Transformations On This Path

[mfh]

Well, Queen Mary, you and fae and I may be the only people who like winter. That first snowfall is beautiful and filled with memories of walking in many of those first beauties. I see winter as an interior time...and a break from all the doing and going.

[feralfae]

Skipping lightly back into beautiful autumn for a moment, I took the MG in for a check, then took off and drove up the old road from Helena to Wolf Creek, through the Prickly Pear Canyon, where the shadows of the high stone walls still chill the air on the sunniest of days, deep in the cut of the creek.

Along the old road, I drove slowly through cathedrals of golden leaves, arching overhead and across, as the tall aspens swayed softly in the breeze, rippling with sunlight and wind. And I though how beautiful our Earth is, and how little we find time to celebrate the beauty of Her wealth. She shares it all so abundantly with us, free of charge.

It was a drive of great beauty. Just north of Wolf Creek, I emerged from the canyon and rolled out on to the hills of the Mighty Mo, the Missouri, gathering speed and water and pushing with so much power that I could feel the pull of the river from along the bank. Fly fishermen prayed in the back waters, and floating fisherman stood in their boats, casting out to bring in the hungry trout. It was a very lovely Sea of Galilee sort of moment, and the peace was all around me.

As I drove back along that same spot of river about an hour later, having made a great circle of my tour, I felt a sense of peace and safety and belonging descend over me that I have not felt since Doug left. Maybe even a little before, when the robberies began. But today, I felt at peace, safe, and that somehow, in one moment, a door had opened and a palpable fortress of protection had descended around me, traveling along with me and the car, moving with me, keeping me safe. It is a lovely feeling, and while it still comes and goes, I will remember and encourage the feeling. There was a decidedly Doug flavor to the sense of protection. Gentle and strong. It feels really good.

So, I think we have about two more weeks of beautiful days of painted trees here along the Divide. I am going to go out for drives in different directions every day I can, and hope to take a few photos. It is heavenly beautiful this time of year, and I feel so blessed to be in a place where I met only two cars all the time I was on the old road. There are places along that road where Doug and I would stop and just smile at the beauty of the canyon, and the possibility of seeing big horn sheep or moose. So, this 32-month anniversary, I had some nice memories of our drives in autumns past.

Then I had lunch with my god-daughter, who is the mother of the boys I mention often. They are all doing well in school. We had a two-hour lunch, laughing and sharing silly things. I have enough food left for lunch tomorrow.

Now then, back to the discussion of beautiful winter, and the high key photo opportunities, as well as the mesmerizing delight of looking at snowflakes through a lens. I plan to X-C ski this winter, and am exercising in that direction. I love first snows, and also the fact that out here, snow stays pretty clean and white unless I go out and stomp through it, and even then, it stays white.

The doe was through with her two fawns this evening earlier. They feasted on apple cores, pear cores, banana peels, and a few strawberry tops. We share.

I know there are a lot of smileys in this note, but it has been that sort of a beautiful day. And the beautiful full moon is lighting the forest with beautiful light.

namaste,

fae

[feralfae]

I was so proud of myself for making through yesterday, for finding ways to celebrate and remember Doug, for being able to smile at memories.

But it hit me this morning, and I cannot stop the tears. All that energy and boundless life, all that loving, caring, playing, happiness, strength of character, deep, deep integrity and all the hugs. Gone. I know this is just a moment in time, and that I am simply surrendering to the moment of grief, of loss, of so much pain that my heart won't let the tears stop.

But after holding it all together yesterday, seeing people, taking a drive, feeling thankful for Doug, our love, our marriage, and also proud that I was doing so well by all the standards of our culture, this morning has been nothing but deep, deep pain at the loss. I walked into the living room. Doug will never, ever sit in his chair again. I walked into the kitchen. Doug will never, ever come to hug me while I prepare our breakfast. I walked outside. Doug will never, ever call to me again to come see a bird, or to watch the rabbits (the buns) or sit with me on the patio.

I feel his love all around me, but oh!, how I wish for more today, just for him to be here to hold me and hug me and rock me in his arms while I cry these tears of deeper surrender to the reality of his physical absence.

It is Wednesday, and I have the whole day off, so I think I will do what I did not do yesterday. I will write in my journal, meditate, sit quietly with myself, and remember that there is still a loving G*d watching over me and that Doug's loving spirit is still with me, loving and caring for me.

But, some days, it is just a lot of accept.

I know this is just a time of remembering and grief, and I will feel better tomorrow or the next day.

I know these are feelings I need to feel, let flow with tears, and then release.

But for right now, today, my heart feels entirely empty. I know more love will come to fill it. But, how I wish right now that Doug were still here with me, able to give me a hug and tell me how very much he loves me.

My heart is just hurting with longing today. Life feels entirely empty. These are the feelings that are welling up, so I will let them come, and let them go.

namaste,

fae

[enna]

Oh, dear fae,

I wish I were an artist so I could paint the beautiful picture you described in your post yesterday. Thank you for the imagery ~ your words are breathtaking.

