Transformations On This Path

[feralfae]

I was reading all these wonderful messages this morning, and realizing how much you have all become "family" to me in ways that seem to transcend "tribe" although that word is still appropriate as well.

I watch how we all find the best ways to integrate the events of our lives into where we are today, even as we grieve and work to make our own way in this new situation (I know it is almost three years, but it still feels new every time some new event happens!) and in all the new situations that keep coming along, as we learn to cope with things from this new perspective.

I don't think I could give up my home here to move closer to my daughters, who are both very independent and opinionated, anyway. Probably got it from me. But I am still able to live alone and make my own life, and I hope to keep doing so for as long as I am able. While it is wonderful to have the children visit, I find that I fall into the usual Mom role of cooking, cleaning, listening and shifting my life to accommodate theirs. When I visit them, it is pretty much the same pattern. The visits usually end with me exhausted and financially depleted. We have these family roles we play, and it is certainly tough to break out of them. I am glad you are being clear on the "house rules" for everyone, QMary.

I am trying to make the shift to the years of "Mom is older now, and we need to take care of her" rather than the "but you are our Mom, and this is your job!" of all these years. And I would cave to the guilt of being a good mom. Now, at least I am finally putting some rules together. Hearing how you are handling your own situations is so very helpful.

Our corgi at the ranch, Oliver, was once sprayed thoroughly by two skunks who got into the big house through the dog door. Oliver took them on, and got sprayed at least twice. The entire hallway and kitchen were very strong eau de skunk. Poor Oliver got bathed many times. We found cider vinegar somewhat helpful, after failing to find any help in tomato juice. That was quite the day.

Mary, great suggestion about the music. For me, it is not only loud music, but also obnoxious "music" that is mostly noise. My solution was to line up eight hours of classical on my iPod and let it play in the background, and if anyone turned on their "music" I'd let them know that I was listening to My music in My house, and ask them to turn theirs off, or use earplugs. Some pouting, but compliance.

Karen is back from Florida, and I am making a brunch of special banana/chocolate chip GF pancakes for us, and some special homemade sausages of organic pork and home-grown sage and savory. I had better get to the prep for the brunch. I am skipping meeting today to spend time with Karen, hearing about her two weeks in Florida, and then later today, I am going to take the little car for a color drive through the mountains of the Divide, since it is going to be in the 70s today. The color here is still quite beautiful, with aspen in various states of color shift.

I wish you each a wonderful day of peace and love, joy and light, and lots of time to enjoy your own company.

namaste,

fae

[mfh]

As generous as it is that adult children want their parent/s to move to be near them, I don't think until they ARE that older person they will comprehend all it takes to consider giving up the life we know, especially after losing so much of it, to start over knowing that as well intentioned as they are, they are busy with their own lives and the older parent is doing all the adjusting. I have seen some friends go through that and it is tough stuff.

My lawn, I was told, look like cranberry sauce when you add oranges to it. I will post a picture later. I would say 80% of the leaves on adorning my lawn and will be there until 98% of the leaves join them. Then my yard guy will use his lawn weapons and mulch all of them and I will wait for this glorious tree to repeat its autumn display again in 2015. our village is putting in new sewers and in order to get the grant to help pay for it, have removed many many many beautiful, old, magnificent trees from the main drag (so far). The street which was incredibly lovely is now looking like a war zone. Yes, they will plant more small trees and one person went to bat to fight to make them trees that are local to our area.

fae, yes on the music. I usually have some Indian flute or New Age music, Enya etc. I use to do an all day workshop on music, color and our body/minds using some of Steven Halpern's stuff. The chakras correlate with colors and music and as we move up the spine the music that correlates get softer and more gentle. The 6th chakra being Gregorian Chant and the 7th being silence. The hard rock correlates with the lower chakras of anger and fear which is what our kids are listening to in ear buds....and we wonder why there is so much anger and fear in our society.

