I Need Your Help

[mfh]

Heidi, I just read Marty's message to you and I have to totally agree with all she said. I just came across this piece and came here to post it for you. It is written by Megan Devine whose husband drown while she watched helplessly. She is a grief counselor and has a blog and writes for the Huffington Post also. She was 38 when Matt died. I think you might like this article she originally posted last December. It has some very good thoughts.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/megan-devine/grief_b_4509905.html

We are here with and for you, Mary

[mfh]

Chris, I hear your pain and I know how that kind of pain feels. Thinking of you as you walk through this. We are here for you.

Mary

[kayc]

Chris the way you feel is not any different than the rest of us have felt. I disagree with one thing: "the effort increases the distance between me and My Love." I am me whether George is physically present or not, and he is as much a part of me now as he was before he died. Making effort to cope or adjust does not take me further from him...that is the fear before you know, but the truth is, it only helps me heal so that I can more fully incorporate him into my present life in a healthy and positive way. I draw from him as I walk this life. I regard and remember him. Just yesterday I was telling my mom about him, showing her our wedding picture. She said, "So you have memories?" I said yes that I do. She said "I don't have memories". That was so sad to me. I reminded her that her and daddy had a great love and she'll be with him again. Dementia is the only thing that can rob our conscious memories, but even that cannot erase the love that exists and once again the memories will be fully restored and all that we built upon will continue to be intact. Neither can death rob us of all that we have built. There is no need to strain to stay connected to our Beloved because it happens all the same. Continue to live your life to the fullest and you will see that it is so. Do not fear that enjoyment or smiling can rob you of anything! It cannot!

[heidi1]

Chris,

I hear your words, and can echo your sentiments, when I wrote of the mother of my daughters' friend dying last Saturday, a couple of months after her husband had died, I thought how fortunate she was not to have to carry on without him. That's what I want too. Another friend of ours who died suddenly a month ago had said to his wife of over 50 years that if she died he would be five minutes behind her, in the event it was he who died, but I want to be right behind Robert too. I don't think I can add much to what you say, you put it so eloquently, just to say again that your words and sentiments find an echo in my heart, I have no desire at all to continue a life without Robert, a life without meaning. Heidi.

[feralfae]

Dear Chris and Heidi,

I read your words, both of you saying how much you wish to go be with your Beloved, and I truly do understand.

And yet, you have come to this place, joined us around this fire, where we are very dedicated to making this grief journey, and making it in Faith that there is something at the end of this shadowed part of our Path. There is Faith here, around this fire, that we will be brought into a new time in our lives, when we have learned to abide in the wonderful love we have shared, to once again allow that love to flow in and through us, and out to the world and everyone and everything in it.

We gather here in Faith that Life is a wonderful gift, and that the Love we have shared and continue to share is the most beautiful blessing we could have been given while we are here. And in the Faith that the love continues, and we can be healed by that love even as we were broken by that love. I believe that with all my broken heart. Love is the most powerful force in creation, after all.

I feel Doug with me every day. I could not make it through even an hour if I did not open my heart to the love that he still shares with me, if I did not open to and acknowledge the love that flows between us even today. But to feel that love, I had to look at the broken places, be willing to have the patience and Faith that there was still a reason for my existence, and to have the courage to take the tiny steps that I was able to make, believing in a future, and in a life, and in my own destiny and Path.

I had to begin to let a little love seep in through the broken places, knowing that the healing needed to begin much deeper, down to where the broken places had their roots. And I think that can only happen when we allow, ask for, and pray for healing to begin. It is not easy nor comfortable. It is painful to feel the broken places, and for a while, it is not easy to tell if the healing is happening at all. But there is healing just as soon as we open to healing. The broken places must heal from the depths of our grief and despair, from the very center of who we are, and that is usually not an apparent healing at first. But it is happening anyway. I do not think G*d created a capricious existence, and I believe we are here to bring our awareness into our view of life, and live in harmony with this existence. Death is a part of this existence. So is eternity. And Love is what guides our course.

Please choose to let the love begin to heal you. It is truly your choice.

