I Need Your Help

[MartyT]

Jodi, my dear, I am grateful to you for having the courage to share your views. Good for you! Part of the problem here is that our members are at different points in their grief journeys. Some of us are much further down the road than others. You and Heidi are still very much in the early phases of your grief, much more raw and vulnerable, and I think I completely understand where you are coming from. If you’ve read any of my posts in these forums, you will see how often I’ve acknowledged that having thoughts of not wanting to live in this world without your beloved is a completely NORMAL reaction, most especially during the first months and years of grief.

Pushing anyone “further into a dark, lonely isolation” is the very last thing we’d ever want to do in these forums. I recognize and acknowledge the fact that this is what you are feeling ~ but I honestly do not believe that is a fair assessment of what you have found and will continue to find on this site. You will notice that never have I asked Chris or Heidi to leave this healing circle; on the contrary, I do not want them to leave, because I think they have a lot to teach us about the sheer, raw agony of grief, especially in the early months. I believe that we’ve all done our best to embrace them both and encourage them to stay. At the same time, as I said in my earlier post, I have a responsibility to protect ALL the members on these forums, including Chris and Heidi ~ and when it seems to me that any member’s thoughts of suicide may be more than an expression of a normal desire to reunite with a loved one who has died, I have an obligation to step in. Also, when other members are indicating to me that certain posts are worrying them or disturbing to them, I also have a responsibility to act.

I have no need to reiterate the points I made earlier to Chris and Heidi. Suffice it to say that wanting to be reunited with one’s dead spouse is okay, sharing one’s raw pain is okay, but giving one another explicit and repeated permission to embrace each other’s own death is not okay ~ and deliberately ignoring or discounting or rejecting other members’ genuine efforts to offer support is not okay either.

I’m sorry if the poem and article I posted did not ring true to you. Given where you are in your grief journey, I would not expect them to. But please note that both those pieces were meant specifically for the people to whom they were addressed.

I appreciate your suggestion that we add yet another forum, but I’m not sure that is necessary. If you look over the forums we’ve already designated here, I think you’ll find that we’ve covered many bases already. And as you say, members are free to pick and choose whatever content they want to read on our site. They’re also free to ignore those threads that they find disturbing or upsetting in any way.

It’s good to know that you are seeing a grief counselor, and I hope you will continue to do so. Unlike what you find in an in-person support group, in individual counseling the focus is entirely on you, and you need not worry about listening to or responding to or supporting other people in their pain. This is why we grief counselors encourage the bereaved to wait a while before joining an in-person grief support group, because usually they need some distance from their own raw pain before they can withstand the pain of other grievers, and some time to develop some perspective on their own pain. With an online set of forums like these, one advantage is that (as you wisely observe) we can pick and choose what to read, and decide if and when we want to enter into the discussion.

Finally, I hope you will continue to stay with us, Jodi, and I hope you still feel welcome here. You’ve added something of value to this discussion, and I am very grateful to you for that.

[mfh]

Jodi, What I see in your post is that you took a giant step when you drove to buy that trailer. Sitting down in the dirt and crying reminds me of when I fell shortly after Bill died. I broke some fingers, tore my rotator cuff and yes....wailed on the steps of the bank that I could not take anymore. The tellers came to my rescue, helped me up and hugged me. I understand the emptiness without your Bill because I live it every day without my Bill but in time we learn how to do that with greater peace. I have no desire to shake you....maybe hug you but not shake you. I know you hurt and I also know about being alone because like you, I have no children and no family nearby. Losing your furbaby is huge and I understand the importance of our pets especially at this time and as I have said, I am so very sorry. However, I must say that no one's situation is worse than another's. We can't compare each other's pain and losses and history of losses. We have to "walk a mile in their shoes" to even have a tiny taste what their life is like. Each person is unique and each person's pain and losses are just as important and "bad" or "difficult" as anyone else's. I do hope we see you again...here.

[kayc]

Jodi,

I also want to respond to your referencing someone being told they might want to look for another forum...that was made in response to someone who was so hostile as to even make a potshot at those of us who've lost a husband. Such negativity as that does no one any good, not her, not us, and if she can find another forum that better helps her, that's probably in everyone's best interests. It really has nothing to do with this thread or any posters here.

My children aren't helping me through this, some people's do, some don't. Chris has children nearby but I don't think he feels they get it or help him through it in the way he needs from them. Mary doesn't have children, many here don't, so I think we can relate to your situation.

I am SO sorry you lot your cat. I lost my 19 year old cat a year after my husband died so I can even relate to that.

Yes Marty has her husband, but she lost her child, something you and I have not gone through. To hold them in your arms only to have them taken away...

I think we need to respond in a positive and respectful way to each other here...we all carry our own pain and we can't really compare losses. Each one's loss is the greatest to them. I don't feel you need to stop posting here, you are in pain and need to voice yourself, just remember that if it weren't for Marty, none of us would have this platform on which to reach out for help and understanding.

Also, your going on that long trip WAS a triumph because you did it...that it ended in tears does not doom it to failure. Tears are releasing, something we need.

