Didn't Have To Happen

[blueiis325]

Hello, My name is Loretta, and I am new at this site and my first post.

To give you a little of my story, Rod and I met on 8-11-2009. Rod had a stroke from an accident at work (framer) and while having back surgery, that is when the stroke accured. He could not use his left arm, and wore a brace on his left left to walk. This happened before I met him. We were married 10-09-2010. Since I am left handed, I told him he could be my right hand and I would be his left. He had so much life in him regardless of what his challenges were in life. He humbled me about life about everyday of what I took for granted.

At the age of 18, he had melanoma cancer, was cured of that. He was born blind in the left eye and his right eye was weak, but he drove, not very well in my opinion (lol). If he could not do something because of his condition, he found a way. We had a lot of homemade tools around. He still had that carpenter blood in him. He and I did the majority of the remodeling of our house. I wasnt aware I would become a plumber, electrician and many other traits, but I didn't mind.

After carrying around his useless arm for about 12 years he decided to have it amputed on Dec 5th, 2012. The surgery was very successful. I would walk with him in the aisles of the hospital and he couldn't believe it how great it felt. His posture was better, his walking was better. He had the surgery onTuesday afternoon and was sent home on Thursday evening. He was given scripts for his pain, but he barely needed them. On the way home he thanked me for being there for him. I told him "in sickness and in heath remember". On the way home we went by the pharmacy to get meds filled. I took him home, still in a great mood, going outside and listening to his waterfall he missed. I went back to get the meds, and not once was I asked did he ever take these meds before, they only verified our address. He was not on pain meds at all before the surgery happened. The meds they wanted him to take was meds that are given to patients with severe pain prior, like cancer patients. He had morphine in the hospital, but changed it to oxycodine for his home meds the same day he went home. I gave him his meds by the clock and the directions we were given. The next morning I found him dead in our bed when I went to give him his meds. Reason for dealth was mixed medication intoxication, mainly oxycodine. With his reg night meds the oxy was too much for him and he just went into a deep sleep, like putting an animal down.

I am still very angry, sad and have alot of mixed emotions with his death. It didn't have to happen. I am a christian, but things like this just makes it hard to understand. He spoiled me rotten, not with material things, but wth his love and when he told me he loved me I knew he meant it, not just say it out of habit. I am going to start going to the support groups hoping it will help heal my heart. The only thing good that came out of this is he had two days of bliss without that arm holding him back.

Thank you for reading and I welcome posts.

[Wifflesnook]

Oh Loretta

I am in England and my husband died last year. It's getting late here and I know you will get some loving posts soon, but I just wanted to say how very very sorry I am and I am so glad you have posted here. It has helped me so much. What can I say to help you? Only that we all know what it is like to lose a beloved partner. Jan

[feralfae]

Dear Loretta,

I am so very sorry you have lost your Rod. I lost Doug 18 months ago. There are many of us here to help to ease your loss and help you find your way through this Valley of the Shadow, but we are also each on our own, individual path, so take from us what feels right for your heart, and join us here, and welcome, dear one.

I know you are entirely broken-hearted and at loss now, with no anchors or compass, and I hope you have a grief counselor as well. I could not have made it this far to times of peace had it not been for all the loving compassion I have had from my own grief counselor, who assured my I was not insane, and truly still within the normal range. My support group here helped some, but my healing and growth have been strengthened and deepened by the wonderful people here, around Marty's fire. Some of us call this our tribe, and I am glad you have come to join us. Anger is common here: I do occasional rants. This is a safe place to be angry.

There were so many medical mistakes with Doug. It was almost a comedy of errors, except that there is no laughter or smiles about it. We actually had to escape one hospital, and jet ambulance to another. These days, I refer friends to Ayurvedic, holistic, alternative healing. But when I had recent surgery, I am very thankful for my spine and neurosurgeon, who fixed my spine.

Loretta, I hope you are eating well, drinking lots of pure water, and having lots of organic vegetables and fruits. Make yourself a fruit bowl and set it on the table. Remember to eat some every day. Have protein, and lots of water. You must take care of you, dear one. I hope you are finding five or ten minutes of peace and meditation time every day, too.

Blessings and Much Love,

and the usual fairy dusting of happy hums and {{{hugs}}} for you

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

Hello Loretta,

Your story has touched my heart. I am so very sorry for the loss of your Rod. After all he had gone through to have something that didn't have to happen seems so unfair. You have a right to be angry. You have a right to be sad. I am glad that you found this place. People are very caring here and many know the pain you are suffering. I am glad that you will seek support. Talking really does heal. How beautiful that you found a positive in all this - the surgery being a success and your Rod having a few good days. Anne

[kayc]

Oh Loretta,

I am so sorry! Your story makes me cry. I, too, am a Christian, but like they say, bad things happen to good people, and I don't know why. you're right, it didn't have to happen. I am by nature, analytical, yet through my experiences, I've learned not to over-analyze, some of the answers may not be forthcoming, I've had to learn to accept the things that have happened and do my best to go from there. It's hard. You have found a very good place here, we'll all scoot over and make room for one more, for this is a positive place of acceptance and healing and we are all walking this journey together. And we could use a plumber, an electrician, a carpenter, etc.!

