Looking For The Positives

[kayc]

Arlie will be stay with Rich for two weeks. After that, if I'm still not up to walking him, I'll take him down there in the truck so he can play in the yard with his dog, Sammy. That's my biggest hurdle, the other will be getting up and down the first couple of days. Rich will be with me the first day and I'm hoping my daughter the 2nd day, definitely the 3rd, but Rich will be a phone call away if I need something. He plans to check on me and start a fire in the fireplace every day, as needed. Since neither of us have anyone to help us, we kind of look out for each other.

[shalady]

Kay, just want you to know you are in my prayers. I know the coming weeks will be difficult and I hope you have a speedy recovery. Glad your daughter will be able to come and help. I am fairly new to this site, lost my husband in late Sept. I still find it amazing the strength I pull in from my visits here. Amid all of your health problems you still go on encouraging so many. I truly hope you feel all the powerful, positive feeling and concern going out to you. I too have a dog, a black lab named Zach. I truly do not know what I would do without him. Feel better.

Shalady

[kayc]

Thank you!

I wrecked my tailgate last night and am hoping I can find someone to fix it before I have my surgery...I will need it a couple of weeks later when I get Arlie back so I can drive him down to Rich's to get exercise in his fenced yard, I will not be ready for walking a 130 lb dog yet! Please pray I can find someone who will be able to fix it.

[shalady]

Sorry about the tailgate. Hope it isn't too bad. I'll say a prayer you're able to get that fixed, and soon. Things do have a way of piling on. You have enough to deal with right now. Good luck.

[kayc]

Thanks! I'm struggling not to feel overwhelmed!

[Queeniemary]

Kay, so glad that your friend Rich who is nearby, will be able to help you. It means a lot to have someone close you can call on. Thinking of you and hoping you get that tailgate fixed easily.

QMary

[kayc]

My son emailed explicit instructions and a diagram and I printed it and gave it to Rich...he was able to fix it in ten minutes. I was so happy! This is me, doing a happy dance!

[MartyT]

♥

[HAP]

Dear friends,

Some tentative good news: I went with my sister-in-law for her biopsy today. They still have to run the tests, but her surgeon says it looks like scar tissue and not cancer. Test results are not due back until December 22, so I'll only let out half a breath--but she is a bit less concerned.

Peace,

Harry

[MartyT]

Hoping for the best possible outcome, we will hold her in our thoughts and prayers, dear Harry ~ as we are holding you. ♥

[kayc]

That is good news, I hope that is the case.

[feralfae]

Dear Harry, I'm holding you and your SIL in my prayers and good thoughts until all the good news is in. I am glad to hear that she is able—and that you are able—to relax a bit after the initial diagnosis.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Queeniemary]

Fingers Crossed Harry! Your SIL will be in my prayers and thoughts.

QMary

[enna]

Yes, I believe that collective prayer is very powerful. Joining with the others, Harry.

[shalady]

Harry, very good news. You are both in my prayers and I am sending positive energy......

[HAP]

Dear friends,

Some good news on a couple of different fronts:

Jane's Dad is home from rehab. The cancer is still there but he seems to be responding well to the treatment. They came here for Christmas dinner.

Jane's sister's biopsy showed no cancer, just an especially hard ball of fat.

My late niece's daughter has been formally adopted by my brother and his wife and spent her first Christmas with them last week. She has a new bedroom that two of my brothers assembled earlier in the month.

I have the first five chapters of the grief book drafted--and a good start on Chapter 6.

I seem to have survived my first Christmas at home since Jane's death. Pieces of it have been difficult, but I got through it. I've spent the last three New Year's home alone, so while I expect it to be difficult, it is a known experience I've been through before.

Time to get back to work.

Peace,

Harry

[kayc]

This is a lot, but good news! So glad to hear it, Harry!

[shalady]

Such good news from so many. A great way to end the year and begin a new one. This will be my first new year alone. I will be thinking of you and many more here. Together we can make it through.

[HAP]

Dear friends,

I've gotten out of the habit this thread was meant to develop in all of us: looking for the positive moments in each day that happen even while we are immersed in the deepest grief. Sometimes those positives are tiny, almost insignificant things; other times, they can be shatteringly good; always, they are uplifting.

This year filled up from the beginning with new grief and new heartache--and each of those events called me back to the first days after Jane's death, sometimes for weeks at a time. I've been an infrequent contributor to this thread as a result of feeling overwhelmed too much of the time by the nasty things going on in my life. I've lost track of the number of deaths I've seen this year; I've lost track of the number of serious--potentially fatal--diagnoses friends and relatives have received. The constant emotional turmoil has worn me down.

It isn't that positive things have not happened this year. Nor is it true that I have failed to share many of those upbeat moments here. I just have not been regular enough in attending to them. Positive events are the real flowers in the garden of our lives. The negatives we sometimes obsess over are the weeds that can take over if we do not properly fertilize the positive moments--and do what we can to weed out the negative ones when they can be removed. Some, of course, are boulders that we have to work around in shaping that garden. Jane's death is not going to disappear from the landscape of my life, but my life has to be about more than her death. All of us here have similar boulders we are trying to live with without letting them destroy what our lives are really about.

