Coping With The Holidays

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

This beautiful video on Grief and the Holidays comes to us from James Miller of Grief Helps:

http://j.mp/1gwn0Ap

If you discover any other helpful articles or websites focused on this topic of getting through the holidays, please feel free to share them in this thread ♥

[feralfae]

Thank you Marty!

Thank you so much!
You are just the best!

Thank you for keeping this place going for us all who come here for the healing warmth of this place.

fae

[MartyT]

This comes from Ashley Davis Bush:

In the Darkness

It's that time of year again. We turned our clocks an hour and fell back. Yes, we did get an extra hour on Sunday morning but that first night here in the Northeast . . . ouch. The curtain of darkness that descended at 4pm was noticeable.

Grief can feel like that . . . a dark curtain lowers heavily before your life. And when you're in that darkness of sorrow, longing, pain, and anguish, it can feel like the light will never return. But the amazing miracle of human nature is that light will slowly begin to return, just as spring will begin to brighten our evenings.

Light comes at first to the darkness of grief as a single candle flame. It comes as hugs from friends and as smiles from strangers. It comes as laughter, as hope, as cherished memories. It comes, every single day, from the impact your love one had on you and the world around you. It comes from the eternal love that you hold for your loved one. And it comes in learning to savor life even in the midst of loss and love.

***

Next week, I'm offering some FREE special grief resources to help shed light in the darkness: 2 short videos and a free one-hour teleseminar on Thursday, 11/14 at 6pm EST. Details will be forthcoming. And for those who wish to go deeper, I will also offer a 5 part "Living with Loss" teleseminar series, at low cost, through the holiday season. Light comes in many guises. Be open to light in the darkness.

[enna]

Thank you, Marty. Here is one I saved from last year that has some good ideas and a few thoughts of my own.

Also, thank you for the link above from Ashley Davis Bush - I have the 14th marked.

This was posted on Psychology.com’s blog archive and written in January of 2013 and I think it has a few good ideas for tending to our grief during the holidays.

The article was written by Dr. IIona L Tobin and is entitled: “Grief Takes No Holidays.”

http://www.psychology.com/articles/?p=408

A few things I did last year to get me through the first holidays without Jim:

• When people stopped in to visit I let them know that I had a small box on the mantle with index cards and a pen and if they wanted to write something on a card about a memory they had of Jim and place it in the box I would read them throughout the year. The small box is still on the mantle and I occasionally open it and read one of the messages. It has given me great comfort to know that so many people loved Jim so much.
• I decided to put a tree up even though I had no desire to and felt it would cause me more pain since Christmas was one of Jim’s favorite holidays. I left boxes of holiday bulbs out and when someone stopped in I let them know that if they wanted to they could add a bulb to the tree. The word spread and I actually had people stop in just to put a bulb on the tree.
• The holidays before Jim died were stay-at-home ones. Every year we have a group of carolers who visit those who can’t get out and someone asked me if I wanted them to visit Jim and sing a few songs. When they came I had to invite them in because Jim was not able to move around or stand at the door so they all came in (about twenty of them) and they gathered around in the livingroom and sang several songs. My Jim sang the songs with the carolers and knew all the words. This just brought tears to my eyes and to a few of the carolers too. They left him a big plate of cookies.
• When I went for dinners with family those first holidays I brought a small piece of paper with a special message that I had written to Jim and placed it under my dinner plate so I knew he was very close to me as we celebrated.

This year I know that I want to give back and I’m still thinking about what I’ll be doing. I will honor my need to be alone but at the same time I will not close myself up in the house. Our firemen will appreciate more banana-nut bread. Benji has become a favorite at the firehouse. We have a women’s prison not too far and some of the people here in the community serve dinners and spend some time visiting the ladies. I am thinking of doing that. My little group of second graders love stories so I might visit them a few more times during these weeks before they go on holiday break. I’ve been grounded again and been told that I can’t fly for another two months due to some heart stuff. I get to buy myself a present – thigh-high support hose to help with circulation – I wonder if I can get them in purple!

Peace and Joy, Anne

[MartyT]

Anne, my dear, your ideas are just wonderful! Thank you so much for sharing them with all of us! I know your "heart stuff" keeps getting in your way, but clearly that heart of yours is made of gold. ♥

[MartyT]

The Upcoming Holidays and The Table for Five

by Catherine Tidd (aka Widowchick of The Widdahood) :

"It’s funny how I didn’t realize that my mom thought I was perfectly comfortable at all of these family functions. But I guess if I don’t tell her and show up smiling…how is she supposed to know? There is no quick fix for this and – to use my least favorite phrase – “it is what it is.” It’s been six years and do you know what I’ve realized?

