Transformations On This Path

[enna]

I think some of us are beginning to see that we can live with our spouses in a different way now. You know that I have usually been the optimistic one around here and I have always liked the idea that all the good memories are only waiting to surface. I have witnessed many things happening on this forum. Who could not be joyous seeing Swans and a Great Blue Heron on Fae’s solo driving journey, or a peacock where there usually isn’t one in Mary’s WI, or doorbells ringing giving a wake-up call to Chris, or Pete’s presence when Jan is caring for the moths, or butterflies and hummers sticking around keeping me company. So many others are finding that joy, no matter how small, in our daily living. Card making, jewelry making, fundraisers and marathons for NET cancer, acting and directing plays – the list is endless.

We are all blending these joys into the sadness that we all have in common. No one told us it would be an easy ride – actually we were/are told the opposite – the journey will be work, we will learn to ride the waves and put up with the roller coaster rides even though we don’t like them because that is how we are all going to move through the tunnel to arrive at the place where we can say “Hey, I made it.”

To me making it means that we will only be finished with our journey when we meet up with our spouses once again. Until then, we will continue to journey solo and as Kay says, “We get stronger.”

Our journaling, no matter what form it takes, will catapult us along the way. This fire we are all around will give us the strength because we are not alone. The pain and loss will always be there but the comfort of knowing that others are with us gives us the courage to "lean into the pain and loss” as our Fae says.

We have many things to be grateful for and I for one am grateful for the ability to breathe, to see the beauty in nature, to hear birds and other creatures going about their daily lives making the noises they make, to smell chocolate cake baking, and to feel the pains that we have to put up with in order for healing to occur.

Anne

[feralfae]

Amen, dear Anne, Amen.

Namaste

fae

[Queeniemary]

Beautifully said Anne, you have such a way with words, you surely make me think, and be even more grateful for this forum, and the wise and wonderful people here. We are all so different, but so alike in this grief journey. Even though our paths are different, we do share the grief that we all feel. I for one, am determined to live life fully, until I reach that other side, and see Mike once again. AND I will be with him again, I know that, just don't understand the way it will be, but we will be together!

Mary(Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[kayc]

My dear Anne...these are the silver linings to all of this. The things I have learned and gleaned from this journey are true jewels. Who'd have thought it!

[feralfae]

nattering . . .

I have just smudged my entire home again. This time, I asked that the sad memories fade away more, and that when I return to this spot, I will have a happy memory there instead. I have done a little walking around, and I am having happy memories, and I think it is inspired by Deborah's wonderful photo of Larry and his Dad. I began to consider that I could intentionally call up good memories and have them for places around here, so I am doing that now, planting seeds of good memories in places, on chairs, beside counters, I am planting seeds of smiles we shared, and happy times before Doug got sick. I want to gift myself with happy memories every day until Solstice as much as I am able, and I am going to get out photos, and gift myself those wonderful times and maybe write down some of the stories to go with the memories.

This is the best thing I can think of to do for myself right now.

Thank you Deborah. *<twinkles>*

And an email from a friend at Meeting, who smiled at the story of the Tundra Swans, "I admire your courage, to go Birding. It takes a lot to get to even the front door when faced with the frankness of continuing to Live." Wise one, she.

We are all having courage, and here we are, around our Fire, this Tribe.

So, since you are all tribal, I am assuming you all know about Smudging. *<twinkles>*

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Wifflesnook]

No Fae. I had never heard of smudging. Pete and I liked having incense sticks burning but we had never heard of smudging. I left the site to google it and I'm going to do it. I like the idea. Thanks Anne for your uplifting post. I have a bad cold which is getting me down a bit but I am really trying to cultivate gratitude. I dreamed about Pete last night and that was GOOD

[enna]

Oh fae, yes, I do know what smudging is and I do it often. I love the holiday season and evergreens are on the top of my list.

Our sad memories are beginning to fade away even though they will always be there. I find that my heart is not so heavy when I focus on some of the good memories. I mentioned in another thread one of my ideas about coping with the holidays to bring up those good memories.

I just love how we are present to one another here around our fire. I think if we remain open to what others have to teach us we become better at fulfilling who we really are and that is caring, surportive, loving human beings who do love ourselves and that is a key as to why we can love each other.

