Transformations On This Path

[Wifflesnook]

I just saw this on twitter

[MartyT]

♥

[kayc]

Jan,

Thinking of you today as you're thinking of that time when you learned what was going down. I know the anniversary of such times is very hard no matter how many years out.

I'm sorry to hear your grandson will be again living with you, you're right, you don't need that right now. It'd be different if he would help you and not bring drama. I hope it goes alright this time and that he's soon on his own. How old is he? Hoping for a quick launch! It's so hard getting young folks on their feet, esp. with the economy, it was different when I was young.

fae,

A very introspective time for so many on this site. Today would have been Bailey's 17th birthday (someone struggling in pet loss...M K Roberts).

I hear what you're saying and so agree, I feel George's love around me too. I've been very aggravated that some have insinuated that I shouldn't be feeling much loss after all this time, after all, we were only married a few years. It makes me want to scream! Do they think I suffer any less because we didn't get 50 years together?! I WANTED 50 years together!!! I waited my whole life for my true love and it seems he was snatched away from me as soon as he came into my life! WAY too soon! Does that make my grief any less...or any more?! People can be idiots. Sorry, didn't mean to get on a rant, just this week I encountered this, I guess it's stuck in my craw.

Karen,

Good to hear from you, I, too, have wondered how you are doing. You've had way too much.

I got an appt. for my ultrasound and will have my blood tests taken at the same time so I only have to fast once, it will be next Wednesday. I have to leave here at 7:30 a.m., ugh...too early, not used to it anymore. I like starting my days more leisurely now. I'm a little worried, I must admit...about what they might find, about what it might mean. I've been trying to push it out of my mind and have a "wait and see" attitude, no sense worrying about what might not be! It turns out the doctor says they faxed the imaging place but they didn't get it. I don't think the doctor did...they seem incompetent, there's always a hang up and they're always the common denominator. I like the doctor herself, but her personnel needs revamped!

I started going to the senior site two times per week for Bingo and lunch, it gets me out and it's fun. I'm also working on learning the church's books...they have a ridiculous system so it's taking quite a while to learn, they do everything the hard way. The wheels turn slow in organizations...I'm hoping to get a new computer program that will help streamline the system, but it could be months at this rate.

Anne,

Wishing we didn't have time changes, it messes us up! I'm usually three hours different from the east coast, and it seems every time I need to call back there, they're closed. I wish we'd all do like AZ!

[feralfae]

For all of us seeking peace and solace today;

for all of us for whom this is a special day or remembering;

for each of us who feels the empty place in healing hearts;

and for each of us who finds these days of remembering, of honoring, and of celebrating our Beloved

I am lighting a candle right now, and it will burn here in its safe place for an hour, then I will put it out and light it again later today.

namaste,

fae

[feralfae]

The candle is out and now I am smudging with sage and tobacco and mint.

Today is 33 months since Doug left. An eternity. A blink of the eye.

I think that they become so much a part of who we are that we never really lose them, or lose their love, but instead, we carry their breath, their heartbeat, and their love in our hearts forever.

namaste,

fae

[Wifflesnook]

My candle is going to be snuffed shortly as its 9.30 pm here and time for bed. I love what you just said Fae. It's true and I love it. I'm going to write it down in my journal before I snuff the candle. Peace to your heart. I wish I had known your Doug.

[Queeniemary]

Jan, thinking of you today, and holding you in my heart.

Karen, good to hear from you, and so sorry that you are feeling in the middle between your son and grandson, that is hard for you. I have my daughter and one of my granddaughter's living with me temporarily, and while I am enjoying the company, it is also a challenge, when you are used to living alone.

Kayc, will be glad when you get the ultra sound, and maybe find out what is going on with your health...will be sending positive thoughts.

Anne, I am liking that it is only an hour difference in AZ now when I need to call my sis or my best friend. I do not like the time change however, it is dark here now at 5:30! in a couple of weeks will be dark at 4:30.

Fae, you have such a lovely way with words, and I love the prayer with the burning candle. Thank you for sharing that with us.

QMary

[kayc]

I think that they become so much a part of who we are that we never really lose them, or lose their love, but instead, we carry their breath, their heartbeat, and their love in our hearts forever.

namaste,

fae

I love this too!

[kayc]

Missing in action, dear fae, are you alright?

[feralfae]

I have not been posting here for a while, but rather, posting in Living with Loss, as I learn to live with and continue on with this loss.

As I read back over some of my entries, as well as entries of others here, I am grateful for the healing that is happening for me, and for this wonderful Tribe who shares so many insights that help me along on this grief journey.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

And we are grateful for YOU, dear fae. Guess I'll have to look for you over there!

[feralfae]

I've come back to post here because this is a time of transformation for me. In a few days, it will be three years since Doug left his body and made transition. How I miss him every day! It sometimes feels as though he has only been gone a few days, and yet, at other times, it feels as though he has been gone for decades.

