enna Posted June 12, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 12, 2013 Update - When I met with my cardiac team this afternoon I always have blood drawn first, then B/P, listen to lungs, and heart rate. I get the results of the blood tests within the hour. The numbers are stabilizing but they jump around! My weight is still fluxuating, but not enough to change lasiks this time – heart rate is the big issue today. That’s the good news. B/P is still too high and heart rate still over 120. The plan is to increase the heart rate medicine to bring the rate down, down. It is causing my heart to work harder when the rate is so high. So, I’ve maxed out on the Beta-Blocker dose until next month when I see the doc again. 200 MG a day is a lot! I’m not sure about all this medicine! Good news – I don’t have to go back for two weeks unless any of the five warning signs change. I asked about why it is so difficult to get these things under control and I was told that this happens when you have heart failure! I wondered if the thyroid could be causing the rapid heart rate since I swallowed the magic bullet that destroys the tissue back in the 70s and could I be getting false/positive tests back from the thyroid tests. They said it could so if the changes in meds don’t work in the next few weeks then it’s off to another specialist! I did not talk about palliative care today because my main cardiac doctor was at a conference and I want to talk to him about that. Also – I told the team that I was going for a second opinion and would need my records. I signed the release and will be able to make an appointment in the next few days for a consult with a cardiac doc at the Heart & Vascular Institute here in the Phoenix area. This is just way too much for me. Chocolate anyone! Benji goes in tomorrow for the tests. All day! Awe! Thanks Marty and Kay for the chocolates and hugs sent to me over on the ‘pet’ thread. I appreciate any kind of chocolate even the DARK kind once in awhile. I posted about that on the ‘pet’ thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 13, 2013 Report Share Posted June 13, 2013 Anne...dear Anne...what a time this is. If you need to talk, I am home. (I forgot to go to my monthly salad group...I even forgot it was tonight...but would not have gone anyway with the unpredictable weather and leaving Bentley home in a thunderstorm though he seems not to fear them....) Do you have a name at the H&V Institute? I am sooo glad you are going for a second opinion. Between the kidneys, thyroid, heart, heart rate and BP....a fresh look might be good though I know it is exhausting. I am sorry Benji will be gone tomorrow...spa day sounds very very good for you. Love and peace Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted June 13, 2013 Report Share Posted June 13, 2013 Holding you ever so gently in our hearts and in our prayers, dear Anne, and wishing you healing and peace . . . ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted June 13, 2013 Report Share Posted June 13, 2013 Dearest Anne, I wish so much that you could have all of us with you during this time, to hug you, hold your hand, share the concerns, listen to the doctors with you, and to lift you up as you go through just too darned much for any one person to bear. I think of course it is ALL related: you have a broken heart, after all. You are doing well to make it each day and to continue to winkle as much joy and life as you can out of each minute. I am proud of you, and I admire your courage and grit. When they diagnosed my cauda equina, I asked for all the natural alternatives that could help. I asked for more physical therapy. and while in the end, I had the, by then, emergency surgery, at least I had done all I could to strengthen and prepare my body as best I could for the surgery. So, I share this to say that you might want to ask what else you could do right now to improve your odds and recovery if they decide surgery is an option, and meanwhile, you might learn more good ways to stay as healthy as possible or to get healthier. I know there are no easy fixes a lot of times, but you are a precious and wonderful woman, and you deserve to have all the options to rise above this that anyone can provide to you. Even with bad prognosis, there are miracles and also just plain old stubbornness. I am not counting you out any time soon. {{{hugs}}} I know this is hard: they told me I might never walk again. Remember that miracles happen every day, and also remember that no matter what, we are all here with you, listening, reading, and ready to share this burden, as Marty so eloquently pointed out, in any way we can. Just let me know of anything I can do. Sasha just left to spend the night with her doggie father, and she will be back early in the morning, when he will quietly open the door and let her in to the house. Anne, I am holding you in prayer, sending lots of love, and even more *<fairy dust>* to ease your way, clear your path, and hold you in healing light, dear heart. I am here for anything that I can do for you. Much Love and *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted June 13, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 13, 2013 This was on FB (Dr. Joanne Cacciatore) this morning and it reminded me of all you dear people. How sacred that we help one another as we move forward in our individual journeys of grieving. "This is often better than any material thing we could acquire: the full and unconditionally loving presence of another." Nothing more really needs to be said. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 13, 2013 Report Share Posted June 13, 2013 Anne, I saw this also...and pinned it knowing I was so blessed with first of all, Bill, and friends and so many here....I think of the folks who have no one to hear them or even just listen. Glad you posted this. And yes, we are here for you as you walk this journey of loss and health issues. Did you hear from your loved ones in Colorado Springs yet? Here is another I saw...and believe me I do understand that the title of this one is something most if not all of us are right now. But moments of happiness will come. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted June 13, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 13, 2013 I love the graphic and I firmly believe that we must have periods of happiness in our daily lives in order to be able to move through our grief in a healthy manner. Slowly we will find that something will bring a smile to our faces. I did not believe this in the beginnig, but now I do. Yes, both families are all right in Colorado Springs. My neice said that the smoke is really in the air and it is hard to breathe or be outdoors but they are safe. Thank you for your concern. We didn't hear from our Karen until after eleven! Two things accomplished as of now - Benji played in the circle this morning and about five of his 'friends' were all getting tangled up in their leashes but having a great time. I dropped him off around 7:00 am and I miss him already. I did get a manicure but no massage today - I couldn't get the time. I'll save chocolate for later. In another hour I'll call for a consult appointment with the cardiologist. Yes, I do have a name for the consult - Dr. P. Singh and Dr. Lauer are at Good Sam's and I will see both of them - hopefully Monday or Tuesday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 13, 2013 Report Share Posted June 13, 2013 Anne, I have always believed that happiness comes in moments. No one experiences happiness constantly 24/7. We CAN in my humble opinion experience peace all the time if we work towards that. So, I agree with you that moments of happiness are essential and they do come as you have learned and as I have learned...neither of us believing it possible in the beginning. I find myself humming often. Sometimes humming, for me, means frustration and sometimes happiness. When I catch myself humming, I always have to figure out which it is : So, you posted at 8:49 a.m. and had already been to the park with Benji, to the vet, and completed a manicure. At 8:49 a.m. I was having my second cup of coffee having completed meditation and email. I do move slowly. Now at 11am here, I am taking Bentley for a walk to tire him out a bit so he is calm today at 1 at the nursing home. He is exuberant and there is a fine line between that and too active. I NEVER want to squelch his exuberance however. I hope this goes well today. The fact that I am concerned says volumes about the future. I do know that IF I decide to continue, I will be doing it on my own having made arrangements with Mark, the owner of the nursing home, first for UN official visits I hope they finish with Benji sooner than you planned so you can have him back at your side again. I hate it when Bentley is gone. He gets his teeth cleaned this fall and will be gone all day and I already am not looking forward to it nor am I looking forward to kenneling him when I am doing surgeries in July and August. Oh, well. Probably more about me than him. Let us know what you hear and when you new opinion appointment is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 13, 2013 Report Share Posted June 13, 2013 Anne, I so wish I could be there as you go to your appts. I love the FB sentiment you shared with us, so true! 2nd opinion is a good idea! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pumkin Posted June 13, 2013 Report Share Posted June 13, 2013 Dear Anne, I'm so glad you're getting a second opinion from cardiologists at the Heart & Vascular Institute. So many new procedures have evolved that would be able to help you out. You're a survivor no matter what comes your way. Glad you're seeing two different cardiologists. The doc I worked for did a lot of surgeries at Good Sam. Benji has a long day to go through with all the testing. I pray everything turns out well for your baby. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted June 15, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 15, 2013 I have a consult with a cardiologist from the Heart & Vascular Institute on Tuesday afternoon. I will be armed with my records and questions. I am seeking a second opinion just to validate that the direction I am going in with this heart failure is the best for my condition. I have not decided whether or not I'll switch over to Heart & Vascular. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 15, 2013 Report Share Posted June 15, 2013 Sounds very wise, Anne! I hope you are able to get in some good rest between now and then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 15, 2013 Report Share Posted June 15, 2013 I have a consult with a cardiologist from the Heart & Vascular Institute on Tuesday afternoon. I will be armed with my records and questions. I am seeking a second opinion just to validate that the direction I am going in with this heart failure is the best for my condition. I have not decided whether or not I'll switch over to Heart & Vascular. Anne Anne, I am so glad you have a second opinion. Thinking of you today being home with Benji and celebrating under the mister. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted June 16, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 16, 2013 As I was reading today I couldn't help but wish Benji would jump in the water to cool off but he didn't so the doggy spa picture was the closest I could come to hoping he was keeping cool like I did under the misters. The book I'm reading is - Transcending Loss: Understanding the Lifelong Impact of Grief and How to make it Meaningful by Ashley Davis Prend - Months ago, I could not read this but today it seems to have more meaning since I am beginning to understand that I am forever changed. “Synthesis is the gateway to Transcendence, because once you accept that you are forever changed and that life is forever different, you have to ask, "What are you going to do about that fact? Will the change be for the better or for worse?" It's the loss itself that becomes the catalyst for meaning. (pg 273)” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted June 16, 2013 Report Share Posted June 16, 2013 I think I have that book. I have lots and haven't opened one for ages. Wen I first got one I thought, rather stupidly, that there was going to be an answer in one. Of course the wasn't, but I think the effect of reading these excellent books is cumulative, though one phrase or paragraph will spring out sometimes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted June 16, 2013 Report Share Posted June 16, 2013 The book I'm reading is - Transcending Loss: Understanding the Lifelong Impact of Grief and How to make