In Darkness Comes The Light

[mfh]

And I love the picture! My own peonies almost died, they got a fungus years ago and I have been babying them along ever since. This year the plant looks healthy but I don't see any flowers forming yet. I miss them, they are about the same color as your picture, Mary!

Kay, we did not have AC in the mountains. It did get hot but nothing like Wisconsin (or AZ) and nights were always cool. Perfect climate. I miss it. But I love the midwest culture and never plan to leave. It is home. I separated a huge gigantic peony bush two years ago and it is just now coming back and last summer it was full of flowers the same color as the picture I posted. I love them...until the rain comes and they fall to the ground. A lesson perhaps in enjoying the moment...

Thinking of you today, Anne.

Mary

[kayc]

No, most of us in the mountains do not have AC. At least it cools at night.

Yep...there goes that "being present" again! A lesson I am continually working on...

[enna]

Finding this thought today on FB from Dr. Joanne Cacciatore gives me a better understanding of where my grief journey will take me.

And as she says - "Hard to imagine at one point...hard to imagine." Listening to those who have been on their grief journeys longer gives those of us who have just started something to look forward to.

"There was a time when I thought I'd never feel joy again. There was a time I felt guilty and shameful when I would catch myself laughing. There was a time when the sadness was bigger than the love. Grief, when lived well, supported by loving others, and integrated, transforms. It's always there, and over time it brings gifts, compassion, and joy. Hard to imagine at one point... hard to imagine."

[kayc]

There was a time when I thought I'd never feel joy again. There was a time I felt guilty and shameful when I would catch myself laughing. There was a time when the sadness was bigger than the love. Grief, when lived well, supported by loving others, and integrated, transforms. It's always there, and over time it brings gifts, compassion, and joy. Hard to imagine at one point... hard to imagine.

Anne, oh so true!

[mfh]

All of that is true for me....the paragraph you typed and the words on the graphic. As strange as it seems I know Bill better since he died...in SOME ways...and I have grown in gratitude, love and understanding. It will happen, Anne.

[kayc]

I agree, Mary, as strange as it seems! I've had more time to contemplate, plus I learned even more about him after he died.

[mfh]

Yes, Kay, I find myself just thinking about him and seeing him so clearly. I knew he was kind but I find myself aware of various ways...I know at the time that I was aware of them but they slip away and I am remembering and seeing. Nice

[enna]

Sometimes we need someone to tell us that we are beautiful. I know I posted this before but I can't find it so I'm posting it again because it just makes me feel good.

[mfh]

I like the black and white horse that sort of looks like he has Clydesdale feet. He is dancing. Reminds me of when Bill and I were camping in our RV on a beach. I heard some sounds outside early one morning and looked out to see about 100 or more horses running down the beach with riders riding bareback, barefoot and almost bare bodies. It was an amazing feeling to see them running into and out of the water and waves and free spirits as were their riders. Some kind of club and as it turns out they stayed at the same camp so I got to go over and visit the horses later that day.

Anne, read my lips. Ready? Watch!! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!! Got it?

I was thinking about you this evening as I sat here playing on line and watching Rachel who I seldom watch because thought i think she is very intelligent, she talks so fast that it irritates my nerve endings.

[kayc]

I remember that video, Anne, I love it! And I agree, you are beautiful!

[feralfae]

Dearest Anne,

I don't know if you will see this today, but I have a little tea light that I have imported to Canada from Montana, and it is burning here in my hotel room, as I remember you and your love for Jim, and Jim's love for you, this day. May the memories all bring you joy, and may you celebrate the happiness and love you shared with Jim, and may his spirit and love fill you with peace and deep healing of your heart.

I am holding you close in my heart this evening, and thinking of all you have shared about Jim -- the husband, father, pilot, friend, son, brother, one of those who walks with Jesus Christ, even now as he did while he was in his body.

Jim is not gone: his form has changed but his energetic identity is still with you now and always.

I send you a great deal of love, and will be thinking of you and Jim as I fall asleep this evening.

Blessings, dear Anne, and love to you and your mourning heart.