"It’s okay to be sad.

"It’s okay to let people in on it."

[MartyT]

From The Lost My Partner Newsletter, by Laurie Spector & Ruth Spector Webster, authors of Lost My Partner –What’ll I Do? A Clear, Practical Guide for Coping and Finding Strength When Your Spouse Dies:

Getting Through Holiday Get-Togethers

Excerpted from our book, Lost My Partner – What’ll I Do? Revised and Expanded Edition, here are some proven strategies for making it through festive gatherings, even when you aren’t feeling in the holiday spirit:

To lessen the chance of emotional sneak attacks, make some time to grieve, either on the holiday or just before it.

Even when you’ve prepared yourself by making time to grieve beforehand, you may feel anxious about becoming uncomfortable in a festive gathering. There’s often a sense of being “out of it”, as you watch others having a good time.

Gain a greater sense of control in party situations by:

1) Giving yourself the first 30 minutes after you arrive to adjust to the circumstances. Remember that without your spouse/partner, this is a new situation. Expect some brief uneasiness. Many discover that once they’ve made it past the first half hour, they’re more relaxed.

2) Contacting the host or hostess ahead of time to explain that you aren’t your usual self and may wish to leave early.

3) Taking your own car or alerting a friend who’s driving you about the possibility of making an early exit.

4) Giving yourself a “time-out” in the event of feeling overwhelmed, so you can retreat to the privacy of a bathroom or bedroom, or take a walk, and have a brief cry. Most people will understand.

At family gatherings, everyone will be aware of your loss. They may feel awkward about making any mention of it out of fear of “upsetting” you.

In truth, you may actually feel more hurt and upset if everyone is avoiding the subject.

In addition, not talking about the person everyone is thinking about only creates more tension at a gathering.

Others will take their cue from you. It’s helpful, therefore, at a point most comfortable for you, to mention your spouse in whatever way you wish.

You might, for example, bring up the name as part of a toast or prayer at dinner. Even casual comments such as: “Gee, Jack always loved Aunt Rose’s apple pie,” or “Remember how Connie couldn’t wait to start decorating for the holidays?” are effective ice breakers.”

Keep in mind that just going, even if you need to leave early, is progress!

(Copyright 2013 by Laurie J. Spector, M.S.W. and Ruth Spector Webster, M.S.W. All rights and all media reserved.)

[enna]

A few things I bookmarked last year that helped me:

Light a Candle in memory of those you love

http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/enter.cfm?l=eng

Ritual Ideas to get through the holidays

http://thebounceblog.com/articles/healing-rituals-for-holiday-grief/

How to help ourselves during the holidays

http://www.griefnet.org/library/articles/holidays.html

And a favorite of mine: I’m Not Ready, Yet… by Darcie D. Sims

http://www.griefnet.org/library/notready.html

[feralfae]

Thank you so much, Anne and Marty. I was so numb last year that I do not remember the days.

This year, I want to be present with myself, and go out a little bit. Decorating the Holter was good: I could hardly endure the happy volunteers there, and fortunately, we went off to work somewhere else. Quieter. I am devouring all these wonderful helps with avid attention, and thank you.

I may re-institute the great cookie baking tea or dinner again this year, when I invite all my girlfriends to bring their favorite cookie dough, or the ingredients to make them, and come over for the evening, and we always have so much fun! And we end up with boxes of cookies for the homeless shelter here, so Anne, I love that you are doing things along the same line. I know it always cheered me up to bring in the boxes of cookies and know that I had done one good thing.

And, ahem ... the new stove will be in, so that will be fun as well. This making a life solo is truly a learning experience, and an honoring of myself in ways I have not done for years and years. Goodness.

Thank you, dear ones.

Namaste,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

Good morning, dear Fae.

What we are doing is healing. I like your idea of the cookie gathering. Years ago, back in IL, I had a group of friends that did something similar. We would also gather and bake cookies, box them and before the holidays take them to a few of our nursing homes. I don't think I really understood how much that meant to them until I became a little older. These little gestures of kindness mean so much to us.

Gestures of kindness can be a smile, a listening ear, a hand written note to someone we know.

I hope that you have a weekend of self-love and continued healing. Benji needs his haircut today and we are blessed with the next week of beautiful weather in the eighties here in the valley! Good for walking and being out in nature. Anne

[enna]

Go to: www.griefhealing.com and find these articles bookmarked by our own Marty under the title: Coping With the Holidays

http://www.griefhealing.com/coping-with-holidays-articles.htm

• Anticipatory Grief and Holidays: 12 Survival Tips by Harriet Hodgson
• At Thanksgiving, Say Their Name by Tom Zuba
• BR’s 13 (Lucky) Tips for De-Stressing Your Holidays
• De-Stressing the Holidays

There are many more articles on this site and for those who have not found this site yet it is filled with valuable ideas and solid advice.

