Wifflesnook Posted September 30, 2013 Report Share Posted September 30, 2013 I've been really ill for over a week now, a very bad attack of irritable bowel syndrome sparked off by an emotional experience I won't bother you with. The ibs is totally debilitating. I haven't had one this bad since this time last year. I can be bothered to do anything except lie about. I didn't eat for three days and I feel very weak. Obviously I'm feeling very sorry for myself. Today it seems to have been added to by a deep depression. I've been helped by Mary and Anne sending me warm loving and helpful messages privately but they said I should share with you because you are my tribe and should know how I'm doing. So I am. I'm not sure how to lift myself out of this deep trough. I've got our daughter and two little grand daughters coming for the weekend on Friday and somehow I've got to get myself better by then. Maybe just sharing my pain here might help. I know you have all been in this situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted September 30, 2013 Report Share Posted September 30, 2013 I've been really ill for over a week now, a very bad attack of irritable bowel syndrome sparked off by an emotional experience I won't bother you with. The ibs is totally debilitating. I haven't had one this bad since this time last year. I can be bothered to do anything except lie about. I didn't eat for three days and I feel very weak. Obviously I'm feeling very sorry for myself. Today it seems to have been added to by a deep depression. I've been helped by Mary and Anne sending me warm loving and helpful messages privately but they said I should share with you because you are my tribe and should know how I'm doing. So I am. I'm not sure how to lift myself out of this deep trough. I've got our daughter and two little grand daughters coming for the weekend on Friday and somehow I've got to get myself better by then. Maybe just sharing my pain here might help. I know you have all been in this situation. Jan, it is good to see you here. No "shoulds" about posting here but I am glad you did. Everyone here is willing to help and support you. I know you would not "bother" anyone here if you chose to tell your story about the ibs. You may choose not to but please do not make that choice because you think it would bother any of us here...I know everyone here cares about you and will listen with love. Peace to you today, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted September 30, 2013 Report Share Posted September 30, 2013 Hi Jan, I just sent a private message. I am also sending lots of good wishes and *<fairy dust>* and hopes you can get some relief from the IBS. I know that can be terribly painful. I am not sure there is any proven medication for this, and I am hoping that maybe the BRAT diet will help. It helped me a lot while I was sorting out the celiac problems. I wish I could think of ways to help you. I hope you are doing lots of meditation to help clear the stressful energy. Meanwhile, come here and be with us and we will be with you as you heal. I am sending more good thoughts and holding you through this time. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted September 30, 2013 Author Report Share Posted September 30, 2013 Dear friends This illness was triggered by the unwanted attentions of a male friend (only intimate kisses but my reaction was amazing to me). He has been getting closer over the past few months, closer than I wanted but I hadn't realised how much I had come to mean to him and I was too kind. I now have to pick up the pieces. I've always known how close the emotions are to the body but this has certainly taught me how close mine are. I may have to break off the friendship completely which I didn't want to do, but he doesn't understand deep deep everlasting grief. I am lonely, and seeing him regularly has become quite important to me, and unfortunately more so, much more, to him. I'd never hidden that my grief for Pete meant that I would never want anything more than friendship, but sometimes people just don't hear what you are are saying. This has been a huge lesson to me, and it's set me back months and months. There is no doubt that the relationship, such as it was on my part, did get in the way of my grieving, and now after this crisis I feel as though I have to begin again. I feel deeply depressed now, as well as still ill. I know I am the only one that can pull myself back together but I also know there is much wisdom here that I can draw upon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted September 30, 2013 Report Share Posted September 30, 2013 Thank you for sharing this with our forum, Jan. It took courage and humility to put this out for others to see. You know that you are not the first nor will you be the last to have allowed your emotions to go where you did not intend them to go. I know you will do what is in your heart and what is best for you. It needs to be what is best for you. You need not be 'depressed' for being human. I believe that all of our actions are a part of our journeys and in the end we will know what is best for each one of us. You know you do have decisions to make about your friend. If he does not understand your need for friendship and wants more then you know what you have to do. One thing we learn on this journey is that we are alone but we do not have to be lonely. You know, I walk with you. