Transformations On This Path

[kayc]

I am not opposed to hunting. Most of us are not vegetarians and do eat some meat. I was raised around hunting and my kids grew up on venison, which is way healthier than beef, lower in fat than chicken. My husband hunted deer and elk as well as grouse, etc. I was BORN on a deer hunting trip!

But I myself do not hunt. It's been a long time since I've had venison to eat, and I no longer eat much meat, both because of budget and health. I enjoy the animals and want them to feel safe on my property. None of us here allow hunting on our land. There was a man name Walker that owned a lot of acreage up here and he pretty much made it a wildlife preserve. He allowed no hunting on his property and the animals well knew it. He passed away and his daughter is planning to clear cut...it will changed everything for the habitat and my heart grieves for what it will mean to the animals. I think old man Walker will turn over in his grave...I think he placed too much faith in his daughter, he should have spelled out in writing what he wanted done with his beloved property. Everyone in this area grieves what those changes will mean.

I do realize that a quick death at the hands of a hunter is far more humane than the slow tortuous death the animals would suffer if left to the natural order of things. I also realize that our fish and game commission tries to keep everything in balance. What I have no use for are the poachers. For everyone that poaches throws everything out of kilter. The gov't issues only so many tags for a reason. You don't want to know what I think they should do to poachers.

[feralfae]

Dear Friends, Tribe,

These past two weeks have been a time of great wonder, release, and realignment.

First, I flew to Fairbanks to spend 4 days there, staying at the home of a dear friend, who is a musician (she writes, composes, sings, plays, and I think has 5 albums out) while she was performing in Maine and then New Mexico. It was peaceful, beautiful, and healing to be in her home again, there in the birch forest. Her dog, Sasha, was staying next door, so I did not need to worry about Sasha's medications and trying to get her to take them. I took some walks with Sasha, and some walks alone. I visited and took photos in our fairy forest where we played and had picnics. I was able to release a lot of grief, and I sat in my chair out there in the forest, and let myself cry as long as I needed, both healing and being filled with all the love there.

I saw many friends, went to Meeting, and had coffee with one special person. I drove around and visited some of our favorite places. I missed going to our favorite restaurant, not realizing it was closed on Sundays. Next time. I spent a lot of time with girlfriends. I was not afraid, because I don't think any of the criminals even knew I was in town. So nice not to be tailed or otherwise harassed.

I am still processing all that happened while I was there, all the conversations I had, and all the wonderful visits I had there. I did not go to our old home, now the club HQ, where three of four people are living. That would have been too much. But I did drive down the road, and saw that Doug's jeep, which he donated to the club, is still there. Out in our forest, everything is the same, but overgrown. No one has been out there doing any clearing since we did it last in 2011. That is okay with me, because it discourages trespassers.

I feel very accomplished to have gone for a visit, to have faced some of my fears, to have been able to reach out and get a lot of emotional support from people there, and to put some fears to rest. It was a successful visit, even if I am still processing much of it.

I then came home for a few days, just long enough to do laundry. I packed the car and drove down to a big ranch just outside Yellowstone, where I took part in a Quaker Women's retreat. It was not at all what I expected, and I am most definitely still processing that experience. I got home yesterday evening, and I am still unpacking the car.

I feel a lot more at peace about Doug leaving (me). I feel a lot more capable of making my own way, even if I still feel empty being without Doug. I think that there will be good things before me, in my future. I am opening up a little bit to the world again.

All of October, my plan is to be here, mostly working in the studio, with a few hours at the desk, just getting back into throwing shapes and seeing how my hands do after these years of other sorts of doing.

I have yet to catch up on everyone here in our tribe, and what you are all doing these days, so I will spend some time today reading and seeing how you are all doing. Mary, thank you for the kind welcome.

It was good to go on the pilgrimage to Fairbanks, and it was interesting to go to the retreat. I imagine more will unfold about these trips as I process and rest and then process some more. Now it is time to go sort laundry, finish unpacking the car, and make myself some breakfast. At least I have today free to unwind and settle in.

namaste,

fae

[mfh]

fae, it sounds like you are listening to your own voice and following it and finding some release and peace. Your trip to Alaska and your Quaker retreat both sound like rewarding adventures. I do know the processing goes on....some because you deliberately sit down to process and other times because something trips off insights that you then process.

