I Need Your Help

[boogieman]

Thank you Ladies. Sometimes a shoulder to cry on is enough for a moment.

Had I any control over anything I might see things differently, but I have little.

Congrats KayC on the grandchild. Praying for you all.

And I have yet to even consider taking my wedding ring off. Never will do that. Can't.

I am a great-grandfather 4 times over now. Never see any of them.

One is in Charleston, WVa, one in Anchorage, Alaska, two in Dayton, Ohio.

[kayc]

I doubt I'll see mine a lot as they're 2 1/2 hours away and I'm limited financially on spending too much on gas. I wish they were in the same town so I could babysit but I always knew it would not be that way as my son's profession means he has to live near a big city and I'm in the country. It just is what it is!

[boogieman]

Greetings. I haven't been on-site for quite some time now. This week is the 37 month anniversary of MY Paula's passing. I am and have been in a deep, deep, depression since the 13th. Spending 22 hours a day in bed is a great escape and hideaway from the horror of sadness and loneliness I face daily. I find the effort to face and interact with the cold uncaring world impossible to bear.  I realize I am becoming a recluse and isolationist more each lonely passing day. Unless forced to do so I don't leave our house, ever. Chain smoking cigarettes, my life has devolved to less than nothing. Even considering paying for home delivery of groceries so I do not have to leave here. Not a big deal as I spend less than $100/month on food anyway. But then what does it matter either way. Maybe not the best solution but my solution just the same.

My relationship with My Love has passed but I find myself still passionately in love with the love of my life. And will always be so.  My life without her is so much less than I could ever anticipate or expect. And it deepens and worsens daily. Clinging desperately to the past with My Love is all I have left. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Cookie]

Boogieman:  There have got to be solutions for us.  I at almost a year and feeling worse than several months ago.  Wish there was a rule book as to how to navigate this.  I have heard that it can take anywhere from 2-4 years to come to terms with deep grief, so hang in there.  Hugs to you....Cookie

[MartyT]

My friend, it's good to hear from you ~ but I am so sorry to learn that at this point in your grief journey ~ more than three years in ~ you're feeling very little if any progress or forward movement. You've taken an important step by posting here. Now, I pray that you will take another step and get yourself in to see your primary care physician as soon as possible. I don't know when you last had a complete physical exam, but that is the place to start. Given the way you are feeling, I suspect that you're not taking the best care of yourself right now, and your doctor needs to know that, so you can get yourself moving onto a healthier path. I also urge you to see a qualified grief counselor, even if only for a session or two. Sometimes all we need at this point is a "tune-up," but an assessment by a professional who can guide you toward making healthy choices and moving through your grief in a positive direction is certainly indicated ~ and I hope you'll waste no time in reaching out for the support you need and deserve. Please know that your call for help has been heard. We care about you and want to know that you're taking good care of you.  ♥

[kayc]

Chris,

I am sorry to hear you're doing worse.  I know how hard it is to try to go on without your beloved, I know it takes extreme effort and work to create a life for yourself afterwards.  And you're right Janice (Cookie), for me what I had at about three years is what I had to live with, and I worked hard at my grief.  I accepted that I'll spend the rest of my life alone and although it was never my preference and I continue to miss George, it is what it is.  I have many wonderful memories with him that bring me smiles...and longing.

Chris, I really really encourage you to see a grief counselor and also see a doctor about your depression...your funk has lasted too long to let it go.  You've always touched my heart and it breaks for you to think what you're going through.  There is hope but sometimes we're the only one that can look for and find it, nobody can do it for us.  And I won't even preach at you about the chain smoking.  I know it has been a way to calm you and I also know you don't care much about your life and just want to be with your Paula...make her proud, Chris, do what you can for yourself until you can be together again.  And I'm glad you're here.

[KATPILOT]

Marty and Kay have some good advice Chris. It's good to see your words again and just know that people care about you.

[Gwenivere]

I don't know about time tables in grief except there are none.  I know that becoming isolated is tempting but can feed on itself.  I've kinda been forced into it being sick for weeks.  I think the advice here to get out is good, tho probably the last thing you want to hear.  I wish I knew more to say except in many ways I can relate.  

[MartyT]

Gwen, you are absolutely right about there being no time tables ~ no argument there. I certainly do not mean to imply that anyone should be over and done with any significant loss at any time. But if Chris is feeling as he describes at the three-year mark and beyond, it's important for him to see his physician to rule out any physical problems that may be going on, and to know that there is bereavement support available to him. It is never too late to do the work of mourning, and sometimes it helps to seek out the assessment and, if indicated, the in-person support of a qualified grief counselor ~ no matter how long it's been since the death of a loved one.

