Transformations On This Path

[feralfae]

Thank you Marty, that article is very much in line with what I am hearing these days, and to me, it makes a lot of sense. I can move on from it, but there are not warm, compassionate, accepting feelings for the criminals.

Good article.

fae

[kayc]

It's not what I've been taught all my life, but perhaps it's all in semantics. I still say it's for us, not them and I've seen the changes that have come about as a result of lack of forgiving turning to outright bitterness. That's something I never want to take place within myself. I don't think it's about warm and fuzzy feelings, that isn't natural for outright atrocities. I think we know, though, when we are at peace and have done the inner work that we need to do, that is what is important. It's always important to establish our boundaries and protect ourselves, to learn from the past, not be held by it. I also think forgiveness is not necessarily a one time act, in other words, sometimes it has a beginning point but it's a process and it comes neither easily or lightly. Some of the people I have forgiven do not have it within themselves to appreciate it. Some of them it would be a waste to tell them I forgive them, they would take it wrong anyway, so why go there.

To intimate that forgiveness has to do with a "right situation" is folly! If it was a right situation, forgiveness would not be needed! Again, it's not about what someone deserves or doesn't, it's not about them at all!

I do know that fae is not a bitter person, she would never waste time on such, and should not concern herself with it, she is doing remarkable with all of the situations that have presented to her. Love you, fae!

[feralfae]

Thank you Kay, everyone.

I've been sort of away for a while, busy coping with repairs and broken things from the godsons being out here. Teenagers! They broke the ice dispenser on the refrigerator, apparently blew the engine in the riding mower, and I am not yet sure what they did to the chain saw. Sigh. The refrigerator is fixed, the riding mower may need to be replaced, because the new engine would be almost as much as buying another mower, and although there are less than 100 miles on it, and it is in wonderful condition other than the motor, the motor is definitely not working. I am going to have Jason talk to the repairman. The saw I will take in to the saw repair place and see if they can fix it. Doug would be livid with them, but I don't have the energy to do more than remember that they are not to be turned loose with such expensive tools.

On forgiveness, one of the counselors I had, who was a devout Christian, told me I could not heal unless I could truly and honestly forgive and love those who had injured me. That the only way to healing was through forgiveness, and he focused on that aspect a LOT. I was feeling pretty guilty that I could not forgive them.

But, that is all in the past, and I am hoping that I will continue healing from the traumas and soon be back to more of my usual spunky, bright self. I used to be so happy and enthusiastic. I want to feel that way again, as much as I can with this sadness that is in my heart, and which I think I will be carrying.

It is cold and rainy here, pretty dismal, and I am making chicken rice soup with some organic veggies. Today is a healing day, after more tests and poking yesterday at the hospital. The results won't be back until next week. No matter what, it is a stressful place, where I feel I must be on guard all the time to protect myself. That is an interesting feeling to have in a hospital, where one would expect to feel safe and cared for. But our poor hospital is terribly broken. I am doing the tests here simply because driving a hundred miles each way feels like too much some of the time. The more reliable tests are done elsewhere and sent to labs out of the country.

This is a pretty dismal post, actually, so I think I will go see if I can find something to do to cheer up myself a bit. I need to move to a more positive and compassionate place with myself today.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

I am so sorry to hear that you have been having some issues with broken things. This can be very unsettling. Teenagers and expensive tools are like three year olds being let loose in a candy shop or me being let loose in a chocolate store!

I do hope things can be repaired ~ I don’t think they intentionally did damage.

Forgiveness is a very tough topic. I think it is all about doing it for ourselves and not for the people who need the forgiveness. Why would we waste our precious time on something so negative? We are much more about love and when we forgive them in our own mind we release that negative energy. It in no way means that we have them over for coffee or that we give them any of our positive energy. It means that we forgive them in our own mind so that we can go about being the loving person we are meant to be.

Evil people can hurt you and not be able to understand that they did anything that needed to be forgiven for ~ the forgiveness from you releases you to spend your energy on healing from any injury you may have sustained not in making them feel better.

Past is past, dear fae, and you will continue to heal because that is what you are choosing to do.

I will be looking for an update on your tests. I love homemade soups and fall is the most perfect time to always have a pot on the stove. I have learned to make some pretty good soups using the low salt method. The secret is herbs ~ many different kinds of herbs that bring out the flavors.

When we are in a place that seems dismal to us ~ those here understand.

Love the picture above, QMary.

[mfh]

fae, I am so sorry those kids were not more careful with your expensive tools. I do think forgiveness is more about me letting go of anger and hurt than telling someone I forgive them. It is about what is in our hearts, I believe and if we wish we could forgive (let go) or actually do let go....that is sufficient, I think.

It is chilly here...about 60 degrees, cloudy all day with early rain and very very windy....fall has arrived in Wisconsin.

