mfh Posted October 15, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 15, 2014 http://www.whatsyourgrief.com/secondary-loss-one-loss-isnt-enough/ Secondary Loss: One Loss isn't Enough? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted October 15, 2014 Report Share Posted October 15, 2014 Dear Mary, Thank you. This particular Tools for Healing, as Anne said, is a wonderful resource for us here around this fire. For me, it is an oasis in the aridity of a life still mending. I look at the diagram, and I think how there are losses for me, and no doubt for each of us, in every area of overlapping components of our life. Yesterday, as I wrestled to bring in the new engine for the tractor, which was delivered while I was away and left outside, I broke down, because the loss of Doug's strong arms to move things—loss of support—was so overwhelming that all I could do was cry, feel alone, abandoned, and helpless. But I did get the big crate into the garage. Now there is the new kiln, still not set up, and the new tractor engine, both projects to be finished soon. But the tractor engine can wait until winter. Each offering, each gift, here has a healing within it, and even on busy days, when I have little free time, I try to come to Tools for Healing to be refreshed, reaffirmed, and strengthened for this journey. Thank you. namaste, fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 15, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 15, 2014 fae, Unless someone has gone through this loss (loss of spouse/partner) it is impossible for them to comprehend the secondary losses. I surely could not do so because I took so for granted all the things Bill did...thanking him but not thinking of the day when he would not be here to share the load. My garage light burned out 6 months ago so coming home at night all was dark. I knew paying someone to move the fixture which was about 18 feet up...would cost money. So I let it go and one day I was thinking about our Ouray CO home with its 19 foot ceiling and recessed lighting and bam...I remembered we had an extension thing that we used to change the bulbs. Ordered one from Amazon for $20 and changed the bulbs. All that just to change a light bulb that Bill would have changed almost before I realized it was burned out. Like you and others here, this list of secondary losses goes on and on and each one opens the wound that has a thin membrane on it because it keeps getting torn open. I sort of wish I had kept a list these 4+ years (and before also) of all these secondary losses....not sure why. I hear your pain, feel your pain and relate to your pain. And yes, somehow we heal with support, reading, patience, love. You are not doing this journey alone as much as it feels that way many times. We are all here for and with you. Peace Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted October 15, 2014 Report Share Posted October 15, 2014 I so hear what you are saying, dear fae. Those secondary losses pop up out of no where! And as Mary just said ~ we are not doing this alone even though it seems like it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted October 15, 2014 Report Share Posted October 15, 2014 Hey Anne where do you find these things? Yes I experience secondary losses all the time. And they occur at times when we might be managing to keep afloat and then wham something happens that our beloved person would deal with or that we would deal with as a team and we go under again. Harry mentioned in another thread clearing the garage. We always did this as a team but much of the stuff there is 'man stuff' becUse we had an old fashioned marriage with Pete doing all the handy man stuff. He also cooked, made bread, shopped with me. All the day to day tasks remind us of our loss. I doubt this will change for me. The pain of doing them alone is less but it's still with me. But how it helps to share with all of you. Thanks for being there for me. I check this forum several times a day. I bet I'm not the only one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 15, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 15, 2014 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted October 15, 2014 Report Share Posted October 15, 2014 Oh I love that one. Yes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 16, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 16, 2014 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 16, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 16, 2014 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 16, 2014 Report Share Posted October 16, 2014 Dear ones, I just received this message from a colleague, Rea Ginsburg. She writes that the original version of this post appeared as a Comment to Dr. Monica-Williams Murphy's article, "To Everything There Is A Season," on the blog It's OK to Die on October 12, 2014. It is so beautiful that I want to share it with all of you: The Self-Seeker in Fall by Rea Ginsburg Soul song. Leaves so beautiful before the fall. Must they fall? Why? Can we stop them? How? Will they grow back in a new beginning? When? Life that implies death. Death that implies transformation (fertile soil and nourishing water that lead to new spring growth). Deciding to embrace it all -- and one's Self -- rather than run from it. Endings...and plans that often fail to soothe. Letting go is hardly clean and peaceful. The beauty of the seasons and the pain of loss are almost indistinguishable. This is one reason why autumn so deeply affects us. Few people can understand and tolerate the simultaneous rise of emotional opposites. Joy of life / sadness of death all flowing together -- nature's joy and beauty -- bursting with joy till we burst into tears of grief. Words matter. We speak of "bursting" in each of these two cases. The word is identical for both, expressing strong, opposing feelings. All at the same time. Our language allows us this additional insight, a perfect expression of dueling mental forces. It is so. It is not gentle on the soul. Nature ever invites and reminds us to reach deeply Inside, to understand it and ourselves in it, to grow. Self-awareness. What counts is the courage to continue. We are all part of nature. In every meeting is also a parting. In every joy is also a sorrow. In every love also a loss. If we miss the duality and complexity of emotions, we miss what it means to live life fully and to heal effectively. Life is profoundly multi-dimensional...if only we make the effort to look and to see. The plan for a new beginning is already in the ending. Death without really leaving. Fallen leaves fertilize the soil that promises spring growth. Memories of the lost loved one fertilize the transformation to a growing, expanding, enduring relationship. Every beginning implies an ending -- just as every ending implies a transformation and a new beginning. It is a paradoxical truth. The essence of hope lies here, the desire and active search for a future good, a waking dream to attend. This is the strength and growth of the Autumn Survivor... