In Darkness Comes The Light

[mfh]

fae. i so agree...the memories are a saving grace. I have been off for a couple of days...lost track...but i know i have been reading a lot of the posts including yours and seeing your pain in posts so very descriptive of what you are experiencing up there. Leaving home there even though you have two homes is so challenging and you are rolling with the ups and downs of all of it. Holding together and crashing, holding together and crashing again....that is our journey often. Know I am thinking of you as you prepare to leave Alaska soon and return to Montana and be greeted by all the boxes you shipped and another set of memories in that house. Peace, Mary

Thank you for thinking of me. As I was thinking about our anniversary on Saturday, it occurred to me that on the 20th we did the bike switch and wondered if we should have postponed it since it was so close to the wedding but remembering it also felt great to get away for a day and sort of prepare ourselves for this day of committment instead of dealing with caterers, tents (we had the wedding in my friend's back yard in Northbrook) etc.

Peace

[mfh]

Yes, Mary, we all seem to find that place that helps us along our journeys. I have your 27th anniversary marked on my calendar - are you doing something special? I love the memory of your adventure 27 years ago. I'm glad you like the quote, Kay. As with Mary, it is one of my favorites. As far as the link above goes - I guess you just can't go directly to the podcast so you just have to choose the link that directs you to the podcasts. I usually use Firefox and some times Chrome. Since I use a Mac (no pc for a lover of Apple for hundreds of years ) I find Firefox to be fine.

Well, I did not have plans as of this morning but I will have lunch in Madison with an understanding friend. Then instead of seeing Man of Steel which just seems to noisy and destructive and maybe violent for me (I read about it and watched the trailer) we will go over to her house and I will help her with some computer issues she has. That will break up the day. I think I will go up to the cemetery in the morning...take some flowers and sit there for a while. When Bill died, some friends chipped in and got a stone bench which sits on MY grave (next to Bill's of course). The cemetery is out in the country and very old. My friend Mary Louise is also buried there. She died about 3 weeks before Bill. We are both Mary Louise, birthdays 3 days apart I guess that and writing to him which I do on special days and lots in between...sort of reliving the wedding, pictures, etc.

I think Mac people and PC people are loyal to what they have used and the longer we used it the more loyal i.e. unwilling to change, we are. I started on PC in 1988...25 years now so not about to switch and I imagine you are the same...

[kayc]

Mary,

Your wedding time sounds so wonderful and I well understand the need to "get away" from caterers and flowers for a while and enjoy each other...that IS, after all, what marriage is all about...not the wedding, but the sharing of lives and all of the times together and being there for each other. It's wonderful that you have a bench to sit at in the cemetery, that is a wonderful things your friends did for you.

I've been working on computers since I was 16 as my first office job was for a school system...super slow old machine that took up most of a wall. I'm glad they've evolved to where they are, excepting Windows 8 which I will spare you what I think of it.

[feralfae]

Macs rule.

fae

[kayc]

Ha ha, that's what everyone who uses Macs says!

[mfh]

Macs rule.

fae

Well, now, fae...we will have to discuss this someday

[feralfae]

I think PCs are fine for PC users.

But I totally love Macs. They seem so logical to me.

fae

[mfh]

I think PCs are fine for PC users.

But I totally love Macs. They seem so logical to me.

fae

I humbly admit...they do seem intuitive and logical. And that from a 25 year vet of PC

[Wifflesnook]

Ah weddings, Mary. We are due to go to the wedding of my niece on July 6th (my birthday) and this wedding has been in the planning for a year. It's to be a black and white wedding and the bride wants everyone to wear black or white (I think cream may be acceptable). I cringe at the making of a wedding into a work of art. To me a wedding is a marriage. A celebration of the love of two people, and their public commitment. It's not necessary to spend huge sums of money. Pete and I had a very modest one, with sandwiches after the service, in my parents front room. A vicar recently said that in his 50 years of experience the cost spent upon a wedding was in inverse relationship to how long it lasted. My niece is a lovely girl and I hope to enjoy the wedding. The fact that Pete won't be there upsets me, though he never liked such social occasions anyway. Anyway this grumble is just to say weddings are wonderful things and anniversaries are poignant when we have no longer got our loved ones alongside. Our next one, on 28th July, will be the second without Pete. I can't believe this. I used to worry that the further I got from the date Pete died the further away from him I was, but something Kay wrote just now comforts me that this need not be so.

