I Need Your Help

[mfh]

Congratulations on the new baby. I am so glad you will see the family before their trek to Alaska.

[Queeniemary]

Chris, Benadryl is a pretty good sleep aide, I have a friend that takes one nightly. It seems to me the doctor is trying to make sure you are in good health by the blood workup and the screening. Did they prescribe the mild anti-depressant? I understand that you wish to have been consulted first, but perhaps when you set up appointment, they misunderstood and thought you were coming in for a physical, not just for one specific reason. Medicare will pay for most of it, and if you have a supplement, it should pick up the rest. You are on Medicare, right? I don't really feel they dismissed the reason for your visit. Benadryl is a logical first step to try first before going to a prescription drug.

Good news about the new great-grandson. Hope you get to see him before too long.

QMary

[boogieman]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

It states very plainly on my paperwork the reason for my visit was "not sleeping".

I want and need more than an OTC solution. That is why I went.

Medicare might pick-up the majority of the testing costs but I have no other coverage.

Additional monies spent on me by me for me is a rabbit hole I do not want to enter.

I fail to understand why the medical profession sometimes fails to address patients needs.

I ran across this several times in the years I cared for My Paula and I let them know it.

Please do as I ask and need, not what you want to do instead.

The prospects of 90 more days without enough sleep or rest I can do without the doctor.

Has been a very emotional and eventful 24 hours.

Besides the new great grand son, I got a call last night after 13 months from our youngest son.

Needless to say I was and still am pleased, humbled, stunned, and reeling, from his contact.

Apologies and fence mending all around.

They even went so far as to invite me there for a visit.

Humbling, very humbling.

I love him so very much.

I met a man on-line still grieving deeply after 6 weeks, the loss of his wife of 21 years.

I am trying to help him to the best of my abilities. Takes a lot out of me to do so

but he needs the help.

I have invited him to join us here if that is acceptable.

Life for me has taken a decidedly sharp turn. I was not prepared for this flood of emotions

in my weakened diminished state. I am trying to assimilate it all and take it all in.

This is a lot to deal with in such a short time frame.

Highs and lows, extremes of emotions.

Just like in real life.

[MartyT]

Chris, my dear, it's so good to learn that you connected with your youngest son ~ Obviously this has given you a well deserved lift, and I am so grateful for that.

It's also good to know that you are reaching out to another bereaved spouse who is in the freshest throes of grief. That in itself is hard evidence that you are moving forward on your own grief journey. You know from the inside out what grief looks like and what it feels like. In that sense, you have become an expert in grief. You have the benefit of your own hard-won experience, and to be ready, willing and able to reach out to another person in pain means that you are willing and able to set aside your own pain (at least for a little while) in order to focus on another's pain. It is perhaps the greatest gift you can give to another human being. I am proud of you. ♥

[boogieman]

Thank you for the undeserved accolades, Marty.

Far from being so magnanimous, I see our conversations as therapeutic for me, too.

I don't set my pain aside, I sift through the ashes looking for my own answers.

[enna]

We set our own pain aside for those moments when we think of another's grief. I do believe what Marty said, Chris, about reaching out to another is healing. After all, who but those of us who grieve can understand another person in their grief. I believe that what we do for another we do for ourselves. You are going along as the rest of us are on this journey and doing it in YOUR own way. I see healing in you as I see it in those who are here in this forum. Anne

[MartyT]

Thank you, Anne ~ your graphic is perfect.

Setting aside our own pain does not mean that it isn't there any more. It simply means that in those selfless moments when we are attending to another person's pain and being fully present to that person, we are taking the focus off ourselves and placing it upon another. We're also recognizing that we are not alone in our own pain.

And of course such conversations are therapeutic for us as well as for the person we're helping. I think we all recognize that the more we are ready, willing and able to support others in their grief, the more we learn how better to manage our own grief reactions. That is one of the many benefits of participating in these online forums.

[boogieman]

Good morning. Despite the highs of the last several days I am feeling very low and drained today.

It was good for me to finally re-establish contact with our son.

I am happy for our grandson and the newest great grandson.

I hope to be helping this other survivor learn to cope with his loss.

I did exactly what I told myself to not allow to happen. Out of joy and happiness I have over-extended myself

both emotionally and physically. I did manage almost 6 hours of sleep and much needed rest last night.

I mowed and edged the yard just before dark and am paying for it now. Back sore, legs hurting and sore, hands swollen

to the point where my rings are very tight on my fingers and hurting. Headache.

Emotionally drained from the excitement of it all. It is easy to become drained when there isn't much in the way of reserves to begin with.

Don't fault me but I feel that fleeting time spent on the worldly aspects takes me away from my devotion to and time shared with

My Paula and that bothers me greatly. I know it isn't logical, but so little of this existence is logical anyway.

To paraphrase the Bible, I am in this world but not part of this world now.

I am slowly becoming more withdrawn and reclusive daily.

I still want and need more than anything else to be with My Love.

Everything else is fleeting and transcendental.

[kayc]

Chris,

I'm so glad to hear of your renewed contact with your son! That IS great news!