[feralfae]

Thank you Anne, Thank you Mary.

I have a lot on my mind right now, as well as on my heart, but I smile at my godsons, who meant only to help, and are simply "teenagers with tools."

On the forgiveness, I am more focused on releasing all the emotional energy linked to the traumas than anything else. Trying to forgive seems to keep me focused on their actions, and what I want to focus on is just letting the emotional baggage fall from my body and go back to be cleansed by Earth.

I have been missing Doug so much lately that I have been crying and singing at the same time. This was a time we celebrated the harvests, the turning of the leaves, the hunting, preparing for winter, here and in Alaska. Doug would probably be just back from moose hunting up his favorite creek in the arctic circle, his kayak filled with moose meat. We would be planning a party with wines, to share the moose's heart and liver with others, and to give thanks for our fellow living creature who will feed us through the winter. Lately, I have been sorting some papers that must be sorted, and once again, it is brought home to me how much I miss Doug's physical presence in our home.

It is a blustery, wet wind today, and has been a day of clouded skies. Tonight may dip below freezing. Mary, I don't know about you, but I savor these fall days of drama and swirling snow or rain. And I find I am sleeping an extra half hour or so, as my body begins to shift over to winter mode.

My goal is to maintain my weight with all the tempting breads (zucchini variations, of course!) and other delicious things we are all making as the harvest comes in. I am going to watch, and the first pound I put on means that I must walk until it is gone. I am making kale chips tomorrow. Today was the vat of soup and two loaves of banana/coconut/zucchini/chocolate chips bread. I have been nibbling it and it is very good, strange as it sounds.

I send you all wishes for a cozy, dry, calm, and healing night's sleep. And a big hug to each of the fur family members.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

I think in order to let it go, you can't focus on their actions, but you will find your own way to deal with it and I think you are already doing just that.

I have missed you here and was just about to write you when I saw you had posted.

I'm sorry about all of the broken things, so expensive too! I hope you get it all figured out.

I am having a colonoscopy Friday so can't eat tomorrow and will have to start drinking the dreaded nasty stuff...Fri. they are making me get up at 3 am to resume drinking it, ugh. Wishing the next two days were behind me already.

[feralfae]

Kay, Best wishes on a successful exam. My girlfriend Jenny had an exam yesterday, and everyone was praying, so I am happy to report that it is not cancer, that she does not need surgery, and that a few simple things will fix the problem. Hurray!

We had SNOW last night. Not much, but a nice dusting. Jenny had more snow at her place.

The riding mower is probably going to be $1K, so it may sit until I feel more comfortable spending that much on it. And Jason said he might have time to put the new motor in, so that would mean only $600 or so. The ice dispenser is too expensive to fix, so I will simply declare it out of order, and fish ice cubes from the bin inside the door. The chain saw is going to be (only!) $75.00 to replace a fuel line that was pulled loose part way and then rubbed against some other part, so that I will get fixed this month. Thank goodness firewood is cut, the mowing can all wait until next year, and who needs a lot of ice in the winter in Montana?

The mountains on the Divide are white topped now. I know it is all going to melt very soon, but it is nice to have the shift for a few days. Meanwhile, I am having fun doing harvest time things. Today I will make some organic pork, elk, and spices sausage to freeze, then I am making lots of smoothies to freeze in small containers as well. Actually, I am making the juices and smoothies first, then the organic sausage. And there are three quarts of chicken vegetable soup in the freezer.

I hope your fasting can be a time of peace and meditation. But then, Friday getting up at 3 am sounds just ugh! But I am sure it will all go well with the tests.

Okay, there are carrots and apples calling to me to be juiced, so I'd better get back to work in the kitchen. I am still in a sort of hibernation mode here, so not reading much, and just nattering here on this thread, unless I see some fur family bulletin.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

My apples did not produce this year, most around here did not, am not sure why, perhaps the change in temp.

I am feeling sorry for myself today, unable to have coffee or anything to eat. Trying to keep my mind off it but starting to get hungry. I hope my blood sugar does not drop too low, I am not used to not eating being as I have Diabetes. Can't wait for this to be over and back home tomorrow.

I start drinking their mix in an hour, so will walk Arlie in 1/2 hour so as to be home near the bathroom when needed. Ugh.

I'm sorry the repairs are going to cost you so much! I've never had an ice dispenser but I'm sure if you're used to them, it'd be strange not to have it, we're habitual creatures! You're right, you can undoubtedly wait until spring on the tractor, it'd be great if Jason could put in the new motor for you. I can't imagine what they did to ruin the old one! And the chain saw, $75 sounds better than the other repairs. Alas, I've had a couple of "friends" borrow mine and ruin it, leaving me with the repairs, so I don't loan it out any more. Now that I'm older, though, I no longer can manage it and if I need something chain sawed, either my son does it or I hire someone and they bring their own. My son isn't around any more so his help is gone.

