Transformations On This Path

[feralfae]

This is a special note to our own dear Mary and dear Anne.

Mary, thank you more than I can say for the link to the presentation by Bessel van der Kolk. It has helped me have a greater awareness of my own emotional brain states, has opened doors to other readings, and has been the focus of several conversations with others.

Although the traumas were directly connected to Doug leaving, they were not a part of his leaving, and learning to separate the events has been and is being very helpful. Thank you so very much for taking the time and having the concern to share all that you do with me. It is appreciated in ways that I am still coming to understand.

Anne, I don't think I have ever made such a close and caring friend through the internet. Your compassion, understanding, patience, lovingkindness, and presence in my life during this time have meant a great deal to me: so few people actually "get it" that when we lost Jim and Doug, we lost a whole life that was not merely central to our being, but, in all ways that matter to the heart, was our being. I know others here have had that same sense of loss, disorientation, and being diminished by half when our Beloved left.

What is most important, however, is how you, Mary, and you, Anne, and others here have affirmed my own journey, affirmed my ongoing love with my husband, and have understood that this love does not depart with the life from the body, but goes on with the spirit and is a constant presence in our diminished lives. So few people seem to grasp this concept. To be able to talk about Doug, to share with others the joy of our love and our days, the agony of his illness and leaving, and my certainty that it isn't over has helped to hold me together while my heart has begun this mending and healing process that I imagine will take the rest of this life. I still feel so very married to Doug. It is as though he has slipped through the veil, but also as though he is still present when I need his calmness, his focused problem-solving, and his constant and strong love. I miss his arms around me, and his laughter, and his voice, but my heart is healing enough to hold his love and feel it with me at all times.

So, thank you dear Mary, and dear Anne, for being steady and strong in your own faith and understanding, so that I could follow in your footsteps sometimes when I was losing my way out here on this solo journey. I only hope I have returned a bit of the compassionate sharing you have given me so far. I know this journey is not over, but in the last few days, I do feel that I have found a new place to stand and view this life of mine, and this new place has more peace, more acceptance, more reconciliation, more certainty in the healing outcome of this journey. Thank you for helping me to get this far.

I cannot imagine my life these past many months without this place to come and put down my burden of pain and to receive the loving care and mirroring that I continue to find here. This Fire, this Tribe, are great blessings in my life. I know I would not be able to make this journey without all the support and caring I find here.

In recent days, Mary and Anne, you have held my heart at times when I could barely hold it myself. Thank you so very much for your presence in my life.

namaste,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

Thank you for your kind words, dear fae. We have all been on a journey that has taken many of us to the depths of hell. Those here who have walked with us know grief. Many here have stood by us when we could not stand on our own.

We do not take this journey alone and that is what makes it such a sacred place to be.

Your loving kindness as well as the caring kindness of others here has had a healing effect on all of us… We do not move through our losses without the hope that others shower us with.

We hold one another up ~ we allow the pain and we don’t try to “fix” anything because we have learned that we do not need fixing. We need validation for what we are going through. We show care for each other. We are family. And we know that this grief journey isn’t over because someone said it should be.

Some of us have been here for a long time and others are new and need to know that we will do what we have to do to support each other.

One of the most beautiful things I love about having this forum is that we share what we are feeling and no one makes judgments. I could go on and on but I just want to acknowledge your post and again say thank you. Please do not underestimate the love that you have brought to this place.

Anne

[mfh]

Thank you, fae. This is indeed an excellent series. It continues on Wednesday at the same time for those interested in watching. www.nicabm.com

I am certain you give much to everyone here.

[Wifflesnook]

Fae, I have just read what you wrote about Mary and Anne and I would like to say I share your feelings. I've had visitors since last Monday (lots of visitors) and so haven't had time to read the forum properly which I've missed so much. It means as much to me as it does to all of you. It is the most wonderful place. My journey through loss has been eased by being able to share. I haven't finished my busy time as I have to travel to our daughter's and look after her two little ones for two days from Wednesday to Friday. I don't feel up to it to be honest, but somehow I hope to cope. Life is lonely even when full of people, and the only people I can share how I truly feel are here, on the forum. Thanks so much. Jan

[feralfae]

Dear Jan,

Thank you for your kind words. I hope your trip and being with the two littles turns out to be a lovely and perhaps even a bit of a restful time. And by this weekend, you will be home and can have some time for peaceful reflection and perhaps some journaling. I hope so.