I am not one for New Year's resolutions in general. When I find something wrong, I try not to put off fixing it. This decision that I need to make a change occurs now, not because of the New Year, but because it does. It emerges from a month spent living and reliving Jane's death and the days since then over the last month as I work on this book project. It is one of several changes I am considering that grow out of that experience--and some others that have nothing to do with that--not least of which is that my knee has finally recovered to the point I can get back to some serious walking.

Here then, silly as they may appear, are my positives for the last 24 hours:

1. I walked for an hour this morning. My knee did not swell or stiffen from that walk, the first time that has happened since I started walking again at the beginning of December. My legs and body are still more tired than I'd like afterward. A nap later seems likely.

2. I filled my nearly empty gas tank this morning for less than $20. I can't remember the last time I paid $2.199 a gallon for gas.

3. I finished the draft of the sixth chapter of the grief book yesterday afternoon.

4. I got to the bottom of the junk mail pile yesterday and paid the bills for the next month.

Nothing earthshaking there--just some nice things that happened in the last 24 hours.

Peace,

Harry

[feralfae]

Oh, Harry,

Your list of positives is comforting, homey, and human. How often we overlook the small good things that happen in our lives! Yes, maybe none of these small accomplishments or benchmarks will change things much, but they are a part of a larger picture, and in that picture, you are healing, moving along, and making progress toward your larger goals.

Bravo!

fae

[Queeniemary]

Harry, good news about your SIL, happy to hear it. I have good news also about a cancer scare, my former son in law does not have cancer, it is some type of new flu, that filled up his left lung with fluid. He is a very happy man today! As are we all.

You are right, Harry, we have gotten a bit away from the purpose of this thread.

My positives for yesterday: Had lunch with a friend in Berryville at a wonderful real Mexican restaurant. Watched "Frozen" with my granddaughter and her boyfriend. He has blond hair....with pink streaks.... Very nice young man, however, reads a lot, which is a big plus in my book.

Helped straighten out a mess a resigning board member of the Theatre Company had left. Although no longer on the board or an officer, my years in those positions (and the fact I have been around longer than most) make me a resource.

Today my positive is that I am looking forward to a NYE party with family and friends.

Gas in our town is 1.79 at last check....I am holding off filing gas tank, hoping to see it go lower even!!!

I am planning small steps in my resolutions this year....nothing major, trying to eat healthier, continue Curves and Ti Chi, cutting back on wine consumption (too many calories), and working on de-cluttering house and basement. Just small steps, small goals, I seem to work better that way.

Hope all have a safe and enjoyable NYE and NY Day. Planning to fix black eyed peas, and hog jowl....it is a southern thing!!

QMary

[kayc]

Wow! Gas here is $2.75.9 gallon. It's always high on the west coast, not sure why. This small town they take advantage that there's only two stations and keep the prices set.

Glad you had lunch with a friend and got to spend time with your granddaughter and her BF. I still haven't watched Frozen,but I'd like to.

Your black eyed peas sounds good! I'm not doing a lot of cooking while I'm convalescing, just quick and easy things.

My positive: I was relieved to wake up to water this morning, worry about pipes freezing. It was 19 when I woke up this morning but I don't know how cold it got.

[HAP]

Dear friends,

My brain seems to have gone on vacation. I've been doing a lot of sitting the last 24 hours. Part of that is bringing order to the chaos of my library/office and realizing that I should have made it the guest room and the guest room the office. I just don't have enough space to organize all the projects in this small space. But it is the warmest room in the house and that has a number of advantages.

I've set up one corner as a reading nook. It has my rocking chair--a gift from my parents 30 odd years ago--a small table for my tea and my book, and a lamp over my shoulder. It's a comfortable, warm spot to sip tea and read novels in on a cold winter day like today. I spent two hours there just reading something of absolutely no importance yesterday--and will do so again today. But first I need to sift through the pile of papers on my desk, filing what needs filing and stacking what needs to be dealt with sooner rather than later.

Once that is done, though, I will finally have the living area of the house set up the way I want it after four years. Of course the front rooms need a coat of paint and I'd still like to replace the sofa and love seat in the living room and replace the 20 year old energy-hog refrigerator--but those will have to wait a while longer. And their are pictures to frame and drawers and cupboards to reorganize.... As my father-in-law says, there's always something that needs doing when you have a house.

Last night, I went out to hear to some music that turned out to be pretty horrible to listen to. But my musical acquaintances at the bar were in a silly state of mind and the evening was filled with one-liners and good laughter. They told me New Bedford is doing a First Night thing at various venues across the Downtown area. I may go there for a bit early in the evening, though as cold and windy as they expect it to be tonight I won't stay too long if i decide to go. I'll be home before the ball drops to drink my annual toast to Jane.