I hope you enjoy your juice! You sound industrious today! I listed some things on eBay but couldn't finish the last one, after spending an hour fiddling with it, discovered Adblock got crazy on me so I disabled it for eBay.

Hard to believe you had snow already! Is that common there? I've never seen it in September, the earliest here is late October. We'll see what happens this year, the weather patterns are changing, hotter drying summers and longer colder winters. We still have the fire threatening our town, it's grown to 3700 acres, it's only a mile out, and 64% contained. Air quality is horrible.

[feralfae]

One of the problems with fruiting is probably the absence of pollinators. Our area has been way down on bee populations. I have noticed how many fewer honey bees are around this year, and that may be due to the cold. I know my friend in Fairbanks has had his worst year ever with his honey bees, due to the rain and cold. I had very few apples this year as well. Not enough to make more than one pie, actually.

I got down one of my little buck saws, which I can use to saw up kindling, and it will be great exercise. When I lived far up in the mountains on the Montana-Idaho border, I used to saw wood by hand an hour a day just to keep my upper body strong. Now I can probably last about 15 minutes.

We had a hard freeze last night. There is ice on the pond, and the bird waterer is frozen since I forgot to plug it in. Many flowers are wilted and drooping this morning. It is supposed to warm up again, but this is a bit early even for us to have a hard freeze.

But Kay, snow where I live is not uncommon from October through early June. September is a bit early, but I have seen snow falling every month of the year here in my forest. One year, we had snow twice in July. It is the mountains, and fortunately, I love cold weather. Well, not the -60F of Fairbanks necessarily, but cold enough to ski is fine.

Kay, I hope the exam goes well.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

One year in Ouray CO it snowed on our July 4th parade....definitely by Labor Day snow was on the peaks and pretty much in our yard. WE were at 8900 feet. What does it mean to someone who has lost a beloved....i.e. the change in seasons?

[feralfae]

Dear Mary,

To me, the change in seasons lets me know that I have endured for another season without Doug, without being further terrorized, without being killed. I know that sounds dramatic, but it is how I felt driving home from town today. My shipments of GF cornbread, pancake, and muffin mixes arrived at the Post Office yesterday, so now I am set for winter with six of each. My two bags of GF ginger snaps arrived, but those may not last as long.

This was our favorite time of year, with hunting, the aspen turning, getting ready to build ice towers or other adventures for winter, to play and have fun in Alaska for part of the winter, then head down here for part of January through March or April.

And what else the change in seasons means to us who are now solo is that although we sometimes feel very solo, our beloved is filling our hearts with incredible energetic waves of love and tenderness. I know that, and so do you.

namaste,

fae

[enna]

Change of Season

When Jim was alive and we lived in the Midwest we used to go up to Door County during the Fall Season and spend a few days. It was a beautiful place to view the colors. We were not campers but there were many places to stay and the food was a real treat.

I loved the fall but in the spring you could not be in a better place to smell the cherry blossoms. I learned how to make my first cherry pies during that time.

Living in AZ we had to drive up north to view the colors. I have not done that yet since Jim died. I am not ready for the pain of a solo trip to view the changes.

As for my own changes ~ I continue to be amazed at how far I have come when I come upon another season. Usually, I reflect on these changes as the holidays come around. Fall is filled with the beginning of our most beautiful weather here in AZ. From late September to May it is outdoors time. My fruit trees are already filled with lemons and sweet oranges ~ almost ready to enjoy. I can almost smell lemon squares and lemon meringue pies for the holidays. Fresh squeezed orange juice is the best.

I know that I am not alone and that Jim is with me ~ I feel his presence. It is a bittersweet life for me now. This year I’m going to focus on doing for others ~ volunteering more.

Anne

[mfh]

Yes, fae, I too see fall as a marker...and autumn was our favorite time of the year. You have worked so hard this past year and it has paid off. Yes, we both know and so do many others that our beloveds are still with us in many ways.

Anne, Bill and I went to Door every year that we lived in the Midwest which was the vast majority of our life together. Just as you can't see a color trip to Sedona, I can't see myself returning to Door yet....but who knows where we will all be this time next year.

Today it rained all day, every time I put the leash on Bentley, the skies opened. Though we both had raincoats the spirit did not move me to get out there in it so I took Bentley for a short car ride....to the grocery store. He seemed content with that.

[feralfae]

{{{{{Bentley}}}}}

He is just a wonderful dog.

[mfh]

[kayc]

There are lots of bees here, but I guess a lot less honey bees.

I'd give anything for some rain, this is Oregon, the weather seems to have forgotten that. Our fire is now 5,000 acres and only 60% contained so it's going backwards...it'll be in the 90s this weekend and high winds. Don't like what that means.

