Looking For The Positives

[feralfae]

Kay, That's a nice little gift for the day.

[Queeniemary]

That was good Kay, every little bit helps, right! I have slowly started the decluttering and while, it is slow, I am already seeing progress. Because I was gone yesterday, I did not get anything done, but today I am working on kitchen counter tops. I did get utensil and silverware drawers organized earlier in week, and de-cluttered around sink. I am enjoying having one project a day.

I went to visit my sister in nursing home in Melbourne yesterday. I will post a picture of us together at bottom of this post. She did respond a couple of times to me when I would press her, but mostly she is just looking from one person to another, not much change to her expression at all. I believe she is somewhat disconnected. She has regressed noticeably since my last visit, about a month ago. I think she is shutting down. We have all mostly given up hope, she is well past the window they gave us for her to regain some of her abilities. My niece put it perfectly, she said, "I don't understand the purpose of God making Mother a prisoner in her own body." And that is exactly what she is, a prisoner. I am very depressed after this visit, but will continue to go, even though I could not tell if she was glad I was there or not. She is so fortunate to have her loving family around her. Her daughter Sherry is there every day, making sure they are caring for her properly. My sister's husband (who is having some heart issues, and some issues with memory) spends a big part of the day with her every day. Her grandchildren and other children pop in and out daily. If I were closer I would pop in daily also. A 4 hour round trip is hard for me. Next time I go, I will just plan to stay overnight with my niece.

My friend Dana, who is a widow also, had a house fire night before last. Thank goodness all the animals and people got out safely. Her big old dog, not sure what breed, Leroy Jenkins, roused the alarm. That dog is a hero. Her little Pug, Hercules is going to come and stay with me for a bit. It was an electrical fire, started in her home office (where she had stored many of her late husbands things from work, and had his awards, etc, on the walls, we have not talked about that yet) The bedroom is on the other side of the wall, and Dana had smoke inhalation damage to her lungs, which doctor is treating with antibiotics and inhalers. He thinks will be ok. Her hair was also singed. They won't be able to live in house for a while. Just grateful all humans and animals got out.

QMary

[MartyT]

Oh QMary ~ life is so hard sometimes, and so unfair. I'm so sorry about your sister. I know it must be terribly hard for you to see her like this ~ and to cope with the (irrational for sure) guilt that you cannot see her more often. So hard to bear. And what a living nightmare for your friend Dana! Thank Heaven she and her fur babies escaped relatively unharmed, at least in the physical sense. What a day you've had. Prayers for a better, brighter one today ♥

[feralfae]

Dear QMary,

I am sorry to hear about your sister. In her heart and spirit, I am suer she knows you are visiting as much as you can, and as well, I think you two must be deeply connected at the spirit level, and I am sure she knows that as well.

So glad everyone survived the house fire!

[feralfae]

nattering . . .

I am late getting moving this morning, probably did too much yesterday, but here I am, getting moving. My friend Jenny had hip replacement surgery yesterday morning, so I will be going to the hospital to spend some time with her today.

But I wanted to share this, for everyone who likes birds and birding:

This morning at the sunflower feeders, there were house finches, both red and yellow phase, black-capped and mountain chickadees, and two redpolls, down from Alaska. At the suet post feeder were red-shafted flickers, downy and hairy woodpeckers, red-breasted, white-breasted and pygmy nuthatches. At the thistle feeder were goldfinches, drab in their winter coats. Outside, the cotton-tail rabbits are hopping about, munching the fallen seeds and shells. It is snowing, very softly and gently— those light flakes that slowly drift to Earth. Yesterday, three white tail deer came to graze on the carrots, apples, and lettuce as well as assorted peelings I had put out at their "salad bar" place where Doug would feed them. There were owls calling last night. The owls hunt at the feeders, but only when hungry. A rough-legged hawk is perched below me, nearer to the Missouri. Bald eagles perch down there as well, and there are tours along the river for birders. Today is a beautiful winter day here in Montana. I am so very fortunate to live here in this beautiful place, surrounded by wildlife.