{{{hugs}}}

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

My heart is overflowing with all the love that is being poured out from this forum and I thank all of you who are reaching out in word or thought even during your grief journeys. We are indeed a ‘community’ or ‘tribe’ or however we want to express this group.

The candles burning and prayers offered from England, Canada, Michigan, Wisconsin, Oregon, Arkansas, NY, and so many other places, in Jim’s memory, have truly touched my heart.

I have found that over these last months our plans and desires do not always go the way we had hoped they would. So we adjust and accept and ‘be’ in the moment as we see what comes before us.

I did make Jim’s Banana Nut Bread (the house smells wonderful), I did get to the firehouse and deliver two loaves to the guys, I did visit the Memorial with Benji, I watched a few movies (Continental Divide – a romantic comedy - being one of them), I read, meditated, took two naps (grief does make one very tired I’ve found out), and waited for phone calls. None came and I was puzzled by that – actually I was confused and hurt that not one of the kids called and only a few neighbors. I did receive one call (on the answering machine because I was taking a shower) from one of the kids saying that they were going to a show! My plans for the BBQ did not work out because three of the people were out of town. I was not thinking about the Memorial Day weekend!

I am not complaining only trying to come to terms with the reality of being a widow. It will take awhile. At least I was not blindsided by the fact that people are truly over your grief long before you are! I am grateful for all the reading I’ve done and for being on this forum. One Year ago yesterday! Wow! I made it! I wonder if I shall always feel that my grief journey is just beginning! So, onward to my second year… I now know that it doesn’t mean my life will be peachy keen. How can it ever be with my Jim not here as I want him to be? Anne

[kayc]

Anne,

I know what it is to hope that someone close to you remembers and makes an overture, but that's not how it played out for me either. I think it's not so much that people forget as they're afraid to bring it up for fear of reminding you, ha! As if you could forget! They just don't know what to say or do. I always called my mom every June 10 as that was her and my dad's anv., and my dad's bdy. and I knew it was tough for her. I also remembered her on my dad's death anv. but she said I was the only one that did.

It's also hard when you lose your spouse on a holiday weekend because every anv. people will be busy and you will be alone facing it...that's what's happened to me as George died on Father's Day so my kids are always busy that weekend with their dad. Even if they'd call it'd be nice.

I know that the first year is but a drop in the bucket, but still, it felt like quite a feat to have that one crossed off on my journey...and I hope you feel that sense of accomplishment in having survived it as well. It wasn't easy and it's a feat that was hard earned!

[Cakes01]

Anne,

I think it's great and very admirable that you are doing so many things. No matter how big or small they may be to some. All things are big now-at least to me they are. Just wanted to say hi

[enna]

Hello Kristen, Thank you for saying hello. Hello to you. Most of the things we do in our lives are small but I find that we do them with big hearts. You are in my thoughts daily. Let me know how you are doing? Remember to breathe, rest and know that things will get easier. See, I made it to the first year and others have made it much longer. We are all here for one another. Love, Anne

[Cakes01]

Anne,

It really was uplitting to read your post and hear from you 1 year. It has to be hard to wrap your head around that i'm so happy that you have Benji with you. Animals really are a blessing as are good, caring, supportive people like you. Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. That makes me feel really good. I was telling Kay that i've been feeling a bit intimidated by the message boards and i know you don't really PM....i have been thinking of you too. You and Your Jim

How are you feeling? I'm....still here. I went to a garden center with my mom and aunt today. I didn't want to go, but glad i did. No calls for pet sitting. Really missing MM. Just trying to get dressed everyday even if i don't go anywhere.