Change of seasons...it's a reminder of how much I miss George. We used to go for a drive in the Autumn and pick a bouquet of leaves for the table. I haven't since, it's not the same without him.

Going into winter I am reminded of how this grown man that had so much zest for life lured me into making snow angels with him. He loved everything about life.

Entering Spring and we'd fill the hummingbird feeder and plant flowers, he loved to have a small vegetable garden too...I did not inherit his green thumb. He'd take pictures of the flowers as they bloomed.

Summer was time to hit the beach for romantic getaways...

[feralfae]

Kay,

I am smiling at your wonderful memories, and the snow angels resonated.

One winter, when it was about -40F, Doug and I walked over to a local lake, and flopped down on the deep, unbroken snow, and made snow angels. We had so much fun. I know you and George did too.

We are all going to learn how to do more fun things in new ways. It is inevitable.

Marty, thank you for the link on solo travel. I really appreciate that.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

fae,

It warms my heart to hear of another couple so lighthearted and playful with each other.

[Queeniemary]

Our change of season is happening fast here in the Ozarks. 46 degrees when I got up this morning, high is only supposed to be mid 60s. It will warm up a little later this week, but I think our hot days are over. I love fall, always a favorite time of year.

QMary

[feralfae]

It is late summer here, and today, the whitetail doe with whom I share this forest came through with her two fawns, bringing them in to see me, and to understand that this is a safe place. Then they headed down to the little pond. They are so very beautiful, spotted and soft, quivering in their vulnerability, and slowly getting to know Earth. I hope they are not chased by dogs, and that they can live here in peace for this life. I think the neighbors finally put in an electronic fence to keep their dogs on their property, because their dogs did chase wildlife, so I mentioned it to them, personally, about their dogs running the animals. We have a strict leash law, but people often ignore it.

It was such a beautiful gift to get to say hello to the fawns. I am sure their mother will show them where I put out the pulp from juicing, peels, and other fruit and vegetable trimmings. Doug used to take out the bowl every morning, and then we would watch them come in from the deep forest to nibble at the day's offerings.

I am learning to remember Doug with love and gratitude. And lots of smiles. This is a special time of year for us, and the cooling days are flooding my heart with wonderful memories.

namaste,

fae

[kayc]

fae,

I, too, love the wildlife and want my place to be a safe and secure place for them to graze on the grass and moss that they find, or even to reach up and grab an apple off one of the trees. I have taught Arlie NOT to bark at the deer and elk. When he sees them his eyes get big, but he remains quiet.

[ohsosad]

Sadly, I live amidst hunters who are chomping at the bit for deer hunting season to start. The few deer that are left in this area will be massacred come November. Another reason I would like to move away.

Rita

[feralfae]

Rita,

I swear the deer and elk and moose around here get a copy of the hunting regulations each season and read them, and that they understand where the posted and therefore safe property is. Most of our neighborhood deer have been poached, not hunted legally. Our big problem is the cats and dogs running free, killing the wildlife, so that all the grouse, jackrabbits, and pine squirrels have disappeared since we moved out here. Most of the birds are gone as well, since cats climb trees and eat nestlings. Doug put up cat stops around many of the trees in the forest, but that only protects the birds so much, as the fledglings are still vulnerable.

And our poor deer graze around the area, so we cannot police everyone. My girlfriend who lives further up in the mountains has elk, antelope, deer, and moose on her property, and poachers come through occasionally.

Don't move until you feel strong enough and ready to move. Everything looks dark and shadowed right now. Let yourself do some more healing before you make any decisions about moving. Things can wait until you feel stronger and more able to walk in your own power again.

Blessings,

fae

[mfh]

Bill and I were blessed to "own" (no one can own the earth) 67 acres of woods, springs, meadows and rock outcropping. We spent the first summer posting the entire perimeter of our land (no hunting signs every few feet)...took many days. The previous owner had not lived in the house and many hunters used the land and came through anyway, some bold enough to park in our driveway....those were the ones we could politely ask to leave. Eventually we got the word out. On the first day of rifle season in about the 3rd year of our life there, our yard was full of deer...many many deer...we fed them....they knew where it was safe and in the following spring they brought their fawns and one even gave birth before Bill's eyes.

I used to comfort myself with the message that were it not for the hunters, many deer would die a slow death of starvation because we took their land from them. It helped a little. but now we are into hunting season in Wisconsin where hunting is a religion...that and the Green Bay Packers. I live around all of it....try to ignore it. I would not move because of hunting....however. I agree with fae, the dogs and cats running lose put wildlife at a huge risk. So do we humans. Now that I am in a village that enforces leashes and no outdoor cats, I appreciate the enforcement.

Think about enjoying your home until you heal a bit...everywhere we can live, there are things we do not wish to have there. There is no perfect place. In Colorado mountain lions did the deer hunting...in our yard!