I Need Your Help

[boogieman]

Today marks the 15 month date of My Love's passing.

Yet another hard day in a succession of hard days.

[kayc]

I remember the countdown of months from the "anniversary of death day". Thinking of you as you go through this.

[Wifflesnook]

I'm sorry Chris. I've just had the third birthday of my life without my beloved Pete. It was hard. Jan

[boogieman]

Sitting here all alone as the appointed hour for My Love quickly approaches, 3am exactly.

Hard to imaging 16 months have gone by, except that 16 months of agony is an eternity.

The isolation, sadness, and sorrow my only constant companions.

Like it or not this is what I have been reduced to.

[mfh]

Chris, I am glad to see you here. Yes, these early monthly markers can be difficult. Know that we care about you.

Mary

[LarrysGirl]

The holidays, anniversaries and birthdays became just empty days on the calender for me. The anniversary of Larry's death and knowing his birthday was the next day have been the hardest still to this day to manage. I still ask "why". Deborah

[boogieman]

The only why I ask is why not me?

[mfh]

Deborah, everyone's grief and journey through it is different. Those days are still a challenge for me but better. I am so sorry these days seem to be getting worse for you. Do you have someone you can talk to and share those days with...a friend, a counselor?

[kayc]

I think those days always serve as reminders (not like we ever forget) but we do seem to take them in stride better the further out we get. Chris, your post was after I was on yesterday, I'm sorry I'm just now seeing it. How are you doing today?

[Queeniemary]

Yes those days are always going to be hard I think. I passed the 55th month of Mike's death on the 13th of August, and on the 19th, this week, is his birthday. I don't dread his birthday, but I know that it will not be an easy day. He would have been 67. We would have been well into our retirement together, doing a little traveling, enjoying life. He is in my heart always.

QMary

[boogieman]

Not doing well at all. Up all night of the 15th-16th. Up until 4am this morning. awake at 8am.

The crushing loneliness is unbearable. No where to go to get away from it.

Temporary diversions are just that, temporary.

16 months and still no easing of the agony. If anything it is increasing.

[mfh]

Chris, it is very common for the grief pain to be or seem like it is getting worse in the second year. Read this article and see if it helps you to understand.

There are also lots of links to other articles at the bottom. I have found it helpful to educate myself about grief especially in the first couple of years but I still do that (even though I had done lots of grief counseling over the years-that was not about MY grief). I am very sorry. You saw a grief counselor back a while ago. How about a couple of sessions with that person?

[kayc]

What are you doing actively to help your situation? I saw a grief counselor, posted here, used art to express my feelings, made a huge collage of George's life, talked to anyone who would listen, tried to keep busy, tried to schedule things to look forward to. When I couldn't bear it, I'd go out in the forest and scream.

[boogieman]

Thank you Mary. I understand the mechanics of this. Acceptance is another matter entirely.

Acceptance of "secondary" implies acknowledgement of "primary".

Haven't even gotten through the initial stages yet.

Not being interested in or stimulated by anything so far I find I am doing nothing.

That is hard too, but lacking the will or desire to do anything I see this as a small victory.

I am still here to do nothing.

An example.

I was reconnecting with our son in Mass. Making progress even.

When the situation turned to one of money, or my truck be given to him/them, they turned on me

and I was told to not come up there to visit.

Needless to say I was/am devastated anew.

I had planned to go in July after my dental work. I even chose to miss the last 2 weeks of school to go.

All to no avail. Turned away yet again.

Rhetorically, how much is one expected to endure while seeking peace and resolution?

[kayc]

I'm sorry your son is trying to manipulate you, Chris...withholding love unless he gets what he wants. I happen to think you are wise to refuse. Love isn't love unless it's without strings. I went through emotional blackmail from my mother and it didn't improve for me until I refused to be affected by her attempts. That's not to say it doesn't hurt or disappoint, but I didn't react to it.

Yes, you are still here, and that is something.

Remember, acceptance does not equate to liking. We never have to like what's happened but to me acceptance is more a realization that this has happened and what do I need to do with it.

Are you done with your schooling?

