Transformations On This Path

[feralfae]

Dear Karen.

Such news!

How good that you may get to go be with your daughter right now. I know it will ease the minds and hearts of both of you. I am holding yo in my heart, dear Karen.

I am really glad that you got a call from the doc's office about the phone problems and your antibiotics, and that all is, I hope, fixed really soon.

Thank you for staying in touch and letting us know what is going on dear one.

Blessings and

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

Kay, I am almost glad to hear all the news, even the throbbing toothache, if it all means that you are getting so much more in touch with yourself and finding contentment. The peace and soft happiness of contentment are, I think, necessary for us before we can feel safe to jump off the edge, in so many ways. Once we get content with where we are, we can go explore and grow and know that we have the GPS coordinates of contentment. Maybe Good Peaceful Serenity are the coordinates for us right now. I know I am coming into more serenity, acceptance, and hope. It feels healing and nurturing to my heart.

Wood was hauled by a G*dson today, but not by me. I biked.

Kay,I know it must be terribly hard on your heart to not be able to communicate well with your mother. I can understand your desire for her to escape before things get worse for her. I wish I could think of some other alternative for you all, but Kay, dear heart, you are doing more than enough, and you must take care of yourself now that you are beginning to heal more.

I am so sorry about your mother. Dad went fast. And he told me, in quite lucid terminology, that he was leaving prior to anyone else knowing his plans. He was in terrible pain, but lucid. I am glad he escaped from the pain.

I know that with all the love around her, your Mom will be loved and held by that love for as long as she wants to be held here. I am sending {{{hugs}}} to you, dear Kay, for this sadness in your life.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

Welcome back to our Mary!

Seriously considering flying to Louisville, possibly Thursday. A good friend from CSN generously offered to give me her airline miles. My daughter sounded so weak & in pain today. Still no diagnosis or resolution. Unable to complete tests due to blockage. Her surgeon is SUPPOSED to show up tomorrow. She asked me to wait until she has spoken to him.

Did get a call from my doc's office today in response to my email. It seems they could call out but had been having phone problems for 5 days where patients couldn't call in. Am feeling a tiny bit better. Nurse advised me to cut remaining antibiotics in half to get rid of the nausea & headache.

Thank you, Karen, for your welcome! I am happy to be here. I am also glad you might get a chance to see your daughter. I am sure you are anxious to get out there and so glad the plane fare was given to you as a gift. Peace to your heart, Mary

[kayc]

Karen,

Please do let us know after her surgeon speaks with her today. I understand your wanting to be with your daughter, I would too!

[Wifflesnook]

Just back from a lovely mini holiday. Got to catch up with all news, but especially concerned about Karen and her daughter.

[feralfae]

Welcome back, dear Jan. Good to see you here, and I am so glad you had a lovely mini holiday.

We can use your prayers. We are all holding Karen and her daughter and family in prayer these days.

Namaste,

fae

[kayc]

Jan, good to have you back! And if not prayers, positive thoughts work too!

[Wifflesnook]

She and her daughter are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope we may hear better news.

[KarenK]

Do You Believe In Miracles?

Not sure what has happened, but I am going to think of it as a miracle, perpetuated by all of you & Debbie's faith in a higher being. I just spoke with her & she sounded like a different person. Her pain is gone. No more bleeding, cramps, diarrhea, nausea. She said "the most wonderful doctor in the world"(her surgeon) had been to see her. He saw nothing major on the CT. He was not sure what had happened, possibly Diverticulitis, or something caused by the Irinotecan chemo, which has given her problems in the past. He's going to suggest a lower dose to the Onc & he's scheduling a colonoscopy in a couple of weeks. He wants her to remain hospitalized today & if things remain stable, she will go home tomorrow.

I am speechless & for those of you who know me, that is a miracle in itself. Thank you so very, very much for saving my daughter.

