I Need Your Help

[boogieman]

Morning Fae.

I guess I'm still in the darkest of places. I hesitate to make decisions for fear of making the wrong one or a bad one.

I can honestly see myself in the same place for a long time to come. My grief has become bearable not through

relief but from familiarity. Right now the best I can do is manage around it. Whatever results from that is what I get.

Our youngest son has invited me to Mass. for a visit. I want to go but am hesitant to leave the house. Here I am comfortable

and have a routine that protects me. On the trip there, while there, and on the return, I don't have that sphere of familiarity.

Since the summer of 2010 when My Loves medical issues first appeared, until now, the unknown has beaten me down.

I have lost that spirit of adventure and ability to face the unknown with bold bravado. "Gun shy" is the best I can describe this

feeling of complete lack of control. I haven't the foggiest idea what to do to help myself and really don't care either.

I have come to a place of stale-mate where my sad lonely life and attitude is precariously balanced against the uncertainty of

a future. From this position I can manage to balance what existence I have. Not willing to risk loosing that balance, as tenuous as it is,

is my comfort zone.

I long for the person I once was and the boldness with which he faced every challenge. When My Paula passed, that person passed too.

My Love was my reason for being, for doing, for challenging, for boldly facing the vagaries of life. Alone, those qualities are non-existent.

I accept this state as I know what even one set-back can lead to. I have been there and it isn't pretty.

I do appreciate you concern and support. Perhaps someday I may be able to see over the rim, too.

[heidi1]

Chris,

I understand what you are saying about the person you were having died too, I feel just the same, I too long for the person I was, but I can't be that person without Robert, my soul is bound up with his, when the bible says we become one flesh, that is just how it was with me and Robert. So a large part of me has died with him, I can't ever be the person I was again, I feel like shadows of bits of me. And I understand your reluctance to leave your home for the trip to Mass., is it a long way? I know you don't view distances the same in the U.S. as we do in the UK. heidi

[feralfae]

Dear Heidi,

I think we all fell the same way exactly. I have lost the person I was when Doug was with me. It feels as though half of me, half of every organ, limb, sight, sense, taste, smell, hearing, and life are all gone. I don't know who I am any more, and I am working very hard to let go and be compassionate and kindly to myself as I stumble along this path. I think almost everyone here would say that they have lost half or more than half of who they were.

This morning, as I was outside praying, I looked around at all the signs of Doug's presence here, and I felt a surge of joy for the first time at the thought that he had loved me so very much, and I had loved him so very much, that even death held no power to truly separate our spirits.

It is that knowing—that Doug is still here with me—that keeps me going each day. I just came back from town, from picking up the test kit at the hospital so I can start over on the tests they lost, and of course I was in the same cancer center where Doug spent so much time his last years.

All the while, driving in, going to run errands, being at the center, all I could think of was that I am now better able to carry the pain and heaviness in my heart, and that sometimes, although not as often as I would like, I have glimmers of joy in knowing that Doug is right here with me.

But, yes, the pain of the amputation of the physical presence of Doug has been a searing pain of unimaginable depth, and it is because of that pain at that depth that I have been given access to new reaches of my spirit. I stopped at the Cathedral to pray this morning (I am a Quaker, but I know G*d is everywhere, and it is a comforting place to pray, there before the Holy Mother in her glory. Not the statue, but her spiritual presence. ) And I asked for healing for my hurting heart. I think she heard me, because I noticed the tiny wildflowers blooming at the end of the drive when I came home. They are blue.

We have all been broken terribly, and that is what has drawn us here. I am so sorry your pain is so deep, and we all do understand. I hope you are finding time to meditate, pray, read helpful readings, and walk for a little while each day. I hope you are eating well and staying hydrated. I hope you are spending time with friends, support groups, your grief counselor, and supportive family.

Blessings,

fae

[boogieman]

From Dallas to central Ma. is about 2,500 miles. As the train goes about 3,000 miles and 48 hours.

The gubment here has made flying too restrictive except for those who must.

I'm not one of those willing to suffer the indignities.

Taking the train as that is one of the retirement travels My Paula and I talked of doing.