We each have the right to walk through this pain and darkness in our own way. Everyone here has walked that path, and most of us are still walking it while carrying some pain and grief. My own tears are flowing as I type this. I know you are both doing that very painful and difficult journey. But when you can, open yourself to the possibility that all the love is still there, waiting for you to be ready to open yourself again, to open your broken heart enough to let some of that love in to your being, and to let yourself feel the joy and wonder of that love, even as the pain makes opening to joy and wonder seem a fool's errand some of the time.

I know Doug has not left me, and I know our love is just as strong as ever. I know that he is with me today, even as I am writing these words. I can feel his presence here with me. I can feel his love all around me. My heart is only still beating because of his love, because he sent his spirit sister to hold me here on Earth. It was an amazingly well-orchestrated rescue. And then I found this wonderful place of solace, compassion, comfort, and lovingkindness. But, I felt as you do now. I was ready to escape the pain in the only way I could think was available to me. It would have been so very easy. And later, there have been other times when, if Doug had not been with me, it would have been easy to let go. During surgeries would have been good times to go. We are all given choices. Coming to this wonderful place of love and solace has helped me to heal in truly miraculous ways.

Please consider that each of you may have been sent here to this forum by your Beloved so that, perhaps, you would begin to consider that there is meaning to life, and there are other choices and options to choose on how to make each day. We have choices, and while it takes a lot of courage to face into the present and find some good and some solace here now, it is a choice that we come to as we begin to understand that this journey will not last forever, and that life will continue, and we will continue with it, and that it is our choice to make the days as healing and nurturing and beautiful as we can. or not.

Heidi, even if you cannot see the meaning right now through the dark shadows of grief, it does not mean that that there is no meaning. Even if you do not feel able to face tomorrow, you can face this hour, this day. I hope you are reading, I hope you are seeing your grief counselor, and I hope you are working with a grief support group.

All of this is my own understanding that I have gained from this journey so far. I know each of us has our own journey, with our own pain and longing, our own grief and broken places. But I hope something I have written will spark a bit of hope in your heart.

Blessings,

fae

[boogieman]

Once again, Thank you Ladies. I do appreciate your insights and encouragements,

and eloquent words..

Maybe there is an issue of time here that I can not yet discern. Most have been at this

task much longer than I. Perhaps your perspective has finally, somehow, changed from

"the present" into a longer view.

Right now, in my "present", I can't afford the luxury of even considering the long view.

Efforts to not focus on My Paula bring more pain as I come to realize that not focusing on My Love,

as I did for over 35 years, is time spent away from her, and yes, even her memory.

I cling desperately to what I have left out of a desire to remain as close as possible to My Love.

Time can not diminish that love but it certainly diminishes the quality of life for those of us

who exchanged and shared all aspects of love so completely and totally.

I know the world will go on with or without me. I matter not for much in any situation.

Forgive me if I can't, won't, or don't see from your perspective.

The immediacy of need, the all consuming desire to be united with My Love, is too powerful.

I have learned, up to a point, how to manage and adjust to this living hell, and will continue to do so.

That fact in no sense changes my personal need, my sense of urgency, to be together right now with My Paula.

She needs me. I need her.

My personal continuing pain is inconsequential. All that matters is being with her.

I consider the love we shared and the complete bliss, comfort, and serenity there-in continually.

Our love continues despite the abyss between us. I am not entirely sure the mental aspect of love is enough

to overcome the longing, hope, and desire to be in each others presence.

So the struggle continues.

There is a healing here but also a constant reminder of the totality of what has been taken.

I have yet to be able to balance the two diametrically opposed aspects and get to the place

where a satisfactory compromise , a balance, can be attained.

Maybe I never will. The jury is still out in that regard.

Outwardly I appear to be gaining ground in this area if for no other reason than to be able to function.

Inside I am still in turmoil and constant pain and agony, defeated internally from missing so greatly

the physical bonds we so eagerly and openly shared.

In my limited mind, no amount of ritualization, wanting, or remembering, can replace the deep seated

desire to be with My Love.

Your eloquent words contain and convey your truths quite well.