My George shouldn't have died either. He went to the doctor, complained about his symptoms, time and again, yet was never sent on for tests that would have showed his heart condition. It could have been prevented if it'd been caught in time, but we didn't know, he looked the picture of health, wasn't overweight. From a spiritual standpoint, I don't know. I just assume God knows a whole lot more about everything than I do...but I went through a period where I questioned everything...it's been eight years for me, so I've had plenty of time getting where I am. I just know that those early days/months/years are hard, and it really helped having this place to come to where I could cry out and be heard, where there was always someone here.

We'll be here for you too.

Kay

[HAP]

Dear Loretta,

I am so sorry for what has happened to you and your Rod. I am days short of 32 months from the death of my wife Jane from a form of cancer that should have been detected years before it was. I understand your pain and anger too well.

But you have come to the right place. This is a healing place filled with caring people who have been where you are and truly do know what you are going through because of that. We will listen, we will hear, we will try to console you in this most difficult of losses. The healing you face will be as much physical as it is mental and emotional. All three things are tied together. We all try to keep an eye on each other.

Self-care needs to be a priority. It is good that you are trying to find a physical grief group. You need that kind of support as well. An electronic hug is just not the same as a physical one. That said, consider yourself spiritually hugged by all of us here.

But there are physical concerns, as well, beyond that. First and foremost, you need to make sure you stay hydrated. Grief is, somehow, thirsty work. One of the quickest ways for me to slide into depression is to allow myself to get dehydrated. You also need to eat healthy and have your meals on a regular schedule. Some people eat when they get depressed. Others stop eating. Neither is good for you. Neither is alcohol. I stopped drinking entirely for nearly a year after Jane died--and I was not what anyone would call a drinker before that--I'd have a glass of wine with dinner every couple of weeks. But I knew that if I allowed myself to I could get lost in there for a very long time--and that when I finally came out things would not be better but worse.

Exercise regularly. Take long walks--or short ones; do yoga; go to the gym--but some amount of exercise needs to be part of your regular routine. Exercise gets the brain to release endorphins that will make you feel better and sharper. And it will give you a physical release for the emotions you are feeling. You should see your doctor, however, before you start any exercise program that is much above what is normal for you. A regular physical is something you should schedule for yourself in any event.

It is also a good idea to establish regular daily routines. I make the bed every day, do the dishes after every meal, clean a specific room, set a time for writing, etc. I find a messy house depresses me so I do what I have to do to avoid that. I try to keep to a regular sleep schedule--though that does not always work. I shower every day--and shave and brush my hair and teeth. No one would notice most days if I did not but I find the routines help me deal with the emptiness that i think plagues all of us.

But most of all, let yourself grieve. Cry when the urge comes over you--scream when you need to. We've all left stores and other public spaces more than once when we felt we had to. You are hurting--and for right this very now that is all that matters. There is no right or wrong way to do this--there is only your way. Some of us go to the cemetery every day, some of us go once a week, some only on special dates--and I have known some people who do not go at all. The only question you need concern yourself with is, what do you need to do?

Do write here frequently. Read what others post. Both things will help you confront your own grief.

We are here when you need us.

Again, I cannot express how sorry we all are that you have experienced this loss there are no words to adequately describe--or that are adequate to truly console you. My father said to me after Jane died--he having lost my mother just months before--that now I knew there was nothing anyone could say that would make this feel any better. He was right about the words. But he did not understand that sometimes actions can bring greater consolation than anything anyone can say. The writer Spider Robinson suggests that shared sorrow is lessened while shared joy is multiplied. That is part of what we try to do here for each other.

Be welcome here.

Peace,

Harry

[blueiis325]

Thank you everyone for your advise all kind words. I had to laugh had to were telling me I needed to take care of myself, drink water, eat fruit and vegatables, I had barriactric surgery about 7 years ago and that is all I heard.lol..But then again it is true. I am almost there to join a gym to go after I get home from work until of sitting down on my frompt. I do work a high stressfull job, but going to the gym so help me with that. Since my husband died I have had oly two eeks straight alone, someone was always here for me. I love my family and friends. I have a daughter and son in law who live local with 4 grandkids which are my life. I do keep in tought with Rod's parents they are getting up in age and I try and help them when I can, take her to run her errands on a Saturday. I also have a son who just turned 25. He lives and is a senior in college this year so I will be going out there. He knws I am coming but not his two aunts so that will be a nice surprise. My granddbabies and kids loved Rod. He was closer to mine then his children, why I dont know because he loved all his kids, grandkids blended or not.