[Wifflesnook]

Heidi, I met my Pete when I was 20 and that was 1961. We were inseparable from then and so we grew together like two trees very close to each other whose roots entwine and branches connect. Some of our childhood memories got mixed up because we had often shared them. We changed each other's personalities (for the better I believe). The person I am now is not the same as the one I would have been if I'd not met and married my Pete. So his physical loss means I am half the person I was even though other people can't see this. And it will always be so. The only comfort I get (apart from loving my daughter and son and little grand daughters) comes from the comfort of memories which I hope will always be with me. The pain of loss is either dull or sharp. I never know when to expect either. No one who hasn't suffered the loss of their. Soul mate can know our pain. No one.

[heidi1]

Jan,

you and Pete sound like me and Robert, he was only 16 when i met him, and I was 18, (he was my toyboy), we too came from similar backgrounds, I am one of two sisters, he was one of two brothers. We shaped and formed our adult personalities together with each other in mind, we were just kids when we met, but we had some wonderful times together. I keep torturing myself with thoughts of how he must have suffered over the last few years and more recently of course, and I'm so afraid of the future. I don't want to have life that he doesn't have, he really didn't deserve what happened to him. I know I keep saying the same things over and over, but I really don't want to continue living without him, nothing means anything anymore. You are so right, no one can understand unless they have suffered it too, and you can see in their eyes when they do understand. Heidi.

[kayc]

Heide,

It took me years to come to the place where I am no longer afraid of the future. I don't look forward to it in the same way I would if I had George by my side, but I have accepted that it is what it is. None of us are the same person we were before. Our lives are not the same. It's as if we've had to relearn everything all over again, not unlike someone who suffers a stroke. All of life has changed. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you,having been together since you were kids. George and I were not that fortunate, It took me years before I finally found my soul mate, only to have him yanked away from me far before his time. I wish we could have shared in so much more, but as it was, our hearts were completely entwined. I still think of him each and every day, he consumes my thoughts. How much he affected me and my life, forever! Never have I met or connected with anyone the way I did with him. I believe we were meant to be together.

[MartyT]

Chris and Heidi, I thought of both of you when I came across this poem today as I was looking for something else. I share it here in hopes that it will speak to you in some way that is meaningful to each of you:

Now that I am gone,

remember me with smiles and laughter.
And if you need to cry,
cry with your brother or sister
who walks in grief beside you.
And when you need me,
put your arms around anyone
and give to them what you need to give to me.
There are so many who need so much.
I want to leave you something --
something much better than words or sounds.
Look for me in the people I've known
or helped in some special way.
Let me live in your heart
as well as in your mind.
You can love me most
by letting your love reach out to our loved ones,
by embracing them and living in their love.
Love does not die, people do.
So, when all that's left of me is love,
give me away as best you can.

~ Author unknown

[boogieman]

Heidi, so very few of us have the opportunity to connect so completely and totally with another.

It is that comfort and ease of life together that makes the parting so very traumatic and life changing.

Our lives are changed for the better together and utterly destroyed when parted.

It is well known that some of us never recover from that loss, including you and I.

My Paula and I met in '74. Together in '78. Married in '79. Both of us being older, I was 30, My Paula was 25.

We each came from broken marriages to find in each other that which we so longed for, together.

We found that and nurtured and cherished that love for 35 years. It was not enough time.

Only eternity will provide the time needed to share and explore the wonder of what we have.

I long for and relish any and all avenues that will re-unite me and My Love.

Nothing else matters at all. Every aspect of this existence merely a holding cell in hell while awaiting

the pardon needed to be with My Paula again.

If the eyes are the window to the soul, our pain must be plain to see for those willing to look inside of us.

Some of us know all too well what that looks like from the inside.

Like you, I see the world through tired, lonely, frightened eyes. The future dark and foreboding at best.

The trick, for me, is how do I in cooperate that perspective into the daily grind of sadness and loneliness.

Not very successfully so far is the best I can do at present. I try to balance the past with the now.

There is no bright future to consider alone, sad, and lonely.

We are exclusive members of a fellowship of survivors that none of us want to be a part of, yet here we are.

Unwilling participants in the aftermath of the devastation brought-on by the loss of the greatest gift ever bestowed

upon us. That being the total commitment to and from another person, the love of our lives.

What life exists outside of that?