And I must buy suet for the birds today, as I have only a few days' supply left. The chickadees would eat out of Doug's hand, but I have not yet convinced them that I, in all my shortness, am also a safe source of sunflower seeds or suet.

I hope everyone is enjoying all the life around them, whether furred, feathered, or finned, or, Human. ( could we say fingered?) It is time to put the sheets in the dryer, finish cleaning the kitchen, and get ready to go visit Jenny and then run some errands. I will be home in three hours or less, because it will be time to rest then.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

QMary,

Wow, that is a lot to digest in one week! My grandmother had a stroke and was literally imprisoned in her body for the last 13 years of her life, she had to be in a nursing home. My grandpa used to go visit her every day, their home was about a mile away. He would stroke her hair and hold her hand and read letters from the grandkids. She never responded. I'm glad he did it anyway, because you never know if they can hear and just can't respond. When my sister was in a coma for 4 1/2 months, she said she could hear but couldn't respond. So it's good she's getting visits and it's good that people talk to her, even if they can't get a reply.

And your friend...how very hard this must be for her! She will mourn the loss of her husband's things, but I hope she'll also feel glad to be alive and thankful for her dogs. I hope that the workmen will be able to repair her house soon so she can be back in it. And I hope she finds a good hairdresser that can give her a haircut that will transform her singed hair into something she can live with. I hope you enjoy her pug for the time being!

You're very industrious to have these projects going...I would love to clean out my home but need help as much of it would require muscle and more than one person, a dolly, someone who can scale a ladder, etc. I'm afraid it won't get done until the day comes I'm set to move (or die) and hopefully my son will be forced to come help!

fae, I'm amazed at how you're getting along...I find it takes all I have just to take care of me and the household without doing anything extra! I hope you catch a nap in between feeding birds and visiting friends.

[shalady]

Wow Fae. Sounds just heavenly. Bob and I made several trips to Bozeman and Livingston many years ago. The scenery was spectacular. Very beautiful memories you brought back. Thank you. I hope your friend is doing well and you enjoy a great visit. Have a happy day.

Shalady

[Wifflesnook]

Just a quick update from me as I'd told you I had to go for a recall to the breast clinic after a routine mammogram. When I got there the nurse said I'd been recalled because my right breast had an area which they though needed further investigation. So they did another mammogram and I went and sat down. Then they asked me to go in for a scan. The doctor who did it was very thorough and said they seen nothing on the mammogram and on the scan she could see nothing to give her any concern. There was a tiny area on the right which she was just about sure was nothing to investigate further. So I to,d her about 2012 when I had found a lump in my left breast and went to the go who sent me straight to the breast clinic and they found it was a bruise. Then they said they might as well look at my right breast which is when they found this tiny thing which they did a biopsy on and it was nothing. So I said I wondered if that was it. And she said well the computer was down (again) and she couldn't check my records to compare but she would do so as soon as the computer was up and she would write to me. But not to worry as she couldn't see any thing to concern her. This was Monday and I'm waiting daily for the ,Etter and it still hasn't come which is why I'm late telling you all because I wanted to wait until I'd had the letter. Everything I've been told was reassuring but I'd love to get the letter! Our son went with me which was nice. The day after this I had to appear on TV to talk about this proposed visitor centre here which many of us think will ruin our little peninsula, and on Thursday I had someone coming round from the wildlife association which is proposing this. And after having company (wonderful but tIrving) and a really bad cold my IBS has returned (always does when I'm stressed) but all being well I have a period of quiet now for a while so I shall use this to look after myself for a while. Just wish the letter would come with good news as it doesn't feel tight until I get that.

[Queeniemary]

Jan, glad the testing is over for you. I think that if it were something negative they would be calling you, so maybe you can take comfort from the fact you have not heard results yet. However, having said that, I know you will feel a lot better when you get the letter....it will make it official!