It is good to see you here. You were missed....for sure.

Peace,

Mary

[HAP]

Good to hear your voice again, Fae. Be well.

Peace,

Harry

[kayc]

My dear fae,

Welcome home, you are missed! I am so glad you had a lovely stay in Fairbanks and also at your Quaker retreat. I am going on a retreat later in October and look forward to it, it will be held at the coast. My GF that is moving to TX is officially engaged (not a big surprise) and will be coming back not only for our retreat, but to pack up, sell, get rid of her household of things.

I hope your day is going well and you aren't overdoing it. Yes, to do some art work will be good. I have been making more cards. I have decided to clean out some of my never or rarely used dies, and thought they'd sell better if I made sample cards using them (some people need suggestions to see what they can do with it), and in so doing, I had a great deal of fun, and now hate to part with the ones I have listed! Ha! That is the way it goes, I've sold a few and many more to go. I want to simplify and keep my favorites and those most versatile. But it has been great fun to stretch myself and see what i could do with the lesser used ones. I hope you have as much fun with your art when you get a chance to spend some time with it. I'm enjoying Autumn and looking forward to winter soups and sitting by the fire, although it can take it's time coming, no hurry to rush Autumn!

[feralfae]

I am truly feeling my way here, because I find myself in a situation that leaves me confused and feeling awkward.

The retreat I attended was different from any other retreat I have ever experienced. Mostly, I have been on Catholic and/or healing retreats, always with a spiritual focus at the center of the purpose, and with the expressed purpose of deepening in or healing spirit. All but two have been Christian.

The retreat I was just on was focused on process—one used by corporations, it was proudly announced. It felt very distant, removed and impersonal. Then, there was a larger personal issue: I was bunked in a room with a woman who can most kindly be described as a depressed, needy, assertive insomniac lesbian. No one told me prior to me accepting the room that I was being thrust into such a situation. I had little sleep, because she wanted to "share" into the wee hours and also early in the morning. I think she was trying to show herself to me. I was chastised privately for my un-Quakerly behavior, and it felt like manipulation to lower my guard through shaming me, because it was almost immediately followed by a proposition. I was terribly uncomfortable, mostly because I have no experience at going to a women's retreat and needing to be sexually on guard. There were other lesbians there as well, but they were couples. And rooming with a healthy, respectful, well-adjusted lesbian might have been okay, but I had arrived at the retreat with expectations based on many prior women's retreat. There were no other beds available.

I felt entirely blind-sided and there was no place for me to go unless I left the retreat entirely, which I did as soon as we were dismissed.

I know I am a jock sort of occasionally tom-boyish woman. But I love men. I came to the retreat especially wanting to share some of the magnificent joy from my trip to Alaska, and about the man with whom I had coffee there, and the wondrous *<twinkle>* that passed between us as we talked about life and living from spirit. I am not sure where we might fit into each other’s lives, but the visit was wonderful. I also saw another man while I was in Fairbanks. I have not invited either to visit my home yet. But I am delighted to have this male company. I am a woman, a rather powerful and occasionally intimidating, beautiful and creative woman who loves men and their wonderful bodies.

I am blissfully heterosexual, monogamous, and right now lonely, but deeply enjoyed seeing and being out with these superb men, both of whom are friends of Doug. Both climbers. Both geniuses. Both respected in their fields. I am blessed to have two men of such superb character interested in me. Both fascinating. Both delightful gentlemen. And, I know they are very lucky to have me to escort.

With men of this calibre, I can be my strong self, and not be mistaken for more of a jock than I have always been. With men of this courage and heart, I can dream big dreams, take great adventures, walk above the clouds in ice and snow, rock and air, at least metaphorically if not in fact. I can explore the mind and spirit, and take my dear body along to explore the Earth. We can see how far we can go with this precious life. We can lean into life, and let it carry us on new adventures. I hope to spend the rest of my life as I have spent most of the first half. But that does not make me a lesbian simply because I am a strong, athletic woman. I am beginning to think there is hope that I may have another partner, and spending time with these two excellent, strong, capable, independent, and honest men was a treat as well as a delight to me as a woman.