Jan, I hope you are beginning to feel better. Winter colds are not fun. Remember to give loving care to yourself. How lucky you are to have the dream of your dear Pete.

My thoughts and prayers are on Queeniemary today as she has her eye surgery.

Anne

[feralfae]

Dear Jan,

I think your body is telling you that it needs a lot of rest and sleep, healing time and self care. I hope you feel better soon. I am sitting here looking out at the full moon still high in the sky this morning, the sky still a deep slate darkness all around, with a few stars shining and Venus, brightly lit from the sun's light, high in the sky riding above the moon quite a ways.

Jan, please sit with yourself and feel your own body, and its need for rest and healing. If you were closer, I would send some gray sage to you for smudging. It is the same sage we use for other ceremonies as well. But it is often used to help calm people and soothe them through difficult times. And there are other sages for other uses.

Yes, Anne, thank you for mentioning HRH QMary's eye surgery. I will hold her in prayer as well.

We will make it through these holidays, and we will find peace in some of our wonderful memories of happy times we shared with our beloved. I wish Doug were here, I wish I had more dreams about him, and I wish things were not as they are. Since I have no choice, I am trying to choose to find joy in the memories this year. I love your memories in bottles that you are doing. I think I will just keep jotting down good memories in my journal, and maybe add some photos to the journals as I go along.

Anne, I hope your PT is going well. I know it is a grind, but I am still feeling improvements in my stride and back every week, so I am a definite advocate of PT, even though it is tough.

I send kindly thoughts to everyone here today, and many blessings for us all,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

That gives me an idea, Anne...since I'll have a fake tree, no reason I can't bring the evergreen scent into my house with some fresh cut boughs! I have tons of evergreen trees on my property, will cut some low branches & use. George loved the holidays, I'll pretend like he's here, put on some music, and decorate! Has to wait until after Thanksgiving though, one holiday at a time!

I hadn't heard of smudging either.

[feralfae]

The new roof is on! The new Roof is on! It is beautiful, lovely, dry and protective.

I had no internet service yesterday and part of today, as they took off my internet dish to put on the new roof. Now internet is back and I am so very happy to have the new roof. The chaps cleaned up very well when they were done, with rolling magnets, and walking around picking up the tiniest of bits of roofing material. The yard is cleaner than when they arrived.

And the godsons are sawing firewood for me in earnest now.

Oh, I am going to bring some boughs as well. I don't know how carried away I will be with decorating, but I will hang the wreaths the day after Thanksgiving, and begin to put out some cheerful things, and begin now to anticipate some happiness and joy during the season. Thank you Kay, Anne, everyone, for cheerful ideas.

Kay, I am holding you in prayer during this time. And I am happy to see you making happy plans as well! We are balancing our lives more evenly between grief and gratitude, and some happiness is returning I think.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Yay, fae's roof is on! How wonderful that they could do it before winter! Someday that will be me posting the same! And cut your firewood too! I bought some a couple of weeks ago and am still waiting for it to be cut and stacked...the fellow is needing to have work done on his chainsaw.

[feralfae]

I think that tomorrow, if I really feel up to it, I will haul up a couple little cart loads of firewood with the riding mower. (We expect snow and cold here tomorrow, and the roofing crew cancelled another job they had hoped to begin tomorrow. We have snow moving in from over yonder your way.) I am hoping to get a couple of loads up for the week. It is cut, but out in the forest right now. I know I can always turn on the heat, but I have so much firewood, it seems a waste not to use it.

I hope your guys get out to cut your firewood. We sharpened the chains yesterday after cutting. But I will just haul tomorrow the pieces that do not need splitting.

I am really, really happy about the roof! Tomorrow, I move stuff back around in the attic. If it is not too cold. They also installed one of those new ridge line ventilation systems that goes under the ridge line cap of shingles, and it is supposed to better ventilate the attic. But he said it will get colder up there now than before, but also stay cooler in summer. It was a great crew of fellows, very nice men, although some do Chew (yuk!) and one boy could not be more than 20 who has the habit. Maybe it is a roofer sort of thing, like baseball players. One dear young man is a close neighbor, living with his grandparents.

Kay, I am here if you need to write or talk. Blessings and peace to you, dear one.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

I don't seem to find your phone number and I'm afraid Anne's already asleep. Maybe I'll call you both tomorrow sometime if I get your number, that is.

