Transformations On This Path

[feralfae]

Dear Jan,

Thank you. I am finally beginning to realize and admit how much of my usual resilience has dissipated during these years of caring for Doug and enduring the actions of the ruffians.

As I sit here this morning, trying to decide whether or not to try to go to meeting or services this morning, I am reminded again that I need to first feel inward for myself, and try to figure out what I want to do for me, for my healing. I know that everyone would be happy to see me at meeting, where I usually end up sitting with one or more people afterwards to help them deal with some issue or problem. And that is usually all right. But today, I may just stay home and rest more, continue to eat rice and sip tea, and read another book. I really do not have any energy to spare from the very simple tasks of taking care of myself.

Someone told me once that as we get older, we become more selfish. I don't think it is selfishness that sets in, but that sense of our own needs which begin to become more apparent as we go through the trials and traumas of life, and arrive at a place where our usual over-brimming energy is less than it used to be.

I watch how we are all struggling here to cope with the grief, being alone, the illnesses, and our own individual and unique challenges. I know how isolated some of us are, even with church, meeting, committees, neighbors, and friends around us. We finally find that we must turn inward and figure out what we need, what is going to help us to heal, and how we can best take care of our lives and selves now that we are alone.

I have a box of Doug's papers sitting here by my chair, but I have no energy to endure opening the box or beginning to go through the papers, knowing the waves of grief and perhaps anger and helplessness that will result: everything related to his papers has been stolen, and I have no heart or energy to try to get those things back. His papers are often a poignant reminder of the thefts and robberies. I am going to put the boxes back out in storage for another year or two. I have had enough of pillage, robbery, losses, and feeling so alone. I don't know how I am going to lift myself up, but I must begin to move beyond all this horrible time which he warned me about.

My questions these days are: How do I get my health back? How do I go on and in what direction? How do I reconcile my life with Doug to my life without Doug?

And not least, what would Doug want me to do about so very many things that are yet unresolved, and do I have the energy to do them?

So, because I have no answers for most of the questions, about all I can do is rest and heal, read and be in peace as much as possible, and let my body feel tired when it is tired, and be aware of that and learn to respect it. I find myself taking naps and sleeping more right now. Maybe it is winter hibernation, but it feels like some deep healing is going on.

I am satisfied being alone right now, just being still, napping, fixing little meals occasionally, and living in great quietness. I know that when it is time, answers will come to me, and I will not find them in crowds of people or chattering friends, but in the stillness and peace of my own contemplation. And mostly, in this time of healing and peace, I think I will find me again, who has been away for so long, living out of herself toward and for others. I lost myself entirely these last years of caring for Doug and then dealing with his remarkably nasty family. Now I need to turn to myself, and begin to be more in touch with my self, by health, my needs, and my healing. This is a remarkable shift for me.

I am coming into a realization that I truly do not owe anyone anything right now. If they think they have a claim, they can wait until I am ready to cope with it. Right now, I must heal. This is a huge shift for me, to move into this sense of protecting and caring for self above all others. I am honoring myself first, and it is a radical departure from my usual way of being.

I will keep reminding myself, and all of us about this need to honor ourselves first. I think this may be the first true step toward healing.

Namaste,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

nattering.

Healing.

Has anyone else found that their entire value had become about taking care of another or others? I had slipped so far away from even knowing anything about my own joy or pleasure, my own needs or wishes, that my only identity had become caring for Doug, responding to the needs of my children and family, friends and others, that I no longer saw much value in my own existence separate from them. I was so tired that I was sometimes grateful when Doug was in the hospital for a few days so I could catch up on sleep and rest. I was so bereft of self that I would automatically give when asked, just so I could be left alone for a while, and not need to endure an argument or discussion. I stopped defending or caring for myself, because all my energy was going into defending and caring for Doug.

Goodness.

How do we find our way back to our own wholeness when we have wandered so far from our own sense of self? This is a challenge, I can tell. I know that the self I am now will not be the self who shared life and love with Doug while he was here. And i also know that my first order of business right now must be to heal. I must get myself well again as much as is possible. How do we mend from our broken hearts, the assaults on our lives and selves, and how do we learn to expect from others the lovingkindness we have given to so many for so long? It is a huge set of shifts. How do we go on with this life in good health, and how do we find joy in our days as we become well enough to enjoy our lives again? I am asking all these questions of myself these days, as I nibble rice, sip tea, and do my best to stay present with my body on all levels, paying particular attention to my emotional climate and how it affects my physical health.