Yes, I know what you mean, as I think each of us has found our journey eased by being able to share here. I, too, feel a deep sense of Tribe here. We truly do help to heal each other. And being able to share our journey, our feelings, and our process, makes many times bearable—and therefore often lets me be open enough to learn some healing lessons from the feelings shared here.

Thanks so much to you as well.

namaste

fae

[kayc]

I love the openness we have here.

[MartyT]

♥

[Queeniemary]

Kayc, how are you feeling? I also love the openness we have here. I would be lost without the place to come to, to read other's thoughts and feelings, and express my own feelings. Someone was definitely looking out for me that day, soon to be 5 years ago, when I was looking for some grief help on the computer.....someone's hand guided me here. Fae, your lovely post about Anne and Mary is so dead on point. We have so many wonderful people here to share with and learn from. AND Marty, our guide, who is always so wise, and seems to have just the right link to send us to, or the right word or words to say in any given situation. So grateful for all of you here.

On a political note....election results are in, and almost no one I voted for won......tells me that I am probably marching to a different drummer, but that is all right, we are all different. My 18 year old granddaughter thought she was going to get to vote for the first time, however, her birthday was Oct. 14, and it has to be 30 days from date of registering to vote, before you can actually vote in an election....so she cannot vote until next time. One of our local races is a run off later in the month, she may be able to vote in that one.

Not much change in my sister's situation. She is still in quarantine, but better. I am hoping they are able to take her out of quarantine soon, as I would like to see her. I could gown and glove up and go in to see her briefly now, but it is a 2 hour drive, and just not feasible. Also, my brother tells me that over 65 are very susceptible to c.diff, and that I should not chance it. Maybe soon...

Jan , I hope you enjoy your time with your grandchildren, and then come home and rest, rest, rest. No matter how much you love them, little ones can be so very wearing. Enjoy!

QMary

[Wifflesnook]

I fell over on concrete drive whilst feeding the birds, and hurt my knee. I couldn't drive two hours and when I got there I wouldn't be able to look after them well so I've had to say I couldn't do it. Actually not too bad today but I think I made the right decision as I'm certainly not recovered. Fortunately I think our daughter has managed to find someone to look after them overnight and to take them to school and nursery. So I'm resting.

[Queeniemary]

Jan. so sorry you hurt your knee, maybe this was fate's way of telling you not to go??? Rest and heal.

QMary

[kayc]

Jan, I'm so glad you fell and hurt your knee. I've had some very close calls lately (almost falling) and have been grateful I've caught myself in the nick of time. No more falls!

Our election results are in and I was stunned that the Marijuana passed. I was really hoping they'd at least wait until they see how Washington handles things as they have a mess up there. Also it looks like the Republicans have control over the Senate...I'm very nervous! At least Peter DeFazio and Kitzhaber made it again.

QMary, I'm feeling okay, I still haven't heard from the insurance or the imaging place about an ultrasound appt. Makes me wonder what would happen if I worsened?

[enna]

Oh, dear Kay, I'm sure you did not mean to say to Jan that you're "so glad you fell and hurt your knee." Forgive me but I did get a chuckle from this one.

I love our bunch here. It is so important that we are careful ~ falls are very serious. Since I hurt my knee, I carry my cell phone with me all the time! I am still using my cane. i see my Primary Doctor next week because the knee is not healing as it should be for this amount of time. More reason for those of us alone to have one of those Life Alert buttons ~ it is going to be a B/Day present to myself (hoping my daughter will pay for it).

It sometimes does take time for the doctor and Insurance company to get their acts together ~ I would call if it's been over a week, Kay. If things are bad you go to ER.

It will cost the Insurance company more ~ maybe they need a lesson! I dislike our health care system in the U.S.

QMary, keeping your sister in my prayers. I wish she were out of there. It is a good precaution about the c.diff though.

Fae, hope you are doing well. I miss your "nattering."

And I so miss Mary, but respect what she is doing ~ I wonder what area of grief this would fall under!

[Wifflesnook]

Ha but actually she spoke the truth. I was very worried about going and only thought it possible if my dear friend Sandra had gone too. But then Sandra who has emphysema as well as fibomyalgia caught a really bad bug from her grand sons last week and couldn't help me. And then I had that rather fortuitous fall meaning I couldn't drive. And my daughter has managed to get help (paid for by me) so I'm not needed and I'm so relieved. The only down side is that I will be alone on 7th November which is three years (THREE YEARS!!) since my Pete had the stroke that destroyed both our lives for ever. I need to know that I have your loving thoughts surrounding me on that day which is a hard anniversary for me. As you all know. Oh we brave brave lonely souls who just carry on carrying on, don't we? And I truly think that no one else knows what it costs us to do that. It's almost full moon tonight too and I have a candle burning for my beloved Pete and me. Be well everyone. And keep on carrying on. Much love from England.