I have enough firewood for a while. I bought four cords from the first guy, but stacked it doesn't look like more than three, have already gone through one row this month. I should use my Edenpure more to stretch the wood out. The wood costs so much! But the Edenpure doesn't get the house warm, just keeps it from freezing. Which is okay if I bundle up.

Sammy (pup) finally settled down. Never could get her to go to the bathroom. Strange dog. Never had to coax one into it before.

[KarenK]

Well, I have survived the day of my 41st Anniversary. In truth, it was no different than facing any other day. I sort of remain numb out of self preservation, I guess. I had planned to go to the cemetery, but fell asleep in the recliner after very little sleep last night & having to go to the doc early. When I woke up, it was sort of late to go as the freeway starts to back up in the early afternoon. I don't much like freeway traffic unless I'm out of the city on the Interstate. So will go another day. When you think about it, I guess we visit the grave more for ourselves & not our lost loved ones. They don't really care that we are not there as they are not there either.

I went to my widows meeting & there were only three of us, so we went to a nearby sports bar for appetizers & drinks. The three of us are not much on drinking, so we just had cokes. They paid for my portion as a gesture to celebrate my anniversary, which I thought was very nice. So, it was a pleasant evening, just being able to sit & talk.

My daughter called when I got home to check on me. She is still feeling okay, but was upset because a church friend who also had the same cancer, had died of a heart attack. In addition to the sadness of the death, she is again faced with her own mortality.

Weather is predicting rain for us for a few days starting Thurs. Rain here is a "krap shoot". I never believe until I open the door & it is raining. Would welcome the change, though. Would rather be in Montana with Fae watching it snow.

Karen

[feralfae]

Dear Karen,

I am glad you made it through the anniversary day and allowed yourself to move at your own pace, do things with others, and to rest when you needed to do so.

It is snowing here right now, and it is supposed to snow for a couple of days, so the roof got on just in time. I cannot say how thankful I am to not be worried with leaking this winter. I still have a bit more plastering and painting to do from the leaking, but that is nothing compared to having the roof on.

I am especially happy with things because I am doing these projects without Doug here to supervise, help make decisions, and check on things when the workmen are done. But I really do think he would be happy with the new roof, then new stove, and the soon to be installed new countertops. And he would do the plastering and repairs if he were here. I could hire someone to do these little jobs, but I must say it gives me great pleasure to know that I can take care of some small things myself, and that I have the competence to do so. It also means fewer strangers in my home, which feels good and safe right now.

The snow is really coming down right now. I hope I can get the tractor out into the forest today to haul some fire wood, at least a couple of loads.

Karen, I do understand about your daughter facing her own mortality (and I hope also feeling her own immortality as a spirit!) and what a shift it can cause when we are already ill. I thought I was for sure gone with the cauda equina, and before the surgery, I had accepted that I might be leaving. I had simply asked Doug to be with me, and to stay close in case I needed him.

Of course, I had actually left a couple of times when I had my bad fall, when I was certain I was finished. I was there, above the bed, in the operating room, watching the docs working on me and one nurse praying. What has been interesting with my own life and then Doug leaving is that once we both accepted that we would be leaving these bodies, life shifted in some profound way, and we became much more grateful for this life and all the wonderful times, and less afraid of death.

I still wish Doug were here with me, present in his body, sharing the delight in the fresh snow of the morning. I wish he were here for warm hugs in a cool house, helping to rekindle the fires from the night of small fires, and then going out together to sweep and shovel all the walks and decks. I wish he were here to help me feel settled, safe, snugged in, and appropriate to the day. I just miss him. I am glad it is snowing today, because I am taking the day off to do a lot of chores around the house, the attic, and the kitchen, and so I won't go out much except to haul wood. I am very thankful for this day.

One of Doug's good friends here in Montana is going to some over to have Thanksgiving dinner with me, which is good as he is also celiac and dairy free, so we can cook up a nice meal together and enjoy eating all of it. For both of us, it is hard to eat out or at other homes, because of our allergies, so our last Thanksgiving with Doug still here, the three of us had a nice meal and then watched a movie. By then, we knew Doug would be leaving before too long. Last year, I do not remember Thanksgiving at all.

I am going to go make some decaf and toss on my thermals so I can go out soon to haul wood before the snow gets much deeper. It is really snowing tremendously right now, and the pine needles are beginning to accumulate those little snow caps of snow.