This morning, there are two magpies and a stellar jay here on my balcony. They are remarkable because I very seldom see these birds here in this forest. They are usually higher in the mountains. I am impressed with their stunning beauty and large size. I am thankful for their powerful presence.

It is time to get up from being here, snugged under the covers with my laptop, and forage for rice and tea, and check in with myself to feel if I have the energy and enthusiasm to get dressed and go to town for meeting, errands, all the usual things. I may just stay home again today, and have a PJ day.

And I am not even feeling guilty about thinking that.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

My dear fae,

I am appalled that people went to see you in the hospital with the intention of burdening you more! I think they must be so used to turning to you that they don't see you at all, but only what you can do/say/give. Ouch! The only one who can retrain them is you. Children are born with us running hither and tither to their needs, and at some point when they're grown, need to realize we have aged and have needs now ourselves. Bosses and coworkers are used to discounting the personal and only getting from us, so that we have to stop and declare our time out to them. Even neighbors, fellow churchgoers, friends, can get used to things being a certain way, and even though they might not purposefully burden us, we may need to call their attention to a needed change. At least when we're down.

I am so glad you have become aware of this and are going to attend to YOU! I have found that I have needed to take time for myself to heal, to become healthy inside and out, and it will take time. To those who suggest this or that job for me (mostly minimum wage part time requiring a long commute) I tell them to take the job, it is neither cost effective nor healing for me. If I decide to take another job in the future, it will have to be something I feel called to, something that feeds my soul and spirit, not just wrings every last drop out of me. But for now, I am retired. It doesn't need to make sense to anyone else, just to me. There comes a time to know within ourselves what we need and to do just that.

Youa re certainly dealing with a lot, and you have for a very long time.

I am glad you are noticing things there from your balcony, that is a good sign! This morning I saw a large deer standing at the top of my driveway, just looking at me. Yesterday I saw several deer in my back yard, gleaning the apples I shook down for them. Yesterday I huddled in as the storm brewed and spit its venom, and a neighbor called and invited me to dinner and I declined. I just wanted to stay in. He sounded surprised I would turn him down! I, too, and looking to my own needs and listening to myself.

[enna]

Hello Fae. You, my dear, are talking about caregiving. Caring for ourselves…I like how you start out with the word healing. So many of us who have been caregivers do understand what you are saying. Each one of us has our own stories. I was once told, by a very wise person, that some of us are natural nurturers. Sometimes it is the career we were in and sometimes it was simply our makeup. I can remember that when Jim was in the late stages of Alzheimer’s disease I went for several days without a shower or even eating. I had become consumed with caring for him because I thought I was the only one who could love and care for him. Thank goodness several of my ALZ group members noticed and convinced me that it was time for hospice care. My miracle began. I thought I was a wise caregiver but found out that I wasn’t only after Jim died. I forgot how to care for myself!

The other word I like is your word goodness. It is funny how we all seem to know the answers to our questions but we don’t know how to put them into practice. I think it will take time to recognize that we now need to tend to who we are now and not whom we were when our spouses were living. Our lovingkindness will come from ourselves first, I think. I don’t think anyone is going to reach out and give us the gentle love we need so we will have to give it to ourselves. I’m not saying we will not have caring people in our lives because we will and do. I am saying that it is ok to love and care for ourselves. To rest when we need to, to pamper ourselves because we are worth it, to be good to ourselves because we are special, and to give ourselves the same kindness we show to others – and to do all this first.

I think we are doing some of this around our fire, Fae. Thank you for giving us that image. It gives me a sense of warmth to know that there is a sacred place we all can come to and receive strength from the lovingkindness that is here.

I hope you are doing only what you want to do today to show love to yourself. A PJ day is always a good present to give ourselves.

Kay, I had no deer in my yard but I almost had a gift of rabbit for dinner today!! Benji thinks he is fast enough to catch those little creatures but he is not - thank goodness. Anne

[MartyT]

Dear Ones, I've just read an article that I think fits nicely here: 3 Powerful Steps to Combat Fear

Some excerpts:

The three greatest categories of fear that I hear women complain about are:

1) Fear of failing

2) Fear of not being "enough"

3) Fear of disappointing people

Here are three concrete actions that you can take to combat your fears:

1) Fully embrace the fact that you cannot fail. If things do not work out as well as you'd hoped or don't work at all, then see it as an opportunity to readjust, re-energize, and try again with more wisdom and experience.