But the transformation in which I find myself now is one of shifting awareness. I am here, on Earth, present and functioning fairly well, but a part of me is missing. That part is my own inner awareness of life and what is around me. It used to be so easy and happy, when Doug was here. Now, I seem to have misplaced my abiding faith and self-confidence that no matter what, things would work out all right, and I would be a part of the solution. Now, I cannot seem to find a new way of being. Perhaps it is simply too soon to be able to grab on to a new direction and sense of life.

The other transformation is one of health. I am slowly healing from the most recent surgeries, but still feel weak and a bit off center. For someone who did not experience much illness of disability for most of her life, I am now faced with paying careful attention to my diet, what I lift, how I walk, to getting enough rest, to staying out of stressful situations. While all this self-awareness is good for me to practice again, I long for the days of relatively carefree health and energy. Finding a new balance for my health and wellness is a challenging journey.

So, apparently the transformations go on, even past three years. I am curious about where I will be on this journey in another three years.

Namaste,

fae

[enna]

Oh my dear fae,

Transformations will continue until we once again connect with our beloved spouses. You have traveled many miles and have done so with a determination to live life as best as you are able to.

What is so inspiring to me is that you "work" on your grief and continue to remain open to what is ahead of you.

Your "new way of being" will come to you in time.

My candle will be lit for your Doug in the next few days and my thoughts will be with you as you continue to collect all those beautiful memories.

Anne

[kayc]

I no longer concern myself with time, it is what it is...it will be what it will be. Part of growing older is the growing awareness of our diet, our changing bodies, etc. I, too, am on a very restricted diet for many different health reasons, and it has (and continues to be) an adjustment. Going through the Prism curriculum books daily is helping me through the process as I learn to view everything differently. The tradeoff will hopefully be better health!

Isn't your anv. of death Feb. 7th? Feb. 23rd is a day coming up for me...my mother's birthday, the first without her alive. It's always hard hitting those dates.

I hope it comes to you, the best way to spend the day, remembering and honoring Doug and how special he was to you in your life together...and since, for the lessons they've taught us and the ways they enriched our lives did not end with their death.

If I could drink I would toast you to your renewed vigor! (It'll have to be cranberry juice for me)

[Wifflesnook]

My dear Fae

I'm back home after almost a week with my little grand daughters and daughter, and catching up with the forum. I will light a candle for you and your beloved Doug. I just bought a lovely scented candle yesterday and all day I kept thinking it was a special day, 2nd February. And only now when it has turnes into the 3rd has it dawned upon me that it was Imbolc or Candlemas which Pete and I celebrated with a house full of candles. I did light one last night and tonight it's full moon and I shall light it.

I do so know how you feel about the uncertainty of life after losing our beloved partners. I too felt protected when Pete was alive. And now I've lost that feeling and am aware of how fragile everything is. We have to live with this and it's hard. I'm holding hands with you, especially as you approach your three years without your best beloved. Jan

[feralfae]

Thank you everyone for the support and kind words.

I just got home from along day of tests (everything good so far, and I believe the rest of the results will be equally as good)and then helping a friend through some issues with a trust. It feels as though I could sleep for several hours, so I guess I will go find out.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

fae,

I hope your tests have a positive outcome, your friend is lucky to have you, I hope you did sleep for hours!

[shalady]

Faye, I too hope your tests all come back in a great outcome. Hope you can get some good rest.

Shalady

[feralfae]

Thank you Kay and Shalady for your caring comments. I am being rather self-centered right now, as I live through this three-year anniversary of Doug leaving on the 7th, and our last words to each other. Memories are flooding my waking hours, and I am letting them come and breathing through them. I can tell that the tears I am shedding are healing tears, as I let go of more grief and pain, anger and resistance, and accept where I am today, and how my life is today.

The test results so far are fine: one set of results I won't have back until next week, and then there is another new test next week as well. But the tests are coming back with good results, so I am pleased.

The other side of exercising more is that I am also sleeping better, and longer. It is 24F right now outside so I will be bundled up warm to go run all the errands.

And it is time to begin the day.

Peace and a beautiful day to both of you, Kay and Shalady.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[shalady]

I am glad you are sleeping better. It's good you are thinking of yourself. You deserve it. I am sorry you are coming upon such an anniversary. I have not been there yet so I don't know how that is. I hope the memories, although a painful reminder, will also soothe your soul with a smile. I find it goes both ways. Let your tears flow, as you say, they are healing. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Shalady

[kayc]

fae,

As shalady already expressed, I too hope you will have comforting memories tomorrow and today as you approach the anniversary of Doug's departure. As I've just shared with Butch, we learn to let them hold us in spiritual form but sometimes we just cry out because we want them to physically hold us! It does take a while to adapt to the change, at least it sure did for me.

It is good to be able to be on here...we have been having rain and wind storms...are supposed to get a couple of inches of rain today (I'm not sure where we'll put it), we had a lot of wind during the night, and of course, when our electricity was out there was no internet, water, toilets, etc. I wanted to leave my refrigerator and freezer closed so I ate peanut butter on bread. Our worst storm is coming Sunday and Monday...I need to get a lot of work done at the church Monday so I hope it doesn't knock our elec. back out again.

