In Darkness Comes The Light

[Wifflesnook]

Dearest Anne

That is so beautiful. Like me you were truly blest with your husband and therefore the loss of him is all the harder. I too have had a strengthening of faith since Pete died. My spirituality is very important to me. I truly believe that Jim is alongside you as you trudge along this lonely path. But we are so much helped by our 'tribe' here. Love Jan

[kayc]

Anne, I love your plans for the 25th, and hope you know you'll be in our thoughts. I loved the letter you shared with us, and the pictures are great!

I am amazed, when I look back to the moment in time when I lost George...those few days afterwards, when I felt panic and did not know how I could possibly live without him. I am amazed that I have, but I haven't done it "without him" as I thought I would, I have been profoundly touched by him, his zest for life, his contagious spirit, his love that knew no limits. All of that has guided me on this journey and it is his encouragement that has sustained me and his comfort that has rallied me. In other words, I have learned to do this time "differently", but not necessarily "without him" as I at first had thought. I hope it is the same for each of you.

[mfh]

Anne, I am so glad you posted your tribute and your feelings about your journey. It is beautiful. I know that it was difficult for you to do. You know I am thinking about you this week as you approach this anniversary and it sounds like you have created a plan for the weekend that feels good for you....and Benji will be at your side the entire time and Jim at the other side...I know you said you are going off line for a few days but know that because you are not here you are still being thought of.

Peace

Mary

[MartyT]

Kay, my dear, I think the statement you made above is quite profound, as I believe that it may be the source of your incredible faith, strength, resilience and determination.

Thank you for sharing it with all of us:

I haven't done it "without him" as I thought I would, I have been profoundly touched by him, his zest for life, his contagious spirit, his love that knew no limits. All of that has guided me on this journey and it is his encouragement that has sustained me and his comfort that has rallied me. In other words, I have learned to do this time "differently", but not necessarily "without him" as I at first had thought. I hope it is the same for each of you.

[mfh]

Kay, I do understand how George's energy, spirit, zest for life energizes you, keeps you going, sustains, encourages and enlivens you on your journey through life. I feel that way withnBill....as if he is not far away but that he is around and within me literally energizing me, seeing me, loving me, inspiring me. Where else would they be? Where else would I be should i have been the first to die? I did not know how or if I wanted to go on when Bill died. I still can't wait to join him but am well aware that I am here for a reason. Sometimes I see glimpses of that reason . And so onward I go hoping to touch lives . I feel as if I live here and there as does he. Thanks for sharing that as it will remind me that he is with me on dark days. Mary

[enna]

These are hard days leading up to the 25th - the finality of death is so painful - my heart aches remembering one year ago and it seems like I have only begun my journey. Music soothes my soul as the tears fall freely tonight. Gratitude fills my heart to be able to have a place to share my grief. Anne

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTAx9tJQcaY

[feralfae]

Dear Anne,

Thank you for your wonderful sharing, for the beautiful photos of you and Jim, and for your loving letter to us all here, and I hope share elsewhere as well, because it is so filled with love, thought, and the feelings we all share.

I wish you peace these coming days. I have a candle with me, and on the 25th, I will light it for Jim and you.

Yes, our Tribe shares courage, compassion, and comfort. We hold all these healing components for each other, I think

Thank you for your wonderful presence here, dear Anne.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

So glad you posted. I know you wanted to and it is reassuring for you (for all of us) to know the people here are behind us when an anniversary comes upon us. We are here. Mary

[kayc]

Anne,

We're here for you. I should be home most of Saturday so if you need me, don't hesitate to call. Besides, I might need some help shoveling.

[feralfae]

Dear Anne,

I will try to find some beautiful flowers to share here with you as I travel. I send many {{{HUGS}}} to you as you walk and meditate, pray and cry through this time of memories of all the loving days and hours.

I hold you in my heart, dear one.

Peace be with you as you travel through this time.

Blessings, Much Love and

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Here you go, Anne, just picked them!

[enna]

I love the flowers, Kay. And just when I needed them. Today's visit with my Cardiac Team was not a 'positive' that I had hoped for - numbers are still not where they want them to be! This time it is the heart rate numbers that haven't gone down! Still in the 137+ range. I have to postpone travel for the summer! I really don't want to go into IL in August anyway. At least when I stay here in the AZ temps which could be in the 110s+ I can live in the pool and the air is DRY. Yes, the air is DRY, Mary. I should be grateful that other things are alright. I still have my good looks. Benji still entertains me to pieces. I am so grateful that we found each other. I guess disappointments should make us stronger but all I really want are hugs - that's my weakness these days. Anne

[mfh]

Kay, what a great thing. Good for you. Anne, I took a picture of my lilacs for you yesterday but it was not a good shot and it is raining so I will send lilacs as soon as it clears up. You are getting flowers from everywhere. What a group!!