[kayc]

No one is mentioning time tables.  I said what I had at three years is what I had to live with, pure and simple.  Certainly the grief work we put in makes a difference, so do our own particular coping skills.  Still, sleeping the preponderance of the day is not a good sign, sounds like depression going on and well deserving of seeing the doctor.

[LAK]

Chris, I read your first post from 3 years ago just now, what a beautiful love story.  Many people don't experience what you and your wife had.  I am so sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing your story.  I know you don't feel very lucky now, but you were both lucky to have found each other.

I just wanted to chime in with the others saying to please reach out for some help.  I have been on Celexa for almost 3 years, started while my husband was actually doing very well and doubled the dosage after he died.  I also take Ativan at night to help me sleep because bed time is the worst time of day for me.  There is no shame in taking medications like this when you need them.  I also benefited greatly from both a bereavement group and one-on-one grief therapy.  I had never gone through either type of therapy before and wasn't sure if it would be "my thing" but it has really helped me.  It still hurts to work with a therapist, but this intense grief we all have has to be worked through.

Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.

Linda

 

[MartyT]

Linda, I so appreciate your sharing your personal experience, and I hope that Chris will take it to heart. Your post reminds me of the saying, 

If you want to know what lies ahead, ask someone on the way back!

[boogieman]

Greetings again my fellow survivors. Had this feeling I needed to touch base again. In an attempt to try to "live" again, I was able to spend 30 glorious days with 2 of our grand children and 4 of our great-grandchildren in Anchorage, Alaska. The entire month of July as a matter of fact. Saw some spectacular vistas and did some amazing things.

  Now back home I have fallen back into my old patterns of staying up most all night every night, sleeping until late morning or early afternoon daily, and having nothing to do until going back to bed before sundown to lay awake alone in agony all night again. The euphoria of being with family lasted only as long as I was with family. Now alone again I see exactly how lonely my life was and still is, without My Love beside me. This month, on the 16th, marks the 40th month of her passing. and it fills me completely with sadness yet again.

  In a side note I am still not eating as I have no appetite and have lost yet another 10 #s in the last month, even while on vacation. Down to 215#, none of my clothes fit again. Time to waste even more money on clothes I have no desire to buy as I have no desire to go anywhere to be seen in them. The "stigma" of feeling so blatantly sad and alone is, to me, glaringly obvious to everyone. I don't want to be seen that way but feel that way just the same. Perhaps that is what I project but have no choice as that is exactly how I feel constantly. 

  Although I was able to set aside theses deep seated feelings to a degree while on vacation, the grief was patiently waiting for my return, right where I left it.

  My mother, 86, passed away  this past April 19, the date of My Love's memorial service 36 months prior. As it has been said, "Dates that will live in infamy", my memory anyway.

  Not being a wealthy man I can't afford professional help. My Medicare will not cover the costs and the Hospice support has long been withdrawn, not to mention the cost of medications, leaving me no recourse but to face matters alone.

  So another long hot summer remains, and I remain also.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[KATPILOT]

I'm sorry to hear about what's happening in your life. When I first started reading I felt a happiness that you had that time in Alaska but reading further I see how things have been upon returning. Help is not limited to the wealthy man. Sound advice and resources are available right here for Marty knows more than we can imagine. Veterans are here too who have been through a lot for more years than you have endured yet although forty months has been no picnic.. You mention a few different issues that you are dealing with. The first one that grabbed my attention is the weight loss and eating. If your body weight is less than it should be, I would suggest that be your first priority. It's been over three years which may indicate a medical issue. I had some medical things going on which I attributed to grief but found out later were not. Does medicare not cover a yearly health check up? It's got to be useful for something. Please read what others will be saying on your thread. I know there just has to be a way out of this dark place you find yourself in. I wish you could be closer to the grandkids and family. They do wonders for me and I take them for medical purposes of course.

Hang in there Chris.

[MartyT]

Chris, I'm wondering how that trip to Alaska came about. You seem to have done fairly well while you were among members of your family. What made the difference, do you think? 

Since you're back here with us now, I hope you'll take time to review the posts in this very thread, and take to heart some of the wise advice that's been offered to you already.