[Wifflesnook]

This is good

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/3462555?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003

[mfh]

Jan, thanks for the neat post and for the Huffington piece which is, indeed, excellent.

Our wedding was in my friend's backyard. We wanted a church wedding but the Catholic Church in my diocese would not allow it since I was not a member of a parish. So be it. My brother, a Catholic priest, presided but because of the diocese rules he could not pronounce us man and wife so my wonderful judge friend joyfully and with great humor did that. He said he waited many years for that honor. He died just five years ago and I flew to Denver a year ago to see his wife, also a good friend. I used to take the stand in Mike's courtroom often on behalf of the kids in residence...so up went the tent and we had a joyous celebration. So many in those pictures (Betty, Barbara. Mary Ellen, Larry, mom, Dad, and more including now my precious beloved Bill) are gone. I sort of dread the Sept wedding out east...I tend to avoid weddings so Far but those I have attended are painful joy.

Yes, your birthday and a wedding all rolled up in one day. And no, I doubt any of us will ever see a birthday, an anniversary or an ordinary day pass without sharing it in the only way we can now...with our soulmates.

[feralfae]

Mary,

For many reasons, I will be thinking of you today as we set off for the water colour class up near Chena Hot Springs. I will be thinking of your art, your words, your anniversary, your love for Bill and his love for you, and a myriad of other happy thoughts about your life. You are a great example of slowly getting back into the flow of life, while carrying your grief with grace and gratitude.

Thank you.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

This is good

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/3462555?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003

This is so TRUE! It is so important to be mindful of what IS and appreciate it rather than waste your life away waiting for what may not even come! We only rob ourselves when we do that.

Jan, I do not love George any less, in fact our love seems to grow with more clarity with time. Now, instead of just appreciating him, it becomes even clearer WHY!

[mfh]

Mary,

For many reasons, I will be thinking of you today as we set off for the water colour class up near Chena Hot Springs. I will be thinking of your art, your words, your anniversary, your love for Bill and his love for you, and a myriad of other happy thoughts about your life. You are a great example of slowly getting back into the flow of life, while carrying your grief with grace and gratitude.

fae, thank you so much. On Saturday I will spend time with a friend who gets it as much as anyone can who has never had what I have been blessed to have. I can be me. I know the back of my mind and all of my heart will be crowded with reliving our glorious wedding day and many happy moments. Thank you. Mary

[enna]

Anniversaries – remembering past and future but living in the now reminds me of what you, Mary, do on a daily basis. I think they call it - mindfulness. Mindfulness creates focus and clarity in one's life. As you reflect on your life with Bill may you only have peace in your heart and because of the mindfulness that you live, I’d like to share this proverb with you:

Look to this day
for it is life
the very life of life.

In its brief course lie all
the realities and truths of existence
the joy of growth
the splendor of action
the glory of power.

For yesterday is but a memory
and tomorrow is only a vision.
But today well-lived
makes every yesterday a memory
of happiness
and every tomorrow a vision of hope.

Look well, therefore, to this day....

~ ancient Sanskrit poem ~

So bittersweet, I know, but, to me, reflects the beautiful person you are, Mary. I think we have all learned about mindfulness through your being with us at this 'fire.'

[mfh]

Anne, thank you so very much and for the email version also. I am doing ok actually. So far this anniversary has been focused on memories and all we had and the joy we shared. I get weepy but doing ok. Had a lovely breakfast here with my friend...with our usual practice of not letting 5 months go before we get together again and maybe in July..but I doubt it on my end and that is fine. She has 4 kids...2 are her husband's and 2 are theirs and every developmental stage under one roof with all that goes with that....and a job she loves in charge of creativity in the WI network of schools, etc. It was nice to just have a quiet visit. I do more of that than over lunches. Easier all the way around.