2) You ARE enough. By your very nature of being here on this earth, you are enough. Avoid comparing yourself to others and really focus on being the very best that you can in your own journey. With practice and meditation, fear of "not being enough" will simply go away.

3) Learn to disappoint with grace. It's never easy to let people down, but saying no in order to protect your energy and wellness is something we all have to learn as our schedules become crazier and we have more demands on our time. When done with authenticity and kindness, disappointing people can be the most liberating skill you'll ever learn.

[feralfae]

Thank you Marty, that is a good article, and the last point is significant.

Lately though, I have found people showing anger, although it probably covers hurt, that I am not available to fix problems any more for them. I don't think this is a temporary condition: something in me has shifted back to more the way I was before Doug got sick and I then gave up a lot of myself to care for him those years. After he became ill, I shifted to caregiver mode, and then I just stayed there even after he was gone.

I am learning to say no with grace now, I hope.

And more, I am learning to care for myself again,

Thank you.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

Dear Kay, I am so very proud of you for your stance on being retired. Good for you, and more later on that.

Anne, yes, we do fall entirely into caregiver mode. I was relieved when we finally had hospice, except that by then Doug was also trying to hide things from his family, so there was still a lot going on here. What a time! I have lived through it all, and now must focus on healing my body and life.

We are going to make it. I am going to read what you, Kay, and you, Anne, wrote again. Today I am just mostly crying. This time two years ago we were in Fairbanks and the surgeon friend had let us know that the cancer was now everywhere. We were trying to figure out how to deal with it all. And Doug was tired of chemo, which took away all those days and left him weak and in pain with every treatment. I guess last year I was too deep in pain to remember much of this, and so now it is really hitting me. I say all the boxes of his medical records out at storage, too, and that started a chain of memories.

I know we are each going to heal and come through this in our own unique and wonderful ways. Thank you for being here with me through these days. It means more than I can say.

Blessings and Namaste,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

I have just realized something most profound for me, and thank you all for being the catalysts for this realization:

When Doug was alive and well, he always protected me. So many things went on with his crazy family that I never knew about. I knew he had set up a trust for them, because he had hoped to heal the anger and problems from a prior intrafamilia major theft. People did not speak to each other, and briberies and far worse were not uncommon for those who lived on the dark side (shades of starwars!) Doug wrote about this in one of his last letters, which I am to deliver on the second anniversary of his leaving. That is one reason we had to fire up the desk computer as well, for documents Doug left for them to read in the event he soon finished escaping the cancer inside him, and the cancer of greed which washes over most of his family accompanied, as greed always is, by some of the worst of social symptoms. It is astounding...

I sometimes think maybe greed is worse than anger. It can be institutionalized far easier than anger since there is institutionalized theft. There is the sacking and pillaging and plundering, after all.

Anyway, Doug always protected me from them, except Betty, whom we both loved, dear heart. So, I never had had to deal with all these things which have been manifested toward me since Doug's escape. I just wish I did not have this last missive to deliver, but it is germaine, and I will not be the one to make it public, but I will send it to them all. And all the Trustees. Per Doug's list.

And sometimes still, I let myself feel unprotected from them, and even from the vicissitudes of life, which is very silly, that I let fear in sometimes, especially when my mortality is made apparent to me.

And so, once again, as with the cauda equina, with Doug's escape, as with all things, I must remember that I am magnificently protected, that I have an Orchestration of Angels around me. That today, a regal Stellar's Jay came to bring me a message, accompanied by two elegant Magpies, no doubt his Leige Lords. That was very cool, to see these three rare birds all at my home all at the same time. It was such a beautiful sign for me. I am protected. My Game is not over, and I can relax back into the flow of life, and let it carry me where it will, and no longer carry any of this fear which I have carried since a few months before Doug left, when we knew he was leaving soon. He has left me in the hands of angels here. I don't know why I forget that sometimes. Each of you, and our dear friends in Alaska, Washington, and elsewhere.

And I do now see that it is time to learn to protect myself from all of this, in kindly and graceful ways, so that I do not feel so open to the world and I begin to learn to protect myself better when I am out among people. I mean, just to be able to stand up for myself better in situations where I am in need of my own protection. Doug would protect me from stuff such as this when he was here, because he would handle all his family and lots of other things as well. I am just learning to set new boundaries, that is all. And to protect myself from all that does not feel good to me for a while. At least for a while. But, probably forever, because that is how I used to be, before Doug and I joined forces. *<twinkles>* Sheesh, he was so amazingly brilliant!