I guess one is expected to endure what one must...for myself there has been a lot, but I keep going because there's no alternative.

[boogieman]

17 months today. I had so hoped that my situation would have improved by now. Not so.

I am slowly learning to cope and adjust but still not the same, or enough.

The pain is there constantly although I have learned to internalize it .

This is a nasty business, hiding away from the world, family, and friends, who simply do not understand or accept.

So I soldier on, like the other untold multitudes, in sadness, sorrow, and abject loneliness.

Never in my darkest moments did I envision such a fate.

Scratching and clawing so desperately to barely survive.

But this is my lot. I must face it.

So completely and totally alone and lonely.

[Smudgie]

Boogieman

I hear you man, the loneliness never seems to get easier. My only solace is the time I spent with my soulmate will always be and I would not have changed that even now, knowing my fate.

Peace and hope.

[kayc]

Chris,

It's good to hear from you, I was just thinking about you the other day and wondering how you are. My mom passed away 8/21, we had her service 9/7. Life does seem to go through it's phases.

[boogieman]

!8 months and counting. Still almost unbearable grief, sadness, and loneliness.

Situation slowly grinding on and changing, not always for the better.

I end every month on the verge of being broke financially.

Have been forced back into the work-place just to make ends meet.

Joined my friend in the construction business. I am helping him build a tree house for a family now.

And other home repair and building projects to come.

At 66 this is very hard on me but having no other choice I work again.

Certainly no way to spend my "golden years", whatever that may mean.

Being alone and so very lonely I suppose I should be grateful for something to fill the long hours.

And I am, but dealing with this continuing deep grief and now the physical exertion is taking a double toll on me.

Ironically, I hope the strain is an avenue to being with My Love sooner than later.

Have basically lost all contact with our children. No contact from them. I reach-out and get little or no reply.

Grief has changed me into someone I don't like. Had I the choice I wouldn't want to be around me either.

Hard if not impossible to be relegated to the sidelines of life, the back of the crowd, watching as the grand parade marches by

oblivious to my continuing pain and suffering.

But then, who cares?

[mfh]

Well, Chris, we still care. Keep in mind that the second year of grief comes with pain of its own and perhaps down the road a while, the pain might ease up some more. Glad you are working as it does help fill your days. I am sorry your kids are not around. What about inviting them over for a meal on a weekend when you are not working?

[kayc]

Chris, it's good to hear from you again, although I'm sorry you've had to go back to work. I well know the being broke before the end of the month but I'm learning to live with it. I sell on eBay, it doesn't bring in much but I'm somehow managing to eat with the extra provision. Some months better than others.

How long has it been since you've had contact with one of your kids? I wonder because I don't have a lot of contact with mine either...we're certainly not "estranged", never been at odds or had a falling out, they're just very busy and living their lives and they have no idea what it feels like to be me, to be alone, getting older, isolated, struggling. It's been a year since I "retired" and I decided that first year didn't go so well...I not only had a lot of injuries but I truly was way too isolated. I'm doing what I can to change that this year. I've started being involved with Senior Meals twice a week (plus Bingo beforehand), and I am taking on the role of Church Treasurer, which is going to take months to learn their system. Between that and my music ministry, plus driving my sister around and going to doctor's appts., it's giving me something to do, somewhere to go five days a week. It's important that we build some kind of a tolerable life for ourselves and it took me more time that I ever dreamed possible to do that, but others have been successful at it in a way shorter time.

[boogieman]

I would have never believed this possible before having been forced into it. I know I am far from the first or last but this story and journey are mine alone.

It has been several months since contact with our daughter. No idea why.

Over 3 weeks since contact with our older son. A major storm with 80mph winds blew down a 30' tall tree in the front yard 3 weeks ago. Oldest son and grandchildren came to my rescue to clean up the disaster. As they would not take payment in return I offered to take them all out for a meal. No reply in that regard. Not a single word.

Youngest sends an occasional cryptic one line text when convenient. Nothing regularly.

I understand they are busy. Everyone but me is. I have stayed in contact with my Mother at least weekly for well over 30 years. I was very busy too but

managed to maintain contact. I have hinted, suggested, asked our children to do the same for me. Nothing in return. Being busy is no excuse. At least one I am unable to accept.