You say you cannot afford professional help and hospice support has been withdrawn, but please don't let that stop you. There are still other alternatives available to you. Call your hospice or local funeral home and ask what bereavement services are offered in your community. Hospice bereavement offices and mortuaries are aware of such services and most maintain good referral lists; they will know of grief support groups offered at no cost, and some counselors will see you on a sliding scale according to your ability to pay. 

I agree with Stephen about your dramatic weight loss and lack of appetite. Please check in with your primary care physician to rule out anything physical that may be causing this. Grief work is hard work, and you need to be as healthy as you can be in order to engage in it.

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

When I get really lonely I come on here.  I can read what others are saying and I usually feel less lonely because it is a comfort to me knowing that there are other great people that understand what I'm thinking and feeling.  

I hope you will find some of Marty's suggestions helpful in getting yourself some care.  

Marita

[kayc]

Chris,

It's so good to hear from you!  I'm glad you got a month with your grands, that sounds wonderful, AK is beautiful, I've always wanted to visit there!

I wish we lived closer, I'd love to have someone to do nothing with, because I sometimes find myself up all hours too.    I'm sorry to hear about your mom...mine passed away two years ago Aug. 21st.  She had a lot of problems in life but I find myself missing her.

And quit losing weight, I keep finding it!

[boogieman]

Appreciate the concern. The trip north was a birthday/fathers day gift from our daughter. And I wanted to go see the new great grand daughter too, now 8 weeks old. Number 9 for us now! While there I was caught-up in the summer time activities and families, Lots to do especially with 24 hours of sunlight for several days. Unique to be able to be outside at 2 to 4am in sunlight. People out mowing yards, washing cars, kids playing, even grilling out. My mental attitude was a big positive too. For the first time I was comfortable being without My Love. Always aware of her not being there but manageable for me. A long and slow process for sure.

I don't consider my weight loss extreme. 10#s in 30 days is not such a big deal, is it? And now 130# in 39 months total. Food is terribly expensive there and I was busy doing other things. Eating not a priority.  I intend to get down to 200 or less again someday. As long as I can navigate around and feel acceptably well I see no harm. I'm liking the look of a slimmer me. I'm at 215# now.

I was not aware that no cost options were available, Marty.

I have a chance to go to England soon if I can get some finances in order. I want to go there. I need to go there. I have been invited by a very nice lady I met here on this forum some time ago. Maybe soon that will come to pass.

So life goes on despite my reluctance to participate fully. I still feel a devotion and dedication to My Love, just as she does to her late husband.

 

[MartyT]

You sound much more upbeat in this post than you did earlier, Chris, and I am relieved. No, a ten-pound loss in a month's time is not "such a big deal" as long as you have the weight to lose. My concern stemmed from your saying you had no appetite and were not eating ~ and not sleeping much either. If you are happy with your current weight, good for you! Your trip to England sounds wonderful, and I hope everything falls into place so you can go. And of course you still feel a devotion and dedication to your Paula ~ but you are still here, and you still have your own life to live. I wish you nothing but the very, very best  ♥

[boogieman]

As you well know, there are cycles that come and go during stages of grief. Some days, even hours between emotional highs and lows, emotions ebb and flow. At least this has been my experience. Down then up, or up and then suddenly down.  This applies to my appetite also. Hungry then not hungry. Buy or prepare something to eat then not want it or anything. So I eat when I get hungry which is very seldom, maybe once a day. Then nothing of any substance is enough. Pop tarts, one corny dog, half a sandwich, a couple of pancakes, a bowl of cereal or soup, etc.  As for not sleeping, that is fairly consistent day-in and day-out. Although there are yet several sleepless nights every month or so. The sadness and loneliness bears heavily those nights.

Another cycle I am dealing with now is the sensation of becoming a singular person again, not a couple as with My Love. There seems to be no balance or counter-balance without her. Some days I can accept this, reluctantly. Others, I feel very depressed at being so alone and lonely. It comes and goes as it will. I begrudgingly accept that I have a life of my own to be lived somehow, then the crash comes as I feel so guilty that that life does not include or revolve around My Love with whom I shared the majority of my past life with. This new life as a single person is so foreign and somehow uncomfortable as it has been thrust upon me against my wishes and desires. Most certainly not of my choosing as I struggle with the concept of being without My Love. Finding a new identity separate from and independent of My Love is so foreign to me. It is scary to have to start over when all I ever wanted was My Love. Where to begin, how to proceed, what direction to take.

So my personal emotional roller-coaster careens ever onward taking me to places new, strange, foreign, uncomfortable, and scary. A journey of rediscovery I never wanted to take.