Karen

[feralfae]

Dear Karen,

I, for one, most definitely believe in Miracles. They happen every day. I am totally delighted to hear the good news about Debbie. That is wonderful. And the lightness and relief in your message is evident as well.

She has a wonderful doctor, and that is truly a blessing. I think when we are scared and in pain, just knowing that someone is seeing us, that we are visible as a suffering human, and not just the "appendix in bed six" makes such a difference in our healing. Our whole energy shifts, and it sounds as though this compassionate healer brought new energy in to Debbie's room and helped her to find some comfort and strength.

I am so very happy for you Karen, that you can come up for some relief, and that the news from Debbie is good. Thank you so much for letting us know.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

My dear Karen, I do believe in miracles...and I celebrate this one with you. I am certain you are breathing easier now. I am also enjoying your humor about being speechless.

Peace,

Mary

[kayc]

Karen, that is wonderful news! They say when we pray for rain, we should bring an umbrella, so I guess we shouldn't be surprised when miracles transpire! So glad for your daughter, AND for you!

[MartyT]

Blessings to you and your daughter both, dear Karen. I hope this good news will give you some respite. ♥

[enna]

Such wonderful news, Karen.

Anne

[Wifflesnook]

Great news to hear, Karen. Peace

[Queeniemary]

Wonderful news Karen, and yes I do believe in miracles. Now you can relax a little, so hard to do when your child is in pain. Praying for continued good news.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[feralfae]

For the first time since Doug left, I am going to go birding at one of our favorite places today. I must go to Great Falls for a couple of meetings, and then I am going to spend the afternoon at Benton Lake NWR, where the snow geese are migrating, and there are a lot of other birds as well.

Karen, I will be thinking of you and Debbie today, and sending prayers.

I'd better get out of here so I won't be late. It is about an hour and a half drive to Great Falls, then after my meetings, I will go on north a bit to the refuge. I think I am ready for this. Doug knew everyone there, all the biologists, so I will stop to say hello to them. I miss Doug so much, and I want to get back to having some of the fun things in our life still be a part of mine, so even if the missing is hard, I want to go say hello to the Snow Geese who have come so far down from Alaska and other circle places. Migrations are so remarkable to me. I was just looking at my list of things to do in the next couple of years, and seeing another caribou migration is most definitely on the list. Today, I will watch these mighty migratory birds. There are some swans up there as well, according to this morning's birding report. I know Doug will be with me.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Wednesday.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

nattering . . .

I made it through the day, and I am very proud of myself. I was at the refuge by noon, waved at people going off to lunch in town, as we drove in opposite directions, and so did not stop to say hello to anyone, partly because I thought it was more than I could do today.

But I got out amongst the ponds, and found a beautiful whiteness of Tundra Swans (Cygnus columbianus)!!! So incredibly lovely and magnificent!!! I sat and watched them preening, feeding, and being playful for more than an hour, just feeling so blessed to see this whiting, bank, or drift of such magnificent creatures.

There were hundreds of Snow Geese, too, (a big gaggle!) down from the Arctic, looking sturdy and stocky next to the Swans, but also beautiful and courageous undertaking this long flight. The geese will go on much further south. The Swans often hang out here in Montana all winter. Doug tried to raise Tundra Swans from cygnets at the lake, so they would come back, but no such luck yet. Maybe some day they will return. Meanwhile, the swans at the NWR just totally made my day.

Driving on further, past a huge dabble of ducks of many kinds, I reached a dryer area with a few slow-moving channels, where a Great Blue Heron rose up to greet me. I know it was Doug. He love Great Blue Herons, and they were his totem. This one was very long and lean, almost gaunt, and I am surprised to find it still this far north, but maybe it knows about a warm spring that I do not know, and then, sometimes the herons will stay all winter if they have open water and fish. I will check on him next time I go up there.

I made it. I made it. I cried a lot about not having Doug along, and I cried that we will never share geeky excitement over a bird again, but I made it. I feel as though the Swans and the Heron were sent there for me today.