Some chant to soothe your souls:

A bit of Enya:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZ91KDaW7kc

And some relaxing classical

And finally Steve Halpern music

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=steve+halpern+chakra+music

[Queeniemary]

Ah, Mary, Mike was a big fan of Enya, I think this afternoon I will take out a couple of the cd's and play them. Great thing about music, I do not have to worry about granddaughter playing it loud...she had ipod with ear accessories, so I won't hear a thing! Leaving for church soon....not sure the walls will still be standing...not after second Sunday in a row!!

Fae, how cool that you had a Corgi at the ranch, are they not wonderful little dogs!! They are pretty smart also.

QMary

[kayc]

Me, too, love Enya!

QMary,I love your "rules", esp. about making their cars "hit-proof"! I don't know that I could handle kids living here for two months, but I'm sure I'd accommodate them if it were needed, that's just what we moms do.

fae, I like your mentioning your trying to change your role with your kids...mine may have been a slight start in that direction, but when my son called at the last minute to tell me he was coming for my birthday weekend (our previous conversation he hadn't shown any interest and sounded like he wouldn't be here for a year or so), I let him know I already had plans and they'd be on their own Saturday. I was proud of myself for not buckling and canceling my plans! They need to know we have lives and aren't just sitting around waiting for them to grace us with their presence.

Thanks for the tip on de-skunking (vinegar), I'll pass it on!

My pregnant skunk I haven't seen for a couple of weeks, I think she didn't like the mothballs I put under the house, garage, patio, etc.

[Wifflesnook]

Yes Fae, we do feel like family. As for moving to be nearer actual family I know this was expected of me when Pete died and it came up again yesterday when I was talking to local friends. By USA standards I don't live so far from our son (30 miles) but I hardly ever see him (too busy doing marathons, iron mans, etc), and I live 90 miles from our daughter and two little grands (to use a USA expression which I rather like). When I visit them it's so full on as they are four and two and don't go to bed until toooo late, I long for the peace of home even though I love being with them. When I'm here in the home we loved so much surrounded by sea and river and fields I feel closest to my Pete. I'm 73 now and have to face that one day ..... But until then I stay. At present I'm deeply involved with fighting two different schemes, one to place a new caravan site plonk in the middle of our tiny hamlet, and one to put up a visitors's centre and car parking. Both would change our landscape utterly so I'm fighting. Some might say I'm too old to be affected by them long term but I say I want to do what I can to preserve a beautiful place.

[feralfae]

Jan,

I think we do what we can to help the Earth because it is our home and our children's home as well. Good for you!

I just came back from taking one of our favorite drives through an area of beautiful color. First time I have been that way since Doug left, and I am glad I am back home so I can cry. I just miss him.

Driving along, looking at all the beautiful mountains so filled with joyful color, watching the sun sparkling off the water of the Missouri down below, and also being stopped three times for cows and cowboys on the road, all I could do was thank G*d that I am here to enjoy this, and of course wishing so much that Doug knows how much I miss and love him, and especially miss doing joyful things with him like today.

Your area is so beautiful, and the birds that you see coming through must be marvelous. I am glad you are going to stay there for as long as you can. I think your home is a place that heals your heart. I know mine is healed here, even if it is tough sometimes to sort things and think of Doug in all these spaces and places.

Namaste,

fae

[feralfae]

Mary,

I always think cars should just behave and run well. I, too, hate spending the money on fixing cars, and I am spoiled because Doug would fix almost all problems, so I never worried. Now, we are all learning more about cars.

And we are making it, one day at a time.

namaste,

fae

[mfh]

Yes, fae. Bill did all that needed to be done to our cars. I hear you loud and clear. Same with fixing things around the house. I never realized how much he saved us though I had a good idea. Glad you saw color today. I did the same as I drove to Galena, IL where we started our life together and where my dentist is...the colors were breathtaking and yes, all I needed to be pure joy was Bill sitting next to me. I know, fae. I know.

[feralfae]

[kayc]

Jan, thank you for sharing that beautiful picture, it looks serene!