[MartyT]

Chris, my dear, you have been with us for more than a year. I must say that I am puzzled by your selective inattention to our repeated attempts to offer you support, as well as your outright rejection of suggestions of various ways you might try to help yourself. I need for you to know that, for many of us, it can be hard (and in some cases painful) to be on the receiving end of your inattention and rejection. Are you aware of how hurtful some of your responses might feel to the rest of us? There is not a person here who is not carrying his or her own pain, and I think we need to be mindful of that when we share our own pain.

Some time ago I pointed out to you that the title you gave to this thread you started is I Need Your Help, and I know from reading all the posts in here that many members repeatedly have extended our hearts and hands to you through our kind and caring responses. Not once has any member written anything remotely hurtful to you. On the contrary, the responses have been consistently filled with loving kindness and repeated efforts to help you. But sometimes it feels to me as if you either ignore what is said to you or reject it outright, as if we cannot possibly understand the depth of your pain. I am so sorry that you find it so difficult to see, to hear, and to open your heart to the love that has been extended to you here. As I said, I am puzzled as to what you are seeking from us.

While you are most welcome to stay here with us as long as you like, I feel a need to ask you: What induces you to stay here with us? Are you getting what you need from us? Do you feel supported and understood by us? Do you feel as if your being here with us has helped you in any way? If so, can you share with us what that is?

I read a piece today by a mother whose son is about to leave her as he goes to study abroad. She is anticipating her loss of him, already aware of the grief she will feel in his absence. Still, as she examines her own responses, she is honest enough to notice her tendency to look only at what she is losing and nothing else. She writes:

[W]hile my circumstances are pretty unique, I know that all of us can fall into the trap of focusing too much on things that pull us down, amplifying our negative emotions and smothering positive ones from rising up. I know I'm not alone in sometimes dwelling too much on what I don't have, what I can't do, what is missing, or what I'm losing... on being complicit in making myself miserable!

It's not about white washing those things which need your attention. It's about not wasting your precious energy focused on things that fuel misery or breed anxiety. While we should never deny the harsher reality of our lives, or discount legitimate emotions, the deeper truth is that when we dwell on those aspects of our lives that give rise to resentment, sadness, frustration, victimhood, or anger, those very feelings can gradually grow to dominate the emotional landscape of our lives. This impacts not only our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing, but poisons into our relationships, seeps into our interactions and limits our ability to take the very actions needed to create more positive outcomes.

The truth is that I have an enormous amount for which to be grateful. The truth is that you do also, despite all the things that aren't as you'd like in your life, the uncertainty you may face, or the loss you may have felt. We all do.

If there is some aspect of your life today that causes you angst or misery or frustration, then ask yourself where you've been focusing too much on what you can't do and what isn't right, rather than on what you can do and what is right. I promise you, making a shift will make all the difference.

What you focus on sets off a ripple effect in every area of your life, expanding outward and touching all areas of your life. So as you read this now, I invite you to be more intentional in putting your focus on that which lifts you and feeds you -- whether people, opportunities, or ways of thinking. That's what will grow your capacity to face the world with courage, optimism, and resilience, and that's what will expand in your reality.

So I encourage you to focus your attention on the things (and people) that lift you up, on seizing opportunities to forge richer relationships and nurture your spirit (rather than siphon your happiness!).

[source: A Lesson from the Heart: Be Careful Where You Focus Your Attention, Lest You Make Yourself Miserable, by Margie Warrell]

[Queeniemary]

Lovely poem and very good article Marty, thank you for sharing with us.

QMary

[enna]

Thank you Marty.

[feralfae]

Thank you Marty.

[mfh]

Chris, I hope you will read and re-read what Marty has posted for you. Mary

[JeL]

Marty, the poem touched me & is so timely for me just now. Thank you.

Chris, Heidi, I share your grief...everyone here has been there, is there. Part of the help I receive from this forum is perspective from those who came to grief before me. It's very hard work to pull myself up yet I know it's how I'll heal so I keep trying. Some days are better than others. My heart is certainly lighter than 6 months ago, I have happy moments, still lots of tears.