I almost turned around at the visitor's kiosk, because I was already crying, but I wanted to go celebrate all the wonderful times we had watching birds there, watching a badger waddle across the grass-waving prairie, a Harrier quarter the field with slow, swooping flight just inches above the grasses, the burrowing owls standing on top of their mounds to watch us walk past them, so curious were they. I wanted to get to a place in my heart where I could smile and be in love with those memories, not afraid to remember them.

This was sort of my big step into solo fun things to do. I am glad I did it, and I feel stronger and more at peace, because now there is one more place I can go which has been imprinted with new memories that bring a sense of peace and delight. I am so wonderfully happy to have seen the Beautiful Tundra Swans!I have never seen them there before this time. They were a gift to me today. I am taking their presence personally.

And I feel powerful, for having done this trip solo, all by myself, taking care of everything, most especially me, and respecting when I needed to stop and cry for a while, just to let the sadness get washed away. The passenger foot well is flooded with tissues, and I will clean them out tomorrow before head to town.

It has been a beautiful day of much-needed rest and recreation, and I did it alone, so I got to do whatever I wanted. (You cannot do that when you have a girlfriend along who has her own ideas of places to eat, etc.) I wanted my trip to be for me, and for Doug's love of all things feathered. So this was my day for me, and it was totally super.

Thank you for letting me share it with you here, around our fire.

end of natter.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Wifflesnook]

Fae you are an inspiration. I know how hard this would have been because I struggle so with doing things solo. As you know I live on the edge of a nature reserve (very small scale), called Spurn Point. Dogs aren't allowed on the peninsula so I can't take kelbi. So it's almost impossible for me to go there without my beloved Pete who was always with me on our walks and drives there. Always. So since he had the stroke two years ago I can count on one hand the times I've been there, and only once have I gone alone. But I want to go. It's just I can't bear the pain. But maybe with the pain will come comfort? I don't know until I try it. The road has now been washed away but I may walk along the beach instead. If only I could take the dog I would go a lot but it's the walking alone which I dread. But you just did it and I will try soon.

[kayc]

fae,

I was not on here yesterday, I had enough with visiting my mom with my sister and the exhaustion that follows. Today as I read about your trip to see the swans and the mighty Blue Heron, I feel so full for you! All of us here know the huge step of going out alone to enjoy ourselves...things we used to do with our spouse, and at first, it's hard to do alone. But you did it! I am proud of and glad for you. For you know that any time you wish, you can step out and do things alone again. And I'm glad you were rewarded so greatly with something so magnificent to watch! I, too, remember going alone...to church, to eat, to the coast where we honeymooned and celebrated anniversaries. Shopping, as we'd always done that together. To family functions. Each time we spread our wings, I think we get stronger.

Jan, it will come for you too, you will know when you are ready.

[feralfae]

Dear Kay,

I wrote to you on another thread about your visit with you Mom and sister. I am sure you are exhausted, and I just hope you can rest now and find your own precious center of peace again, because you have been doing so very well. Good for you for doing this, and good for you for resting after the day.

Yes, I feel much stronger today, although I am crying as I type this, mostly tears of gratitude for having Tribe here by this fire who "get it" about going off to do fun things alone for the first time, or any early time, while our hearts adjust to feeling joy all alone. Solo.

I felt so very alone. It was a very alien time for most of the day, feeling so out of my element and out of synch with everything, because Doug was not there with me to also be in wonder and delight, and to share my wonder and delight with him. Thank you, Kay and Jan, for understanding the big step that this was and is for me, and for each of us, to go back into life and walk into beauty and joy alone on these early solo events.

But I am healing a lot these days, missing Doug a lot, grieving for him, but now not so caught in the web of the horribleness after he left, with the robberies and all. As I can release that fear and sense of powerlessness, I am getting stronger and more able to deal with things in my life. But the trip to the refuge, and to see the Tundra Swans (surprise!) was a gift from Doug, and I feel very blessed.