[liljo]

Dearest Marty,

My most sincere apologies to you. I am so,so very sorry. I had no idea that you had lost your child. This breaks my heart, and makes me cry at my ignorance. I think the loss of a child is probably the most similar to losing a spouse ( though I don't know )

Please , please forgive me.

Love,

Jodi ❤

[liljo]

Dear Marty,

It's me again, I am just panicked at the stupid thing that I had said. How could I be so ignorant ? Now you can see why I never make posts ! I am so very sorry. I have never read the past posts of so many members, so I had no idea of your loss.

Also, I apologize to all the members that love Marty so much - I know that my statement hurt you also.

I won't be able to function today, until I hear from Marty that I am forgiven.

Jodi

[Wifflesnook]

Dear friends

I can't add anything much useful here, but I did think that Kay's reference to certain reiterated remarks about suicide being in danger of being contagious was a valid one. I know my life without Pete often seems meaningless, and I'm one of those who have thought that I'd like to join him wherever he is as soon as possible. But it has only ever been a thought and I would never put it into action. Just getting out of bed even now is hard for me on some days. And I will miss him until I too die. But I've found Some of Chris's postings very hard indeed to read and Heidi - you are still so close to your loss that it's only natural for you to find more meaning in some of the things that you hear from Chris than some you hear from others. We don't compare our pain. How can we? But we respect each other's pain and I hope you will stay here with us. I've found nothing but welcome and love here. The gentle guidance to help us 'heal' (if we ever can) doesn't always mean much in the early days. In some ways I cling to my pain even after two years. But nevertheless I meditate, read many grief books, save poetry. And hope to bring Pete closer. Memories become so important to us and I've been so lucky in the past.

[MartyT]

Jodi, my dear, there is no need for you to apologize to me. When we are mourning the death of a loved one, it IS important to us that the person to whom we are sharing our deepest pain has some personal experience with and understanding of significant loss, most especially if that person purports to be a grief counselor. You have every right to know what qualifies me to speak to you about grief. That is why both Mary and I have included our professional credentials and qualifications on our respective profile pages. (Just click on our names to see those.) ♥

[boogieman]

Great news. Not only am I in contact with our youngest son, he has asked for my help with a situation.

I can help him.

In three of the four last days My Paula has made the effort to and contacted me.

Not only heart-warming but I get a real sense of peace and serenity through our contact.

Exactly that for which I have been searching.

I also consider this as tacit approval of the direction I am ever so slowly inching towards.

Not exactly sure where it will lead but willing to find out with My Loves support and understanding.

[Wifflesnook]

That is great news Chris, and I'm delighted for you. When our beloved partner has died all we have left is to give love to others whilst remembering our beloved ones and keeping them close.

[kayc]

I echo Jan's response, couldn't have put it better!

[Scuppy]

It's great, Chris, that you have a chance to connect with and help your son. I hope this adds meaning to your life and eases your pain.

[boogieman]

Thank you Scuppy. As this is still a day-to-day endeavor I never know, but hold on to what today brings.

Reconciliation and being of assistance to our son is enough for now.

Thank you for your support and kind words.

[boogieman]

My birthday today and having a decent one. Heard from our daughter and got new pics of that great-grandson.

Out for dinner with MIL and SIL. Dinner with my mother and one brother tomorrow.

For my birthday My Love gave me some peace. Love you too My Dear.

Nothing of any importance, I just wanted to talk to someone.

[mfh]

Happy birthday,Chris. So glad you are celebrating with family.

[kayc]

Happy Birthday, Chris! I'm glad you have someone to spend it with, and tomorrow too!

[MartyT]

Sending warmest wishes to you on your special day, dear Chris ~ happy birthday to you!

[Scuppy]

Happy birthday, Chris.

[boogieman]

Thank you all.

[boogieman]

I wasn't going to bother anyone but today is the 13th, the 14 month date of having to admit My Paula into the hospital.

I just wanted to talk to someone as I am so alone.

[Wifflesnook]

I'm sorry Chris. I know the sadness doesn't go away. I hope your day won't be too bad. Jan

[enna]

These days that have special meaning will always send us into a spin, Chris. The second year is a hard one for many. What are you doing for Father's Day?

There are some very helpful links on Marty's www.griefhealing.com wedsite about the second year of loss. You might find them helpful.

Anne

[kayc]

Today is George's birthday. He died on Father's Day, June 19, 2005...so I always have two death days to remember...Father's Day and the 19th. Both conjure up remembrances of the most horrific day of my life. Tonight is my son's second graduation, but tomorrow, Father's Day, will be tough, as will Thursday the 19th.

Chris, I understand all too well about those days, it's very hard. I just try to get through it. It doesn't seem any easier nine years after than it did one year after, not for those days.

[boogieman]

So many days that have significant meanings for us.

I have no plans for Fathers Day. That depends on our children.

My sympathies to you KayC.

[mfh]

I wonder if you writing each of your children a letter today, telling them all the good things you see in them and how it is an honor to be their father would be a good idea....just a thought that entered my mind based on some personal experience of my own.

[boogieman]

I did get to speak to our children so no need to write.

A good idea though given different circumstances.