For some of us, the prospects of hope are yet outweighed by our grim reality.

The reality of a sad, lonely existence without the ones we love and hold so dear.

A long weekend and holiday is upon us. I hope everyone has a safe and pleasant time.

As most will be away from this forum, I hope to be able to manage until next week.

Chris

[enna]

My dear Chris and Heidi,

Choices have consequences and I have always believed that it is up to us to make the choices in our own lives and then live with the consequences.

I understand your “present” Chris and believe that only you can make that change to begin seeing the longer view.

Your grief is still so raw. No one can suggest to us how we react in dealing with raw grief. My heart goes out to both you and Heidi because I was there once. Many of us who are further along in our journeys have been where you are now and nothing anyone said made a difference. What does make the difference is that we make a choice. We choose to stay in the “present” or we move to a place where we begin our healing. Healing does not come if the mind and heart are closed.

Our lives are different. There is nothing I’d like more than to be with my Jim or rather to have him still here with me. He is not. My choice is to live in this life as long as I’m aloud. I know I can’t bring him back. I know I can’t end my life. So I make a choice. I choose to live day to day making the best of whatever situation I find myself in ~ others can’t tell me how to do it ~ others can’t make me feel better. It comes from within and I just decide to accept what is real.

The pain is always there but it is not controlling me anymore. I have made a conscious effort to walk this life knowing that Jim and I will be together again. I am not happy nor am I unhappy. I try to live my days grateful for small things. I don’t look for others to understand how I am feeling ~ how could they?

Sunday, May 25^th will be two years without my Jim. I miss him just as much today as I did those first days he left me. He is not here with me in his physical body but he is with me. I have made the choice to accept what my life is now. It is a choice.

Anne

[mfh]

Chris, you said that with the holiday weekend, "most will be away from this forum, I hope to be able to manage until next week." Just to be sure you know that though many do not post as much on holiday weekends...this forum never "closes" and many of us are online and are here for you as you go through a long weekend.

Mary

[Wifflesnook]

Chris, Heidi, Fae, Anne and Mary it's almost midnight here and I need to sleep but I just feel I can't just read and go away. The deep feelings expressed here need careful attention. I feel all of it. I wish I was able to express it so eloquently as some of you do. Jan

[boogieman]

Anne, I do not feel that I have a choice as of yet regarding my holding on so dearly for My Paula's sake.

This is preferable for me, now, as I face the uncertain, sad, lonely future.

Mary, I do know that someone is almost always here. Outside and family activities have a way of adding, for many,

a welcomed distraction and diversion from the solemnity we carry. I understand and wish I had a little of that.

Already at 80* and 80% humidity here I remain indoors for the duration. Its OK though, My Paula is here with me.

[heidi1]

Chris,

Believe me, even when you have family with you, although as you say it can be a welcome distraction, it can also be a trial, to keep a face on things, when all you want to do is cry and talk to your loved one. And even when you're with others, you are still lonely for the one special person who made your life worthwhile.

Maybe I'm just a weak individual, or maybe it's because we were so young when we got together, but I do know I don't want to live on without him, he is in the best place, and I long to go to him. My only solace is in hoping this might be my last day, an accident, a heart attack (some dodgy prawns I've just eaten), something, to end the pointless misery of the lonely frightening world I now inhabit. It was all worthwhile when Robert was alive, things had meaning, even a cold wet Saturday like today, I would have read a story to him, he loved me reading to him as his eyesight was affected by the stroke, and I loved reading to him. We could have gone out, although it was difficult . With him by my side all the frustrations and disappointments of life were of little moment, we were a team, together we could, and did face the world.

And I am an ungrateful wretch. I have been blessed with so much, I have children who love me, grandchildren too. I have a lovely home in a beautiful part of England, many material things. I appear to be in good health (although who knows). I had a long and happy marriage. Yet my soul is brought down to the depths of despair. Anyone who has ever disliked me or wished me ill, has their revenge now. May God have mercy upon me. Heidi.