I am slowly getting all this return to Faith stuff figured out, and a lot of it is about listening once again to my own heart's voice, instead of being pulled off a solo course by L*ve. Love always pulls us off a solo course, and on to a new course. Spectacular energetic collisions! Woo Hoo! I still think falling in love is the most amazing energetic exchange in creation.

Totally. *<twinkles>*

I am going to be fine. This is just a huge shift to take back conscious protection of self, after not being in that space for a long time, and thus being very vulnerable, which has helped with healing, incredibly, these long months of grief. But it is also not good in public, at least, not in most of public. People see it as weakness.

But now that I am going to be more in the world soon, as we have watched our Mary returning to the world, I will need to have some lovely and graceful tools for saying no in a kindly way again. I used to do it all the time. Now I will start doing it again, more often.

I must finish realigning my solo life. We all watched Mary know herself well enough to celebrate her independence rather than merely disappointed or bothered. *<twinkles>* That was such a courageous and splendid adventure she made! Great story to tell others!

We are carrying on. We carry on. We find a bridge or make one. *<twinkles>* We keep learning these gentle lessons of living alone on this plane. Whew! What a journey!

I know that as I move back out into the world, I must protect myself from the men as well. I am not ready for that yet, and I know it, so I will just say I am not ready.

This is a lot to work through, isn't it?

Namaste,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

Thank you for the article, Marty. I particularly like 2) "You ARE enough. By your very nature of being here on this earth, you are enough. Avoid comparing yourself to others and really focus on being the very best that you can in your own journey. With practice and meditation, fear of "not being enough" will simply go away."

I like the positive message about by my just being here I am enough. This to me will take a lifetime to accomplish but what a goal!

Fae, what you say makes sense to me. I hope that you will allow yourself to heal and become stronger. I keep going back to the thought that we have to take our grief in doses so that we do not shatter into a million pieces. When we begin to "awaken" that is a good time to put ourselves first. It is not selfish. It is caring for ourselves. One of my accomplishments on this grief journey was learning how to say NO. I never wanted to hurt anyone's feelings so I often said YES to things I did not want to do. Today I say NO and there is no guilt. I hope I do it with "grace"! Anne

[kayc]

Anne, you are such a gentle spirit and always know the most sensitive way to put things, I appreciate you so much!

Marty, thank you for sharing the article, you always seem to know just where to go to delve into your vast source of resources and give us just what is most appropriate!

fae, I, too, love pj days! I don't really get them because Arlie begs me to walk him first thing, but the best I can hope for is to defer the walk a bit and be in my pjs just a little longer! I love it!

You speak about Greed...that is what our growth group topic was about this week. It was really good and covered combatting greed within ourselves. Being greedy is self focused, but is different than self care which is a positive act we do for ourselves. Greediness comes at an expense, it is a lack of caring for others around us, a lack of social concern, being miserly even in all our riches, and not only with $ or things, but of our time. Striking a balance is to be coveted and sometimes an elusive thing to realize.

[Wifflesnook]

There are so many valuable comments on this thread and I just wanted to add one more. I know you will all be struggling as I am with trying to keep you loved ones projects going. It has seemed to me like a sacred trust. But tonight as I made my hot chocolate as I got ready to go to bed (it's ten pm here) and looked at the shelves of Pete's jars of spices he had all ready for making Indian curries (which haven't been touched for two years since he had the stroke) and when I thought how useless they now are it came to me as if he had said it that I shouldn't strive so hard to continue things like that. If his beloved plants die so be it. I can't keep every thing going for him. And i realised that I was trying to do that. And it is wearing me out. So I should gradually (only when I feel strong enough) throw things like that away, as he would have had to do if he had been the survivor. And try to look after the plants, but only if I wanted to. I cling on to everything associated with him, but I think I must try not to and I felt it was my Pete telling me this and giving his blessing tonight. I hope I can follow this thought up.

[MartyT]

Jan, dear, your post reminds me of what Richard Mabry describes in his book, The Tender Scar: Life After the Death of a Spouse (see attached).

ResigningYourCommissions.RichardMabry.doc

[feralfae]

Dear Marty,

I have read that before, and it was great to be reminded of it, and how we simply know when it is time to resign those commissions.