Anniversaries, the "firsts", are very tough for me...yesterday was Fred's birthday. Last June 4th, we arrived in Glacier Bay National Park on our boat, spent a glorious 10 days amidst the glaciers, whales and seabirds fishing and kayaking. I'm now selling the boat because I can't afford it alone. It's what I must do....bittersweet. I could be morose, instead I chose gratitude for the adventures we shared with 9 summers on this boat in Alaska's Inside Passage. Last evening, I got my first offer after a month for sale & accepted it. How cool is that, on Fred's birthday?

This evening, I attended the memorial service of a co-worker who died early last month. I was struck by how far I've come in my grief evolution in 8 months. It took reaching out to others in newer grief to feel that in myself. Then I came home, settled in to read this forum, found Marty's poem.....Love does not die, people do. So, when all that's left of me is love, give me away as best you can.

I like it. I'll try it.

Jo

[heidi1]

Chris,

There was an article in a national newspaper here yesterday, where a husband and wife died within 2 hours of each other, they were cremated in a double coffin, they were both 64, he died of MS, and she died of a chest infection brought on by worry over her husband. As is often the case, the readers comments are as interesting as the article, many say they want to go around the same time as their partner, one says that having seen the sadness her widowed mother carried around with her for 10 years, until her recent death, she wouldn't wish it on anybody, another says that the grief and pain and loneliness of his widowed father is so hard to see, in spite of all the company and help he could wish for. The paper is the Daily Mail and the article was headed with something about the double coffin if you wanted to read it, the comments are below the article. I just thought it would help to validate your feelings Chris, because your feelings ARE valid, grief is so isolating, no one can really help us except by knowing that others feel as we do. A complete escape from this haunting reality you say, I say Amen to that, if you find it, please let me know. Heidi.

[mfh]

Dear Jo, What a lovely post. Pain and joy, tears and smiles. I do believe this is the core of our journey...walking through both the ups and the downs and learning how to live in and with both. I am so glad you sold the boat and yes...on Fred's birthday. Sounds like he helped you with that one. So many memories....and so much joy and yes, tears as you remember.

As I attended this conference this week I became aware of my own progress on this journey through grief. The first time I went I was literally in a fog and in deep pain...and this time four years later....I could look back and see that person and her pain and see where I am now. Still a journey of joy and pain but the pain is not as...well...painful. I am so glad you can look back and see that also...and make choices along the way. I do agree that reaching out to others is a gift to them but also to ourselves.

Peace to your heart as you continue your journey.

Mary

[MartyT]

Dear Heidi,

Once again I must express my concern about the relentless negativity I see in the content of the posts that you and Chris are sharing with each other in this thread. While we continually emphasize on our site that grief is unique to everyone here and that there is no right or wrong way to manage it, I must remind the two of you that still, there are healthy ways to cope with it just as there are unhealthy ways. Among other things, this site is about sharing HEALTHY ways to manage grief. Despite our repeated efforts to convey that expectation to both of you, the posts you and Chris insist upon sharing with each other here seem to advocate giving up and giving in. Essentially, you’ve virtually encouraged each other to choose death over life. While that saddens me to the core, I cannot permit this relentless negativity to continue in a public forum such as this. I feel a deep and personal sense of responsibility for ALL the members on this site, and despite my efforts to explain it to you, the two of you don’t seem to realize how strongly your posts are affecting our other members, all of whom are struggling with their own pain. I’m so sorry to have to say this to you, especially since you are so much newer to this grief journey than Chris is. Nevertheless, at this point I must insist that if you wish to continue in this vein (i.e., supporting each other in such negative, unhealthy ways), you both must stop using this public forum and confine your contact to private messages or emails to each other. I’m also putting the two of you on notice that if I see any further posts like these, I will not hesitate to delete them.

[mfh]

Thank you, Marty.

Heidi, I just finished reading your post and it is clear to me that you and Chris are supporting each other in ways that directly oppose the goals here. As a moderator who has also lost my own soulmate/husband just four years ago, the feelings I get when I read yours or Chris' post include:

neither of you care about the pain of anyone else here and

that no one else here even feels as much pain as either of you do...

that your losses are so much more significant than mine or anyone else's loss or pain or journey.

I have absolutely no problem with members sharing their pain...that is a good part of our reason to be here...to share our pain and know that others understand and hear us. That is critically important here.

However, sharing pain with no intention of healing your pain and no desire to do so (as it appears is true of both of you) brings everyone down further than they are and becomes a huge obstacle on the path to healing.