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest babylady Posted September 30, 2013 Report Share Posted September 30, 2013 jan -- i'm so sorry to hear this. as someone who suffers with IBS on a daily basis i understand. sending you a hug. arlene Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted September 30, 2013 Report Share Posted September 30, 2013 Jan, I am so sorry that you are sick, and I hope by the time you read this you are much better. I am saddened for you that the friendship may have to fade out. We are lonely, and we do get comfortable with someone being there for us a lot. It is too bad he could not take you at your word, and believe that just friendship is all you wanted. I have a close friend, Tom, and friendship is what we have, both of us. He lost his wife about 4 months before I lost Mike, and he and I have discussed this. Neither of us is looking for a romantic relationship, but we are probably best friends. He is a couple of years younger, he and my younger brother were in the same class in high school, and best friends their senior year. We travel some together, and spend a lot of time together. I am sorry that your friend did not understand your needs. Hope you are much better soon. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted September 30, 2013 Author Report Share Posted September 30, 2013 Dear QueenieMary You made me feel a little less stupid for thinking a Platonic friendship could work. I'm not sure if it's possible to put the clock back now but we will see. I'm feeling a bit better and sharing has helped. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted September 30, 2013 Report Share Posted September 30, 2013 Dear QueenieMary You made me feel a little less stupid for thinking a Platonic friendship could work. I'm not sure if it's possible to put the clock back now but we will see. I'm feeling a bit better and sharing has helped. Jan, you are far from stupid...that word can not even be thought of in relationship to you. Platonic friendships can work out if both people want them to. Obviously your friend did not want that and did not respect your messages to him. I am so glad sharing here has helped you. Good for you to be brave enough to share and vulnerable enough to share. Peace, my friend, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest babylady Posted September 30, 2013 Report Share Posted September 30, 2013 Jan -- don't know how old your friend is, but with viagara it's hard to have a platonic relationship with a man. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1031275/Save-flirty-old-men.html http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/07/08/viagra-womens-health_n_892731.html not saying your friend is like the man described in the first link. just making a point. i remember when viagara came out. someone said "no one asked 65 year old women if they wanted their husbands chasing them". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted October 1, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 1, 2013 Thanks for helpful messages. I am feeling a little better and coming to terms with what happened I think. I think I've learnt some hard lessons. I need to get back to working on dealing with my repressed grief now, and I intend to spend more time on that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 1, 2013 Report Share Posted October 1, 2013 Jan, from this message and your email messages it sounds like you are back on track or close to it again. Good for you for facing up to the lesson you learned. I think most of life's lessons, at least mine, are tough ones... Peace to your soul Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 1, 2013 Report Share Posted October 1, 2013 Oh Jan, I am so sorry you've had IBS, I've had that for several years and there's times I can't go anywhere. Has your doctor given you the list of things to avoid? (spice, coffee, fats, etc) Try to give your tummy a rest and drink clear liquids so you don't get dehydrated. I'm one that can't tolerate Nexium, but others say it helps them. Stress does seem to trigger it, maybe that's why I came down with it when married to John. Unfortunately my boss can keep it flared up. Some platonic friendships do work, it depends on how honest both parties are...I went through the same thing with a couple of fellows...I call them hopefuls. They say they understand, respect my wishes, feel the same, etc. AND THEN...! Then they make a play for it and it irritates the hell out of me to put it mildly! I have to shove them back in their place, give them a what's what, and then they're good again for a while. If they don't get the picture and knock it off, then you have to drop them. If they had any brains they'd realize that and keep their place. I've never given any go-aheads, but here's where the honesty part comes in: we are honest with them, but they aren't honest with us. They go along, minding, being good and then BAM! They try for what they REALLY wanted all along! Grrr! I'm sorry you went through this. Not all guys are like this, but it does seem to complicate things for some of them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted October 1, 2013 Report Share Posted October 1, 2013 I really think the