I Need Your Help

[feralfae]

I really admire ones on here who are making the best of what they have, post encouragement, and try to help ones like myself who are so early on and so deep in grief and despair. I dreamed once, years ago, that Robert had died, and I was standing on the edge of a cliff looking out at my future, and there was nothing, it was just black. It must have been a prophetic dream because that's just how it is. Heidi.

Yes, Heidi, that is exactly how it is early on.

I can see any of us standing on that high ledge, with a yawning abyss below, so dark that there was no bottom. In front of us is unending darkness. Our hand is lost in the dark if we hold it away from our face. And we cannot even feel ourselves, to know if we are hungry, thirsty, tired, sleepy, hot or cold. The huge effort each day is brushing our teeth. If we must go out, we brush our hair and toss on street-acceptable clothing.

All I could see was the steep, steep walls of a narrow canyon, and I've been in a few in my day, so I recognize some tough climbs. And there were constant avalanches. My pack weighed a lot more than I did. I had no food, shelter, nor extra clothing. I had a lot of heavy gear -- ropes, biners, chocks, axes, stuff like that. I could not see any other exit. Except death. It was so dark and foggy that I could not see very far, but it all looked worse.

Our numbness extends to our emotions, not just our physical senses. We are not happy. We are not sad. We are not. We do not exist as a human experiencing existence. We are no longer a participating life form. We are a dark pillar of basalt, standing on the edge of a chasm of darkness with no apparent ending. The only lines that hold us are a few tenuous strands of the light of Love, coming from those who love us. And so we teeter there, on the brink of the chasm of darkness and not-being, and then . . .

*<twinkles>*

oftimes, a miracle happens, and one of those tendrils of love, even if we have frayed them in our anger, fear, and disorientation, is tugged on just a tiny a bit, a very gentle tug, to remind us that we are on belay, and the Angels are not going to let us fall. I have a whole chapter how Doug and G*d pulled that one off. Remarkably remarkable.

And I had not yet found this place, with its resident and transient *<Angels>* .

So, Heidi, consider one of your frayed and thin little golden tendrils to have been tugged. Yes, you are standing out there, and it is all darkness and you are feeling lost. But things get better. You will feel better sometime. This is not a permanent condition of the heart nor of the spirit. It is going to take as long as it takes to find new balance, but you will.

<tug>

and

*<twinkles>*

fae, who is sitting here listening to the thunder rolling across the Divide, and who is about to turn this machine off.

[kayc]

I don't get why they left out #7.

fae, you should write a book.

[mfh]

I would guess it is just a typo. Great article.

[feralfae]

um, the readers are supposed to suggest a #7 for the list and leave a suggestion in the comments for the article. It is the author's idea, and I like it. Makes us think about the things that play us false when we are in the fog of grief. What has been something that grief has caused you to think, believe, consider, do, or not do, that fits in with the rest of the article?

fae

[mfh]

fae, I missed that and I agree...it is a great idea.

[kayc]

fae, I got that, I just didn't know what to write.

[feralfae]

Kay, I don't know either, but it did heighten my awareness of what are grief messages that might be "false flags" being tossed into my thinking and emotions. Good to be aware of the pitfalls of these false messages, for sure.

It is going up to 70F here today, and so we will paint until it gets too hot in the sun, then work on other things.

I hope your trip today goes well.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[boogieman]

Maybe #7 was intentionally left out, never written, just to cause us to fill-in-the-blank so to speak

as each of us has a similar yet unique perspective.

Clever ploy if so because we are all now pondering just that are we not.

[feralfae]

LOL I guess you don't read my posts here on your thread, eh, Chris?

fae

[kayc]

I'm sure that's true. So many of the things people said to me when I lost George, particularly in the first year or so, were inappropriate. I had to learn to not accept them/let them go, but sometimes I felt it called for me setting the record straight, particularly when people were persistent and wrong.

[feralfae]

I know Kay, I still occasionally have people say things that are so off base. Usually because they come from a different belief system that is quite alien to my own, and to Doug's.

But more, I found my own personal thinking to be very muddled, especially by guilt feelings and "what if" thoughts that could not change a thing. I was so caught up in trying to carry on with everything as though Doug were still here that I trapped myself in a frenzy of doing, really stuffing the grief for several months just to survive and get through the days, while the feelings of guilt and inadequacy built up in me. I think those, especially, are the sort of false ideas and statements that the author was trying to point to as the false pitfalls of grief.

It is a very good article, and certainly thought-provoking.

Is your trip today?

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Queeniemary]

Thank you for sharing the article Marty, very thought provoking, as was said. And right on the money.....will be interested in #7...article seemed to cover everything!

QMary

[feralfae]

I guess we will need to read the comments and see what others suggest, or add suggestions of our own for #7.

fae

[boogieman]

I can't take any more of these sleepless nights. I am up until 3:30 to 4:30 every night (or morning). Sleep for a few hours then awake again.

I have to see the Dr., ASAP, hopefully tomorrow.

What is the absolute strongest sleep meds available.

I will insist on getting the strongest when I know what to demand.