We all came here to support each other in our healing. Yet, I have not seen (from either you or Chris) any desire to heal or any effort to heal. Healing does not mean we forget. It does not mean we stop grieving for our grief will always be there. But it means we WANT to learn how to integrate our loss and grief and pain into our lives and we are here to support each other in doing that. I ask you, Heidi, do you want to heal? It is hard for me to know since all I hear from you is your desire to die. You came here for a reason and I, for one, would like to know what your goals are here.

I care deeply about every single person here...including you and Chris. But I am not sure you and Chris care deeply about the gift of life you have been given (even though you are in tremendous pain right now-I get that. I know pain. ) or about the pain of other members...which it feels you discount.

What help do you need from us on your path to healing? Is healing your goal?

Chris, is it your goal?

[MartyT]

In case you're still wondering what Mary and I mean by "doing something to heal yourself," I'm sharing with you an article you will find on my blog:

Bereavement: Doing the Work of Grief

A reader writes: It has been a year and 3 months since my best friend died. I think I've moved thru alot of the intensity of my grief and now what I feel left with is something similar to the wreckage after a train wreck. I feel so afraid...so removed from the person I used to be. I am not myself...my old self. I kinda expected that, but I feel so unmoved by life right now. Nothing seems to thrill me...in fact everything seems to be a struggle to do.
I have moments of feeling energetic and ok...but alot of this crappola too. I wonder if my mind is stuck in "negative" mode...am I pushing the grief too hard still, expecting myself to be free of it? Is it realistic to expect to feel joy and happiness and zest for life now...or do I need to cultivate that? My body feels like it has been beaten up, my mind feels like I'm missing a few screws. I am a mess..not sure where to start...not sure I have the energy to start. My body aches, I have headaches, weird stomach stuff...off balance somewhat. My muscles have never been so tense. I feel like i could collapse and at times that would be a welcome rest. I'm just feeling really crappy and now that alot of the dust has settled...I feel huge saddness and depression that my dearest friend died. I feel shell shocked. I don't know what I need. Is it normal to feel this way? How do I pick up and move on?

My response: My first reaction to your message is that it’s such a poignant and accurate description of the physical, emotional, and spiritual effects of grief. I especially appreciate your use of the term,shell shocked. I can think of no better analogy than that. When we lose someone we love so dearly, it does feel as if the entire landscape of our life has been destroyed completely – as if someone dropped a bomb in our midst, and everything familiar, everything we thought we knew for certain, believed in, and took for granted, is now in shambles. It is so unexpected, so unfamiliar, so overwhelming that it can take weeks and months and even years for us to get our bearings, find ourselves once again, and begin rebuilding our lives.

You said I wonder if my mind is stuck in "negative" mode.. am I pushing the grief too hard still, expecting myself to be free of it? Is it realistic to expect to feel joy and happiness and zest for life now...or do I need to cultivate that? . . . Is it normal to feel this way? How do I pick up and move on?

I think the worst thing we can do in grief is to try to wait it out, or wait for something outside ourselves to happen. Grief is something that we can learn to manage – we need not sit passively in the face of it, just waiting for time to pass. The passage of time alone does nothing to heal our wounded souls. It is what we do with the time that makes the difference.

You are now 15 months into your grief journey, and I’d like to ask you some questions.

What is the state of your physical health? When did you last see your primary care physician for a complete check-up? While grief can affect us physically, and many physical symptoms occur normally in grief, it is extremely important to rule out any medical conditions that may be causing the symptoms you describe (i.e., no energy, “body aches, headaches, weird stomach stuff,” etc.) How is your appetite? When you do sit down to eat, are you intentionally eating nutritious foods, even if only in small amounts? Do you make sure that you’re drinking enough water every day? Are you getting enough rest? What about physical exercise? Do you have a regular exercise routine?

Are you doing anything to nourish your soul – such as using nature, prayer, meditation, imagination, guided imagery, music, photography, works of art?

Are you learning all you can about what is normal (and to be expected) in grief, and what you can do to manage it? Have you read any of the dozens of wonderful books recommended by others whose loved ones have died?

Are you keeping a journal?