Fae, your place sounds like a lovely park, with all the animals and birds....would love to see it! I have a long dirt drive up to my house from the street, and there have been times when I would see a rabbit run across the drive, or a groundhog or two try to race me. Never have I seen a deer. I live in the middle of town, although my house is really pretty isolated for being in town. I am the only house at the end of a dead end street, and no close neighbors really. I love it, Mike and I always said we had the beauty of living in the country, with the convenience of living in town.

My friend Tom and I watched the two Hobbit movies, last night, that we had not seen, in preparation for seeing the one now in the movie theaters. They were great, but Loooong. We started at 5 and were not through until after 11! He has a new 65 inch tv, so was almost as good as being in the movie theatre. Probably will wait to see the third until comes out on DVD.

Had a horrible painful experience, which lasted for several hours. Tom had fixed deviled eggs, along with cheese and smoked pork loin, and we just snacked as we watched the movies. About 30 minutes before last movie over, I thought I was having heart attack! Horrible chest pains, radiating up sides of my face. Couple of horrible ear pains. It was gas, and I knew it, as I had experienced this before, although usually it is when I take a pain pill on empty stomach. I think it was from the deviled eggs, they were pretty spicy. I managed to keep quiet, (kind of embarrassing to talk about gas with a guy) but walked around my dining table lots of time when I got home, to help the gas move....burping really helped. My daughter was home from Memphis, and kept wanting to take me to ER....but I knew I would be fine. Took several hours.....lucky I sleep alone!

Hope all have a good weekend. We are looking at possibly a little ice tonight and tomorrow....Anne, get my room ready,

QMary

[feralfae]

Jan,

I'll be glad when you get the letter. You know the old saying, I imagine,that "no news is good news" and getting no news seems to me to be a good thing, but I know you will be relieved when the official letter arrives. I am sorry to hear that our IBS is back, and I hope it clears up very soon.

I would think a visitor centre would interfere with the migrating birds. Certainly it will interfere with your peace and privacy. We tried letting people come to a designated fishing area on the river for a couple of years, but they left such a mess, destroyed so many things, that we took back permission and put up new gates as soon as we could do so. I sometimes find that there is very little respect for public use property. I hope you can get it all worked out for the best for everyone, and remember to take care of yourself.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

Oh, QMary,

I would have been scared for you, but I am glad you survived the attack of the gas. I love your sense of humor, not just about sleeping alone, but having Anne get your room ready. I think you need a vacation, anyway. I hope the days ahead are all good ones for you.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

Wow Fae. Sounds just heavenly. Bob and I made several trips to Bozeman and Livingston many years ago. The scenery was spectacular. Very beautiful memories you brought back. Thank you. I hope your friend is doing well and you enjoy a great visit. Have a happy day.

Shalady

Thank you dear heart,

I hope you are doing well. Yes, I feel very lucky to live in Montana. Jenny was doing better when we talked last night, and I will see her later today. It may go above freezing today! Well, at least up to 33F. But tomorrow is more snow.

I am glad if my nattering brought up a happy memory of you and Bob. Lately, I have been trying to focus on the happy times and when my mind drifts away to the days of illness, as soon as I notice it, I pull myself away and try to think about something else, read, or find something to do to distract me. I want my heart filled with the happy memories. It is slowly working, and I am glad if I touched a place that brought up happy times for you as well.

I hope you can feel your heart healing, and that you are finding peace each day.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Jan,

I know how hard it is to wait on medical news, but like the others, am sure the letter will confirm what they already believe, that it is nothing.

QMary,

I know how the gas goes, having just gotten my gallbladder out. I hope you'll do what you can to rest and relax so your system can settle down to normal.

[HAP]

Dear friends,

Jan, I'd call tomorrow if it is not in the mail by then.

I had a journalism meeting Friday night to plan our annual conference and deal with some online issues the organization is having. The meeting went well enough--but the night went downhill thereafter. By the time I got home I was in a foul mood--the subway, the traffic, and general yuckiness.