I'm relieved Chris got back in touch here! My heart was racing when i was reading his posts

And i'm so happy you are here too-1 year later! I wish Your Jim was with you still, but since he can't be i'm so grateful you are taking your journey and are here and i get to know you

Love, Kristen

[mfh]

Kristen, It is good to see you here again. I am sorry you were feeling intimidated by the boards. It is just us and I hope you will return often. YOu sound better though I KNOW you are in pain and missing your MM. Take care and come back often. You are a part of this forum. Mary

[Cakes01]

Hi Mary,

Thank you it has been hard, but in a different way now. I have times i feel....numb. not believing he's really gone. Then i feel completely lost and helpless. I do think of you, Fae, and Jan along with Anne. I have been feeling intimated by the message boards, but not because of the people here. Just because it's not easy for me to just jump in. Group things now including even online now are a bit nerve racking for me. All me though-insecure. Anyway, let me know how you and Bentley are doing when you get a chance

[enna]

Kristen, hello, you are in my thoughts as are all those on this forum. I was as you say you are at the beginning of my grief journey – ‘intimidated’ at first. I thought I had to be ‘helpful’ and so many told me that it was my turn to accept the love and support offered and I never forgot this. When you are early in your loss you will not have the strength to give to others so they will give what they know to you. This is a beautiful offering that is sometimes hard to accept at first but once you accept it then it is all right to just say what it is you want to say and let others respond. Early on in our grief we are not here to offer help to others we are here to accept the love from others.

Yes, our hearts do race when we hear that someone is in so much pain that they don’t know what to do. We have all been there. Most of us work our way through it.

I am glad that you went to the garden center with your mom and aunt. I love gardening. I love anything nature and I love flowers most of all. And music…

I know you miss MM. You will always miss him but he is and will always be with you. Benji is my delight. It had been a long time since I had my very own dog. We had dogs in the family but they were family dogs. As a child I had a dog that I considered mine. His name was Boots. I loved that dog and to this day I still miss him. Anne

[mfh]

Hi Mary,

Thank you it has been hard, but in a different way now. I have times i feel....numb. not believing he's really gone. Then i feel completely lost and helpless. I do think of you, Fae, and Jan along with Anne. I have been feeling intimated by the message boards, but not because of the people here. Just because it's not easy for me to just jump in. Group things now including even online now are a bit nerve racking for me. All me though-insecure. Anyway, let me know how you and Bentley are doing when you get a chance

I am glad you took the risk and jumped in. No one here will judge you and I hope you can continue to post...You asked how Bentley and I are doing. Bentley is doing well. He had a bad spell but has come back to his sweet self and is enjoying his walks each day. I am also doing well. I believe I am in a good place these days in spite of a long long holidays weekend in which, I told Anne, the clocks went backwards...Do keep coming back. Look at this group as a gathering of individuals and post to one person if that helps you to post...everyone will read it but it might be easier for you to just write to any one of us. Peace, Mary

[Cakes01]

Anne and Mary,

I feeling very blessed. As i'm sure you both and everyone here knows that it is so important especially now to know and feel like people really do care about you. I'm really glad to hear you are doing "well" of course including Benji and Bentley i will take both of your advice and jump in more often. Thank you. I hope you slept well

[enna]

Please be here whenever you can, Kristen. This is a very healing place. Share what you want and know that just by writing your thoughts down helps in the healing process. We here on the forum do hear one another. I would not be where I am today if it were not for this forum. I have always been shy and reserved and it has never been easy for me to share personal thoughts but that is not me today. Today I think I talk too much. I have no trouble crying either! And I've never met any of my forum friends! Anne

[Cakes01]

Thank you Anne it's nice to hear that someone understands being shy. It's great that you are no longer like that. I will keep sharing and checking up on you and everyone else here who have been so wonderful to me. Right now i'm feeling like the spiral i am on is going downward rather quickly.

I hope you are sleeping peacefully

[enna]

I woke up to this beautiful thought and wanted to share. I love the sea and the poem seemed appropriate for all of us here.

To Light

At the spring
we hear the great seas traveling
underground,
giving themselves up
with tongue of water
that sing the earth open.

They have journeyed through the graveyards
of our loved ones,
turning in their grave
to carry the stories of life to air.

Even the trees with their rings
have kept track
of the crimes that live within
and against us.

We remember it all.
We remember, though we are just skeletons
whose organs and flesh
hold us in.
We have stories
as old as the great seas
breaking through the chest,
flying out the mouth,
noisy tongues that once were silenced,
all the oceans we contain
coming to light.

~ Linda Hogan ~

[Cakes01]

Lovely and the photo is breath taking. So glad you woke with such a beautiful thought and shared it with us. Thank you i hope you have a wonderful day!