enna Posted May 15, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 15, 2013 oh fae, I am so sorry that you cut yourself with one of those box cutters - I found the pic on the internet today and I thought of you instantly - dragonfly oh dragonfly... Jan, I'm sending you a feather - just because. Mary, the pic of the bird reminded me of you - spring is trying so hard. I hope you are resting, dear lady. To all my forum friends - keep a happy heart - a smile on your faces through our grief - and don't forget to eat chocolate. You will never catch up with me my chocolate lovers! Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted May 15, 2013 Report Share Posted May 15, 2013 Dear Anne, I saved the dragonfly to my desktop: if I had not already packed the paints, I would add another dragonfly to the tent fly. Beautiful, and thank you do very much. I really like the little bird with the boots. reminding us all to play more. And the feather is beautiful. What a superb set of images! I hope you are doing well, and enjoying flowers and hummingbirds. I think I am going to take the day off today, now that the taxes for the NFP are done, and tomorrow, the proper Board person will be coming to town to sign the returns (I am not on this board, thank goodness!). I wish that we all have a better day today. Still not able to type very well with this clunky bandage, but it is letting things begin to heal. I cannot type a, s, q, z, w, x or shift so I am laughing at my funny typing. It will heal. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 15, 2013 Report Share Posted May 15, 2013 fae, I hope the finger is better. Anne, thank you for the bird in boots. I like the boots. Between having my cell phone alarm set every two hours to feed Bentley, every 4 hours to meditate, 5 hours for eye drops...it is going off all day long Bentley had a good night and I got a lot of sleep. In spite of all that is going on - scary eye surgeries, Cathy's latest health issue with news coming today, Bentley's health which I think is fine....I feel like I am in a good place. I got in touch yesterday as I drove through the glorious hills surrounding our village...with why the 3rd anniversary of Bill's death was so hard in March/early April. It felt like a good-bye...like a letting go. I can't describe it because I will never let go of him but I let go of something big...still have to figure that out or not. I feel air coming into my lungs again...like a door opened....like I am back...whew...that brought for tears.... ooops...there goes the alarm...let's see...feeding # 2 already. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted May 15, 2013 Report Share Posted May 15, 2013 Dear Mary, Your alarm schedule sounds just awful. But it is good that you have meditation every 4 hours. I am laughing at how i cannot type. rest all you can today, and i send well wishes to you, bentley, everyone. fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted May 15, 2013 Report Share Posted May 15, 2013 Anne thank you for the feather. X. Mary I'm so pleased Bentley is getting better. Fae, sorry about your finger. As for me I'm still not well. Coughed a lot and tummy still very upset. It's very similar to the time I got I'll last year and didnt get up for a week, so I'm taking things very easy to make sure it doesn't get worse, I am sure it's the knock on effect of the emotional and physical turmoil of last week with the anniversary of Pete's death and the first birthday of Rosie-Mae. The body and the mind/heart are so entwined aren't they? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 15, 2013 Report Share Posted May 15, 2013 fae, yes...awful alarm schedule but it just means...getting his food ready...tomorrow he eats 6 times, then 4 for a couple of days...once it is 4 I will merge feeding with meditating Jan, you know the first year plus after Bill died I got sick all the time and had a car accident and a serious fall. I NOW know I was doing two things: running about too much and running away. I see you doing what I was doing and hope you will postpone your next trip to Raine's because what I see is that it is exhausting to take care of two toddlers for 3-4 days (at our age) and it might be setting you back hence leaving you in a no-recovery physically position. Just my thought...my 2 cents worth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted May 15, 2013 Report Share Posted May 15, 2013 Dear Jan, Yes, I think you are in a recovery from the emotional overload. That can happen so easily. I don't think there is any way to be a healthy, whole human being without having our hearts and minds, bodies, and spirits all entwined, even if we ignore parts of us lots of the time. I am so glad you have more than a week for resting and recovering. Be as gentle and self-indulgent as you can imagine. Treat yourself to naps and good teas. I will be sending healing wishes and much love, tossed every so vigorously across the mountains, waters, and field on big flingings of fairy dust. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted May 15, 2013 Report Share Posted May 15, 2013 Ah, ditto what Mary said about staying home and not visiting the toddlers until you are very well rested and entirely well. That would be too much for me, I know. Good suggestion, Mary. fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 15, 2013 Report Share Posted May 15, 2013 I think you need to postpone longer than being entirely well....add a couple of weeks to that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted May 15, 2013 Report Share Posted May 15, 2013 Ah, Mary, you are right: Jan needs time to restore after she is well. Time to let all of her body and heart rest, then begin to rebuild, then actually rebuild. Jan, I hope you are reading all of this. I have cancelled everything for today, and I am going to give myself a rest day. I need it very much, and after dropping a while file of papers, then cutting myself, I must admit I am tired and need a day -- at least a day -- of resting. Just resting. Fortunately, i have been able to cancel everything that was scheduled for today. Wednesdays off. I used to do that when I was at NU and the girls were young. David was away doing research at various museums and libraries, so I was primary parent lots of the time. Which is why i had Wednesdays off. I must get back to that schedule for me. Jan, clear your calendar for at least a few weeks. I mean it. Mary, you are our veteran journeyer and thank you for your wisdom and insights. fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 15, 2013 Report Share Posted May 15, 2013 fae, So sorry to hear about your finger! I had to bandage a finger for a week and I know all too well about the typing! Sure slows you down when you have to correct every other word! Mary, Glad Bentley is doing better! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted May 17, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 17, 2013 It would not be me if I did not bring more springtime to everyone during my days of reflection. This is one for all of us but especially for those whose spring has not quite arrived yet. Flowers – Andre Rieu A Strauss Medley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 17, 2013 Report Share Posted May 17, 2013 Oh Anne, that is so sweet, and so like you! I had to smile at the Andre Rieu bit...I ALMOST got to see him once! I met a guy that invited me to an Andre Rieu concert, and got me really pumped for it (this is why I don't date anymore), and then at the last minute I found out he'd invited THREE women and chose one of the others to go...he left a voicemail on my cell phone when he knew I wouldn't get the call (chicken). I thought it was so lame it was actually funny! I didn't mind missing the date with him, but gosh I hated to lose out on Andre Rieu! I had to play his music on my computer...maybe someday I'll actually get to hear him in person...things like that are always held in Portland, Rose Gardens, about 3 1/2 hours away from here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 18, 2013 Report Share Posted May 18, 2013 Anne, the flowers are incredible and of course who doesn't like Strauss....thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 18, 2013 Report Share Posted May 18, 2013 For Anne and all of us...and old version but spectacular. Use full screen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted May 18, 2013 Report Share Posted May 18, 2013 Anne, Mary, What a wonderful way to begin the day for me! Thank you so very much. fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted May 18, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 18, 2013 I loved the Dubai Fountain dance and one of my most favortie songs, Mary. Thank you for finding something so beautiful. You know these things touch my heart and, yes, they do bring the tears. I am learning to let them flow, Mary. You know that this has been a challenge for me. My journey of reflection continues as I approach the 25th. Mostly it is a peaceful one and I am sort of proud of how far I have come on this journey. I so miss Jim but I know we will be united someday. I love this 'safe' place we have where we all can be ourselves. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 18, 2013 Report Share Posted May 18, 2013 That made me cry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 18, 2013 Report Share Posted May 18, 2013 Anne, I posted that Dubai video a long time ago because it touched me so deeply...that song does bring forth the tears not only for each of us, for our beloveds but also for Whitney Houston whose life was so hard and ending worse. I do know tears have come hard for you. We have talked about that in several calls and I am so glad that you feel freer to let them flow...I, like you and others, do believe we will be together again and that in spite of that, these anniversaries with all their memories and meanings are difficult. I am glad you are finding peace along with the tears. I believe we can be sobbing and still be at peace. Love, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted May 18, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 18, 2013 “The world is not divided into the strong who care and the weak who are cared for. We must each in turn care and be cared for, not just because it is good for us, but because it is the way things are.” -Sheila Cassidy I have been a nurturer most of my life and with the death of my Jim I have found it very hard to acknowledge that I now need to be cared for. Jim’s death has thrown me into a state that is not familiar to me. Over the last months I have slowly come to realize that it is all right to need to be comforted. To be loved for me, to accept the arms that reach out, to believe that when someone says they really want to know how you are that they do mean it. Martha Whitmore Hickman says in her book Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief: “For a time we may need more than what we see as our “share” of help. Never mind. It is our need. It is our turn. We are entitled.” I hold on to these thoughts as I continue my journey. If I have learned anything from this god-awful pain I hope it is that I do need people who care and who do ‘get it.’ Today, almost twelve months since my Jim’s death I see a little clearer now. The pain is much more intense. I am sad about this whole final reality but not in despair. I am covered in a blanket of peace while at the same time the tears flow! There seem to be so many opposites floating around me: calm/stormy, order/turmoil, joy/sorrow… I won’t try to analyze things. I’ll allow whatever comes in to be what it is and then let things go. Breathe, Anne, breathe. I would not have been able to share this a few months ago. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 19, 2013 Report Share Posted May 19, 2013 I applaud you, Anne, for all the hard work you have done, for taking risks, for allowing others to reach out to you, for surviving, for getting up every day, for attending to your heart condition and doing it well, for letting Benji into your life, for allowing all of us to reach out to you...and so much more. I know gut wrenching pain and I know peace and they can co-exist. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 19, 2013 Report Share Posted May 19, 2013 I miss hearing the Martha Hickman quotes, I think it was Walt that used to quote her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted May 19, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 19, 2013 “Man is like the foam of the sea, that floats upon the surface of the water. When the wind blows, it vanishes, as if it had never been. Thus are our lives blown away by Death.” ~ Kahlil Gibran ♥ It says what's in my heart today. I hate not having Jim here. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 19, 2013 Report Share Posted May 19, 2013 Anne, I do know. I hate not having Bill here. And yes, our lives are just a moment in the the small picture but forever in the big one. I just wanted more....and so did you...and all of us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted May 20, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 20, 2013 My Jim’s death was on May 25th 2012 so I’d like to offer this reflection before I share some of my thoughts with you about my First Year’s Journey. From Tobias as channeled by Geoffrey Hoppe In my heart, I accept my perfect Being. I accept that the joy that I have intended is already in my life. I accept that love I have prayed for is already within me. I accept that the peace I have asked for is already my reality. I accept that the abundance I have sought already fills my life. In my truth, I accept my perfect Being. I take responsibility for my own creations, And all things that are within my life. I acknowledge the power of Spirit that is within me, And know that all things are as they should be. In my wisdom, I accept my perfect Being. My lessons have been carefully chosen by my Self, And now I walk through them in full experience. My path takes me on a sacred journey with divine purpose. My experiences become part of All That Is. In my knowingness, I accept my perfect Being. In this moment, I sit in my golden chair And know that I Am an angel of light. I look upon the golden tray - the gift of Spirit - And know that all of my desires already have been fulfilled. In love for my Self, I accept my perfect Being. I cast no judgment or burdens upon my Self. I accept that everything in my past was given in love. I accept that everything in this moment comes from love. I accept that everything in my future will result in greater love. In my Being, I accept my perfection. And so it is. I am sending this now because I shall be taking a few days off from social media to continue to reflect on my journey. My plans for Saturday include attending a Softball Game at the Senior Park where Jim was the Official Score Keeper for over seven years. Hosting a small BBQ for a few special people who also miss Jim. Getting Benji’s picture taken on the fire truck with some of the paramedics who remember coming to lift and assist Jim when he fell. And yes, they asked about the brownies but this time I shall bake Jim’s famous Banana Nut Bread for them. On Sunday I hope to drive to Sedona with Pat, Jerry, Fred, my grand dog Beagle and Benji, my very own Shipperke/Poodle and spread more of Jim’s ashes out into the winds. It will be more of a nature day for me. I hope there will be lots of AZ desert flowers and no scorpions. And yes, there will be many hours of quiet time for me just reflecting on my loss. I know that this journey has just started for me but I have accepted his death, I do recognize that I now must continue to live a life without him. I’ve included more of my thoughts in the attached pdf form for those interested in reading more. Anne Having a Conversation 3.pdf Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now