[mfh]

Chris, here is what Mayo clinics have to say about sleeping meds. You really have to be careful about these. Some are so powerful people have been known to sleep walk, even drive in their sleep. Some are dangerous, others highly addictive also. I certainly understand your need for sleep. I also hope you have tried other things. I sleep with an iPod in one ear. I set it to go off after 60 minutes and usually listen to something I am interested in but not engrossed in so that I do not get too involved in it. I also meditate in the evening and morning to relax, drink Evening in Missoula tea to relax and do not have a TV in the bedroom.

This chart et al by Mayo is a good overview that shows you the risks and side effects of sleep meds. Ambien is one of the worst. I would steer away from that one for sure.

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/insomnia/in-depth/sleeping-pills/art-20043959

[heidi1]

Chris,

Robert used to have Temazepm 10mgs, two of those worked well for him,( he only took them occasionally so he built up a war chest of them) I also took his Temazepam every night for over a year when he had a serious illness 3 years ago, the doctor was reluctant to give me any of my own, sometimes I would need two to make me sleep, but they worked well for me and Robert, we had no side effects, and I found it easy to come off them when I felt ready. They do belong to the same group of drugs as Valium (benzodiazepines) and are said to be addictive, but I can only speak from our experience. All drugs have potential to do harm, and people react differently, but I can certainly understand your need for sleep, when Robert was so ill almost 3 years ago my only respite was in the oblivion that the sleeping tablets gave me, I couldn't have carried on without them, they were a lifeline to me. When I used to work nights at the hospital I sometimes had Nitrazepam (again, same group of drugs) to help me get enough sleep in the day, but I would feel a hangover effect from them, for me Temazepam is better, I still have some of Roberts' left, and don't hesitate to take one if I have a difficult day ahead (funeral, taking camper). Doctors are cagey about giving sleeping tablets, I hope you get what you need Chris. Heidi.

[heidi1]

Chris,

It's just occurred to me that he might think antidepressants would be a better answer. Heidi.

[Queeniemary]

Chris, for a while I took a generic of ambien, but found that to mess with my mind. My doctor has prescribed me Trazadone, a very low dose. It is not a sleep aide, per se, but is an antidepressant. I am prescribed the 50MG, which is a very low dose. My doctor tells me it is not habit forming. I only take it once in a while. I usually take it about 30 minutes before going to bed, and it does help me to sleep all night, or at least about 6 hours or so. I will never take zolpidem (generic of ambien) again, it made me crazy, and believe me, I am crazy enough without any help. Believe me, Mary is right, that is the worst! Talk to your doctor. You do not want anything that is going to alter your mind, just help you get some sleep.

QMary

[kayc]

My doctor prescribed Trazodone 50 mg, He said he took it and it's safe. Mary mentioned something against it a while back so I looked it up on line and it can be prescribed as an antidepressant as well...50 mg was the lightest dosage, some take 200 mg. I think the problems run when you take a high dosage rather than a low dosage, I had no problems with it. It didn't seem addictive to me, but I didn't take it on a regular basis. I chose to take it (I was commuting a long ways at the time and really needed my sleep) when I'd had previous sleepless nights and it built up and I REALLY needed some sleep in order to function...then I'd plan on taking it that night, take it about 1/2 hour before going to bed, and allowing myself enough time to sleep it off before having to get up and go to work. We never really know when we're going to have a sleepless night so I don't know when to plan on taking it, but I tend to more if I've had a succession of sleepless nights.

Valium can be a great sleep aid but I highly caution you against it! It is extremely addictive! If you're on it for a year, it takes 3 1/2 years to break the addiction. NOT good! It also leaves you very drowsy.

[boogieman]

Thank you ladies. Have an appointment at 1:30 today.

Last night still awake at 2:45 to 3:00 am and fully awake before 6:30 am.

[kayc]

I'm so sorry, Chris! I know how bothersome lack of sleep is, it keeps you from functioning optimally all day plus not fun to go through!

[boogieman]

Well, this should come as no surprise. Certainly didn't to me.

For my insomnia, I am told, not prescribed, to take a teaspoon of Benadryl OTC

nightly for 90 days. If that doesn't work they will see about something a little stronger.

I could have gotten the same suggestion from any number of Pharmacists and not had to have

made an appointment and drive to their office.

You see why I don't go to the doctor for anything?

Government health care at its finest.

I am so dismayed by this I forgot to mention the complete blood panel work-up,

a colonoscopy, a cholesterol screening, an age 65+ pneumonia inoculation,

and a possible very mild anti-depressant.

I was directed to their lab to have all these scheduled and performed.

I do not question the validity of these but to set-it-all up before checking with me is offensive and dismissive.

Their facility stands to make a profit by these tests at the expense of my insurance while at the same time

dismissing the reason for my visit.

[boogieman]

Just now got word and pictures of our 4th great-grandchild, a boy. Two of each now.

Mother, proud daddy, (our grand son the Army Ranger), and baby all healthy and well.

Will get to see them all once before they are assigned to and report for duty in Anchorage, Alaska the end of August.

[heidi1]

Congratulations Chris.

[kayc]

Chris,

I'm sorry about your doctor visit, I understand your feelings.

Congratulations on your great grandchild!!!