You see, my friend, it is when denial falls away, when you begin to recognize and experience most intensely all the reactions to your loss, that the real work of mourning begins. In ways that are personal and unique to you alone, you will gradually integrate your loss into the framework of your life, as you slowly give up the reality that included the physical presence of your loved one.

If you’ve ever worked out on a regular basis, you know that it requires a great deal of time, effort and commitment – but when done consistently over time, it produces physical, emotional, mental and spiritual benefits. So it is with grief work. Doing the work of mourning takes enormous energy. It is both emotionally and physically exhausting and may well be the hardest work you will ever do, but it can also produce tremendous healing and growth.

Much as you may want to forego this labor, whatever issues you don’t address will lie there, waiting to be resolved. When feelings are expressed outwardly, they can be released. When they’re held onto, they just fester and keep on hurting.

Grief work can be done through private activities such as reading and writing, and with othersthrough talking, participating in bereavement counseling or finding support in a group. It is an active rather than a passive process, not only of coming to terms with your loss, but also offinding meaning in it as well, so both the painful experience of your loved one’s death and your life without that person will count for something.

Suggestions for coping with the work of mourning:

• Believe that there is both a purpose and an end to the work that you must do, and trust that you’ll find your way through this grief.

• Take responsibility for doing your own grief work. The decisions you make, the feelings you feel, the tears you cry belong to you alone, and no one else can do your mourning for you.

• Take time out and time off whenever you need to do so. Your grief will be waiting when you return.

• Ask for help when you need it, from others who understand the grief recovery process, or who are working through losses of their own.

• Take all the time you need. Grief work will take more time and effort than you ever thought possible, but you will make it through this.

Related Articles:

• How Grief Relates to the Work of the Soul
• What's the "Work" of Grief Work?
• Healthy Grieving
• The Holistic Journey through Grief

© by Marty Tousley, CNS-BC, FT, DCC

Finally, I want to share with you something I saw on Pinterest this morning:

[kayc]

A lot of very good information! Marty, thank you for that poem, I love it. A good reminder that our loved one is never truly gone, even though we continue to miss them in the form we used to have with them.

I will share on the thread about wedding rings what I learned yesterday about mine.

[liljo]

Hi everyone,

I haven't written in awhile, I usually just read the posts daily. I am not attempting to "speak" for Chris, and Heidi in this post, I am simply putting in my "two cents", and coming to their defense. First of all - I am in the SAME boat as they are ( not wanting to live without my Bill). I don't know how you can say that they don't "add" anything to the site - They both help ME daily , by knowing that I am not ALONE, or " crazy", for feeling like I do. I don't think that they are harming anyone by saying that they wish they could die. It's not "contagious" - people either feel that or they don't . I feel like I don't want to go on also, yet we, ( Chris , Heidi, and I ) are still here, still alive, still getting up everyday, and struggling to deal with the chores of everyday life. I think we deserve great credit just for that !

The poem that Marty sent was nice, but actually it made me CRY. My grief, and missing Bill's "physical" presence is too fresh right now, and I can NOT think of him as just being "in my heart" . It's not enough for me at this time. And, the piece from the woman "A lesson from the heart", Nice, but no help - that woman's son is still ALIVE.

Perhaps there should be a separate forum for those like us, that find "living" is too painful, after losing our spouses ?!

That way, others can choose wether to look at it or not ? Also, perhaps someone here can suggest another grief support group that might be better suited for us ? Do you know what you are doing to the ones ( like me) that feel like this ? You are pushing us further into a Dark ,lonely , isolation. I now feel like we are "orphans".

By the way, I took everyone's advice , and started seeing a grief counselor - I've been maybe 6 times. It's not helping me at all. The good thing though, is I can say to her numerous times that I " don't want to live without Bill'", and I am not scorned for it.

Ok, that's all for now. I apologize to Heidi, and Chris - they may not agree with a thing I have said here. I just know that I took what was said to them very personal, and I wanted to tell them , that I understand exactly how they are feeling, and I THANK them for helping me to "go on"

Love,

Jodi

[mfh]

Dear Jodi,

I know that neither Marty nor I intended to "scorn' anyone. Far from it. I am sorry you feel that way. It is very common for a bereaved person to have feelings of not wanting to live after losing their beloved; of not wanting to go on without that person. What is being addressed here is when there is an absence of any focus or plan or desire placed on healing so that those feelings of wanting to die begin to dissipate. When a grieving person chooses to focus solely on a desire to die, it is certainly not helpful to anyone. I understand that feeling and I know Marty does also. But what I see is a complete focus on the desire to die without any desire expressed to counterbalance that i.e. steps to begin the healing process. (See the article Marty just posted to see what some of those steps include).