[Wifflesnook]

Serene than but yesterday battered by gales. The peninsula was cut off by the waves yet again. Wild weather here.

[Queeniemary]

Jan, beautiful picture. I always thought I would love living by the sea.....all those "Murder She Wrote" shows I think. I do want to travel east someday and visit lighthouses on east coast, but don't know when, if ever that will be. Would be a very long trip.

So far everything fine with daughter and granddaughter living here. My daughter is not here that much, working, and spending most evenings with Wayne. My granddaughter MaCayla is excellent company, and I am enjoying her. They are all going to be here for dinner tonight. Wayne, his daughter, and my daughter and her girls, but I am not doing the cooking, my daughter is doing that.

Looking forward to my weekend away in Eureka Springs. I think the colors will be lovely. I will leave on Friday morning with my friend Joe, and get back on Sunday just in time to see the last performance of our fall comedy at the Lyric Theatre.

Going for my pneumonia shot today, got the flu shot last Saturday at a clinic my Doctor had at his office. Should be now all set for the year.....annual check up all done, and mostly everything really good. I may live another year!

QMary

[feralfae]

"Going for my pneumonia shot today, got the flu shot last Saturday at a clinic my Doctor had at his office. Should be now all set for the year.....annual check up all done, and mostly everything really good. I may live another year! QMary"

I am so glad everything is going well! Have fun in Eureka Springs, and enjoy the beauty of the days -- I know you will. So glad you are not doing the cooking for the dinner, too!

fae

[kayc]

Jim came for a couple of days...he is DEFINITELY Asperger's...which isn't his fault and nothing to change, but I realize all the more how extremely hard it would be to live with. He is extremely OCD and fixates on something for up to years. He needed to get away and I'm glad he feels comfortable to do so here, but I couldn't take too much I realize...glad to be alone again.

I'm going on my retreat Friday and wouldn't you know, today I got the first signs of an ear infection. They come on me terribly fast, usually on a weekend. NOT something I want to deal with when I'm at retreat! Doctor isn't in today so I have to go the 100+ mile round trip tomorrow. Ugh! I'm noticing it's hard for me to go to town now that my mom is dead, and not have her to go see. I'm so accustomed to it, it's just a reminder.

Today I'm changing to my Fall flowers and decorations, vaccuumed, cleaned the inside of the car and truck, am doing laundry, taking hummingbird feeder down to clean/store for winter, and filling water jugs. All I have left to do is fold clothes. I got the rest of the house cleaned and budget worked on yesterday. BTW, my Xboss paid me the last of my $ yesterday, he didn't have a lot left but it's nice to know I never need to text/email/talk to him again. I feel free!!!

[Wifflesnook]

Oh Kay I do hope your ear gets better. You sound to be busy. You must have mentioned the retreat and I didn't notice. Is it a weekend one? I think it must be a good idea to just get away and think or pray or whatever. There isn't anywhere I could go and lately I'm so busy with this fight against a caravan site and next week visitors and the week after looking after the girls I know I need time to reflect, especially as it will be three years on 7th November that mine and Pete's lives changes utterly when he had the stroke. But when things calm down I will make time

[kayc]

We are having record rains, up to 4 inches, I hate to make this long trip to town in this, esp. since other drivers don't always allow for the conditions. But I'm afraid of going away and entering the weekend with ear pain that I don't know if it's developed into an infection or not. I'd give it a "wait and see" if it weren't for their being no doctors available where/when I'm going. I'm leaving tomorrow morning and coming back Sunday night. It's a Ladies' Retreat through my local church so they're all people I know. My GF is coming back from TX for it, with her daughter, and we and another friend are going to drive up tomorrow. The rest of the group is going today.

I'm thinking my garage may flood if it keeps up this rain, there was already water seeping into it last night. It's at the bottom of a 15% grade driveway.

Perhaps you could just get away and take time to reflect on the anniversary of Pete's death. I know it's distracting to me having the animals to take care of and if I was totally alone for a weekend it'd be easier to reflect.