Yesterday was the 49 month anniversary of Jane's death. I spent most of it reorganizing the kitchen for what seems like the 100th time. At one point, I had to go out for a bit and ran into two people I know from Relay but have not seen in several months. Their youngest daughter is getting married this spring. In the context of the last year, that may have been the last straw. I came home, continued working in the kitchen, tried to watch the Patriots' game but was too enervated to pay full attention to it. Instead I kept cleaning and vacuuming--something I get obsessive about when I am upset.

I woke up this morning in tears. I've lost too much. I couldn't fully mourn my mother's death because I was too worried about Jane's health to make the trip west for her memorial service. In the last 12 months, I've lost a good friend, learned my best friend from high schools wife has breast cancer, lost a niece and my father, learned that one of my favorite patient's cancer has now moved into her brain and that another has reached the stage where liver embolization is a necessity in the next couple of months.

In large part, I have walked away from everything for the last month. I focussed on being home for Christmas and on healing my heart. I've walked every day, trying to get my body back in shape, knowing that always helps my mood. My weight hasn't moved but everything feels a bit tighter and stronger. The weight will come in time, if I can just keep doing what I know needs to be done. My mind and mood will come around eventually, too, if i keep doing a little bit each day.

I went to the cemetery this morning. It was cold and windy and silent. I didn't stay long. Jane would not want me standing in the cold very long. And the truth is, there is nothing there--just a stone, some Christmas decorations and a hole in the ground that holds Jane's coffin and her mortal remains. There is more of her in this house than has ever been there. The weekly and monthly visits to her grave give me time to vent the hurt and sense of failure I feel every day at this point in the month. The positive is I don't feel those things every day as I once did. Even what I feel at this point in the month is not as sharp as it once was.

I read a piece in the newspaper this morning about a man who lost his wife to cancer. He went back to riding a motorcycle after she died--something he had given up when his first child was born. It helped him get through those times as my walks have gotten me through the awful times since Jane died. The work on NETs has helped as well. I don't function well when I don't have a purpose.

And much of the time, I'm OK in ways I never expected to be again. This current mood will pass. The healing will continue--and I will learn to live with the scars.

Peace,

Harry

[kayc]

Harry, So many here have been through so much, and you are one of them. I hope your walking does bring you some relief even as that other guy's motorcycle riding does. My dog does that for me, spending time with him, walking him, even my cat, who acts more like a dog. They are my family now, although I know my days with them are numbered, I enjoy them to the fullest. It was them that got me through being over anesthetized in my surgery, them that I thought of, that pulled me through, wanting to be here for them. We all need someone/something that helps us pull through.

[enna]

I am so far behind in responding to the positives here on this thread since much of my time has been taken up with physical therapy these days.

QMary, I love the picture of you and Lois ~ priceless, yet bittersweet. How very sad about the house fire your friend, Dana, had to endure. Thank goodness she and the animals are okay. When you visit Arizona we will talk about how we are doing with decluttering in 2015!

Jan, you are brave to face the testing you have been going through. I think there is nothing worse than to have to wait for test results. I like all the positive things you are doing in your hamlet there in the UK.

Oh dear Kay, I am so glad that you are healing. You have been through so much. I am smiling that you now have Arlie back with you. Remember, you may feel good but you are still healing.

Fae, your beautiful Montana sounds just lovely. I know you are working on listening to your need to “go slow” as you heal from those surgeries.

It sounds like Jenny is doing much better. What a wonderful friend you are to spend time with her.

Harry, thank you for your continued inspiration as you share with us what you are doing on your grief journey. I am glad you are focusing on the Relay. That means that your knee is healing. Yes, you have lost many people close to you this past year and it seems to be making you stronger. You are allowing your feelings and I believe that Jane is right beside you.

[kayc]

I've spent a few hours working with my firewood the last couple of days, it felt so good to get something constructive done and not hurt! (Don't worry, I took breaks and rested inbetween, nothing heavy).

[Queeniemary]

So full of mixed feelings. Tomorrow will be 5 years since Mike's death. I may have to go to court tomorrow to serve on jury duty. I really don't think they are going to find Mike's death 5 years ago to be reason enough to excuse me. And I would not even ask. All I can do is just hope that the phone call I make late tonight, will be the same as all others so far this year....telling me jurors do not need to report to the courtroom.