[kayc]

Oops! Sorry, Jan! I must be loosing it...at the age where you think one thing and say another. I'm SORRY you fell, not glad!

We will be with you on the 7th...I know how hard those "anniversaries of" are.

[feralfae]

Dear Jan,

I will be holding you in prayer and will light a candle for you as you remember. I am glad you are at home, and I hope you can rest. I don't know why I thought that England has universal child care that was a sliding scale fee. Here in the USA, there are many programs with sliding scale fees for low-income families with one or two working parents. They are often part of a more comprehensive program for the working poor. Maybe your daughter could qualify for some assistance for child care through such a program if there is one. I sat on the board for one NFP that provided child care services for single mothers. Part of the funds came from a more comprehensive government program.

Jan, I think I will remember forever when Doug and I first talked about his diagnosis and prognosis. Our lives changed completely from that time forward. I am trying now to remember more of the wonderful, happy times we shared. But when that day in December comes around, I know I will be deeply touched by those memories of that day when everything changed in our lives.

I am holding you in my heart, dear Jan.

namaste,

fae

[Wifflesnook]

Fae thank you. I think we all have these traumatic moments, whether our beloved one's decline towards death was a slow one or a sudden one. Ours was a combination. A sudden stroke for a man who was fully healthy and active followed by five months in hospital semi paralysed and unable to speak or eat. The fog we speak of for me began on 7th November 2011, became worse with Pete's death on 5th May 2012, and now I try so hard and often succeed in getting joy from memories. I have a rolling photo frame in the living room and when I see his loved face I do smile. But we can't forget, can we, tnose awful moments when everything changed for us. Thank you and when I light my own candle tomorrow it will comfort me to think that you are lighting one too. I take comfort from being brave. He would, I know, be proud of me. He always was and he still is. I had so much happiness with my Pete and that can't be taken away from me. Jan

[MartyT]

We're all proud of you, Jan, and we'll certainly be thinking of you tomorrow ♥

[enna]

Hi Jan,

I will be thinking of you tomorrow ~ November 7th ~ as you reflect on your Pete's illness leading up to his death. I will light my candle on my meditation table for special intentions. You are a brave and strong lady and I gain strength from you sharing your journey. We both know it is one day at a time.

If you were here or I were there I'd pour us a glass of wine and toast to our strength. There are many that would join me.

Thank you for being on this grief journey with me.

Anne

[KarenK]

Jan,

I also will be thinking of you tomorrow. I know it is hard to reflect back on those times. So sorry that you fell. I have rarely fallen, but seem to land on my butt when it happens so no harm there, just embarrassment.

Grrr, Kay! Sorry you aren't doing well and having to wait on insurance. Knock on wood, but Medicare and my AARP secondary seem to be okay, but then again, I don't see a doctor often and am also fortunate that my former employer covers the premiums.

November 19 will be my second anniversary without Ron. It would have been our 42nd year. So hard to comprehend that we married so long ago and now life, as it is, is just flying by. I still have a difficult time accepting that both he and my beautiful daughter are gone.

I talked to my SIL and he is now having problems with his heart(chest pains,) and also leg cramps that put him on the ground. He will see a specialist on the 11th. My grandson is back living at my house again. Another big blowup between him and my son. I hate being in the middle. I have enough grief right now.

I joined a local 50+ widows social group hoping to meet new folks, but so far the meetings all happen at least 20 miles from home. I was hoping for something closer, but I may have to "bite the bullet" and drive the distance. Not so much that I am in a "social" mood, but would just hope to enjoy meeting new friends.

Be well everyone.

Love,

Karen

[feralfae]

Dear Jan,

Tomorrow is also 33 months since Doug escaped. I am typing this without crying, by the way, which may be a first for the month anniversaries. Well, at least so far I have not cried today.

I look back to that time, and our last words to each other, as we snuggled in our bed, herein our bedroom. I remember the moment Doug left, after opening his eyes, smiling, and looking up at the ceiling and saying, "Oh! Wow!" and I asked him if the Angels had come for him. Now I am crying. I miss him so much that it simply hurts in my heart, but I know he needed to escape.