[feralfae]

Thank you Shalady.

Yes, I am greatly comforted these days, thank you for asking. I have set out several great photos of Doug, have been watching and listening to some of his climbing DVDs, reading some of his love letters and I am marinating a couple of Alaska Moose Steaks, from Doug's last moose, that I have kept double-vacuum packed, and will open a bottle of wine even if I can only have a tiny bit. I want to have more of the happy memories come floating in and soften the memories of the last days. But right now, I am also living those days, and remembering so many things that happened that were such beautiful, magnificent miracles along our way. And I am remembering the beauty of those moments, and the way my heart would sing, and I am starting to get little drummings of a new song my Spirit is learning to sing from the HeadMaster.

Kay, I was monitoring the "atmospheric river" weather reports on this storm, which is dumping snow further down the coastal range, and lots of rain, apparently. They are tracking its projected path as the jet stream pushes things around.

Do you have an emergency generator or can you borrow one? I'm having a few gusts out here already, but the storm proper is not due for another couple of days. If I lose power, I can still cook on the wood stove,b. But, yes the lack of water puts me into cabin mode, for sure, with water use. I hope your power does not go out again. Does your power stay out for longer than a day very often? Ours is usually back in 6-12 hours lately, but I think you are more isolated. I guess you need to keep your cell phone charged (if you have one, I seem to remember you had to turn it in or something) in case the other phones (if you have them) go out.

IF the roads get bad, can you put off working at the church on Monday? I hear the snow is at lower elevations than previously predicted.

nattering . . .

This is the night Doug told me we were aborting the mission to keep him here. He pulled out all his tubes, in front of everyone, and said he was ready to go. And he was. He lasted another 24 hours, having conversations with the Angels, about some pretty esoteric subjects, and I got to listen. And then they all arrived at some consensus, and Doug said he would see them in a few hours, and then we had a few hours together. Then, he opened his eyes, looked up at the ceiling, but probably at the stars, really, or angles, and smiled and said, "Oh, wow!" and then he left. And I am telling this again for the hundredth time, maybe more.

I am siting with memories. But Doug is still here right now. I asked him, if he were around, to send a sign, and suddenly, all the outside lights went on, and I had to laugh. Ah, what would we do without the sense of their Spirit and their love? I think the two are so braided that Spirit becomes Love, and Love becomes Spirit.

Gosh, I am feeling better every day, learning to eat more carefully, getting more exercise, and I can feel my balance and strength beginning to return. What a life this is!

Thank you for sharing this journey with me, and for your loving sharing of your own journey as we make our way back into life—a new life, but Life.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Wifflesnook]

Fae it's morning here and the day of your Doug's transformation to another place. I hope you can feel him close. Love from England

[shalady]

Fae, I read your story and I am brought to tears. I am glad you are surrounding yourself with memories of Doug. It brings pain but also such comfort remembering all the wonderful time you shared. You will always have that as well as the love you shared. It makes me smile for you that he gave you a sign of his presence. I have gotten them as well, but not for a while. I am holding you close in my heart on this day. You are in my prayers. May you be in comfort.

***Hugs***

Shalady

[kayc]

fae,

I think it's good that Doug made his own decision to remove the tubes, how much better than someone else having to do so and live with it. I'm glad he gave you a sign of his presence. I'd give anything to have such a sign, but I have to go on faith, but that's okay, that's how our early relationship developed and I will continue on faith if need be.

There isn't cell phone service in this area so I can't use my cell phone. I have a hard wire phone in case the electricity goes out as the portables won't work then. My generator was stolen by my XH and I haven't replaced it, George always took care of handling it, it was very very heavy. I have no water (no toilet, shower, etc.) when elec. goes out, that's the biggest problem. I just remembered, my camp stove was in my trailer which I gave to my son, so I no longer have that to cook on but I do still have my barbeque, and there's always cereal & milk, salad, fruit, peanut butter sandwiches, I won't die. My wood stove takes forever to heat up water, must be the insulation or something that keeps it from getting overly hot on top, but I have used it, it just takes a long long time. If it's not the middle of a storm, I can always drive to Eugene/Springfield to get a decent meal, but it's 50-60 miles away so I'd have to be desperate! The longest I've been without power is five days, that was 37 years ago, at which point I elected to have a wood stove installed. It gets mighty cold without heat in the winter! I had a friend in a town 35 miles from here that was without power for nine days! I finally called his power company and told them an elderly man was alone and without heat and they really needed to do something...they had it on later that day. I later told him what I'd done and we laughed about me calling him elderly (whatever works)...he's ten years older than I am but hardly seems elderly. Most of the time when the power goes out it's the entire city so everyone I know is in the same boat, restaurants have to close, etc. When there's high winds, it leaves debris all over the roads, if not road closures due to falling limbs/trees. There was a lot of branches down yesterday.