What I really want to do tomorrow, is see no one, talk to no one, no answering phones, or anything, but as my house holds my daughter and granddaughter also at the moment, that will not happen. I wish I could just disappear for a day, but someone would worry. Five years feels like such a milestone....in many ways it seems like 5 years was yesterday, and in others ways it seems eons ago.

I have been sitting here remembering, when I actually need to be doing things. Thinking of all the changes since Mike left, all the things he has missed. Thinking of all the things I have missed because he is gone. I am not an unhappy person, I have a pretty happy, busy life. There are unhappy things going on in my family's lives right now, and I am stressed because of those things, but my nature is to be happy and positive, and I think I still am. I just miss that E. Michael so very much, and miss all the plans we had made for our future. A future that will never happen, because when he left I had to make new plans.

Five years.... some people think I am morbid, that I should have "moved on" by now. And truly, I have moved on, in my own way. The horrible gut wrenching grief does not happen as often as it used to, and I can control it better now. However, that hollow pit in the middle of my being never goes away, because the one who filled it is no longer with me. We did not have a perfect marriage, but it worked well for us. We argued, and disagreed on numerous things, but at the end of the day, we got over it, whatever it was. We had many common goals, and interests, and some of my fondest memories are the times we directed or acted in plays together. I will miss him forever, I will never "move on" from that!

Having lunch with my friend Dana today, after she meets with the inspector at her fire ravaged house. I have only talked to her, not seen her since the fire. She is trying to find an RV or a Trailer to move onto her property for the duration, until house is repaired. She has chickens, and numerous animals, which makes living away from the property difficult.

QMary

[kayc]

Mary,

Five years does seem a milestone, and I understand your wanting to spend the day to yourself, with no demands upon you, so you can handle the day the way you want to. I hope you don't have to do jury duty tomorrow.

It'll be good for you and Dana to have lunch together, I can't imagine what she must be going through, I think I'd feel overwhelmed. I hope all goes well for her in finding an RV to live in for the time being, it sounds like a good solution.

[HAP]

Dear friends,

I slept in this morning. The weather was supposed to be nasty--freezing rain--so I knew my walk was not going to happen. I slept until almost 10:30. Then I discovered there has been no precipitation this morning of any kind. Had I but known, I might have gone for that walk. But I also needed the sleep. I've had several consecutive bad nights. It has started raining since.

The cold has broken for today. We go back in the freezer the next few days, so I am doing laundry today. Were I smart, I'd spend a couple hours in the cellar working to get the other part of it in order, but I found it a little too chilly when I started the wash. The concrete walls hold the chill as well as they do the heat.

A week from tomorrow I go in for the next phase of the dental surgery I started ten months ago. They are restructuring the sinus cavity and doing the other prep work for the implant. If all goes well, I'll be shut of it by the first of April.

Sometime yesterday, walkingwithjane.org had its 3000th view for the month of January. Last year, it was April before we reached that number for the year. In the last three months, we've had close to 8,000 visits. I would be more pleased with that were it not for the fact that most of those visits are from people newly diagnosed with the disease who are looking for hope and for answers--both of which are in short supply. I hope every day that we will come up with a cure so that no one ever needs to visit our website again.

QMary, be well tomorrow. I will carry you in my mind and heart tomorrow especially.

Peace,

Harry

[feralfae]

Here I am, in the midst of this wonderful Tribe of people who have walked this journey with me for what is a week, or almost three years. Treat of gratitude are falling as I write this, for the loving and caring family I have come to share on this forum. As I read about your lives, your own ups and downs, your strength and courage (And yes, sometimes our frustrations and challenges, for even though I do not understand the how or why of some challenges, I know there are rich lessons there.), I wish I could reach out and touch each of you with lovingkindness and of course some *<fairy dust>* because you are such a blessing to me. If I try to "push the river" and become impatient with the frustrations and challenges, I get caught on sand bars. The more I let go, the better I seem to be kept in clear channels and through beautiful country.