I am glad you had a nice outing with your friends. Here in Montana, I look around at how my friends from the grief circle the last couple of years are moving on. The friend whose partner when through chemo with Doug is now living with a new partner. My friend Karen has a friend who also helps her with things, and she seems happy with him, but angry still about her husband leaving. My friend V. is angry, and drinking too much. My friend L. is keeping herself very busy and seeing someone, but not happy. I am not ready to see anyone yet, not even to go out for coffee. I am going very slowly, and truly trying to let the grief flow from me at its own pace. I've given up on having a time line for healing. It is just going to happen as it happens. It truly does seem to be an organic process.

Yesterday afternoon, more files were moved from the office. Some came here to my home office, and some have gone to other places. We will have the office closed and cleaned by Christmas, that is the plan. This is the end of a lot of our efforts and time together when Doug was still here. I will still have a home office, though, and it is shaping up nicely. I will work from home three or four days each week. I am not sure about my schedule yet.

Karen, I hope you have rain today if you need it. Our weather here can be pretty unpredictable, too. Living just off the Continental Divide, I can watch the storms coming across the mountains, and yesterday, we watched the dark clouds pile up and spill over, knowing that we would be getting snow or rain by night. It got cold, so we are having snow. I will bring the outdoor wreaths down from the attic soon. Then I will get fresh boughs to put in the house. I always had roses and pine boughs on the table for the holidays, and Doug loved red tulips as well.

More peace. This year, I have more peace in my heart than I have had. My heart still feels very empty and broken, but not so scattered or scared as it has been. I am grateful for this awareness that I have healed some, and that I can face the days now without my heart aching at the prospect of spending another day on Earth without Doug. I know he is here with me, and I am growing more accepting and understanding of this new way of being together. It is not my first choice, but I am ever so grateful that I can still feel Doug here with me every day.

Karen, I wish your life were easier for you right now. I know that a lot of these days must leave you drained and so very tired. I think you are doing really well, coping well, and managing to make it through the days no matter what you are handed. I am also glad you are taking care of yourself. I think one of our biggest challenges is turning toward ourselves and being the caring and compassionate person we need to be to gently help ourselves to heal.

I am sending some beautiful snowflakes your way, along with

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Karen,

I'm glad you survived the day and even had friends to share it with, but I'm sorry about your daughter's friend, and how that must feel to her. It seems life can be such a struggle, we have to make concerted effort to find the good in it sometimes. Still, it must be pretty good, we do all we can to continue in it! I read Nat's poem, and in a way it brought comfort, but in other ways, I thought, "That's not true! Life IS changed, and nothing is the same!"

[kayc]

fae,

You must have gotten up pretty early, I feel bad I kept you up so late. I hauled some firewood last night, but it doesn't last long. We're getting cold weather, in the 20s so I'm going through it. Looks like the rain will give us a break this coming week, yay! Snow, huh? I still haven't had it, they predicted it but it didn't materialize. I hope it waits the next three weeks, so many activities and I hate driving in it. Still don't know if my truck will be drivable, hoping it was just the battery, which I replaced.

[feralfae]

Ha!

I went out to charge the tractor battery, and I am NOT hauling wood today, as it is down to 11F and a god day to just stay in and do house things, of which there is plenty to do. I may make bread as well. I have enough firewood for the week, I think, and so I am just going to snug in and do things around here. I may go out and walk, even though it is cold, just to be out in the fresh air and crisp snow for a while.

I miss Doug so much on days like this. We loved playing outside in the snow and cold together, and I just wish he were here to laugh and sing "Jingle Bells" to me today while he sauntered over through the snow and wind to kiss me. I am glad I have the wonderful memories. I know I will be okay, and that life will go on in good ways, but sometimes the wonderful memories just make me miss him ever so much more.

Well, I have a client file here to work on, so I think I will go spend a couple of hours at my home desk.

Kay, I hope that the truck is drivable, and that you and your siblings get more straightened out about your Mom today. I hope the visiting pup calms down a bit as well. Wow! It must be a little chaotic there with an untrained dog in the house. Glad you can take her to her own yard for a familiar run. At least Arlie has figured out how to handle the situation!