[MartyT]

From Tom Zuba's blog: At Thanksgiving, Say Their Name

[feralfae]

Thank you Marty.

I've been pondering all along how not to make others feel bad by me mentioning Doug in such situations, but now I am inspired to make a Torte au Chocolat Callebaut and get some raspberries, and have a bunch of friends over for Doug's favorite holiday dessert. I can serve decaf and/or a little dessert wine.

I will be planning this to happen perhaps in the days in between

Thank you so much.

Namaste

*<twinkles>*

fae

[MartyT]

♥

[MartyT]

Another beautiful video from James Miller of Grief Helps:

Grief and the Holidays 2: 7 Actions to Help You Through Those Days

[MartyT]

From Litsa Williams on What's Your Grief?

Thanksgiving Grief: Finding Gratitude When You're Anything But Grateful

[enna]

This came from our Mary's Personal Growth and Grief Support Center, LLC this morning posted on FB.

A wonderful message about hope for those grieving during the holidays. Thank you, Mary for this message.

Grief and the Holidays 3: A Word of Hope for Those Grieving During the HolidaysPosted on November 13, 2013 by James Miller0Grief and the Holidays 3: A Word of Hope for Those Grieving During the Holidays►JavaScript required to play Grief and the Holidays 3: A Word of Hope for Those Grieving During th...

[mfh]

Marty, these are such lovely and quieting videos. And thank you, Anne, for spotting this same video on my FB page and bringing it here. Thank you.

[kayc]

I don't know what's going on with my computer, it has all its updates, but I'm unable to watch either of the videos linked here. And I cannot get the 21 days videos or audio at all. I don't understand why some things come through and some do not. I'm sure it has something to do with how the computer is processing them, but not being a computer technician, I have no idea what is wrong to fix it.

[mfh]

Kay, I am no computer genius either and this may be a simplistic and very UNhelpful suggestion but I find that sometimes the RAM (random access memory) wears out and rebooting refreshes. It will be wonderful if only the solution is that simple. I doubt it is but worth a shot. If all else fails, I reboot.

Mary

[widower]

To piggyback on the PC thing, I doubt it's a memory issue, but you can try just closing your browser and restarting it - some browsers are more of a "memory hog" than others (Firefox is the worst as far as I can tell) and restarting them clears it out - shouldn't be necessary to reboot the whole system. Keep in mind it could just be the site itself too; sometimes I'll try going to a site and it'll just spin and spin, takes forever to come up. Sometimes it can help to hit "stop" and then "refresh" (not sure why, but that's helped me various times). For what it's worth.

Hope you all "survive" the holidays. Personally I'd pay good money to just skip right to about March.

[mfh]

widower said: "Hope you all "survive" the holidays. Personally I'd pay good money to just skip right to about March."

My guess is that you are not alone is skip right to March, my friend. These holidays are challenging for those who are grieving. Know that you are surrounded here by loving people who care and that when the days are tough in the coming weeks...we are here for you.

Peace

Mary

[feralfae]

Yes, we have been working on figuring out how to survive the holidays. One of my fantasies was to go so far as to look at rooms a couple of places in the Caribbean. One was to fly away to South America or Australia. I may still do one of these, but that is just a change in geography, and no one is selling tickets for time travel.

I am going to cope. People are already talking about trees. I may buy another live blue spruce to plant the way we did one year. Doug would love that. We will see.

There has been a richness of links on coping with the holidays. I know I am making more social engagements as well as scheduling more "quiet" days at home so I have balance and time to rest between very busy social days like today. Being with the birds yesterday helped.

Widower, we are here, and Mary and Marty are wonderful wise women for leading us toward helpful coping skills as well as many resources on so many aspects of grief that it is a veritable richness of caring here.

Blessings and

*<twinkles>*

fae

[widower]

Thx all but the holidays have been a tense/disliked time for me generally for many years, well before my loss.......that just threw more salt on the wound, or whatever a good analogy might be.

[kayc]

I've rebooted, tried different browsers. I think it's something to do with whatever handles my videos.

Okay, just a little aside...humor:

I went to the post office today with a friend and told the clerk, "I'd like some Christmas stamps." She asked,"Which ones"? I looked up at them and said "The "donkey ones". "The donkey ones?" she inquired...

"Yes, you know, the ones with them riding on a donkey!" My friend said "You mean Mary and Joseph?" "Yes!" I said, "I couldn't remember their names!" We laughed all the way home about that!