Mary

[mfh]

I love the flowers, Kay. And just when I needed them. Today's visit with my Cardiac Team was not a 'positive' that I had hoped for - numbers are still not where they want them to be! This time it is the heart rate numbers that haven't gone down! Still in the 137+ range. I have to postpone travel for the summer! I really don't want to go into IL in August anyway. At least when I stay here in the AZ temps which could be in the 110s+ I can live in the pool and the air is DRY. Yes, the air is DRY, Mary. I should be grateful that other things are alright. I still have my good looks. Benji still entertains me to pieces. I am so grateful that we found each other. I guess disappointments should make us stronger but all I really want are hugs - that's my weakness these days. Anne

Oh, Anne, I am so sorry things are not improving. Did he change meds at all? Make any suggestions? And I know you are disappointed not to visit your daughter this summer. Is Benji ok? I am sending a gigantic hug: (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hug))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

As for being dry....I guess we will have to agree to disagree After living in the mountains, AZ did not feel dry to me but you and I have had this discussion a few times

I wish the news had been better. I am just so sorry.

Mary

[MartyT]

Oh Anne. Tsk tsk. Not fair. I'm SO sorry to learn of your elevated heart rate. Sorrier still that you won't be able to travel this summer. But it is good to know that you appreciate the DRY heat of Arizona. I, for one, agree with you completely about that. I don't like humidity one bit, and I think the dry air of Arizona is quite wonderful!

I'm not sending you a picture of flowers, as the ones you post on your Pinterest board are beyond gorgeous ~ but I will send you a bunch of virtual hugs, and I hope you can feel our collective arms around you ♥

[Queeniemary]

Anne, will be thinking of you on Saturday, the first one is very hard. So sorry your doctor's visit was not more positive. I love AZ, am hoping to visit my best friend sometime, perhaps in the fall who lives near Tucson. Tell Benji my girls say hello in dog talk (probably sniffing butts) Take care, thinking of you.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[enna]

Thank you, Mary in Arkansas. Benji sends his hello to the girls. You are welcome to visit anytime if you ever do get to AZ. I live up in the Litchfield Park area and I love road trips. Tucson is only a few hours from here. Anne

[kayc]

Anne,

Here is where I live:

http://www.city-data.com/city/Oakridge-Oregon.html

If you click on one of the photos you will see Greenwaters Park, where I often walk Arlie. The statue is erected at the rest stop next to the park, we often go there too as there's a lot of sniffing he can do.

If you substitute Litchfield-Park-Arizona for Oakridge-Oregon in the link, you will get your area. Vastly different! The Oakridge area has a lot of retired people but a lot of poor people too. It used to have a booming economy in the early seventies, but when they called a halt to the lumber industries, businesses, jobs dried up, and we lost a lot of families. Things went downhill, properties took a hit. But there is still the surrounding beauty, and nature, which to me will always be valuable.

Your area looks beautiful, pristine. I lived in Phoenix for a short time when I got out on my own...I don't recall seeing Litchfield Park, but maybe it was just out of my range. I do remember Sun City and Glendale. It was so much hotter than Oregon!

[mfh]

Mary, the other one

Just my opinion but I do not think we can compare how people give. You create in drama and drama and all the arts are essential to the healing of our planet. It is more than entertainment, even though in my opinion, entertainment would be quite sufficient. It is art, creativity, community. Drama lifts spirits, speaks to people's souls, and heals. I do not see what you do as less important or valuable in any way. You are being you and in so doing...you are touching people's lives.

As for humidity in Arizona, here is where I am coming from and you experts out there know far more about this than I do. Bill and I spent a summer out there waiting for our motor home. I have never in my life experienced such heat. My shoes stuck to the black top, I had to carry a pot holder so I could touch the steering wheel, and the hand on the thermometer in the patio of my friend's house melted. Now, as i think about it, I do not know how dry or humid it was but it was the worst heat I have ever experienced. Some friends sent us north of Phoenix telling us there was a nice lake there and take a picnic. So we did..the lake was nice but nary a tree to be found...just more heat. Maybe it was dry heat or humid heat. As I think about it, I just know it was REALLY hot. In the mountains the air was dry and because of that, the thermometer could read 90 but it felt like the 75 or maybe 80 that I was familiar with. In winter, because of the lack of humidity the snow evaporated...it did not melt and I never wore a down jacket even though the thermometer read 25 degrees and I was told it was because it was dry air. So that is my story. I will surrender to the dry or humid thing but I have to say, the heat was way too much for me. So how is that, Anne?

[enna]

Thank you my dear friends for all your support especially during these few days leading up to my First Year completion of Jim's death. I am so new to this spousal grieving process that I know I would not be where I am today if it had not been for all of your caring support.

My health issue has stepped in to my way of grieving for my Jim but it has not defeated me. I will learn to manage this CHF (congestive heart failure) even it kills me doing it!! Just kidding! My heart rate is too high because the blood that enters into the left ventricle cannot push out to the other organs of the body making the heart work harder. See, I've learned something in those classes for CHF. More than you want to know, I'm sure.