[feralfae]

Dear Heidi,

I think G*d is having mercy on you, and that so much of the pain is crushing your heart that you are having trouble seeing anything of the light of Love through the terrible shadows of grief. We have been there. I was absolutely sure that Doug's death and everything else that happened was because of some terrible thing or things I had done, and I was just getting what I deserved.

Now I know better. My situation is a bit unusual, but I do now know that Doug made a strategic escape from his deranged family, many of whom he supported. I know that he was emotionally wounded deeply by his time in Viet Nam -- two tours piloting a heli gunship, or else crawling through swamps, leading his men. You see, he was a Ranger officer, combat pilot, and volunteered to bring out the wounded in heavy fire areas. Doug never planned to make it home alive. He assumed he would die in some rice paddy. It took a very long time for him to feel safe and to trust enough to begin to engage life again. He had significant PTSS from the years of the trauma of war.

Any terrible trauma -- and what could be worse than losing our Beloved, half of our heart and spirit? -- any terrible trauma is going to break us at deep levels of our being, and it takes as long as is needed for that to begin to heal. Here I am, more than two years out, still crying most days, and mostly crying some days. There is still a numbness most of the time in my heart. Life would be so much easier if I could go back to the days of Doug. Even back to the last years when my life was all about caring for Doug, saving his life, keeping him out of pain, keeping him comfortable. But he told me he had to leave, and he told me the reasons why.

So, although my heart is broken open and only a little bit healed in many ways, I know that Doug's leaving was what he and G*d decided was the best move in the grand scheme of things, of which I have little or no comprehension. But I do know this: Doug and I had years of love and laughter, and wonderful days together. There are memories that are bright bridges of light to love, to life, and to possibilities before me. It takes a while for those bridges to reveal themselves, because we are terribly trapped in the valley of the shadow of death. But even if we cannot see them for a while (It took more than a year before I could see any hope or feel any faith) and even if things are totally dark all around us, the darkness is not the whole truth. There is light, love, and life further along on the journey, and everyone here is telling you that this is so.

You cannot see any light right now, but it is there, waiting to warm and guide you, heal your heart, lead you back into life. I know the days are filled with pain, and that life seems empty and meaningless, but it is only the shadows that blind us. Walk on.

I think we are all here to remind you, to encourage you, to lovingly, compassionately, and gently remind you, to Walk On.

Hold on and know that we have felt the same emptiness, the same searing and tearing pain, ripping away every joy that seems to have abandoned us. But nothing is lost. It is just hidden from us by the darkness we must cross to journey back into light.

G*d is having mercy on you, for you are here with us, and trust me, I have found a whole orchestration of *<Angels>* here, caring and loving us as our hearts begin to heal enough to make this journey with faith and awareness.

Walk on. It is worth the effort. Truly.

Blessings,

fae

[kayc]

Chris, one day is the same as the next to me. I rarely have time with my kids or special days. I am here this weekend.

I have to wonder if you read what I wrote. I carefully put thought into what I felt was so important to convey to you, but I felt you didn't even hear me. It was important, I so wish you could get it.

[KarenK]

Chris & Heidi, I am here also. Like Kay, each day is much the same for me. Sometimes I even forget what day it is.

My son is busy with work, his son, and his really big sloppy kisses dog. Although he often comes by to help me with things I can't do, we don't do things together like outings, dinner, etc. Same with my grandson. I know he loves me, but socially we are worlds apart.

Since Ron left a year ago, my life has been a whirlwind of financial disaster, survival tactics, and yard sales. Sadly, the most human contact I have is with strangers at those sales. And then there is the constant worry of my daughter. Perhaps because of all this turmoil, I no longer dwell on the fact that Ron is not here. I still miss him terribly but have accepted the fact that I must move forward and survive. As Kay said, this does not diminish my memories of all those years together. I will always remember the things he taught me about love and life and will carry them with me into the future.

Chris, your area sounds like my daughter's in the summer. Beautiful and green, but like being in a constant sauna. Here in Arizona, we're more like fried eggs in a skillet. Hope you have a pleasant weekend.

Luv,

Karen

[boogieman]

Kayc, I went back and read again your last posting.