Today is a new day and you are doing what we all strive to do and that is to be in the moment. Allowing tears and feelings are healing tools.

I send you hugs and much love across the miles ~ you are not alone. We learn to accept where we are as Josh Grodan says in this song.

[mfh]

Oh, fae, I so understand your words and feelings. I think what we learn as we do our grief journey is that those days will come and with them all the feelings, the missing our beloved, the pain and that better days will also come...that the feelings pass and retire to the back of our hearts where they live. Yes, feel them and love yourself today.

[kayc]

Anne, you are so sweet, always looking after us with just the right picture, right words, right song.

fae, I know, sometimes it just hits harder than other times and we miss them so unbearably, but we've learned that this will pass...until the next time it hits, and in between we carry it quietly inside of us.

I, too, love winter, but am good and ready for it to be done by the time it goes, it seems to last seven months now, and pray it takes all the hardship with it. But for a while, I enjoy it, the beauty of the snow, the sparkle of the frost, enjoying a toasty fire and hot homemade soups. I don't want to rush Autumn, though, it is my favorite season and it doesn't get it's just due, all too short!

[Wifflesnook]

It's the night of the October full moon. Always special for Pete and I . Oh Fae I'm so sorry for your sorrow today. I share it of course. I cope so well with my new bereft life. But beneath that facade the pain is so intense and I can't imagine it will ever be otherwise. I love your postings, both the happy and the sad ones. I know you shared so much with Doug and have lost so much. I think on this site our broken hearts reach out to each other. It helps me to know you are all there. Feeling like me. X

[mfh]

Jan, I was actually up last night watching the blood eclipse. The sky was awesome. Here is a shot of it taken from Australia

[mfh]

Kay, I am with you. I like winter but by late April, I am ready for warm.

[feralfae]

I stayed up most of the night, and watched the slow shift from white to ... well, salmon, more than red, but still, it was a truly spectacular sight to witness.

My favorite memory is when the whole moon was red, except for a tiny, tiny spot of brilliant white on the margin. That was great to watch.

Thank you for the kind remarks, Kay, Mary, Jan, and Anne. I am pretty much better this afternoon, and wrote several pages in my journal. I have been meditating a lot today, which really helps in releasing the grief, pain, and emptiness, and helps to fill my heart with life, energy and love. I think it is a Kornfield CD. Very healing. I have listened to it three times to day, and Belleruth's grief healing as well.

Yes, we do get through these days when it all erupts once again. Or floods once again. All those overwhelming, overmastering sorts of metaphors apply. But, gosh, they really hurt a lot while the feelings are coursing through my body.

Tonight, I am going to watch a silly film that makes me laugh.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

Yes, fae, they really do hurt...almost like early days...perhaps the only difference is that we know it will pass and that we can handle it but the pain is raw and real. Glad you are watching something fun tonight. I just got home from salad night (a bunch of women all bring salad stuff and we throw it in a big bowl and have a salad and whatever else is there. We all laughed hard tonight as we also talked about the condition of the world. Bittersweet...like life.

[Wifflesnook]

I love the moon picture Mary. We didn't have the eclipse here but I remember one especially, driving out with Pete into the Yorkshire Wolds and sitting watching it. Magic.

[mfh]

Those memories are treasure, Jan. They keep us going. I remember one night, very late as in 3am Bill and I drove out I to the country to see a meteor shower and the police came with spotlights which totally destroyed the darkness we were seeking so we could see the shower. The cop ended up directing us to a better spot so we could see them from the top of a country hill.

[kayc]

I didn't see the eclipse (too much on my mind to even think of it at the time even though I was up), but the night of my birthday, as we were driving home from dinner, the moon was incredible and it had a few hazy clouds drifting through it which gave it a Halloween feel, really cool looking!

fae, I hope you found a good movie to watch!

I've had a really hard week, my birthday was really tough with some of the things going on, and quite honestly, I'm glad the last week is done and hopefully this next week goes better.

[mfh]

Kay, I am so sorry your birthday week was so tough. I am glad for you that the week is behind you and do hope today and the rest of the week is more peaceful and healing.

[feralfae]

Kay,

I am hoping for a much better week for you. I keep hoping you will have a whole month of peace, with no big shifts, so you can relax and get some healing rest.

Typing of which, I will probably take another day off tomorrow, since Saturday at the Holter is going to be very hectic. I have GF bread, bacon, tomato, and lettuce so I can make myself a couple of BLTs to take on a picnic if I go for a drive. And chocolate.

My new test kiln arrived today. Jason, our godson who is at Montana Tech (formerly the famous Montana School of Mines) in Butte, came over and we ordered the new engine for the little mower/tractor. He said he will put it in one Saturday. I had thought it might take me half of the winter. I am so excited to have my new test kiln: I have about six new recipes for glazes that I designed that I want to test and then maybe use on some pieces.