 

[kayc]

Chris, this sounds wonderful, and I hope you get to make the trip.  It helps to be around others who have been through it and understand.
And as long as you're eating enough to get proper nutrition, I see the weight loss as a bonus, no doubt from extra activity and less intake.   Try adding a smoothie to your diet to get fruit & vegetables in, I make spinach/banana/orange juice/strawberry or kale/celery/banana/applesauce/lemon juice ones.  I have one a day.  If you want the amounts, message me.

Congratulations on the great grandchild!  I just got my first grandchild 14 1/2 months ago, I wish I could see her more than I do!  

It took me a good long while to adjust to being me, just me, and not feeling the need to be part of a couple, but I finally got there!  Of course my life with George was my preference, but being as that is off the table now...

Wishing you nothing but the best...and if you do get to make that trip, let us know about it, okay?

[boogieman]

Thank you Kayc.  While I was away my granddaughter admonished me several times for my eating schedule and habits. "You can't loose weight eating like that".  I am 68 and eat what I want when I want.  I'm too old to worry about that sort of thing. An occasional smoothie sounds great but fruit will spoil before I get around to eating it. Plus, I have lost most of my taste sensation so not much tastes good either.

Being alone is unnatural. We are made to "belong" to another for all the obvious reasons. Not the least of which is a longer lifespan. I know me fairly well and tend to fall into old habits and traits without My Paula "to keep me on my toes" in a manner of speaking.  I was much more happy and comfortable being half of a couple. I need to be needed. It brings out the best of me.

How long after George passed before you realized you were indeed alone, and how long before you became accepting of your new life? These are all  new sensations/revelations/adjustments to me as I grope my way through this maze of confusion and conflicting scenarios.

Do you ever feel any "guilt" about your "new life" without George?  Is there a lingering resentment over his being taken from you?

I only ask these intrusions into your personal life as you are someone I tend to trust. I mean nothing derogatory nor do I wish to "open old wounds" should they be too personal. You may PM me if you so choose.

[kayc]

I think I knew I was alone when everyone went home and left me to deal with my grief, so not very long.  I agree, I was made to be half a couple too, but I'm the only half left, so...

No I don't feel guilt continuing my life...I feel like he was the lucky one, I'm the one left having to deal with everything.  Resentment?  No, it probably took me the better part of a year to figure out there wasn't anyone to blame, God neither, and there were no resounding answers to my "why" so I quit asking.  Instead it was more just trying to figure out how to do my life without him.

Thank you for the instilled trust, I rather imagine everyone takes a different path with their grief and a different timetable.  I tried to look for positives in my journey from two weeks out, from what I hear here, that is irritating to other grievers.  Oh well, I guess we're all different.  I've found my attitude and focus has been very helpful on my journey, but that doesn't mean I never get down.  The middle of the night seems the toughest part for me.  Whenever I lost my job or broke my right elbow, or I had my surgery or went through my mom's dementia journey, I felt pretty alone.  Thank God for this place!  At least I can come here and pour my heart out and feel there's SOMEONE that understands and cares!

[Gwenivere]

This thread got me thinking about resentment and how it affects me.  It was so easy in the beginning to his death to blame the cancer.  Things shifted a lot as time passed, even to resentment to Steve.  While he suffered, he was set free.  Now I am alone trying to process how to live life alone.  It's taboo to say some things anywhere but here, but right now I feel I cannot forgive him for leaving (this, of course is totally irrational as he didn't want to).  I look at what this has done to living now and have to work thru it.  My love for him is not at all diminished, probably stronger.  Yet, I feel he has hurt me in the worst way possible and we certainly had our share of that just being a couple.  It's my focus in counseling right now.   Anger needs a target.  I am surrounded by him in this house so he is always on my mind and reminders of how his leaving changed every aspect of life, only some I am slowly getting back.  Even they are hard to hold onto sometimes because they are not solidified yet.  Yup, I'm mad at him big time.  But he knew me and would expect nothing less.  What a 'discussion' it would be if he was here.  I truly want to forgive him and the whole situation so I don't feel so strangled by it.  I have yet to figure that out.

[kayc]

Gwen,

It's common and understandable to blame them for leaving.  We feel abandoned sometimes.  The thing to remember is our feelings don't have to have basis in rationale, they just are and we live with them and deal with them.  It's okay to feel anger, even unjustified or unexplainable or lacking in sense.  It just is and we get through it.  It doesn't usually last, thankfully.