Perhaps you didn't fully grasp my fumbling effort to explain the un-explainable.

Right now the effort for me to manage any particular day or situation requires intentional focus

and concentration to achieve whatever the task requires. That intentional effort requires me to

divert my attentions to that end and away from My Paula.

Dealing with the vagaries of daily existence does not yet come easily for me. Might never be easy again, either.

That effort is painful and distracting to me as it places my Paula in a lesser state of importance, in my mind,

for that given length of time.

You certainly don't have to agree but that is my opinion and position.

Perhaps what you accept and have come to terms with is not the same for me as yet.

Anything that interferes with my inner need to remain laser focused on My Paula is unacceptable to me.

I know she is around. I know she is in my heart. I know we will be together someday, soon I hope.

I know she still cares for and watches over me. I understand all the aspects as you and others delineate them.

Apparently I have much to experience in this journey and much to learn.

What I hope you can understand is that what you see and purport as your truth may not resonate with

the same level of acceptance and understanding to and for me as yet, if ever at all.

If I am to come to a deeper level of understanding and acceptance I must do it in my own time.

Discover the truths hidden from me at a pace I can resolve them.

I am very "old school" in that I can't accept everything told to me without first "running it through the

wringer", so to speak, to come to my own interpretation and understanding.

I appreciate your listening and understanding.

Maybe I will get to the place you are, maybe not.

In truth, I hope not, for to me, My Paula will not have my full attention and focus.

And for me, right now, nothing else matters. Nothing else may ever matter

I did get a visit from #1 son and DIL this afternoon. They brought over some plants to set out in My Paula's garden.

We got to spend several hours together doing for My Paula that which she so loved doing. We had lunch together and just visited.

Now the yard looks so much better, I mowed and edged yesterday, and the garden is all fresh with new plants.

I know My Love is pleased. She told me so.

[boogieman]

Heidi, I do appreciate your British phraseology.

" ... dodgy prawns..."

Paints quite a vivid picture.

Quaint.

Alone in a crowd, too.

[heidi1]

Chris,

I would never have eaten those prawns 6 months ago, they were old, having been in the freezer ages, and 6 months ago I couldn't afford to get ill as I had to look after Robert, but it doesn't seem to matter now. Nothing really matters now. Heidi.

[kayc]

Chris, I realize you have to come to your own understanding of things in your own way and time. Perhaps it was me who misunderstood you. I have seen people who deliberately hung on to their grief and pain because they felt by letting go of any of the hurt and pain would be to go further away from their loved one. That is not true. They stumped themselves from any progress or any joy because they clutched the wrong thing, not realizing their loved one is always there inside of them and would never want them to hang onto abject misery. Sometimes when the truth came to them it was like an aha moment for them and they realized they could live and breathe again.

[mfh]

Chris, if it helps....when my pain was so all consuming it also seemed to make it more difficult to remember many of the wonderful moments Bill and I shared. As the pain has lifted...in your own time...more of the incredible moments surface also.

[boogieman]

KayC and Mary, for me this is still a very delicate balancing act. I do not choose to hang on so tenaciously to the pain

and attending emotions therein. But I do need to continue to try to hang on to that which I feel is still so very important

to me, at least for now. Perhaps a veil will lift, maybe not.

As my grief counselor once stated the process, we "move forward" one step at a time. If in that movement the sense of adjusting

is too great we can step back and reassess. Or we can step back and reassess first. If a level of comfort is there we can stay there

for as long as needed and take more positive steps if and when the timing is right. I have come to accept this premise as this is exactly

what I have been doing in trying to make headway and sense of my circumstances.

The constant mental forwards and backwards movement is the buffer to insulate and isolate us from the devastation experienced and

my ability to cope with it.

So the necessary constant emotional highs and lows are now very clear to and for me regarding the why and how of my emotional fluxations.

For example, I was still awake at 4:00am this morning. Falling asleep from sheer exhaustion, I woke at 10:00am feeling rested and

able to face this day. I truly believe that My Paula came to me and granted me peace, indicating to me, that she agrees and supports my

mind-set, the balance, at that particular moment. Tonight and tomorrow may be completely different.