it Meaningful by Ashley Davis Prend - Months ago, I could not read this but today it seems to have more meaning since I am beginning to understand that I am forever changed. “Synthesis is the gateway to Transcendence, because once you accept that you are forever changed and that life is forever different, you have to ask, "What are you going to do about that fact? Will the change be for the better or for worse?" It's the loss itself that becomes the catalyst for meaning. (pg 273)” Dearest Anne, This is just what I needed to read today. Yes, the loss itself is a catalyst for new meaning, but I am learning more and more that the finding, identifying, and learning to live with the new meaning takes a lot of time and effort. And of course we want our lives to be full, rich, and good again, so decisions of themselves become meaningful as we try to see our way, act our way, walk our way, and dream our way into this new future which we enter unwillingly, but necessarily. Thank you. I am going to sit in peace today, read recent posts here around the fire, and spend a lot of time in meditation. Thank you, dear heart. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted June 16, 2013 Report Share Posted June 16, 2013 ps ... love the doggie spa. fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted June 19, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 19, 2013 “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” ~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. I wish we did not have to endure this pain of loss. I cannot take it away from any of you because we know that we have to own it ourselves. Ownership will move us forward in our grief. I am sitting with those of you who are having a particularly hard time these days. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted June 19, 2013 Report Share Posted June 19, 2013 Dear Anne, Thank you for the graphic. Yes, they would certainly already be here. Much Love, *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted June 19, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 19, 2013 (edited) Sometimes our grief is so intense that we have to go to a place where we feel protected and shielded - the quote is from the album notes from Sugarland's "Love from the Inside" - it did speak to how I have felt during this grief journey I'm on - so many of us have or are in that "emotional coma" and it takes work to come out of it. This was on my FB page today from Tom Zuba's page (another griever). Thank you, Tom. "When a pending pain is so big, there is an inner place a soul will go to keep from breaking. A place where it sits and holds terribly still, an emotional coma that allows our heart a moment of Peace so we can begin to heal. In this place we find a void, where there is no feeling, no up, no down, no sound, no taste." I have posted this before on the Meditation thread but thought someone could benefit from it. I still use this podcast almost daily and it has helped me keep centered (well, almost centered)! It will say - ERROR NOT FOUND - so just click on the podcast link and it will take you to the correct place... http://www.meditationoasis.com/podcast/listen-to-podcast/ Edited June 19, 2013 by enna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 19, 2013 Report Share Posted June 19, 2013 Anne, What a beautiful quote, both of those! I have found that to be true. I am finding more and more that when I try to view a video with Mozilla Firefox, I get an error message, I don't know why for some and not for others. If I use Chrome, it comes up just fine. Worth a shot! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 19, 2013 Report Share Posted June 19, 2013 Kay, you might check your add-ons in Firefox (tools then add-ons). Sometimes a video needs a special add-on in order to be viewed. Firefox can be delicate but I have used Chrome and it really screwed up my computer and Explorer has a lot of bugs also. So, I find Firefox the best bet for me but I do know that none of them are perfect, for sure. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 19, 2013 Report Share Posted June 19, 2013 "When a pending pain is so big, there is an inner place a soul will go to keep from breaking. A place where it sits and holds terribly still, an emotional coma that allows our heart a moment of Peace so we can begin to heal. In this place we find a void, where there is no feeling, no up, no down, no sound, no taste." Anne, I like this a lot. I go to this place often. It helps me through the rough spots. This Saturday would be/is our 27th wedding anniversary. I remember exactly where I was 27 year ago TODAY, the 19th. I drove our car while Bill followed/led on one of our motorcycles and drove up to Wild Cat Mountain State Park near my friend Betty's summer farm. We left the bike at her farm so that after our wedding, it would be there waiting for us and we would then have a bike and car up there but be able to drive back north together on the 23rd. We honeymooned at Wild Cat. (Later in Hawaii) Then returned on the 20th and stayed with Betty (died 2003) at her Northbrook, IL home until after our wedding. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted June 19, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 19, 2013 Yes, Mary, we all seem to find that place that helps us along our journeys. I have your 27th anniversary marked on my calendar - are you doing something special? I love the memory of your adventure 27 years ago. I'm glad you like the quote, Kay. As with Mary, it is one of my favorites. As far as the link above goes - I guess you just can't go directly to the podcast so you just have to choose the link that directs you to the podcasts. I usually use Firefox and some times Chrome. Since I use a Mac (no pc for a lover of Apple for hundreds of years ) I find Firefox to be fine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted June 19, 2013 Report Share Posted June 19, 2013 Dear Mary, I will be thinking of you today, and will light a candle for you and Bill along with one for Kay and George, this evening. I am glad you have such wonderful memories of your wedding time and love. I do not know what I would do without the memories. {{{hugs}}} Peace and Blessings today to you. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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