Jan, are the spices and things items you could donate to a local food pantry charity? I know we have several here with out churches who appreciate spices and flavorings as "extras" for the meal baskets.

Blessings and sweet dreams everyone.

Namaste,

*<twinkles>*fae

[Wifflesnook]

Thank you Kay and Marty. I think that herbs and spices lose their freshened after a while even in a tight jar. The Tender Scar looks good but I think too much from a Christian perspective for me. I don't subscribe to the Christian faith any more! though I am deeply spiritual. But I loved the article.

[feralfae]

I loed the article as well, Jan. I sometimes feel that if I try to give up too many of our shared dreams at once, I will lose touch with Doug. I am going at this letting go and resigning commissions very slowly these days, partly because I am still weak from the hospital stay, and partly because some of it is still too overwhelming to me emotionally to deal with it.

I think you are doing so very well to be in touch with your own needs and being present with what you want and need right now.

I hope the vacation goes well and is not too tiring, and that you can enjoy some times of peace and communing with nature while you are at the park.

We are all slowly finding our way through this time of so many transitions and new beginnings. I wish I had a better sense of where I am going some days, though.

I don't consider myself a Christian, either, but I consider myself deeply spiritual as well. It is one of the comforts I have had through this time.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

I didn't even attempt to carry on what George was about...he was always busy helping people, I mean all the time, giving of his time and money. It seemed too big of shoes to fill! We were just different people. I mean he would help the homeless and anyone down and out. As a woman, I wouldn't feel comfortable/safe doing what he did. But he knew how to and understood the street smarts.

[feralfae]

Dear Kay,

I am sitting here, writing a note on one of your lovely cards.

Doug was the same way, Kay. He would knew and helped so many people in Fairbanks and here. Mostly veterans who were homeless or almost homeless.

There is no way we could carry on all those things they did. And I don't think either one of us would be accused of having much street smarts!

I am working on finding my peace this morning, after a tsunami of tears of missing Doug this first day of winter here, with snow still falling, and no Doug to come in and hug me with his snowy beard and jacket tickling my face. I know I will be fine, but right now, I am just letting the tears fall. I miss him so much sometimes.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Wifflesnook]

Oh Fae that comment of shared dreams pierced my heart. Everything in this lovely cosy cottage is shared dreams and I don't really know how to cope with them. Pots full of spices and herbs is a minor matter but some of Pete's plants are looking a bit sad because they haven't been repotted. I suppose it's dawning on me that it's up to me entirely if these things are going to be kept going. These things comfort me and yet because they are shared they have lost a lot of significance now they are just mine. I know that all widowed people, especially those who've been together a long time, have to grapple with these things. And ultimately alone. But it's hard. Oh I know you all know exactly what I mean, and it helps to share.

[enna]

I also have read the link above from Marty.

We will always hold on to the memories of those ‘shared dreams’ but now we have our own dreams to work on and at the same time honor our spouses. I agree with Jan about the spices – they do not stay fresh. That was one of the hardest things I had to do was clean out the spice racks. When Jim was able to he was the cook. He loved to use spices. For over a year I was not able to do anything with the spice rack until one day I decided that I needed to replace the old with the new. Such a small thing but huge in my eyes…

[Wifflesnook]

These little things are not little at all are they? And there are so many of them. And putting them off doesn't make them go away.

[feralfae]

When Doug was leaving, and about to come home from the hospital to be in hospice, he wanted figs. I searched for them, and finally ordered some to be delivered by FedEx in two days for him. The package got lost or something, and did not arrive until a few days after Doug left. I had put those figs in the freezer to save for ...?

Today, and thank you for the courage Jan, I have tossed those figs out into the forest for the critters. They seem to like any of the organic food I put out for them off behind some junipers. One less thing to try to decide about what to do with it. I am just sorry the figs did not arrive in time for Doug to enjoy them, and I think I saved them long enough. He really does not need them now, or want them. I am crying as I write this, because as you all know, every little thing is losing a piece of Doug, a memory of Doug moves from the "present" column into the "past" column of my mind. He does not need those figs now.

It is accepting these little things, and walking through the pain and grief, and being compassionate with myself as I experience this tiny, insignificant little good-bye to such a little thing as a bag of figs. But they were Doug's figs, and so I was keeping them for . . . ? Now it is one less thing to see when I open the freezer.