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted October 18, 2014 Report Share Posted October 18, 2014 I have read the above piece by Rea Ginsberg over several times and have found it to be very powerful. I have never really thought of opposites in this way. “Joy of life / sadness of death all flowing together -- nature's joy and beauty -- bursting with joy till we burst into tears of grief.” I have been looking for a way to live my life now since my Jim is gone and it makes sense that just as the leaves fall from the trees into the soil and fertilize it so does our love continue to live after death only in a different and more magical way. We keep that love alive by nourishing the memories we have had together. I look at autumn in a different way now. I don’t only focus on the death of a season but look to its rebirth and when I remember this I can see that even though Jim’s no longer here with me physically, he is very much a part of a rebirth that I am going through. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted October 18, 2014 Report Share Posted October 18, 2014 Dear Anne, Thank you for that beautiful and introspective note. Yes, we are going through rebirth, each in our own way and time, as we emerge from the valley of the shadow, and begin to feel the vital, living core of our heart, the longing of our spirit, and as we welcome this transformed energy of our Beloved into our hearts in a new form. I hope you are planning a book of your beautiful writing here. namaste, fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted October 18, 2014 Report Share Posted October 18, 2014 It's hard to accept and I continue to fight that truth. The words are wise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 18, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 18, 2014 Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation Repairing your heart takes time, patience, understanding, and love. Lots of love from family, friends, and most of all, yourself. Let the love in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted October 19, 2014 Report Share Posted October 19, 2014 Each one of us here has something unique and special to give to the other. That is how I feel about this place. We come here to be nourished so we can offer to others a listening ear, a hug, a bit of fairy dust, kind words, or validation for our journey. This is a hard road ~ one no one needs to take alone. Thank you for being a part of my journey. Together each one of us is important for the ocean to be what it is. WORD FOR THE DAY - www.gratefulness.org Sunday, Oct. 19 "We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop." Blessed Mother Teresa. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 19, 2014 Report Share Posted October 19, 2014 ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted October 19, 2014 Report Share Posted October 19, 2014 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 19, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 19, 2014 Yes, Anne! With gratitude. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 19, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 19, 2014 On fear with Pema Chodron with Oprah What to do When Life Falls Apart Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy Wamy Posted October 20, 2014 Report Share Posted October 20, 2014 On fear with Pema Chodron with Oprah What to do When Life Falls Apart Love these clips. Oprah and her guests on Super Soul Sunday, always share valuable lessons and information. I'm extremely jealous that OWN isn't available on TV here in the UK! One of my new favourite quotes: "If you don't know what fear feels like, you can never be fearless." - Pema Chodron Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 20, 2014 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 20, 2014 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted October 20, 2014 Report Share Posted October 20, 2014 WORD FOR THE DAY - www.gratefulness.org Monday, Oct. 20 "Although we have been made to believe that if we let go we will end up with nothing, life reveals just the opposite: that letting go is the real path to freedom." Sogyal Rinpoche Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 21, 2014 Report Share Posted October 21, 2014 Posted by Mark Liebenow on Widower's Grief on Tuesday, October 21, 2014 (and reprinted with permission): Blessing May the fires of death that burn at night light our way. May the sorrows that weigh us down, dissipate at dawn like mist. May the morning rain moisten our upturned faces with hope. May we touch what our loved ones touched and remember their hearts. May we see with their eyes and celebrate their world. May the stars in the great cosmic night remind us, we are not alone. May the food of the earth nourish our bodies. May clarity of thought renew our minds. May the sharing of passion revive our hearts. May our sojourn with grief lead to a new place we want to call home. As we light candles for our dead, may we burn with kindness for others. May we open to all who dwell in the dark holy room of grief. O courageous companions, as we let go of what has been, may we perceive what might be. May we become the blessing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 21, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 21, 2014 This is beautiful, Marty. Thank you for posting it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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