[enna]

I hope the you are on an antibiotic for your ear if it is an infection. I am sure that you have reminders of your mom's death when you go into town ~ you did it for so long. I've seen your news there and your area is getting quite a bit of rain. I hope you will not get any water in your garage!

Have a good retreat and visit with your GF ~ will she be going back to TX right after the retreat or will you have a chance to visit?

[kayc]

Well it turns out I do not have an ear infection but it's due to the abrupt weather change (cold/rain). It did NOT rain 4" as predicted and the water is at the edge of the garage but not inside yet. The pain in my hand is likely carpal tunnel she said (overuse) so I need to wear my braces more.

My GF will be cleaning out her place, selling stuff, packing, etc so she'll be here a while but not much time for visiting. Her daughter is coming with her to help her.

[Queeniemary]

Have a great retreat Kayc, hope your ear does not bother you at all!! We are both having adventures this weekend...we will have to compare notes when we both get back!
Safe travels.
QMary

[kayc]

Well as you may have gathered already, I didn't get to go to retreat, instead had an emergency trip to the vet (on fur-babies section). I will get to see my GF after she gets back from retreat as she'll be packing, selling stuff, and moving, I'm sure I'll be helping her with it. So the weekend turned out way different than planned, I won't get to see the ocean after all, but at least we're back home and hopefully can have some rest here. I hope your weekend turns out great, QMary!

[feralfae]

Kay, I hope Arlie is doing well and that you are doing well also.

It rained all night here, and fortunately, it all soaked in to the ground, so that will help to keep down the wind stripping of moisture killing trees this winter. We are hovering just above freezing most nights, but I know winter is on its way. I am going out to move things around in the storage space, where I have a lot of miscellaneous stuff stored, to make room to put the little car away soon, and take out the battery so I can bring it home and put it on the battery minder for winter. Then the Honda will fit here in the garage.

I am going to work out in the studio today. I've cleaned all the kiln furniture (what we call the shelves and supports) and most of the glazes are sorted, as well as all the glaze ingredients that I keep in their little bags inside a big waterproof lidded box.

This afternoon, I am going to go visit Verna at the retirement center. She is in her mid-80s now, and doing pretty well, but lonely. I am not going to meeting this morning, as I am still sorting out some things. I hope to be back at meeting by next week, though.

Off to find my studio apron.

I am smiling because I have all these plans, but know they could change if someone calls, or something pops up that is more important to get done. Life is so changeable. And we just find ways to adapt, no matter what.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

I was thinking about what I wrote earlier as I sit here, waiting for the fire to catch in the fireplace, so I can cozy up and spend part of the morning writing in my journal. My excuse is that I cannot find my studio apron. I was thinking about what I wrote earlier to Elly and also here to Kay.

I have come a long, long way, and it is worth noting. Three years ago at this time, Doug was struggling to stay alive after his last major surgery, and we were trying to figure out what to do next. He was in clinical trials of two types, and doing all he could to stay on Earth, all the while listening to the oncologists and surgeons telling us that there was not much more they could do, and the clinical trials physician in Canada doing all he could to help us, and others in the medical field offering more clinical trials and other assistance.

I was physically weak, in constant pain from a back injury, and hardly able to cope with my own health issues, let alone take care of Doug. But we went on, and Doug lasted 3 more months, fighting every day until the last few weeks, when he became more resigned to leaving.

As I sit here this Sunday morning, I can easily step back into the days of desperation when we were still trying to find a way to save Doug. Then I can fast-forward to February, and his last days, while he dictated notes, wrote notes, sorted papers, and prepared to leave. And I can recall how my whole world just fell away from under my feet when he left. I was in bed with him, holding him, and I remember when his breathing stopped, and his heart stopped, and yet I held on to him, hoping he would decide to come back after a minute to two. But he didn't.