I will head into Madtown tomorrow to have lunch there as I need to be out of the house but will probably go to the cemetery if it ever quits raining. We had mega storms this morning. Even Bentley hid behind my chair which is unusual and we lost power but just long enough so that i have to reset all the clocks

I know you still have Otto's family here in town (not at your house) and assume you will do something with them this morning. I decided that the headaches I have been getting for 10 days are related to going off my BP med (which my doc said i could do). I usually never get headaches. When I looked at my picture on Facebook (birthday lunch at the GS) and saw how bloated I am...I went back on them last night and this morning and will do that until Monday. I won't use it Tues or Wed as I want to be off it when I see the MD on Thursday for my pre-op physical. But I do not feel or look as bloated today and think my sudden weight explosion is more related to the med (absence there of) than my eating. We shall see.

Thanks again, Mary

[feralfae]

Dear Anne,

Thank you very much for the beautiful Sanskrit poem.

Look to this day. How difficult it is for me to remember that not all the days will be days of joy. Some days, even as we look at them very closely, are still days of sorrow and loss. I think it is all a part of being here having this human experience. I wish I could look at each day fearlessly and with joy, but some days, I am still struggling with gratitude and grief, mostly the latter.

I have had some wonderful days up here, and dear friends have done a great job of distracting me from my sorrow. Because Doug's true family of spirit are mostly here in Alaska, and I am out of deep grief enough to converse rationally without long bouts of flooding, I am at least finding comfort here among these dear people. But some days, I just feel so very alone.

The poem is a good one to remind me of this gift of life, and all the opportunities before me. One of Doug's last prayers was giving thanks for his life. Here, I am surrounded by friends, family, and memories of his most remarkable life. I only hope my life will be half as meaningful and full -- and I think it is already, but this time out for grieving is keeping me from my usual game. I am recovering.

Tomorrow remains a vision of hope, though, as I watch myself able to more fully embrace the days and move back into life, step by step. I know there is more ahead of me, but my vision is blurred by tears right now.

Peace and Love,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Wifflesnook]

Lovely poem Anne. I'm really struggling with finding the good in the moment. But I know I have to if I'm to live in any meaningful way. But so hard without the person who gives meaning to me. Nevertheless I too feel a presence alongside me, as I know so many of you do. They would never leave us tot struggle alone, having loved and cherished us so much.

[enna]

My mind is a muddled mess. It will take some time to accept the reality of this illness that I now face. I am not easy on myself. I show anger at myself for not accepting my illness. I am disappointed that I cannot let go of frustrations that doctors cannot stabilize my heart failure. They say it can be ‘managed’ – that’s what they say. Let’s up this medicine. Let’s take you off this medicine. Let’s try this. Let’s try that. Call if one or more of these five things happen. Call 911 if heart rate stays over 150. We have pacemakers or other devices that we can put into your body. We can do this. We can even put you on a heart transplant list – well, maybe – how old did you say you were? Do this. Do that. Run here. Run there. See you in ten day. Ten days? I feel like I’m living with you guys!

Oh, I have decisions to make and I don’t want to make them. It would be so much easier if you were here my Jim. We talked about quality of life. We talked about what we would do. I need you here now. But the reality of it all is you are not and I have to find a way to do this without you. And this is the hardest part of accepting my illness – you are not here.

Others are going through so much more than I am. I am ashamed of myself for being such a baby. I am disappointed that I cannot take this heart failure and turn it into a positive. I see no positives about having to start asking questions about how do I prepare for my own death. People don’t want to talk about these hard things with you. They want to leave it up to the ‘medical’ field. Easier for most of them – that way they don’t have to sit with you and help you sort out the ‘tough’ stuff. In my opinion, the medical field has been so messed up for decades that today I would not place my life in their hands when it comes to end-of-life decisions. They usually run away anyway and hope that the family will just accept what happens. I find myself questioning everything! Perhaps most doctors KNOW how to dx and if not they send you for test after test, but they sure don’t know about healing as they did years ago! Today, I’d trust a nurse any day when it comes to compassion and caring and gentleness with family members of a dying person.

Now, Tara Brach has some guided meditations on FEAR. I better get to those in her book Radical Acceptance.

[kayc]

Thinking of you, Mary, and hoping your day is going well with your friend.