Sometimes its just those little things that creep up on you. I am so used to going to the grocery store. Last year we had my brother in law and sister living with us, so there were 4 people, now its down to one. I can go to the store if I knew what I was getting, but to just to you weekly shopping, be yourelf and it was oerwheing I had a meltdown, went to the parking lot and was crying saying when the heck do you buy for one person. It was strange because both sisters just happen to text me asking how I am doing...I told her I was in the parking lot crying because there isnt any food to buy just for ne that isnt to expensive. I guess I am going to have to invest in a freeze machine. Freezer bags still burn the meet....and the was my experience for the past week, did anyone have a melt down this week also, I hope Im not the only one......Love to hear them

[KarenK]

Loretta,

I am so very sorry that you have lost your husband, Rod. The behavior of the pharmacy is unforgivable, to put it very mildly. I would be angry, also.

Rod sounds like an amazing guy, and I'm glad you found each other to brighten your lives.

I lost my husband, Ron, 3 months ago. His death was caused by several factors, including a delay in treatments due to the almighty medical profession. Am I mad? Yes, & I would express it in a much stonger way, but I'm sure that is not permitted here. There are more & more medical mistakes each day. It makes me even angrier that I still have the privilege of making a payment each month to those who contributed to his death. Kind of ironic, isn't it. In time, you may let go of your anger. I haven't, but that's just me. Most of the time, it resides on the back burner.

This is a very nice group of people and each have given you good suggestions on taking care of yourself & moving forward at your own pace.

It is also helpful that you are not alone most of the time. After 3 months, I am beginning to accept my "solitary confinement". Many here have pets that help to stave off the lonliness. I have a cat, but he is not much for conversation.

I know what you mean about grocery shopping and deciding what to fix for "one". I do have a large freezer & a "foodsaver" helps to pack meats after putting them in proportions for one. I freeze a lot of leftovers. LOL

As for meltdowns, I don't seem to have them anymore. At first, I couldn't state that I had recently lost my husband to anyone without falling apart. That seems to have gotten better. For myself, I have learned that "it is what is" and no amount of crying will change it. There again, that is only for me. Some people find it cathartic to shed tears and that is fine too.

Do what is right for you, in your own time.

Karen

[kayc]

Getting groceries was the hardest thing for me to do after George died, but it eventually got easier. Going to church was hard because I was on the morning worship team, and when I'd look out at the congregation, I was used to seeing my biggest fan smiling up at me...and seeing that blank spot in the pew was hard to take...even harder when it was filled with someone else. I learned to sit in a different spot.

Somehow all of these things work themselves out but they're hard to go through.

We've all had meltdowns, it's not a stranger to any of us. Sometimes unexpectedly with the weirdest triggers. We learn to accept this as just part of it. I don't have them much anymore, although I did have one a while back.

[Queeniemary]

Loretta, I am so very sorry for your loss, and very glad that you have had such good support from family and friends. I also was very fortunate for that same type of support. You have chosen a very good site to come to, I have been here since April, 2010 and not sure I would have made it as well without these wonderful people. My husband Mike died very unexpectedly on January 13, 2010, of a massive coronary while I was in the hospital 1 1/2 hours away, just having had a total knee replacement 2 days before. He had not been ill, or exhibited any symptoms at all. I had talked to him just hours before his death on the phone, and he did not complain of anything. Yes, fruit, vegetables, and water, I remember the mantra well, I also had a gastric bypass about 10 years ago.

I do know the grocery thing can be stressful. I found myself for months, still going to the section where the Sams diet no caffine soda was stored....Mike drank them all the time.

Do I still have melt downs....occasionally, not like I did the first year, but still occasionally something will become a trigger, and I will melt down. They don't last as long now, and are not as often, but I think they will happen all the rest of my life.

Again, so very sorry for your loss, and hope you keep coming here. There are many wise people on this site (not me) and Marty the moderator is wonderful.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[Guest babylady]

dear loretta,

so sorry for your loss. my hubby died a little over a year ago from an inoperable brain tumor. we were together almost 42 years.

this site has been very helpful.

arlene

[KATPILOT]

Yes Loretta,

I ad my sympathy for the grief you are enduring now. Since you live in the valley, I am sure there is a hospice grief support group you would find helpful. I sure got a lot out of it. I can only say that what you have gone through I cannot truly know but all of us have our own unique grief and the truth is it just hurts. This site is a safe house. It is a place where you can come to share, listen, and sometimes learn. It's a place where you can find tools to keep going when it gets rough. Welcome!

Stephen

I was just thinking about how many of our loved one's left too soon or had such a wrongful pass. I know this doesn't help much to say but, I knew that Kathy was in deep trouble but I couldn't get the doctors to move fast and we lost precious time. From the time she felt that lump in her thigh we started to explore what it was. It took a month before they started the radiation and chemo. Seven weeks later she was gone. I don't have anger. I guess I never did. No one wanted her to die. The profession is just what it is. (not the greatest). I just feel bad for her. I couldn't save her and I think about that all the time. It can't bring her back so it wastes my time to be angry at anyone even God. Anger just takes away the time I could be spending thinking about her, loving her still.