And your reaching out to a friend who is suffering just as you have suffered. That is the one thing we can do.

Speaking of rings, I spoke with a jeweler yesterday about my wedding band being too tight (it is platinum and yellow gold and I'd been told previously it couldn't be resized without a seam) and they said they may be able to do something so I will bring it with me next trip to town.

Sometimes when we are exhausted, it can set us back emotionally for a while. I am thoroughly exhausted and beyond from my long trip yesterday. My feet and left leg hurt, Neuropathy and tendons, my allergies are fully kicked in and I can't breathe and as I was drifting off to sleep last night the cat started cleaning herself, loudly, and once that happened, I could not get back to sleep. I took a sleeping pill and although it made me drowsy, I couldn't get to sleep. Today I had to call off church so I can stay home and soak my feet and hopefully nap.

[boogieman]

So sorry to hear of your ailments. Seems we all have something one way or another.

Good news about rings too. I wear My Paula's pendant on a chain she got me 34 years ago.

Keeps her close to my heart.

I don't know what to do about sleeping pills. Dr. wont accommodate me.

Hope you get to feeling better soon.

[kayc]

Have you tried Benedryl yet? It does make one very sleepy! I am immune to it because I took it for allergies for years a long time ago.

[boogieman]

I think I will just take my chances sans anything. I suppose it can't get much worse.

Last night I finally decided to treat myself to a good meal. Thawed a nice T-bone, seasoned it just so, then on the grill.

Third bite I cracked a bicuspid in two from front to rear along the center-line from cap to the root.

This morning the gum in that area is swollen and very tender.

There's another $1500 I don't have. I have to be fully sedated or I won't have it done.

On a more positive note, I was able to talk to our youngest son again last night.

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry to learn about your dental problem, Chris

[kayc]

Chris, I am so sorry. Is there a dentist in the area that will take payments? A low cost clinic? We have one in a nearby city called Advantage, I'm not sure if it's nationwide or not.

[boogieman]

My friend Nick has suggested I see his dentist who works with him on payments.

Nick is retired, on SS, and no insurance too.

I am trying to coordinate this expense with school starting next week and my need to travel to Mass. to

see our son.

Clinics don't usually do full anesthetics' which I have to have or I wont go.

Ironically, our daughter managed a chain of dental clinics until this past October when she went full-time

into realty. Good move for her as the economy here is booming, but not so good for me.

They are very upscale and I cant afford to go there without her employment courtesies

She was telling me earlier that she has 12 houses in closing now, another 15 under contract pending closure,

and 15 others looking to buy as a house becomes available. The house across the street from me sold for the asking price in

under 2 hours just last week.

[feralfae]

I think I will just take my chances sans anything. I suppose it can't get much worse.

Perhaps, but using the Benadryl might make it a lot better.

I do not comprehend your resistance to this helpful and inexpensive suggestion which might bring you some healthful sleep. Why not give it a try for a month?

fae

[boogieman]

I guess I'm just stubborn and hard-headed.

I resent this doctor's dismissal of my needs in deference to her medical insurance premiums.

Either treat the patients' needs or find another line of work.

Don't get me started on the battery of tests scheduled without my consultation.

[feralfae]

Yes,Chris, I hear you, but again, why not try the Benadryl? Not trying it is hurting no one but you. I don't want to get you started on anything, I am just wondering why you don't try the Benadryl.

fae

[kayc]

Chris, I don't think the doctor dismissed your medical needs, she prescribed Benadryl, which is very cheap and does indeed make one very sleepy. I wish I could take it, but I took it for so long that I became immune to it.

As for the battery of tests, you have the right to refuse them, you just need to sign a waiver. Doctors are supposed to have certain tests done ever so often, if we choose not to comply, we are asked to sign a waiver so the doctor isn't held accountable for "not recommending it"...I know because my sister is an avid waiver signer, never cooperates with anything they tell her...as a result, she will die younger than she should.

Why not talk to your daughter about your dental situation? Although she no longer works there, she undoubtedly built relationships there and could have some pull.

[boogieman]

No particular reason to not. I wanted a legitimate sleep scrip with better chances it would work.

Not so much into hopefuls. I don't like taking anything anyway except aspirin for my aches and pains.

The Benadryl wasn't prescribed. It was suggested.

Never heard of or seen a waiver for tests. News to me. I wasn't offered one. I just told them no and left.

I really don't want to know what's going on inside anyway, for obvious reasons.

Hadn't thought about that conversation with our daughter.

She came by briefly last evening and in the course of talking about the situation she didn't mention it.

Appreciate the heads-up. I'll ask her if I can pin her down. Very busy making sales. I am very proud of her

work ethic. Although her fiancé did text her to arrange a dinner date with her someday soon.

Her work day is from 7am till 9pm every day.

I do wish I could make her see that time spent away from loved ones is time lost, though.

We all learn that the hardest way possible.

[feralfae]

Benadryl is considered a very legitimate sleep aid. The fact that it is non-prescription does not reduce its benefits, nor make it less effective for those who need and use it.