And even with all we had been through, I had not the slightest inkling of how painful and soul-tearing it would be when he left. Everything in my world toppled and fell into a heap of confusion and despair, of grief and heart break.

As I read the cries for peace, for comfort, for reassurance, and for an undoing of our losses from some of our more recent Tribe members, I wish I could reach out and hold and comfort each of you. The pain is so very overwhelming. The loss is the end of our world and our life as we knew it. The list of "never agains" is too painful to contemplate for at least a year or more. The first year of fog, survival, trying to find balance to walk in the world again, and the ever-present yawning hole in our hearts and lives takes all the energy we have to navigate through each hour, each day.

We do heal somewhat, and we do go on. I am not sure if I could trace the steps and the learnings that led me to this day, today. But today, I am stronger, I have a better—if still minimal—sense of who I am alone, solo, on this life Path. I truly do not know where my life is going, and have yet to find the solid, grounded courage to make new plans and to dream new dreams to replace all the ones I've lost. I am just making it day by day. But I am making it, and although there is not the beautiful joy and love in my life that was once my constant life, I am here, and things will continue to improve.

So, I think I want to say this:

Have Faith. No matter how dark and impossible things look today, you are not alone. There are blessings and love around you even if you cannot see or feel them right now. Healing after losing Doug is certainly the most rigorous, difficult, painful, confusing, overwhelming, and challenging exercise I have ever had to undertake. And it continues. And yet I have this gift of life, and I feel I owe Life something back for this gift. I have had the gift of Doug's love, and I want to celebrate that love and share some of it with others if I can find a way to do so. We can have Faith, no matter what, no matter how much we are hurting today. Sometimes we can just have Faith that something will warm our hearts today or tomorrow. Someone will share comfort with us. Somehow we will find a way to make it through this day and the next one, too. We are not alone, and even though our hearts feel abandoned and in pieces, we can go on. There will be better days ahead. I know because I have had some. Have Faith.

namaste,

fae

[kayc]

fae, I posted about Arlie in the furry section.

We do go on, but it is different, oh so very different, never to be the same again. At first that scared me, but I'm not scared anymore, I've somehow adjusted to what I thought was impossible to adjust to. We fail to give credit to our resilience, we are stronger than we think, even when we don't feel we are. That we are still here attests to that.

I have had to replace the joy of being held by George with memories of his love. No, it's not the same, but it's second best. I would say I cannot be robbed of that, but I watched my mother being robbed of her memories. I hope if that happens to me, that someone will do like I did with her, and tell me of George's love for me, over and over again. I cannot fear dementia any more than George's death, for we somehow go through all that life hands us.

There have been times when tiny doubts have crept in and whispered, "What if there IS no life after death? What if this is all there is and you never see George again?" Those thoughts anger me, they come unbidden and I dismiss them angrily. I have to believe, it's all that I have. The other night I watched some fantastic documentaries on how the earth was formed, the galaxies, the amazing circumstances that came together and formed our world so that we could exist! I cannot believe that all of this is mere coincidence, for it boggles my mind and imagination! And I am reminded how energy continues to exist, it merely changes form. Those things alone put my doubts at rest. I may not know all of the particulars, where, when, how, I only know that it will be...I will be with my George again.

[mfh]

Kay, you said: "I will be with my George again."

I believe it is normal and natural to question life after life for those who believe in it. From all we know life after life is so very different. We can't imagine it and that can lead to doubt. This is where faith comes in as you know so well. I, like you, believe you will see George again, just as I will see Bill, my parents, all the friends I have lost and yes, our first dog Buffy. What a reunion it will be.!!!

[Wifflesnook]

Kay, Fae, Mary you write so well and so meaningfully and thoughtfully. Now we are left without our beloved ones we think differently don't we? We are more spiritual (in different ways according to our hopes and beliefs), we inhabit a different world than we did when our loved ones were walking alongside us. I'm very aware that my view of life has changed. I'm still searching and I don't have any sure foothold but I too feel that the love Pete and I had isn't lost to me, nor to him. Somehow.