But, wow! did I ever feel undone at retreat! And I could not shake this woman at the retreat. We went for a hike, and she was my shadow. I tried to move away, but she stuck like glue. She was terribly wounded and needy, and I had terrible nights of not much sleep. She takes a lot of medications for some sort of brain disorder, so she didn't sleep much.

Usually, at women's retreats, room mates share and even bond a little bit, and we talk about husbands, children, lives, dreams, clothes, shoes, cooking, recipes, decorating, the retreat curriculum, our spiritual journey, such things. None of these things could I share about with her. And the retreat itself was strange. There was no spiritual content, no religious content, and the couple of times I mentioned Jesus, there were no takers. I felt very out of place. It was all awkwardly packaged to be comfortable for as wide a variety of people as possible, but in diluting the core of what I think of as a spiritual retreat, I felt the essence was lost in the effort to encompass such a board array of concerns and personalities.

​At first, when I left, I drove further up into the mountains, trying to figure out if I had done or said something that made this woman think I was gay. But I don't think so, because if I were gay, I would just tell people. I know I talked quite a bit about Doug, as he is still very much a part of my sense of my own self these days. Doug is still a significant part of my identity, and that may always be so.

Mostly, I felt unseen, unheard, and as though people were trying to label me without knowing anything about who I am . Very off-putting. I was deeply disappointed, not a little angry, and felt very out of my element. I have been working on a letter to the retreat organizer since even before I left, but my disappointment and anger are still too strong to write the letter. I just have disjointed notes. I need to calm down.

But on the other side of life, I had a note from one of the men I saw in Fairbanks. That made me smile. We will see. This whole month of October, I plan to be here in the studio, trying out these tired and weak hands and fingers and seeing how I do with the clay.

It is a rainy day, so I am not going to do the laundry, since I cannot hang it outside. I hope the weather clears before I run out of clean clothes. I still have laundry to do from the Alaska trip as well.

​Thank you for letting me natter here. Perhaps it is a fact of life now that we must not let our guard down with other women until we are sure they are like-minded. This is new territory for a woman who has been happily married most of her adult life. It is a whole new world out there, I see.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

Welcome back to our 'safe' place, fae.

After such a lovely time before your experience at the retreat I am sorry that something that could have been a very uplifting and spiritual event for you proved to be anything but ~ at a time when you are at such a vulnerable state I am beside myself that someone, anyone would come to a retreat and prove to be so needy. Something you did not need at this time in your life.

I have been on many retreats but like you mentioned they have all been healing and definitely centered on the spiritual.

I am sorry that you could not get a different sleeping situation ~ even a switch in roommates since there were no other beds available. I know that when we attend retreats we hope that we leave somewhat renewed.

I am so glad that you had good times with friends in Alaska. I love my men friends and it is so good to have them around as they respect me and who I am.

Sending fairy dust back to you as you sort things out. You do not need to convince yourself of the wonderful person you are ~ many of us know that you are a light in our midst.

Anne

[MartyT]

I couldn't agree more with what Anne has said to you, dear fae, and I'm so sorry that retreat turned out to be such a nightmare for you. I can assure you that, among your other stellar qualities, you've always struck me as a very feminine female. I've nothing against lesbians either, but to be stuck as you were with one so needy and so obviously troubled must have been awful for you.

I hope you find a way to put the memories of that retreat behind you ASAP, and focus on what sounds like a glorious time in Alaska. The rest of your post makes my heart sing for you ~ and no one deserves such happiness and hopefulness more than you do.

I too am glad to see you back here with us. Our fire just doesn't burn as bright without your presence here ♥

[mfh]

fae, I am so very sorry your retreat became so painful and empty. I am glad you left so quickly.

Your trip to Alaska sounds wonderful and hopeful in terms of insights, future, and more. Focusing on that will be healing.

[feralfae]

Oh, gosh, thank you all for your kind and loving words. Yes, I want to forget it all and simply never, ever go on this sort of retreat again.

And now, I am going to smile and remember what a lovely time I had in Alaska. The entire visit was really special. I think my heart is happier than it has been in quite a long time.

Thank you and namaste,

fae

[feralfae]

Hello Tribe,

I have reached the point where I could laugh about it, especially since I am smiling about the e-note from the brilliant Fairbanks guy. Well, you know, I am still a female. *<twinkles>*

So, just to stand in my own place and hold my own power, I sent this to the entire retreat group ): (See slightly snarky smirk in the corner of Fae's mouth.)