Today, I had some imaging done as well as blood tests because there was a "hot spot" in my thyroid on the PET scan, and so interesting blood chemistry was done, as well as the fascinating ultrasound, which is like watching a film of inside of me. Very fascinating! Except for some lingering liver enzyme issues, I am healthy as a healthy horse. (Harry, I also had the regular tests, and they are still clear.) And, unlike the healthy horse, I get to live in a warm house instead of a barn.

Oh my. I look around at the richness of all our lives, how well we are all doing with the Living of our days, each of us meeting the days head-on, standing up to the winds of change, and adapting, shifting, to keep our balance. I wonder if we ever arrive at stasis, but I think that would be death.

So, I am happy to see all the positives here, even as we rise up each day to see what shows up.

Harry, I imagine you needed the sleep. Congratulations on the 3000th views for January. That is quite an accomplishment. You are making a difference, Bravo!

Kay I am glad you have the firewood situation under control, but remember to rest more than you work right now. Your body needs the energy to heal. We are watching you.

QMary, I hope you can find a way to have some of the day with yourself and your memories. I am in the 36th month of Doug's leaving, which was 7 February, 2012. I am trying to give myself a lot of time to remember, accept, be grateful, and smile. But I do need the time alone. A five year anniversary is a significant milestone. I hope you can honor your feelings with some solitude, even if you must spread it out over a few days. I understand. May you find only peace and beauty in your heart. *<twinkles>*

Jan, I hope your days are going well, and that you are resting, fighting the good fight concerning the visitor's centre, and that your memories are beautiful ones.

We are all in the midst of Winter, which means that Spring will be coming soon. There will be hyacinths blooming against the south-facing walls, and we will inhale the richness of the thawing Earth. I, for one, and simply surviving this winter, since I cannot X-C ski or go winter hiking, much less build an ice tower. But I am making early birding plans for Spring, when the trumpeter swans come back to nest in high mountain lakes around Yellowstone. And I am thinking of a birding trip to Monte Verde, where there is a pacifist Friends community of people who moved down there to witness against war and the draft. And I am working in the office part of most work days. Life is beginning to take shape again, and I can see a few outlines of the new structure.

I hope this is a good winter of learning for me, and for you if you'd like, and that I will be welcoming Spring with much more energy and strength. Amen.

Spring is on the way.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Oh, I'm resting all right, I think I pulled a muscle in my back, I know when I did it too, not bad, but enough to keep me down for a while...today I played Hearts on my computer.

Harry, that must be very disheartening to realize that many of the visitors to the site are newly diagnosed. But thank God you have the site up, you've provided much information that otherwise would not be assessable.

QMary,

I haven't seen anything about it, but did you have to go to Jury Duty? I hope you got your day alone today and that your lunch with Dana was good.

fae,

that is good to hear!

[Wifflesnook]

I'm amazingly busy with the fighting of this proposed visitor centre. It's taking too much of my time really but it's afight worth doing. Mary I know how the five year anniversary will be hard. I was revisiting my journal the other day and it was so painful, partly because nothing has really changed, and yet I am coping without the support of my beloved Pete.

I had the confirming letter yesterday to say that the little lesion they detected in my right breast was indeed the one they found and did a biopsy on in 2012 and it is nothing to worry about. How pleased Pete would have been (and maybe he knows)

I've written in my journal a list of all the things which have happened to make me think that somehow my Pete is near me. It's good to read.

Dearest community I don't know how I would cope if I couldn't visit this forum. Butch's postings are heart breaking and I hope he will find the same comfort and support we all have found.

[R.Everit55]

Wow, 187 pages in the thread. It's apparent you all have created an amazing bond around the warm fire you've built. I don't know how or when I will fit in. Reading 187 pages to catch up is impossible right now. This journey is just beginning for me.

I will just add thoughts and positive energy to you all.

Butch

[R.Everit55]

QueenieMary....

all my thoughts and prayers to you for comfort today. Hugs ❤️