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Truck is lugging down, not sure what's wrong with it, but it makes me afraid to trust it. Right now I'm just driving the dogs in it to get to the neighbors fenced yard so they can run around. If it quits on me, we can walk home. Will try to get a ride down to my car later so I can bring it home and have it to drive this week. Am not sure what will happen next week but one day at a time.

fae, you have it cold there! Wow, that's VERY cold! Homemade bread sounds good on a day like this, if I was there I'd make a big pot of soup to go with it! Just finished mine yesterday, need to make some more.

I just filled out the covered in Oregon 19 page application and faxed it to them, decided not to procrastinate any more. I guess this is just the preliminary stuff, once they go over it and get back to me, THEN I have to apply for insurance. Ugh! I hate stuff like this, esp. when you don't know what it'll cost or am not sure how you'll be affected.

[feralfae]

Dear Kay,

I hope you can get to the car! One less worry for the weekend then.

Yes, it is cold here, but I am cozy in longjohns and wool socks and sometimes a hat. I decided to make a pot of kitcherie today, and it is simmering on the new range, not on the wood stove, so I can better control the heat levels. I am flocked with birds at the feeders today, and just put out more suet and seeds for them.

Congratulations on getting the forms filled out! I am sure they will tell you everything, and actually, I am not sure there are many choices out there any more. Good luck with it.

Time to go stir the kitcherie and get some more decaf and stoke the fires, etc, etc, etceteras.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

Once again, fae, you sent me to google to look up kitcheri since I had never heard of it. I would not be against trying it!

I so understand what you mean about you missing your Doug. The holidays always seem to bring out the most painful memories no matter how much we want to remain positive.

My PT is coming along. It's grueling but it is helping. I suppose in a few more weeks I'll begin to notice the improvement. I can already turn in bed and stand without all the ouches! I had myself convinced that I needed a hip and knee replacement when all it is is the muscles in the thigh wrapped around some nerves because the muscles are so tight! Oh, what fun. . .

Kay, I hope you were able to get your car. Ever find out what's wrong with the truck? It's not that you don't have enough on your plate. Do you have the puppy trained yet? Good for you for getting the paper work completed. Hang in there. Anne

[kayc]

Do I have the puppy trained yet? Hahahaha! It'll take me the entire time to make headway, I'm sure. It's tremendous work, but we're making some progress, little by little.

I haven't had anyone look at my truck. I'd like to talk with my son about it but he has a very busy schoolday today.

Not really worrying about the medical insurance...if it's affordable, I'll get it, if not, I won't. Trying to take good care of myself so I won't need it meanwhile.

fae challenges me too, it's funny to see words you haven't heard of! I love it! Now my only question is, what is ghee?

[feralfae]

Dear Anne and Kay,

There are a lot of kitcherie recipes on line, and I imagine all of them are delicious. Be sure to carmelize the onions garlic and ginger for that deep flavor. I just had a bowl for dinner, and it was really good. One of the Friends at Meeting is going to bring some kitcherie recipes for us all to try, although the one I used is from SSK.

Anne, Congratulations on moving more again, and for already seeing that the PT is working. PT is an amazing process, I think.

Kay, you are am amazingly long-suffering friend to take on an untrained pup for a couple of weeks. And you will no doubt do the dog some good. Good luck.

Well, I have little choice about a long day tomorrow which will begin early, and I have had a long day of sweeping, shoveling, cooking, cleaning, and more, and so I think I am going to crawl in to bed very early and hope to dream sweet dreams about Doug. My BP is coming down very nicely, and so is my pulse. I think I was just scattered from the hospital stay, and that my body is getting back into balance now.

Blessings to everyone, and enjoy Thursday.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

Okay, my Tribe, I am back in the hospital since Wednesday for second time in a few weeks, and they are not sure if it is adhesions, a torsion, or a tumor. Please keep my in your prayers. I appreciate all positive energy and good thoughts you can toss my way.

Thank you,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

Okay, my Tribe, I am back in the hospital since Wednesday for second time in a few weeks, and they are not sure if it is adhesions, a torsion, or a tumor. Please keep my in your prayers. I appreciate all positive energy and good thoughts you can toss my way.

Dear fae, I wondered about you and hoped nothing was wrong. I do hope they figure out what is going on and that healing is yours quickly. You are in my thoughts and prayers as you go through yet another hospital stay and tests.

Peace and healing,

Mary