Thank you for understanding words about memories, Mary. I feel that I am entering a state of grace when I can remember and hold the memory and feel the love, and the loss no longer hurts. The memories are truly a wonderful gift. My favorite memory is the two of us watching the aurora as the musk oxen next to us were looking up as well. That was a night I will never forget. Musk Oxen have such thermally efficient hair (qiviut) that they do not feel warm standing next to you. Cattle and horses give off a significant amount of heat. Musk Oxen are designed for the Arctic. Very neat. I have a friend in Fairbanks who makes qiviut shawls and hats and scarves. nattering.

Anyway, as we stood there, watching the dance in the sky, Doug told me stories about wandering around in the Circle, picking bits of qiviut as he explored the country, looking for animal tracks and sometimes traveling in his kayak on glacier melt streams and rivers. Just taking a month or so to be out in country, using his Ranger skills, and living off the land. You can put qiviut inside your mittens to keep your hands warm.

Just the stuff you all wanted to know, but after all, winter is coming.

I hope everyone is having a peaceful and cozy night, and that we all have a wonderful tomorrow. I plan to play.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

Fae, I am so glad your kiln arrived. Enjoy!

I do understand it taking so long for memories of the happy, intimate, joyful, fulfilling times to become available following a loss. It took me forever also before I could see the joys that we shared, the fun, intimacy and more. Slowly they crept back in and now I carry both...the sadness and the joy, the love and the grief. At first I thought I would never remember the whole of our love but trauma has a way of masking so much. I am so glad the veil is lifting.

Peace to your heart,

Mary

[kayc]

I like Dave's Killer Bread (big out here), it's organic and full of seeds and nuts, expensive but worth every penny! It sounds like you're doing well, I like that you're excited about the kiln and getting to try different glazes. I ordered a new die for my birthday and it came yesterday, can't wait to have some time to try it out! It goes with my paper doll dies and will give me more versatility, I can make them into angels or fairies now or dress them up for Christmas! Who says paper dolls are for little girls! I also got a new dragonfly die a while back.

It sounds like you are very in tune with Doug and he is getting through to you. It has taken me so long to adjust to this new life, it's really been quite a process, but I feel I'm finally doing it...unbelievably long!

I am so glad all of us here are journeying together.

Today I celebrate my birthday with my other three sisters and daughter. It's always a little hard because they are getting older and we have to deal with the wheelchair and walker, I will be tired tonight. It's good to see them but I am usually someone relieved when the day is over too, if that makes any sense.

Enjoy your day!

[enna]

Fae, I am happy that you are remembering good memories. It seems like those of us who grieve a spouse take longer to SEE the good that we had because of the deep pain we went through. You are accepting those shifts with courage. Thank you for modeling this for me.

Happy to hear that your test kiln has arrived ~ I am waiting for pictures.

I hear that Montana is beautiful in the winter. I would need to dress in very heavy clothing ~ perhaps even adding some qiviut for both indoors and out!

Anne

[feralfae]

Anne,

I was doing well with good memories, but then the sadness of Doug's absence comes up again, and I lose my happy train of thought and fall back into such emptiness and sense of loss that I can only sit and cry. I am not sure why I am having such a hard time right now...

yes, even as I was typing the above, I know. It is October, the month of the emergency medical flight, the month of finding out that the cancer had spread a lot more, and that there was not much left to do to save Doug. It was the beginning of accepting the end would be not too far away. We were in Fairbanks, staying with friends after Doug's very major surgery, not even in our own place. We were staying with a doctor and his wife who is a nurse. It was a great help to have them there, right on hand when things would go wrong. They helped to keep Doug going while he healed, helped with the return emergency trip to the hospital when Doug could not keep anything down, and helped with getting special foods for him.

It was the beginning of the end. In October of 08 we had moved down here, seeking better care. In October of 11, we were back in Alaska, trying to keep Doug alive.

I think I will go meditate a while and see if I can help my heart to feel a little better. Once again, I cannot stop crying. I know this will pass, and I will feel better later. One hour at a time today.

namaste,

fae

[enna]

And you are not alone, dear Fae. We walk with you because you know we all have had our turn on the roller coaster. Remember, allow your feelings to just be. They will change. You have many memories during this month ~ good ones will surface again.

Carrying you in my heart.

Anne

[kayc]

I hope you have a better day today, fae!

[feralfae]

Hi Kay,

Thank you. Just home from an incredibly long work stint at the Holter, where we are unpacking boxes of art for the upcoming big auction (the biggest fundraiser for the Holter) as well as starting to grow the inventory with things to sell during the season. Whew! I am going to go take a nap. It was a good day, very busy, but now I am tired.

Thank you.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Yesterday I didn't do too much, I was exhausted from taking my sister around Friday (walker in and out of the car, it's very heavy, carrying her packages, trying to keep her from falling, etc.).

I hope today is a quiet day for you and you can relax.

[mfh]

fae and Kay, you both sound like a restful Sunday is in order today. I hope you diddle away the day. Kay, those trips with your sister do sound exhausting and I respect your choice to do them and know they mean a lot to you also. I hope your day is free to spend resting ....fae also.