For reasons no one knows at this point, the Mall I usually walk at was closed when I got there. Like the others for whom that is a morning ritual, I was disappointed, but it meant I got some things done here earlier than I'd planned. I am hoping they will be open again on Friday.

When I got home, I discovered about a hundred sparrows attacking the feeders in the back yard. I went to the living room to pick up a plate I left there last night and discovered they had all vanished and been replaced by a red-tailed hawk by the time I got back. It had killed one of the sparrows--I could see it clenched in its foot. Or maybe it was a mouse. The sparrows dodge away at the slightest shadow or disturbance, so it's hard to imagine one of them getting caught.

I'm baking bread this afternoon--a habit I've gotten into the last couple of months since I discovered how hard it is to find bread that is not made with high fructose corn syrup. I've been developing a new bread recipe based on my memory of one I created in the 1970s and lost in one of my moves. I've about figured it out at this point. I'll make a more traditional bread tomorrow for my in-laws, who want me to come there for lunch on New Year's, something we used to do every year when Jane was alive.

It's been a quiet 24 hours here. I hope you all have a good New Year's Eve, whether you go out or stay home.

Peace,

Harry

[kayc]

Interesting you mention the red tailed hawk...in the news this week it mentioned it and said it neither has a red tail, nor is it a hawk!

So what "sugar" do you use in raising your bread, honey?

[HAP]

Dear friends,

Kay, I use honey or raw sugar, depending on my mood. I avoid the highly refined white sugar, just as I avoid highly refined flours that are often bleached to make them whiter. My hope is that either this year or next I'll start keeping bees so I can have better control over that sweetener than I have now--not to mention trying to help those critters not go extinct. And honey has become insanely expensive. I am also seeing fewer bees in the garden each year and have noticed a significant decline in production of many plants as a result. But I need to find a sheltered spot for them to live where they won't be disturbed and my backyard is going to have lots of disturbances next year because of a number of landscaping projects.

Last night, my sister-in-law called to confirm I was coming over for dinner today, then broke down as she told me the problems she is having with getting her father to do his exercises when the PT folks are not around. He yells at her and tells her neither she nor they know what they are talking about. I let her vent for more than an hour. He is a stubborn man and always has been. Only Jane could ever get him to see reason. I can sometimes, but not always. We had dinner and he went off to bed, immediately.

Gail and I had a good visit, though. We watched the Winter Classic hockey game and talked about a number of things other than her father. I will try to get her out of the house periodically, either early in the morning or when he is at dialysis.

I baked bread this morning. The chill in the house caused the bread to rise more slowly than usual, but it came out even better than it usually does. It had a lighter texture than usual, which seemed strange. Maybe there is something to be said for a longer rising time, though I have never heard that.

I managed to stay up to see the ball drop last night--though it did require a nap earlier in the evening. I drank my annual toast to Jane as everyone in Times Square kissed and cheered in the background.

New Year's is a time I spend reflecting on the past and planning for the future. My current five year plan has one more year to run--next year will require a full review that will likely take three days and result in an entirely new plan stretching off into the future. This year was pretty straight-forward. I set 10 goals each for both myself and the two organizations I run. That becomes the heart of my daily, weekly, and monthly plans for the year. The year goals are based on what I set out to do in 2011, modified by the successes, failures and experiences of the current year. Everything gets a quick review at the end of each quarter to make sure I'm still on track. The last four years have never worked out the way I planned them, which is always the case to some extent--just more so since Jane died.

Keeping that process going at all after Jane's death has been hard. At the end of 2010, it was only the inertia of 53 years of doing it that kept me at it. I scrapped everything that year even though I was only in the third year of the cycle. Jane's death changed everything and made the old goals largely pointless. I spent my flight back from Seattle that year creating a new set of goals and modifying even the ten and 25 year plan to make room for the assault on NET cancer. Mourning Jane was front and center in dealing with everything, but I grossly underestimated how hard that was going to be. I was still in shock--and part of me still is I think sometimes. I still don't have my full focus back and it makes me crazy.

But the focus seems to be coming back, if slowly.

And despite not feeling even close to 100 percent, I've made progress on every one of the goals I set four years ago. Most won't be reached by the end of the year--especially the ambitious goals I set for what became Walking with Jane. But that's OK; as my fifth grade teacher used to say, "It is better to aim for the moon and clear the fence than to aim for the fence and crash into it." The goals of a lifetime don't turn in an instant, and promises made cannot be abandoned unfulfilled, regardless of the circumstances. Delivery may be delayed, of course....

The year just passed was difficult--more difficult than any save the year before and after Jane's death. It shattered some of what I had rebuilt since that cold night in December of 2010. The year ahead I can hope will be better. And even if it is not, I am not too proud to rebuild again, even if the tools be worn beyond proper use. When it comes to humanity, I never give up.

Peace,

Harry