We make it through these days, don't we? I am glad you are home to spend this time in quite reflection, maybe write in your journal, and to light a candle. I am happy we will have many candles burning tomorrow, too.

I don't understand as much as I'd like about death and dying. I only know that Doug's last words to me were his promise that he would always be with me, that he really wasn't going anywhere, and that he would always be right here. And I can feel his love all around me, in my heart, and with my entire being. I forget sometimes how blessed I am to be able to feel his love around and within me. I forget how blessed I am to have his love here in my heart. I love and miss him so, and I know you feel the same about Pete. We call on our courage, on our Faith, no matter how we express it, and we call upon our inner knowing of love to carry us through these days. I am starting to call this evening. Tonight, 33 months ago, Doug told me that we were aborting the staying mission, that he needed to leave his body, but that he really wasn't going anywhere. Somehow, I can find peace in that when I think about his beautiful spirit.

May we find peace tomorrow. May we feel their love. May the day bring us blessings and beauty. And may we know that nothing is lost when there is love at the center.

namaste,

fae

[feralfae]

Dear Karen,

We posted at the same time.

It is good to see you here, to know that you are reaching out for more social activity in your life. I am so sorry to hear that your grandson is back with you. I thought that was over and that your house was now your own, clean and neat and your private refuge. I hope it will be that way again soon.

I am so sorry to hear about your SIL and his medical problems. That sounds pretty serious. I hope things work out for the better for him soon.

Karen, I can only imagine how much you are missing Ron with this anniversary approaching, and how much you are grieving your daughter. I hope you can find some caring people nearby or even 20 miles away. You have been through so very much.

You are in my thoughts and heart.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

nattering . . .

I think this time of year, with the light lessening every day, with the cold beginning to be felt, the leaves falling from the trees, and the approach of winter, there seems to be a series of cues to call forth memories of these days three years ago when we were facing the fact that Doug was not going to last much longer, when we were fighting, trying new clinical trials both here and in Canada, when we were truly desperate for that miracle.

And for all of us, as we move into the holiday season, I think that the stark fact of our aloneness, of being solo, and of the deepening realization that this is it: that Doug nor any of our Beloved ones are going to be back. For me, it is so hard some days to face the fact of that truth.

And yet, I know that I must begin to think about my life ahead of me, about what I need to do for my own life, and to begin to imagine and plan for the life ahead of me. This is a very tough go, moving through all the plans we had, all the dreams, and trying to find some ground to anchor my future, to find a place to set down my pack and feel that this is a good place to be. I guess I am not quite ready yet to make new commitments and take new actions toward the future. I guess I am still holding on to the past, and the memories. Moving away from the life we had together and trying to find a new, solo life is terribly hard. I walk outside and see Doug all around me. I come inside and see him all around me here. Sometimes, I look at things and hear his voice in my mind, commenting on this or that.

I am not ready yet to move on. I wish I were sometimes, for the distraction, but I know I am not ready to let go of my marriage and discover a new definition of who I am. I am sure it will happen when it is time. Meanwhile, I will pray and light candles, and hold on to the wonderful memories. I don't know what else to do.

namaste,

fae

[enna]

Hi Karen

Good to have you check in ~ I have been thinking of you. I can't believe how time seems to fly by at certain times and other times it stands still. You have had huge losses these past two years. How has your health been since you've been back?

I hope that having your grandson there will be short lived.

Good for you for reaching out for some socializing. We need that in our lives.

Take care.

Anne

[enna]

We do have our memories ~ don't we fae? I think it will take a lifetime to learn how to live solo. Those of us who are coming out of that "fog" we hear about face different challenges. As much as we would like to be positive about our lives as they are now the truth is we are still living our lives alone.

It is important to accept where we are now. We will move on when the time is right. There is nothing wrong with that. We honor ourselves when we allow ourselves to be where we are.

Thinking of you. Have you had snow yet? We do not change to Daylight Savings here ~ I always get confused. I think we are the same time and the midwest is now only an hour later which I like because I can talk with my grands in the evening before they go to bed. The east coast is only two hours different which helps with any online webinars, etc. I might be taking.

Peace and love,

Anne

[Wifflesnook]

Dearest friends, it's eight am here so I've started this day with reading your lovely messages. I shall re-read them later. Today I will be alone and as the weather is blustery and wet I shall spend most of it inside. I will read some poetry (I have the latest Mary Oliver, mine and Pete's favourite poet) and I will think of how very very happy Pete made me. And I hope I will still feel that he is making me happy. Even so.

Jan