Benadryl has decades of research to support its efficacy as a sleep inducer and enhancer. It functions largely by reducing anxiety and inducing relaxation. It is used in a variety of situations. You could find more about it by looking it up on the internet. It's your health and life, and sleep or lack thereof. I strongly encourage you to set aside your anger and give it a try.

fae

[boogieman]

Thank you Fae.

I am not angry. I am hurting. I just would like something concerning my inner life to bet better, to have the smallest thing

turn out like I would like it to. Going on 14 months since My Love passed and I am still not able to function to any level I

can consider acceptable. No matter what I do, or where I may turn, or that which comes my way, in no way diminishes the burden

and loneliness of missing My Love in the extreme.

I have no one to talk to because I don't really have anything else to say. I have said it all before more times than I can recount

but nothing changes. I have poured this out in 1800 pages of journals with no relief.

I had hoped our youngest son might come here to live in this great big house to keep me from being so lonely but he already said no

before I could propose that to him.

In part he reminds me so much of his mother I had hoped that if he were here I could somehow, someday get to a point of at least

being begrudgingly accepting of My Loves loss and absence. I see now that that isn't going to happen.

I miss her so much. I still wander around the house and yard hoping to catch a glimpse of her. Repeated wanderings have been

nothing more than my efforts to ease my troubled soul. These don't help as I grow weary and delusioned from the constant searching to

only find myself completely alone again. That breaks my heart even further as the realization hits me again. Yet I continue to search.

A valid definition of "crazy" is to repeat a known action expecting a different results. My results are always the same.

My Love is not here and I am completely alone.

In effect the sleep aids I want are a plaint in the maelstrom for help. Help I can't find.

A guaranteed escape for even a few hours from the sadness, sorrow, and loneliness I live with daily, hourly.

I need, want, to be sedated not induced. Yes, that's it, a complete escape from this haunting reality.

A fleeting moment of complete serenity away from this continuous torment.

[kayc]

When George was going through anger management classes, I went through it with him to encourage him. They taught that hurt IS a form of anger. It is, in a way, balking at what has taken place.

I do understand your disappointment at your son's not wanting to come live with you. My son has been going to school for over five years, so I haven't seen much of him. I feel like I'm intruding on his time as he needs it to study and do projects, and it's only gotten rarer since he met his wife. I was hoping that once he graduates, he'd have time to see me once in a great while, but I can see now that is not the case. I talked to him about getting a roof on his current place before selling it, my BIL does that for a business and I know he'd love to help him and supply materials at his cost, but my son said his summer is all spoken for. They are trying to get pregnant and once the kids start coming, I'm afraid he'll never have time for me, it's rare enough as it is now. As busy as I was when my kids were babies and I was a caretaker, and NWMS President, among many other things, I was never too busy for parents/family. I guess times have truly changed. I hear your heart as you wish your daughter could understand that time for loved ones is NOW, and cannot be redone later.

I want to add, Chris, that I have had more dental work than anyone I know, and it's not that bad. I've had countless root canals, pulled teeth, crowns, oral surgeries, and I think I could endure any of it without being knocked out. I know I am a stoic patient as my dentist commented many times I was his best patient, but it's not just my being stoic...a lot of it was faith in him and in his work, I knew I could trust him, so I laid back and relaxed and waited for him to do what he needed to do. I found that I looked forward to the visits to the dentist (excepting the bill) because I felt like I was visiting family and I knew I'd have an hour or so of relaxation. A lot of it is in how you view it. I have known people who would not get badly needed work done because of their fear, in spite of great dental coverage and the pain they were already in, and I'd often refer my dentist...some took me up on it, some didn't and still suffer with rotting broken teeth, not wanting to smile because of it. To me, that is a needless shame!

[boogieman]

Full blown phobia for me. No way am I going to be conscious during a procedure. I have had needles broken-off in my flesh

from tensing up so greatly. No anesthetic, no dice.

[feralfae]

Chris,

Have you ever thought about keeping a gratitude journal? In the midst of my anger, bitterness, despair, and fear after Doug left, I started keeping a gratitude journal each evening, sometimes only having one thing I could see well enough to list. But it forced me to shift my energy every day for at least a few minutes from all the heavy, dark emotional baggage to a bit of gratitude and to look at life through a different lens. Sometimes all I could be grateful for was that my car started, or that I had enough firewood to heat the house, or that the water pump was bringing water in so I could take a shower. Sometimes I was grateful for toast for breakfast.

But I think a lot of my healing began when I was able to pull myself up to the rim of the chasm of my misery and look around, and find one thing that was a gift to me that day. Otherwise, I had no reason to pull myself up to the rim. It was a tough discipline for me, because I was very hurt, in incredibly debilitating physical pain, and had been robbed repeatedly as well at both of our homes. And Doug had left his cancer-riddled body. I was alone, hurting, and in darkest grief. I had to make some choices about my life, and I was the only one who could do that.

I know you are pretty closed down to suggestions about helping yourself, but the only way you are going to begin to heal and feel a little better is to begin to help yourself. I wish I knew better words to say to you to help you. I hope you find a way to begin to reach out and take charge of your own life and your own emotional energy.

It is all in your hands, and you have choices you can make.

Good Luck and Blessings,

fae