I may not be able to travel this summer but I will see my grandchildren and daughter. Kevin will not be able to come because he is an OBGYN surgeon and those guys don't have any time off! He has 16 deliveries and several surgeries just in the next few weeks!

Thank you for the virtural flowers and the virtural hugs. All of you know how important touch is so I am planning on remaining in the virtural hug circle for the next few days. Mary, heat is only in the imagination. We do have air conditioning in The Valley. Anne

[Wifflesnook]

Dearest Anne

I am so sorry that your heart rate is still up, and I think it's so hard that you have this to bear on top of the anniversary of Jim's death. I know from experience how close are body and mind, and maybe after the 25th you may experience some improvement. As your soul sister on this path you know I am with you over the miles from cold England to 'dry' Arizona. It's strange to see the areas where we all live, and I guess to you all my own little area must look just as unusual as does Wisconsin, Oregon, Arizona etc to me. We are experiencing the coldest spring since 1979, after the longest longest winter. Our weather is almost never extreme, but it can be very variable. I woke early (before six am) and it looks to be a beautiful sunny day, but it is still so cold. We may all live in very different areas but we are so close in so many ways. I have good friends around here but no one apart from my neighbour Sandra gets it, understands where I am in my life. Harry's posting about social relationships and Mary's response said a lot (as usual). We inhabit a world now where our preoccupations are different than they were when we were part of a couple. I hope that for some, who are younger than I, there may be closer bonds in the future for them, but for me, at 71, I know that I will never experience that again, nor want to, as I found my soul mate, had fifty wonderful years with him (not enough but ...) and now I have to find some meaning in a world where he isn't physically by my side. I am finding some of that meaning here in the forum. We buoy each other up. I feel sometimes that I am always taking and not giving, whereas you, Anne, are often giving out beautiful messages and music and pictures. I love them.

I'm glad you will see the family, even if they have to come to you. You have to rest, listen to advice about your heart, and know that we are with you. Jan

[mfh]

For you, Anne

Peonies

This morning the green fists of the peonies are getting ready
to break my heart
as the sun rises,
as the sun strokes them with his old, buttery fingers

and they open--
pools of lace,
white and pink--
and all day the black ants climb over them,

boring their deep and mysterious holes
into the curls,
craving the sweet sap,
taking it away

to their dark, underground cities--
and all day
under the shifty wind,
as in a dance to the great wedding,

the flowers bend their bright bodies,
and tip their fragrance to the air,
and rise,
their red stems holding

all that dampness and recklessness
gladly and lightly,
and there it is again--
beauty the brave, the exemplary,

blazing open.
Do you love this world?
Do you cherish your humble and silky life?
Do you adore the green grass, with its terror beneath?

Do you also hurry, half-dressed and barefoot, into the garden,
and softly,
and exclaiming of their dearness,
fill your arms with the white and pink flowers,

with their honeyed heaviness, their lush trembling,
their eagerness
to be wild and perfect for a moment, before they are
nothing, forever?

~~Mary Oliver

[enna]

Beautiful, Mary. You know there are a few of us who love Mary Oliver. The poem touched my heart. You know that when there are moments of silence what I'm doing....crying - good tears mixed with sadness.

It is very hard to be in the moment these days. Why does our memory have to be so vivid when things are so painful. I'm not looking for an answer because I know as do all who are here know about the pain of loss. I hope that there will be days when more good memories come to mind and the other ones take a back seat. In the mean time I usually go to a quiet place like the one in the picture and I find moments of peace. Anne

[kayc]

And I love the picture! My own peonies almost died, they got a fungus years ago and I have been babying them along ever since. This year the plant looks healthy but I don't see any flowers forming yet. I miss them, they are about the same color as your picture, Mary!

Jan, I agree with all you said...now I ask that you do me a favor, and show us a picture of your vicinity...I've never been there! It helps me to imagine you in your habitat.

Ahh Anne, I'd forgotten about that, oh yes, all of the air conditioning! Most here do not have that, although businesses do, so we suffer in the heat of summer. I love my fires in the winter, but in the summer, it can be stiffling hot although thank heavens, in the mountains it cools off at night.

I'm sorry about your CHF, and hope you soon get the relief you've been working so hard for. And as I said, you'll be on my mind Saturday...

[mfh]

I hope that there will be days when more good memories come to mind and the other ones take a back seat.

Dear Anne, I bet if I rummaged through my old posts, somewhere I would find that exact sentence. It has taken me a while but I would say the good memories now balance the tough ones....I know everyone's journey is different but for me, it feels good to remember him laughing, his twinkling blue eyes that my friend Barbara (also on the other side now) said to him one day, "I could swim in your eyes." He laughed about that often...especially when I might be looking right at him and saying something loving or intimate...he might on a rare occasion say, "Could you swim in my eyes like Barbara said she could." Barbara died in 1989 just a few years after we were married and I miss her everyday also. The good memories will come...I really believe that Anne. Anniversaries tend to bring up everything....tough, wonderful and in between.

Peace and love to you

Mary