"Greetings!

There appeared to be a bit of speculation and assumptions about me at retreat, so let me clarify:

I am a flaming heterosexual, a monogamous female who finds men delicious and delightful. I am a strong, capable, brilliant, beautiful woman. And I adore strong, capable, brilliant, handsome men. David and Doug were both brilliant, superb jocks and athletes, and next to my wonderful husbands, I am very much a woman. Doug called me his hot babe jock.

I have no interest in a sexual relationship with another woman, especially when I find men and their bodies suit me so perfectly. I love men. I especially love athletic, strong, brilliant climbers. I hope to marry another one some day, or at least have a torrid affair with one. Right now, I am sorting out my life without Doug, but my sexuality remains secure.

There, I hope that clears up the speculation and the remarks I overheard.

*<twinkles>*

~toward entelechy

At play on the field of consciousness."

That was super fun to write!

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

Twill, fae,

I think this should clear up any confusion that may exist!

Mary

[feralfae]

Well, yes, I think so. I had a couple of emails from a couple of the other gay women there, and so I decided it was time to just put a stop to it without pointing out any person or persons.

And it was fun to write, especially about David and Doug. Both magnificent guys.

[mfh]

I hope they respect you and leave you alone now. Peace to your heart, fae!

[kayc]

fae,

I am so sorry to hear of your experience! Whenever a thought comes to you about what you'd like to address to the person in charge of the retreat, perhaps you could jot it down. They may be disjointed notes but in time you will be able to put together a letter that will cover the points you think need addressed.

Once the person knew you were not lesbian and not interested, she was greatly amiss for continuing to come on to you, however subtle...or not. I have been told that men don't usually approach me because they see me as too strong and independent. My response to that is, fine, they aren't for me then! It never stopped my George, he admired me for who I was. That, too, is the kind of a person you need in your life, as a friend or whatever, someone who greatly admires and appreciates you for who you are.

Years ago I had a very very bad experience at a religious retreat. It took me a few years to be willing to try one again, and when I did, I left myself an out and took my own car so I could escape, if need be. When I go in October my good friend Virgie will be driving me, and I've been with this group of ladies enough to know I have nothing to be wary of. I've learned that whenever I go with new people or a new organization I'm not as familiar with, to give myself an out. I had another time that I went to a "healer" that told you things about yourself and gave you direction...I was NOT comfortable and again, did not have a way home to just up and leave right then and had to see it through, but I would not do that again. Leave yourself an out, a way home.

I am just so sorry that something you thought would be uplifting turned out to be quite the opposite! Savor being home, everything about it, the sanctuary of your home, your freedom to come and go and be safe. Keep remembering the wonderful time you had in Alaska and put this horrid experience behind you.

I think it's important. whether heterosexual or homosexual, that people be respectful of others preferences and never ever try to coerce someone into anything they're not okay with.

[kayc]

I see my reply crossed with your further addendum, and you have replied back to them all already. Now don't give them a second thought! Have yourself a glass of wine,some Maya Gold, and a wonderful evening! Smiling...

[feralfae]

Oh! Good thought Kay!

I forgot about wine, but I had remembered chocolate. And I am going to watch an old comedy, "You've Got Mail" and have a girl night and maybe do my (very short) nails.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

I loved "You've Got Mail", cute movie!

[feralfae]

"You've Got mail" was super fun to watch. It is so cute.

Tomorrow, I'll be in the studio, keeping hours. It isn't all set up yet, but I am unpacking the kiln furniture. And there is clay to throw tomorrow. My goal is 5-10 persimmon vessels. But I may settle for five mugs or tea bowls, depending how my hands feel. There is a lot of muscle buildup that must happen. Arms and hands. I am ready for the routine, going from small pieces to larger ones, easy forms to hard ones.

So, this is an exciting time. The clock is set, the coffee is ready to make, and my studio apron is out on its hook. My chops are unpacked. My tools are all unpacked. This is really exciting.