This may be simplistic, even naïve, but it works for me. So far today I have a sense of not needing to cling so desperately.

This can certainly change as I continue to hold on to what I consider so very important to me. As long as My Love is held at a particular

place and level in my daily life, she is pleased and that pleases me.

As my brother stated in My Loves Memorial service, he " watched for 35 years as My Paula loved most of the hard sharp edges from me".

Now I must allow that process to continue at a pace that is acceptable to and comfortable for us. I will most certainly allow My Love to

continue to mold and shape me, to " love more of the hard sharp edges from me" at our pace and my level of understanding and acceptance.

I realize now, for me, the times of most intense pain and agony are when I move away from My Love too quickly. As long as I stay in one

particular place and state of mind, My Paula is there to the fullest extent possible, and we are in agreement as she imparts a level of

acceptance and understanding regarding my mental state. I choose to accommodate My Love in a place where we are of like minds even now,

and hopefully until we are together again, soon I pray.

As for my personal joy, it is inconsequential as long as My Love and I are comfortable in our common mind-sets.

just like our 35 years together here. I trust in and rely on her judgments implicitly. I can no more move away from her than I can change the tides.

I gladly allow her to influence, guide and lead me as she sees fitting, proper, and acceptable to us both.

That is how we were together and I can not, will not, change that now.

My Love knows best how to tend to and nurture me.

I miss My Love so very greatly.

[kayc]

Chris, I am glad you had 35 years together. And your counselor is very wise.

[feralfae]

Chris, I think you and Your Paula are going to always be as close as you have ever been. I cannot think of any reason at all to move away from her, just as I cannot think of any reason to move away from Doug.

That being said, it seems to me that all you are doing is going at your own pace making the transition from being able to wrap your arms around Your Paula to being able to wrap your heart and love around Your Paula. I know that as I heal I am becoming much, much better at wrapping my love around Doug, and as I let go of the pain and anguish of grief, my heart is more and more filled with the joy and wonder of his abiding love.

I think that is where you are headed,at your own pace. It is a beautiful place to be, by the way.

My apple trees are in bloom, and I can sit outside and inhale the heavenly scent of our apple trees. Today, there were lark sparrows at the forest edge, and the birds are availing themselves of the running water at the drip feeders for the trees.

This journey is painful, and G*d gives us choices. So do our Beloveds, who are still here, just in a different energy form. We each take as much time as we need to feel and figure that out for ourself. It is a wonderful lesson to learn, that Love is the strongest force in the Universe.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[boogieman]

Thank you for understanding, Ladies.

Today has been peaceful and serene. I was outside watching our Bluebirds do what they do.

Saw a beautiful Cardinal, or Redbird, too.

Doves, lots of Doves. Cooing to each other.

And the squirrels.

And the two pairs of woodpeckers nesting in a hollow branch of the backyard tree.

The yard and the new plantings, the clean-up effort, and the light but muggy breezes call to mind

many wonderful hours spent in the company of My Love doing exactly the same.

She appreciated the efforts invested into the yard and her gardens. I appreciate her for that.

For today anyway, My Paula and I are in total harmony.

I am quite sure she is pleased with where I am emotionally.

And isn't that all that matters?

[heidi1]

Chris,

I posted on another thread about a dear relative in Germany who lost her husband of 50 years, 7 years ago. I vividly remember how she was when she visited us 3 months after Heinz died, she was so utterly lost, so sad and silent like me. I kept it in my heart how she grieved, when she came the next year she was the same, 4 years later she still burst into tears at the mention of him. Now it is my turn, and I knew she would understand how I feel. She said the 1st thing that gave her any comfort are these words on a card sent to her.

Was man tief in seinem Herzen besitzt,

kann man nicht durch den Tod verlieren. Goethe.

It means, what one holds deep in his heart, cannot be lost by death.

Heidi.

[mfh]

Chris, I believe you have made great strides in the past several months....and you will continue to do that at your own personal pace and in your own way...and I support that totally.

Mary