Oh, Kay, we are healing. Some days I can tell that. Thank you for your understanding, compassion, and wonderful groundedness.

Namaste,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

Thank you dear Jan,

You will get there when it is time. I was very hesitant, and almost turned back, but I know the Swans were my reward for refusing to turn back. I actually did just sit in the car and cry and have a discussion with myself about whether or not I could do this yesterday. I am glad I went on through the refuge and that I did not turn back. I am still celebrating seeing the Swans. That was such a special treat to see these beautiful birds who nest in the Arctic.

I hope you are resting and enjoying the meditations, and mostly just listening to your own inner voice and wisdom and taking care of yourself.

I am sending you lots of love to have a peaceful and lovely afternoon and evening.

Namaste and

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

I'm just reading your post from yesterday. The sight of those beautiful swans and the Snow geese must have been so beautiful to see.

And the Great Blue Heron - who could ask for a greater visit! I beleive that we are sometimes rewarded for our bravery when we do something that we don't think we can do. Your day sounded absolutely wonderful and I'm so glad you took the step.

Good for you, dear fae.

[feralfae]

Thank you Anne, dear one,

I am intending to make happy and good memories to overlay the sad times, to add more happy memories to the pages of the book. 'Same place, new space' as we say in physics. Different energy. But it was most definitely joyful energy with the Swans and Heron, and that was a wonderful blessing.

I am picking out the new counter top for the kitchen now that the new range is here. The old countertop was broken when we bought this place, but we did the living room, master bedroom, library, guest room and lower bath first. The kitchen was one of our last remodel projects on the list before we moved, or moved on. We had not decided to keep or sell this place, and I still do not know the answer to that one. But I am getting lots done that needs to be done anyway.

Taking yesterday off filled my heart with so much joy to go to a place that held such wonderful and happy memories. Going to see the birds was my anodyne to the recent hospital stay. I am working to balance more between grief and joy, longing and contentment, as well as between anger/anxiety/angst and acceptance. I must begin to save myself by bringing more joy and beauty, more wonder and awe, back into my life, the way it has always been. Now, I have new levels of awe and wonder, and also new levels of understanding. Mostly on a spiritual level, but also for this Earth, on which we are blessed to live with all Her gifts. The swans were a wonderful distraction from the pain of the visit, most definitely.

Anne, I am on loose-leaf notebook #5 of this adventure, about to begin #6, and someone wants to produce it already. I do not have a script, just lots of notes. Now that I have found Doug's last pieces of the puzzle, and am done with the criminals, I feel a lot more free to get on with my life and go out and begin to live again. Doug is here in my heart in a way that I am not sure I can describe, but I feel his presence always. And he left a lot of good instructions and coordinates, so I am carrying on. And keeping notes.

We are each on such an adventure of a journey, so filled with pain and loss, of disorientation, of feeling out of place and out of our time, and not knowing how to live on with half of us gone. I sometimes think we are given this huge choice of free will: to become more conscious, to lean into the pain and the loss, to welcome the wind in our faces, and to know that only by going through this will be be able to emerge with wholeness, or; to close in on our hearts and spirits, and find comfort in living in a smaller, reduced sort of emotional and psychic state, hoarding our energy long past the time when our energy is restored. I am not all the way there yet, I am still restoring, but I am making progress.

I am once again beginning to enjoy leaning into the cold wind, feeling the full brunt of this psychic amputation, and knowing that I will live through this time and I will carry on.

Namaste

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Wifflesnook]

Fae thank you. I've had two very long dog walks today and soon I am going to embark on the gratefulness meditation. I'm still behind because of the mini holiday but like you I am missing out on the one about our life partner as it's just not appropriate for my sad situation. However I think I am finding the series helpful. I do have much to be grateful for, even though any thoughts of such things tend to be swamped in my loss. You write so eloquently about your inner and outer life. I really appreciate your presence on this forum. Peace