Thank you all for the support today. I really had to come up with a way to get a clear message out to the whole gay Quaker community. I know we have a number of lesbian couples, and Friends Journal had one edition about gay ministry in Quaker work. But it is not a part of my identity, and I hate the hassle of aggressive gays preying on widows, and there are a few around in any segment of the culture. Just as there are men around who would do the same to us widows. It is so good we have each other to share wisdom and support about such matters. Thank you.

namaste,

fae

[Wifflesnook]

Phew Fae. Well you can deal with it, but what an awful experience after such a wonderful one. I've never been on a retreat but it sounds so utterly unlike what I would expect. However I did once consider it but it wasn't for grievers so I decided against it. But having read your experience I'm thinking that one designed for the bereaved wouldn't serve either, as by definition it would be full of broken people and how would that help me? Anyway since I've no intention of going I won't say more especially as many of you have had wonderful experiences. I think I do my best grieving here in our home. I'm so pleased you made good friendships with men. As Anne said its good to have men in your life, though I won't be ever making a new relationship of an intimate sort. I'm totally sure of that, having had it offered to me, but I think it's great when it does happen.

[kayc]

I watched "Walk of Shame" (comedy) last night, it didn't have any substance except it was funny and you could see how it could happen. Very entertaining to unwind with!

Jan, I think a Grievers Retreat could be very good, after all, we're all grievers and I don't think of us as broken, but survivors. If it's led right and has experts/speakers, it could be a wonderful time of enlightenment and healing and encouragement. I guess there's predators everywhere and no place seems to be off limits, all we can do is limit our odds by being informed about what we're getting into ahead of time, if possible.

When I went through my bad experience at a retreat years ago, it was with people I'd known for over 20 years, my husband and I had just separated, and I was greatly attacked by one person and the leader did not try to handle it or stop it, and everyone else went along with it excepting one friend that stood up for me. I felt trapped, unable to leave as I'd ridden with them, their response was unexpected and shocking to me, but I stood up for myself and am capable of standing on my own to people like that. It was one of the hardest times in my life, that two years of the end of my marriage to my kids' dad, mainly because of the church's interference and interjection, his manipulation and ruthlessness, and the small town's "talk" of something they knew nothing about. The experience has helped me in other situations since because I hadn't known until this time how much my esteem was wrapped up in what other's thought of me. I've learned to stand on my own and validate myself. It's given me strength in other times that were to come and helped me to encourage others going through it.

I really think that everything we experience in life can be used for good, even if a bad situation, with time and proper application, at least that's been my experience.

fae, so glad you'll be throwing some clay today, I hope you have a wonderful time doing it too!

[feralfae]

Ah, I ended up not throwing at all today. I woke up to rain, and my right thumb hurt so much (I have a surgically-altered thumb from years of pottery (large pieces) and a couple falls. Anyway, even with a topical analgesic, it was hurting, and I did not want to take a pill.

But, because it was raining, and cool, I made a roast chicken, a pot of fruit and chicken curry (from half the roast chicken) and basmati rice, and had a super lunch. So much done here around the house today! I may yet go out and throw tonight, my usual time. I would throw from 5-8, then have dinner.

I think I may go do that now. The sun came out around noon, so the studio will be warm and sunny now.

More later.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

That's what I'm eating, chicken and basmati rice with vegetables, peaches for dessert. So wonderful!

Had a beautiful day today! Took Arlie to the park, it's about ten miles away, he loves to go there and smell all the dog smells and cover them up, of course! Did some cleaning. Made some phone calls to try and get a new business to have a Redbox put in as we're losing our town's due to McD's closing. Found someone very interested! All in all, a great day.

My XH called and point blank asked me to run his business. I didn't take a split second to give a loud and resounding "NO!" I think it kind of slapped him, he asked why and I said I am done working no interest, he needs someone in his city, etc. Truth is, I'm happy to be done with him, he had all that and more in me if he would have kept me as his wife and appreciated me like he should have. So nice to tell these scoundrels NO!

[feralfae]

Good for you Kay!

I am eating my curry and rice right now, than I will have a pear for dessert. Your dinner sounds delicious, too.

I have one small bowl and one bud vase to show for my efforts, but I will get better. Not back to complex forms yet, that's for sure.

Have beautiful dreams.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

At least you have something tangible to show for your efforts...all I have is a room full of cards! I don't think we pick our passions, I think they pick us. I'm having fun with it though.