When every post is focused on the desire to die and when all the support that other members have provided is ignored it becomes hurtful to other members and tends to minimize the importance of what each person is going through. Every person here has lost someone near and dear to them and each person's pain is deep and real but what I see and have seen here for years is members taking positive steps simultaneously to feeling their pain and desire to die (if that exists for some) in order to begin the healing process. I do not see others looking for ways to die or focus solely on their desire to die. It is just unhealthy and self defeating.

Yes, getting up each day and getting as far as each person can is to be commended and acknowledged and if that is what someone can do, so be it. But if that same person is choosing to be totally and exclusively focused on dying and doing nothing to alleviate or change that focus, that is not helping them or anyone else.

If there was a forum for people who want to repeatedly speak of dying without creating a healing plan, and focus on living simultaneously I do not think it would be helpful or healing. Of course no one wants to push you further into "dark, lonely, isolation or make you orphans". Frankly that feels like an insult to everyone here who strives with so much love, persistence and compassion to do just the opposite. I hope you can see my remarks (and Marty's) as coming from deep love for all members including you, Chris and Heidi.

[kayc]

I think it is good for people to express themselves and feel heard and acknowledged, regardless of how they are feeling or how long it continues. I do know the path varies for each of us and there isn't a timetable that fits us all.

I also see a danger in posting continual negativity as it can be contagious. I don't want to discourage anyone from posting when they feel negativity, the key word here is continual. I have seen great growth in Chris in his grief journey; I also know it can be three steps forward and two steps backward...if a person looks at the whole, they will see progression, but if they focus on the steps backward, that is what they will see.

It wasn't that long ago when Chris was posting positive encouragement to Heidi. When someone's grief is as fresh as hers, you can't really expect them to feel any different than she does. I remember being there too. It is so important that we don't stay there though, for our own minds and bodies, this kind of grief can really take a toll on us. Chris, I'm concerned about your dental situation...have you been able to make an appt. with someone yet?

One of the best things that ever happened to me was finding that little refrigerator magnet right after George's death...with a dragonfly to attract my attention! I believe God put it there in my path to see because He wanted me to get the message: "Find joy in every day". Having a positive focus changes us, it changes our attitudes and our experience. I can tell you, in the beginning it was very hard for me to find joy in every day...I had to work at it. It took great effort and looking! The practice of that saves me. It has transformed my life...yes, even without George's physical presence. I know he is proud of me for the effort I've made, but then, he was always proud of me! I will always miss him and what we had in our life together, but he is still here with me, just in a different way. That's why I just put priority on getting my wedding ring enlarged at a ridiculous price tag, because I consider him always to be my one and only and wearing his ring again will bring great comfort to me!

[liljo]

Thank you Mary . My situation is even worse than some, because I don't even have children to help me through this, AND , a couple of weeks ago my 23 year old cat died in my arms. He was my "child". So, now even MORE loneliness and heartache.

Ok, so you want to hear of us "trying" to make our lives better ? Well, a few days ago I drove ( with my Mother) 3100 miles (round trip) up to Minnesota just to buy an OLD camping trailer !! This was a BIG deal. All my friends and family were patting me on the back for such a courageous step. Well, guess what - it was one step forward, and 1000 steps backwards. Yesterday, I actually sat down in the dirt outside my house , and bawled like a baby., and yes, I said out loud - I can't do this, I can't go on like this. Believe me, I "try", but nothing means anything without Bill by my side. I can't help the way I feel. Perhaps I'm mentally "not all there" ???

I thank everyone for their suggestions, and I'm sure they would like to shake some of us like a rag doll, but I am who I am. I'm not being "stubborn", I just can't seem to get a grip on this overwhelming loss.

I probably won't write anymore. I don't want to " frustrate" anyone. By the way- Marty still HAS her husband , right ? ( just sayin')

Jodi