We are doing really well, and we are carrying on. I was thinking today how very blessed and lucky I am to have had Doug come into my life and love me so much, and to be able to love him so much, that not much has changed, except that his body is gone and I, in my human form, am here alone. But his spirit is still all around me, and he does not need figs, I know.

Namaste

*<twinkles>*

fae

[KarenK]

Fae,

In a way, your post reminded me of the trip my son & I made to St Vincent De Paul a few days after we buried Ron. It was to donate unopened meds, insulin, diabetic & wound supplies, & cases of tube feeding food. As I drove away, the thought hit me that I couldn't give all this away, because it was what was keeping Ron alive, & through my tears came the realization that he didn't need it to survive anymore. Nor did he need the various canned items that were to be consumed after his feeding tube would have been removed. Those went to the nearby community center.

With the holidays approaching, it may be time to clean out his closet. I know there will be churches & shelters in need. So when I feel better, I will check into that.

I am still pretty sick with this head & chest mess & am finally going to break down & go to the doctor tomorrow for some antibiotics. Have had this for 2 weeks now & can't kick it. Like you, I am going to make the effort to take care of myself. Unlike you, I really have no one depending on me for anything. I a way, that has a downside. It is sad to no longer be needed by anyone.

Karen

[feralfae]

Oh, Karen, dear heart,

You need you so very much right now, to be the compassionate and loving mother who checks your temperature every hour, makes sure you have warm fluids, who puts and extra blanket on the bed.

And makes sure you see the doctor, too. It is time to be very self-compassionate, which is a huge need of you, your presence, emotional involvement, and lovingkindness to your own wonderful body, so it can heal with the least amount of trauma.

Yes, that is also a lecture to myself. I am slowly getting back in touch and back in tune with my dear body, which has been through so very much these last almost years, all the while also having those shifts of Doug's leaving at the cellular level of my body. (I still react to the fragrance of stacks of his papers from his desk where he kept things with particular fragrances, now all mixed together: wd-40, a honing kit for his carving knife, two pipes and tobacco pouch, his pens and his own paper, just all those things that carry the Doug scent.)

We are all overcoming the numbness and fog of grief these days, and so being present with our own precious bodies is not so easy, but we are very much needed to take care of ourselves as well as we can right now.

I will be waiting to hear what the doc has to say. Glad you are going.

Yes, the clothing things are tough. I have not yet cleaned out Doug's things, and I may wait another year. I am just not ready yet, and I might be tomorrow, but I am not ready today. It can all wait. I am trying to keep myself out of stress as much as possible, without being a sofa slug.

I remember when Hospice came out and turned all of Doug's drugs into a slurry of water, kitty litter, and medicines. So drug addicts would not find them in the garbage. I am glad you can donate them to Good Samaritan. I really did not want to touch them. It hurts just to think about those last days. I know it does for you, too.

Please need yourself and be so kind and gentle and loving. I think I am finally learning to honor with compassion the woundedness of Doug's escape and all that followed.

I am most definitely taking better care of myself, and I am going to be watching how you are doing.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Wifflesnook]

I have all Pete''s clothes untouched. I just cannot even think about moving them. The empty cupboards would break my heart again and again and again. I suppose one day I will do it. I remember Mary saying how she took some of Bills and they were just thrown into a box and it hurt her so much

[feralfae]

Oh, Dear Jan,

Yes, I watched some of Doug's friends and family in a feeding frenzy of taking his things while I was in Fairbanks and opened the storage shed, and so they finally had access to more "stuff" and it was as if I were not there, they just jumped in and started fighting over things.

I had to walk way. And I could not stand to see Doug's things, so filled with memories, dumped into a box with total indifference. I have given away some things. One of our G*dsons has Doug's favorite ties. Another has his parka. A lot of our things were already gone by the time I got to Fairbanks.

I am trying these days simply to acknowledge the painful times, the awful times, and give myself a lot of compassion about it, and let it go so I can heal. I need to heal. I cannot continue to walk around with all this anger and pain. It is most definitely harming my health.

I think we do all these things when we are emotionally able, in our own time. I am not ready for so much clearing and sorting yet. I am okay with leaving it all another year or five if I need to. I know I must focus on getting my own health back together, and leaning how to live again.

I think when you are ready, you will do one thing at a time, or all at once, or anything in between that feels right for you. Follow your heart, dear Jan.

*<twinkles>*

fae