wherever you go, there you are." I can only ever even think of leaving here if I was going TO something not FROM something. If by some miracle a cause that was of great deep passion to me came up that after trying it out for a while from right where I am demanded that I move...I would go. But at 72, I really have no desire to leap off of a cliff unless I am sure I will sprout wings. I know that I can do good right here...I can become kinder, gentler, more caring right where I am so it would have to be something really unique and pretty well tested before I would give up what I have...friends, familiarity, great town.

Like you I keep busy. I publish my magazine, see a few clients (as my income is not adequate), laugh at jokes, attend events, read books....and it is all empty. I do not ever see marriage ahead...I had the best and am grateful for it. I see longing for Bill, loneliness when I open the garage door upon arrival home. I have bad days and ok days but joy is absent. So what about the future? I just do not know. Right now I focus on getting through today and looking ahead to 20 years of this emptiness brings forth a river of tears. So I know I need something I feel passionate about. I hope over time my painting will be part of that. I hope to find a cause that I really believe in...but I am not really ready yet.

I loved your post...honest...real...Mary

[sueblueuk]

I used to be a big fan of a group called Bread back in the day. They sang a song called Aubrey. There is a line in it that sums up how I feel about losing my soulmate:

i have learned to live a life apart from all the rest

If I cant have the one I want I'll do without the best.

Its early days for me but I know there will never be anyone to compare to him. I am going through the motions - as someone advised me - just keep doing the next thing. It is so hard and I am so grateful for this site and the people who contribute to it. I look at it morning and evening.

Sue