Besides having to go back to work, I am gathering a lifetimes collection of rare auto parts to sell while I am able. I need the money. So sad. Thinking of selling our car but would then be forced into complete dependency on my truck alone. If the truck goes down I'm stranded. What to do.

Life is hard enough without having to consider all the ramification of every aspect of change. What was once easily decided is now a major issue at every turn.

And today is the 18 month date of My Love's Memorial service. I suppose I will get through this too but have no idea how or why.

I need to let some of this go but it will not let me go

[kayc]

Chris, when I suggest our children are "busy", I am in no way excusing it. I, like you, always took time (on a regular basis) for my mother, all of my life, regardless of how she treated me, simply because she was my mom. I find it hard that my daughter doesn't call, answer texts, read my emails, etc., let alone take time to get together. About the only time I see her is when my sisters and I hire her services to help with my quadriplegic sister, once a month, and a very occasional holiday. She's never told me why she's withdrawn from me these last 14 years, and always acts like everything is fine if I do see her. My son now has his wife determining his schedule, along with his job, and I know he'd see me more if he could. He's not much of a phone talker and he lives 2 1/2 hours away from me. I know it's hard. I don't have anyone to help me should my tree blow down, or anything else that happens. I have to hire things done and I can ill afford it, not when I have a hard enough time just putting food on the table. I truly pray you'll have the strength to do what you need to do at your job and around your place, it's so tough.

You weren't here when I announced I'm going to be a grandmother in May. They lost the first one so we're hoping and praying this one arrives fully incubated and healthy! (My son and his wife)

I know all too well your statement that you need to let go of some of this but it will not let you go. Honestly, I think the way we choose to handle things and the timing are entirely up to us, regardless of whether or not anyone else understands or agrees...the only exception would be if it were not healthy for us. I had my wedding band resized months ago and resumed wearing it. I don't give a rat's fig if anyone understands or not, it brings me comfort as I remember the only man that truly loved me in the fullest way, the one who understood me, the one who was my biggest fan and supporter. I'm happy just remembering him and all that we shared together, knowing we'll be together again.

My thoughts are with you today, this 18 month mark of your love's memorial.

[Queeniemary]

Chris, I understand about the kids. My boys call sporadically, one lives in Minnesota and one in Missouri. There is no issue, they are just busy with their own lives. My daughter lives in Harrison, but works, and is involved with a new man in her life. However, for a few months my daughter and her oldest daughter will be living with me, while she and Wayne are looking for a house for them, a dog and three teenage girls! I am not sure if I am going to like the change or not!! I am kind of set in my ways. Sorry you had to go back to work, I understand though, everything has gotten so much more expensive.

Thinking of you, and hoping for peace for you.

QMary

[enna]

I still like your title for this post, Chris. We all need each other's help. No one can take this journey alone.

You are doing what those of us who have lost a soulmate are forced into ~ “slowly learning to cope and adjust but still not the same, or enough.”

I know the pain you talk about when you say that the grief is almost unbearable and filled with sadness and loneliness. You are still early in your grief and these first years are so raw. Our strength is in living each day and slowly we learn how to weave the good memories of our spouses into that living.

Perhaps it is a good thing that you have some outside work you’re doing for anything that distracts us from the aloneness is good. Our age does factor in and sometimes it is necessary to slow down a bit.

I am sorry to hear that you have lost contact with your children. This sounds like a choice they are making since you said that you “reach out and get little or no reply.” Most of us deal with children who are busy with their lives ~ that is how it is supposed to be. I love my daughter and sometimes get disappointed when she becomes too "busy" to call or e-mail me.

Grief changes all of us, Chris. We are not the same as we were before but that does not mean that we have to focus only on the negative. We do not have to take a back seat ~ it is a choice. I think we can choose to be a pain in the butt or we can rise above that and become part of the parade rather than a spectator.

It is not an easy road ~ there are ups and downs but we will get through them because we choose to. This forum is a good place to come ~ it is good to see you here. We do understand.

Anne