Oh Anne, I wish I could put my arms around you! You are indeed facing so much. Remember that Jim IS with you and I believe he will give you answers deep within yourself.

[mfh]

Anne, I am relieved to see you sharing all this here. I hope you know that I am here for you no matter what day it is...to bounce things around, to vent, to listen, reflect back,to figure out the next step. (I happen to agree with you about the health care system....my own doctor let us down where Bill was concerned to say nothing of the hospital) I also wonder if there is a nurse there that you trust who can sit with you in person and assist with the decisions or perhaps Julie.... knowing the medical world up close and personal... that you and I have talked so much about and that you need to make especially after this next second opinion meeting or series of meetings this week. Please know I am here for you.

I do not think we can compare journeys. Everyone here is on their own journey through pain and yours is no less than anyone else's...YOU matter and YOUR journey matters as much as anyone's. I am just so sorry this health issue is not only serious but complicated leaving you in a dither as to what to do next... If I can help, please call.

Love

Mary

[mfh]

Thinking of you, Mary, and hoping your day is going well with your friend.

Oh Anne, I wish I could put my arms around you! You are indeed facing so much. Remember that Jim IS with you and I believe he will give you answers deep within yourself.

Thanks, Kay. My plans fell apart for the day and I have had to make the best of the day...did a fair job but not without tears for sure. Mary

[MartyT]

Anne, my dear, I'm so sorry that you're feeling so alone in all of this health stuff ~ my heart just aches for you, and I cannot imagine how difficult this must be. Please don't beat yourself up for feeling frightened and confused ~ or for whatever you may be feeling. Every single one of us would feel that way, too, if we were facing what you're dealing with. Did you ever pursue the idea of consulting with a specialist in palliative care? Their approach to living with chronic health challenges is so different from the rest of our crazy, disjointed healthcare "system." I'm sure Hospice of the Valley could help you connect with someone in palliative care, if you are interested.

In any event, we are all with you in this journey as you face whatever lies ahead, and I hope you know how very much you are loved . . . ♥

[pumkin]

Dear Anne,

I just read how upset you are in dealing with the medical field and the second opinion that has put you in a muddled mess. Please know you're in my prayers, while Jim, (in spirit) by your side, will guide you to the right decisions for you. It's not easy at all, and no way are you being a baby about all this. I truly hope Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach will be of help to what you are going through. Lots of hugs and prayers for you.

[enna]

Thank you, Pumkin for your concerns. I have not seen the cardiologist for my second consult yet. That comes on Tuesday. My frustration comes from the first cardiac team I've been dealing with since December. I know in my heart that Jim is with me - just not in the way I need him to be. I really like Tara Brach. I am comfortable with her guided meditations and her books. I so appreciate your hugs and the prayers.

Kay, my dear friend, I feel your hugs and your genuine concern. You have been in my daily prayers for all your intentions. You are such a strong person. I hope to learn from those of you who are far more brave than I am.

Oh Mary, this grief journey would be so much harder if I did not have you watching over me. Yes, I am frustrated and scared about all this bother with my heart. It is so hard for me to juggle grieving my Jim and grieving my health right now. I know that there are so many who are going through much more than I. You mentioned whether or not I have talked with Julie, my grief counselor. Yes, she is aware of my health situation. She is not a nurse but she knows I have been inquiring about palliative care. She also extended my grief counseling since my health issue came up because she thought that it might interfere with my grieving of Jim. She is wise and so caring.

Marty, I am so critical when it comes to anything about myself. I will spend the rest of my life learning how to be humble! I don't expect perfection from anyone else and I know I shouldn't expect it from me. After my consult with the cardiac doctor I'll be seeing on Tuesday I do plan on e-mailing Julie (I don't see her again until July 7th - our last official meeting - it's like graduation! We're planning on going to lunch if I will be able to) and asking her for the number I need to call to have someone come out to discuss palliative care that HOV offers. We did touch on it briefly when Jim was being evaluated but he went right into hospice care.

It scares me to have to go 'there' but I know it is wise that I do. I need good advice for what I want to happen with my care.

I do know you are all with me and that is a comfort. Yes, I do feel the love from those on this forum. I have always been aware of the genuine concern everyone has for one another.