Just Need To Talk

[beecha]

I lost my dad one month ago. He was 75, and his health had been declining for the past couple years. In the end, he had complete congestive heart failure, renal failure and dementia. Growing up, I remember him as so strong and proud, strict and stubborn. He loved his family, but was complex and had faults. He smoked until his last day, despite two bypass surgeries. He refused to change his diet, despite being diagnosed with diabetes. But he was a good, kind and generous man. He was always there for me. Watching him slip away over the years has been hard, especially on my mother, who was his primary caregiver. His life choices and his final months have left her with an alarming amount of anger. My sisters' relationships with him had been strained too, especially because of unexplained outbursts of anger he'd display (we didn't know until the very end that he had dementia, which may be a partial explination.)

During his last hospital stay, my mother and I were called into a room and told that he would need his leg amputated and that his dementia had progressed. Given this news, and the fact that he was in near constant pain, even with pain medication, he decided to stop dialysis and turn off his pacemaker. We were told that he would have two weeks. We were told to go home and get some sleep. He died four hours after I left him, alone.

After his death, I feel that many in my family are relieved. I expected to feel relieved, and in some ways I am that he's no longer in pain. But I also miss him. Terribly. It feels like no one else does. I don't want to upset my mother, my sisters or my husband, because every time I start talking about it, they change the topic or simply say, "He's in a better place." Friends, I have found, don't listen, but rather talk about their problems. I even had a coworker say, "Other than that, how was your Christmas...."

I have two young children - a six-month-old and a 2.5 year old - and it's easier to just focus on the day-to-day of work and kids and not talk about everything that happened over the last two months. But I am struggling. I'm struggling with the guilt that I left him alone that last night; anger that the doctors were so wrong; concern that all my mom can seem to do is talk about how terrible it was to take care of him; resentment that friends and even my husband haven't been supportive. And I don't have the time or energy to do anything except what needs to be done in that moment.

It's brutal. And I feel so alone.

[MartyT]

My dear friend, I'm so sorry to learn of the death of your dad, and sorrier still that you have no one to talk to about your loss. This can happen in families, as each person's relationship to the person who died is unique to that individual, and each of you is mourning a very different loss.

I'm so pleased that you've found your way to this warm and caring place, where I know you'll feel the embrace of others who've been where you are now. I also encourage you to look for an in-person support group, or even consider a session or two with a grief counselor. You need and deserve to have someone who will listen to you without judgment ~ someone who understands the normal grief process and one who can help you sort through and understand all your thoughts, feelings and reactions to this death.

Please see this article, Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You, and be sure to follow the links you'll find at the base of the article, too.

And I assure you that you are not alone, even though I know it feels that way. We are here for you, and we won't let you travel this journey all by yourself. ♥

[ShanN]

Beecha,

I'm so very sorry about the loss of your father. Please know you will be heard here and not judged and we care very much.

I can relate sadly to family keeping things "hush hush" and just avoiding all together and even judgements. I lost my Mom when I was 15.

But you will never be turned away here Hun and we care.

Peace to you...

[enna]

We are here with open arms listening to whatever you want to share. You are not alone on this forum. I am sorry to hear that you lost your dad. Visit here often and please follow Marty's advice about finding a person you can talk to face to face. Anne

[kayc]

Beecha, I'm so sorry you lost your dad so soon, and esp. since you didn't get the time you felt should be allotted to you. Please be easy on yourself, if the experts don't know, how can you be expected to? Medicine is a science with a lot of guess work.

We're here to listen whenever you want to talk.

[beecha]

Thank you all so much. I am so sorry for the loss that brought each of you here. Just knowing this community exists has provided me with so much. Thank you.

[annette85035]

It is good to share your grief/your thoughts here!

People always say when someone whom is ill dies that they are no longer in pain etc..but I don't find that helps (in my opnion)

It is the same with me,that to get by I have to do what needs to be done-caring for my folks or our home..but then over time,I find things that I enjoy doing besides and time passes-life goes on but we never FORGET out loved ones.

[chirpingcrickets]

Beecha,

Your story sounds just like mine & my heart hurts for you. I too suffered loss at the holidays, and have had trouble finding a safe space to talk and feel like i'm not burdening or boring everyone talking about my mom all the time. I am here if you need to talk. Be well.

~Cricket

[annette85035]

That is how I get by..keeping busy with what needs to be done at the house or caring for my father.

But you do need time to grieve for yourself. Doing nap time or bed time perhaps make a small memorial in honor of your father someplace in or outside your home so you can sit and talk to him..or just be with him.

[netbrainer]

I just lost my father as well, his health steadily declined over the past 4 years. We had so many close calls during that time but each time he pulled through. During is past year he was literally wasting away. But even so, when his life partner called me last Saturday to say that he'd died at Bellevue, I was shocked. I just can't get used to the idea that he's gone, and I'll never see, touch, or speak with again. His partner, with whom he shared the last 34 years, cared for him round the clock through his illness. He is devastated and I live too far away to help as much as I'd like. This is so hard. My dad was always the person who was there to listen to my troubles. Now he's gone forever.

[beecha]

netbrainer, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's completely awful. I actually had to stop myself today when someone emailed me a picture of my son. My first thought was, "I can't wait to send this to dad." Lost him two months ago to the day tomorrow. Sometimes it feels like yesterday, other times it feels like so impossibly long ago.

I'm sorry for all of us, but am thankful for this space to share.

[kayc]

netbrainer,

I'm sorry you lost your dad, but I'm very glad he had a loving partner who cared for him all the way through, that is invaluable. I hope you will be able to visit him, I'm sure it would mean the world to him...and to your dad. It is hard to get used to when we lose our parent, something we all go through but that doesn't lessen the pain of the adjustment. I hope you will continue to come here as desired.

[feralfae]

Dear Beecha,

I am so sorry for your loss, and that you did not get to say goodbye the way you wanted to. I hope you can come here often to visit with us, to share your grief here, and to find this is a healing sanctuary for our broken hearts.

Everyone handles grief in their own way, and here is a place where your own grief will be recognized and honored. This is a difficult path. But here we are, on it, and at least we have each other to help with the journey. We will be here for you. I wish you comfort and peace today.

Blessings to you,

*<twinkles>*

feralfae

[babbent514]

I lost my Dad 9 months ago.He just gave up because my Mom passed away 5months earlier.He didn't want to be here anymore without her.I found him on the couch after work and had to call 911 he passed 5hours later.Life is just not the same without them here.Was griefing for my Mom who I was very close too then he passed too.Still not doing good at all.Cry all the time.