reason things work so well with my friend Tom, is because he is a widower. He adored his wife, and I believe he is just happy to have a friend to do things with, and as I said, we have discussed this, and are both happy in the platonic relationship. I know I can call him whenever I need him, and visa versa. Each morning one of us, whomever thinks of it first, sends a smiley face text, usually immediately a return smiley face is sent. If the return does not happen, then about 15 minutes later, another one, then a phone call. We are just checking to make sure the other is all right. We have keys to each others houses, so the final thing after no answer from a phone call, would be a trip to the house. He has no children who live here, and my daughter, although I usually hear from her every day or so, works, and is pretty busy. Jan, I think you will be fine, you may be able to repair the relationship, if he can accept it. But you may not want to, you might not trust again. AND Jan, you are not at all stupid thinking a platonic relationship can work, they can and do....just have to find the right person. It helps to find a close friend on the same journey you are on. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted October 2, 2013 Report Share Posted October 2, 2013 Jan, it is hard dealing with issues such as that when illness is at hand. Friendship is a very good thing when we are grieving and very important when we are ill. Platonic relationships can and do work. I find it interesting to hear how women find men crossing that line but from my perspective, I see women doing that as well. I need friends in my life as we all do. I have had situations where friendships began to take another path. I had to explain to a lady friend that I just was never going there. I understand that she began wanting a different kind of relationship with me. If she could not accept who I am and will always be, then the friendship had to end. After a while, we became friends once again and now we still get together for drinks and talk about our day and our work. I can freely discuss my feelings for Kathy and how sad I get from time to time. I have male friends who I can have that relationship with as well but you have to take me as I am. I will always be a grieving person and that is just how it is. Having said that, I must say that I finally have those in my life who try and fix me up giving that idea up entirely. It was truly getting annoying. There will be some of us who will eventually move on to another relationship. Well and good. My own dad remarried after my mother died and I understood that he just couldn't live alone. I accepted that but for me, I crave being alone. I need to be in my house with Kathy all around me. I am married for all of time and I truly understand that about me. Now I move on with my friends whatever their gender. I hope Jan that you can still have friendships without that happening to you again. Not all men are that way, especially those who are in love with an angel who resides on the other side. If that happens again, try saying "excuse me! I'm married" I hope you find peace and your body can calm. Stephen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 2, 2013 Report Share Posted October 2, 2013 Stephen, I love this post. It is so much how I feel...almost everything in it. I agree with you and feel the same way. Nicely put. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted October 2, 2013 Report Share Posted October 2, 2013 Oh, Stephen, Thank you for a wonderful message. I think it is so very important that others -- male of female --- honor where and who we are on this grief journey. I think your suggestion to Jan of the "excuse me, I'm married!" was perfect, because I know many of us here feel very married to our soul mates, and as you put it so well, they are just away a bit. Doug used to tell me he was going on an adventure ahead of me, but that I would catch up soon. That still makes me smile, because he was looking in my eyes and smiling as he said it. I have delicately side-stepped several approaches already, and my standard response is just "I'm not ready." And I may never be ready. Or, I tell people I am engaged. Because I am very much still engaged with Doug, and I don't owe anyone any more explanation unless we become friends, close enough for me to tell them how I feel in my heart. Thank you for that wonderful sharing. Perfect. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 2, 2013 Report Share Posted October 2, 2013 fae, I agree and Stephen's response was so right on. I consider myself married to Bill..forever...it is what it is. I know some people re-marry and that is fine for them but even at Bill's funeral...yes...at his funeral...someone said, "Oh, Mary, you will meet someone else someday." I was shocked. We had buried the love of my life only an hour earlier. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted October 2, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 2, 2013 Oh thanks everyone. I did actually tell him that I regarded myself as still married, which I truly truly do. I'm still feeling very frail and vulnerable, and rather self-protective. My stomach pain is still bad too. This has really destabilised me, but I'm going to try to use it to build up a stronger me. The revulsion the experience engendered is still there. A really gut reaction in every sense. Rainie and the girls are coming tomorrow and I think I need company. I've been way too introspective. But maybe that has been necessary. I began reading a book on Buddhism and meditation yesterday. I need peace of mind. I feel I have lost ten days out of my life but since those ten days aren't being shared by my beloved I don't care too much about that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 2, 2013 Report Share Posted October 2, 2013 I just read an article that says massage is good for ibs and that makes sense...massages reduce stress, facilitate circulation, and says "I love you" to yourself. I think these ten days have been days of insight and learning. And as you said a time to "use to build up a stronger me". I do not think that a waste. But they were tough and painful. He abused boundaries that were highly significant for you. Having Raine and the girls there will change the energy in the house...that sounds like a great way to spend the weekend. I am sorry your stomach pain is still bad... Peacful days Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted October 2, 2013 Report Share Posted October 2, 2013 Dear Jan, I hope the granddaughters bring a lot of loving joy into the house, and I hope you can get out for a spa day or something nice. SSK and I are already planning to have a night of a movie, pedicure, and drinking fresh fruit juices, and maybe having chips and hummus, but more definitely having some "girl time" of just pampering ourselves while she is here. She has three appointments with the spine specialist here whom I had for my spine rehab, and so she will also need some self-pampering. For you, Jan, I wish today to be peaceful and healing, and time to sit with a good book and read while you sip tea and let your mind be distracted from recent events. Ah, you can use your retreat book, and read a few pages of that, but mostly, I hope you find some activity that takes your thoughts away from the boundary violations. I have my PT evaluation this morning. I can stand on one foot and pick up a pencil with the other foot (toes) and bring the pencil up to my hand, then slowly lower my foot, balancing all the while. I now get to move to the next level of PT. I am excited. For you, let this be a day you lift your spirits a bit by doing something you love to do, having a swee treat, and doing some happy things. I hope you feel better, more relaxed, and in better spirits by tomorrow. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 2, 2013 Report Share Posted October 2, 2013 Jan, I'm so glad you have this visit to look forward to and hope your physical symptoms abate soon! Like I said, honesty is so important in ANY relationship, and if it is agreed that it is platonic and then one person crosses that boundary, yes it does damage. It can't heal unless and until that person "gets it" and realize what they did was wrong and accepts the boundary for future interactions. In order to move from platonic to a more intimate relationship, there should be definite cues from both parties that show interest and desire in that happening...otherwise the result will be the same as what just happened here...a grievous upset party that feels violated. There has to be trust in a friendship-relationship, I hope your friendship can be recovered, but if not, I understand. Sometimes it has to be let go for our own peace of mind! A lot depends on the other person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted October 2, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 2, 2013 Thanks. I've been reading Fae's retreat book and also listening on audible to one on Buddhism. I've had a glass of wine with my friend and neighbour Sandra just now. Tomorrow I'm having my hair cut. Im looking forward to seeing the family tomorrow and know it's what I need. I'm feeling a little better and hoping tomorrow will bring better still. I feel I've learnt a lot from this. What a support you have all been! I'm so glad I shared this and maybe it may help others too. I can't be alone in experiencing it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 2, 2013 Report Share Posted October 2, 2013 No you arent. I had a "friend" hit on me 2 1/2 months after George died! I left in tears and hit a deer on the way home. I was struck by the fact he didn't even call to make sure I made it home okay (I barely did), George certainly would have! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 2, 2013 Report Share Posted October 2, 2013 Jan, my dear, you said, I'm so glad I shared this and maybe it may help others too. I can't be alone in experiencing it. You have identified what I consider to be one of the most valuable aspects of this site: that by sharing what happened to you, you've discovered that indeed you are NOT alone in your experience, and in the process you never know how many other people will be helped by what you have learned. I have the deepest admiration and respect for your courage, your openness and your honesty in sharing this story with all of us, dear Jan, and as Kay says, you most certainly are not the first person who's ever experienced something like this. From my heart to yours, thank you ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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